The century of thrills.

This year, too many "important days" like birthdays and aniversaries have passed by with me doing nothing and sitting at home. I am so glad 12/12/12 was not that day.
I'm not superstitious. I don't believe that this day has some sort of subliminal meaning. It's just a day to have an excuse to get out of the house, off your butt, and have fun. Make memories. With whomever.
My 12/12/12:
My profs were over and out of the way. Friends. Plan: Joyland.
Discovery for the first time, after minutes of chasing and coaxing and yelling. R was right. Once you get over with it, you feel like you conquered something. It was some form of bad-assery for me. A milestone. And the ride itself was death-defingly scary. You have to put all your faith on the black frame holding you. Even when your entire body is off of the seat and against the frame. That's alot of trust. Would I do it again? With a little less coaxing next time, probably yes. It was fun. A is right. People around me are being right.
Some food at a weird restaurant, lots of window shopping, and pictures. Prof has been going on for so long, I forgot what it felt like to pose for a photo. And staying the night at the hostel. Talking to A until I started zoning out. Waking up with the sorest body ever. Which is still sore. But 12/12/12 was spent out, with the mindset to put every awkward, sad, angry feeling aside. And it worked.
And now third year of med school is here.

Gratitude.

Everyone has standards. A set of rules and principles. To live life by, to avoid certain people, and to befriend others. Formed by experience, people,moments. 
Stick by them. Don't bend or break them for anyone. Except maybe your parents. But that's it. Nobody else deserves it. Not another single person in this world can, and will make the effort to prove that they can be better than the principle you made. And if someone is, seriously respect them and keep them. And if nobody is, you'll end up regretting having bent your own will to match someone else's.
Some people can't take dishonesty. Others lying. Maybe smoking. Or drinking. To each its own. And you don't need to justify it. You're human. The world is viewed with a million eyes in a thousand different ways. Perception is relative. We're all scattered. The least we can have is our own opinion.
And nobody should talk you out of it. Tell you it's no big deal. That just because they don't hold the same principle/point/standard, it means it isn't important. Or worth considering. In fact, make that another principle. Avoid anyone who talks you out of your beliefs.
Stand for something. Always. Stand for things that will make you a better person tomorrow.
You're you. No one does it better.

Somnolence.

The only way I can drag out of bed is by fumbling for my phone, and turning on the most upbeat song on the recent playlist. The one playing for a couple of days now is "King of Anything" by Sara Bareilles. And then proceeding to get up and clean the bedroom in a dance-y way. That is the ONLY thing that can wake me up, unfortunately. Not even my mom's constant efforts of sending the kid-worker upstairs to knock on my door a hundred times. In the end, I'll always reply "Uth gayi hoon", and then fall back asleep.
It seems that it's just getting harder and harder for me to wake up as I get older. Or maybe it's just the winter season. Where all you want to do is stay curled up in bed.
Tomorrow starts the whole practical/viva situation. This will extend till 10th December. Back down to studying the same books that I just closed last week.
I am so ill. It was first a flu. Then a tiiiiny cough. Then it became a totally full blown out chest infection. There are tissues everywhere. My head hurts. Only God knows how I am still ploughing on and getting practicals memorized for tomorrow.
I am really, REALLY in the mood to write a long, thoughtful post about life and its shenanigans. But time is short and I must get back. This was just a small interlude to clear my mind of things.

P.S. I need to buy tights.
P.P.S I am now in love with mayonnaise, and I eat it with everything. 

Okay now I'm seriously done.

"Maybe it's all for the best
But I just don't see any good in this
Maybe we'll find something better
But the lovers who leave us will always hold a place."

-Between You and I 
Every Avenue

I'm finding myself beginning to write song lyrics all over again. It's been years. Because there haven't been any meaningful songs in awhile. But now there are.
It's not necessary for a song to have to pertain to you, to relate to you. Maybe something happened so long ago, that you barely think about it anymore. Him, anymore. But songs like these bring it up again. And instead of tears and wet cheeks (probably what the song intended) you have shivers down your spine and memories in your head. And it's the happy nostalgia, not any type of missing or ache or agony. Just a nice, happy, look-back. A part of your past.

Food Overload.

Oh, the Prof written papers being over feels so good. Like, seriously, REALLY good. Vivas and practicals can be conquered, it's THIS first step that drags everyone down. For four hours after the last paper, I was thinking ''Oh my God, it's really over. I get to go home and do nothing for a good 3-4 days."
But enough about my sappy feelings about getting done with the theory papers. Even though I could go on and on about how relieved and well-slept I feel. During papers I was sleeping a maximum of an hour and a half per night. And minimum of a half hour. Medicine wrings you in its totality.
I am up for cooking. And baking. And doing anything besides academics. I made Garlic Mayo sauce today. It rivalled OPTP's.

I loved it in all its tangy-ness.
I want to go to Tutti Frutti again soon. I'm starting to develop a bad habit for it. They design the store so cheerfully that it becomes your chocolate, your go-to place for feeling better. Or celebrating. I didn't even mind going alone, but I haven't gotten a chance to yet. I probably will tomorrow. I want frozen yogurt. Which in my case, is not healthy for me at all since I load it with so many toppings. People are so selective and...LINEAR about their toppings. I add them all. I add pomegranate seeds and chocolate sauce. And gummy bears and M and M's. And the twirly chocolate sticks.

^ The above half post is me acting like a kid.
I hope everyone stays safe for the weekend. Honest to God prayers are with everyone. I might not BE a Shia, but I know how it feels.

Fusion.

It's that crazy week. Prof week.
And every minute of every day is supposed to be accounted for, planned and scheduled.
I'm supposed to be asleep right now, to wake up un-fresh, shoot cups of coffee in my mouth, and study for (literally) 15 hours. But I suddenly had this strange desire to get out of bed and write. For no reason. This post has no reason. But it will just "be".
This is so wrong, being awake right now. Because I know I'll be so tired later. It almost feels like a sin. But occasionally, it doesn't matter if something is right or wrong. It just has to happen. Feelings lead you that way.
You know what I like about myself? The ability to still be sensitive despite being twenty two and fully practical and logical, in every sense of the word. If there's an exam coming up, EMOTIONS WILL BE BARRED. Focus will be there. Nothing can affect me. And then right after the exam, easily dipping into a nice sensitive niche where I can be open and laughing and talking as much as I want, with friends or H or my sister.
 On the way home today, I thought. Some people live in the past. Some people are fully "yolo" and live NOW. And others live for the future. Is it possible to be all three? I think so. To remember and savor (some parts) and dispose (some parts) of the past, to plan and enjoy and breathe in the present, and be satisfied that, God willing, there is a future. The next hour. The next event. Tomorrow. The next time you'll get to sleep. 
I think this ^ way.
But you know what else? We never really grow out of some things. Like the childish way we feel hurt and pain. We just find more formal and articulate words to describe it. And a stronger voice and wider eyes. 
Prof week. Biochemistry next. A paper I dread, and am terrified of. And that I am now going to work my ass off for, in the next two days. 
I better go. It's late. The sense of right and wrong just kicked in.

Ripple Effect.

Lonely.
Happy,somewhat.
But lonely.
 When you start talking about how insults can't get past your skin. And that's when they all start to seep in.
 And you're left there,thinking of every slight. Everytime they didn't do something. Everytime he did,but it was hurtful.
And you feel nothing but lonely.

Cold and crisp.

I looove winters. A hundred times better than summers.
People write all those songs about "summer love" and the "summer time", but I don't get it. I really don't. Why isn't winter mentioned in songs? How can winter not be loved?
You get to bake banana bread. And carrot cake. And just about any other confectionery.
Blankets are so much more better than air conditioners.
The red, juicy anaar are in season!
Boots outrank pumps/sandals in every way.
With the heater on, and your entire family around it, and cracking open pistachios and peanuts and reminiscing about how last year's winter was.
The air's crisp. I can't explain it, crisp air is much more amazing than humid, sticky air. No?
The entire style of it all. A nice warm coat, a scarf, skinny jeans, boots. It just looks amazing.
Your hair never getting fried or messed up.

Winters. Rule. I'm glad the season's back, and I'm alive to enjoy it.

I lied. To everyone. But most importantly, to myself.
Not being able to celebrate my birthday this year, with anything. No friends, no cake, no surprise party, no hangout.
Hurt me so much that I am welling up.
I'm 22. And I think I've had it with "finding" happiness. I just wish it'd come already. By itself.

Driftwood.

I finally found a word for those headaches you get when you sleep too much. Dull. They're dull headaches. Ohh. 
Taking a break from life isn't as romantic as it sounds. Getting up and being aimless? Not having anything to do except sleep, eat, watch TV, and go online? Too broke to go out with friends? Too scared to ask your dad for money because *insert whatever reason here*.
Yeah. That's how it's been. So, in a nutshell: not great.
So I'm going to stop this aimless living and go back to studying again. Life is seriously SO boring. 
It's one of those phases. Where everything is just momentarily in a standstill. I want things to move, I'm trying to push it to move, but it won't. So, I'll just slowly crawl out by starting to study. 
I've been sleeping so much, that when I wake up in the morning drunk on sleep, I feel like I'm sunken into the bed. Even I don't know what that means. But that's how it feels. 

"Momentary standstill phase" is also "wild dream phase". Thinking of a hundred things that I want to do. Get some clothes, pack them, and go out on the first plane ticket available. Go and meet Mehreen in the States. I'm dying to see her again, life is so empty without a best friend in the same country. I don't get how I've been so chill about this for the past 8-ish years. IT IS HORRIBLE NOT HAVING YOUR BEST FRIEND IN THE SAME COUNTRY AS YOU.
If she was here, there'd never be any standstill phases. Because she is the only friend who I feel comfortable going over her house, just for fun. Other friends, I always run out of things to talk to. Or we just don't "click". And she's possibly the only person I can cry to. There used to be a time where I could cry to literally anyone, with some godforsaken rainbow quality in me that "Everyone is great. Wrong.
Everyone is an asshole unless proven otherwise. So having someone who'll understand you right then and there without even having to explain, is a pretty awesome. Not everybody has a best friend. But from 8,000 miles away? While we're surviving on Skype and Whatsapp? Now THAT's depressing.
I miss her. Bas. That's it. 

Standstill phase = Wild dream phase = Junk food phase. I just want ice cream and two minute noodles and pasta all the time. And Coke and Sprite. No roti salan, even if it's my favorite dish.
The worst part of all this is, it that I'm actually letting my mood take control of me. For everything. And I think it's going to be that way until prof exams will only be two weeks away. Or if I get to go to Islamabad.
Islamabad will make everything better.
You always forget the other side of life when you're living in one part. That's why you should never allow yourself to totally sink in to one mood, emotion. My mood: wine dark.

Enchanted.

An awesome father daughter moment(s) today. Me asking my dad what country each city belonged to, and him not only telling me the correct answer, but also a story to go along with it.

Me: What about Budapest? Where is it?
Dad: *scoffs* I've been there beta. It's in Romania.
Me: Ha! Hungary!
Dad: Which reminds me...

 Having a father who's traveled halfway across the world is definitely a perk. I know where my love of airports, flying, and world traveling have come from. It's the blood.
Actually, a lot of who I am comes from him. My feeling of not being appreciated enough. Holding my anger in for the little things so that there can be a hysterical mess by a slight trigger,later. The need to feel/want independent for the sake of survival. 
The way I look.
My dad's awesome in so many ways. Also, not in other ways. But that's private, isn't it? For the family to know.

Cousin K, who had cancer. Mentioned in a blog post somewhere in May 2011. It's turned terminal. After months of worry, a sigh of relief, followed by more months of her regaining health. And her fresh face, and deep belly laughs. We get a CT scan showing the cancer has metastasized, and there's nothing we can do about it except wait.
She still doesn't know.
This has been known to me longer than just this week. I just choose not to tell sometimes. Maybe there are some things you'll never know. Maybe some things that you'll only know. And this is one thing that you cannot even think about properly. How many times in life do you get the chance to know that somebody is going to go? Let it be known though: It makes no difference. The pain is the same. Grief even more extended. You get more time to say goodbye, but when the end comes,it'll still feel the same, albeit a small, small difference.
She's my age.
Thoughts of her have already filled every particle of my brain, so. Let's stop for now.

She lives in Old Lahore, so let's divert to that. Mentioned before, I love Old Lahore. Especially Chuburji. No, not the druggies hanging around the actual monument, or the choked overflowing sewers. The insane traffic. None of that. I can just look at Chuburji Chowk, and imagine how it was back in 1929. 
The chaar burj has so much culture soaked into its walls. If only they could talk. If only I could properly go inside and see.

For now I'll settle with culture that I can take with me and carry.

I love these.

You think you know it all.

I should be studying

Usually, most of the time, we should be doing something else, and we're actually doing something more destructive/waste of time/less important.

This is one of those things. But I'm okay with it. For years, I spend thinking of ways to calm myself down and not let exams or the pressure of things get to me. People say take chamomile tea, take a walk, sleep for a little bit. In the end, advice, is only advice, right? Applicable on your own terms. If you want, it can affect you. And if you don't, you can just as easily dismiss it from your mind. You can implement what people tell you to, and if it doesn't work, you can either feel hopeless, or keep on looking.

I'm a controlling person by nature. And not necessarily controlling OTHER people; I control myself, regarding everything. And if something doesn't go as I planned it, I feel as if I've failed. I wouldn't call it a disorder or anything, but it's definitely been a big part of my life and who I am and what I do. Main thing: I start panicking if my preparation for an exam isn't up to the mark. 

But right before the Physiology send up, I didn't take the days seriously. On purpose. I just "let go". And saying it and writing it sounds so easy, but look: it took me years to do it. 

Naturally, minutes before the paper I was hyperventilating, but it went alright, and I will pass. I really just took a step in realizing what REALLY is important and what isn't. And that in the end, I'm human. I'm not something that has to be controlled, or should be controlled at all hours of the day. This is a place filled with people who make mistakes every day. And plans almost never go according to plan Why worry?

Life lesson right there, basically.

New phone. Asha 306. I like it, got everything I need. I would like a capacitive touch, but I'm not complaining. 

And now, I can feel my head nodding off even though I'm supposed to get some semblance of Protein metabolism done for Biochemistry. Life lesson not applicable anymore.

Circumventricular Organs.

Today was a day of sorts.
Don't get me wrong, it was your usual lazy day. Didn't leave the house. Studied Brain. Took breaks. Set Grey's Anatomy Season 1 on download.
And the afternoon was startlingly bright, with sun. But the clouds came in the way, creating a nice little effect with rays shining between the partings. It gave the whole street an honest, florescent blue color.
A mug of tea gives me a headache. A cup of tea isn't enough. But tea with baqar khaani in it and eaten like cereal is just the right amount ♥
Send up on Monday and it seems unbelievable. Lots of things seem unbelievable right now, actually. I know for a fact that what I'm doing for the moment, isn't living. I'm more farther away from religion that I ever thought I could be, and my day begins and ends with studying. It's been that way for about a month, and I need to break free soon. Last year during send up week, I gave up on studying hard, and just grazed through books for the vivas (resulting in me failing the Physio and Biochem ones). And I think history is going to repeat itself on that one.
I want a Euro trip, BEYOND badly. Two flights, one in, one out, and the rest of your time through trains and cars. I want to model. And not for the money, nothing for the money. For the experience. For time well spent before I'm on call and interning, and running around and getting my residency done.

Now I will go. Because I don't have anything else to say.

Clutch.

Opening this "Create Post" page scares me a little sometimes.

Studying session is FULLY on. It's come to the point where I don't remember a day when I haven't studied. I really don't like that It's always, wake up, make yourself a steaming mug of tea, and get down to studying. And it used to be, "if you're tired, nap for awhile". Now, it's "if you're tired, slow down but KEEP STUDYING". Time is running out and I'm feeling it badly. Even though these are send ups, not even the real prof! I take stress way too much, way too seriously. I take a lot of things too seriously. I wish I knew how to loosen up.

Today, I took a break...sort of. Talked to W on the phone after ages. I haven't gone to Islamabad in literally three years, and that sucks. Because I love it there. And talking to W only made me miss him and Isb more. There are things I can talk about with him that I can't talk about with anyone else. And it's officially like, the best friendship I've ever had, regarding how much he listens to me rant all the time. And half the time I know I'm talking about things that don't matter to him at all, like H's smoking, or MBBS being a bitch, or me and my sister fighting, and he still has a comment to give here and there. Like, he's properly listening. Something guys don't do. They just block out what they don't want to hear.

And I realized today, I have this strange sort of confidence in him. As in, if I was to find out that I wasn't HIS best friend (which isn't true) or if he decided to not talk properly for a few months (which has happened before) I just know that he'll always still be the same guy. Guess it all goes down to the fact that I literally grew up with him, and all those times we fought to be allowed to stay awake past midnight when we were thirteen year olds. And when he told me about his first crush when our families were travelling to Sukkur in a train, at 14. When I got my heart broken the first time, at 16. When he had his first smoke, at 18.

I should definitely write about W more. Because in this stressed out frazzled life I'm living nowadays, he's the only one who's able to bring laughter out from the deepest part of me. Trip for Islamabad is done (in my head) for after send ups. It's been too much, and too long.

H has just landed back into Pakistan after his two month stay in the States. Just like last time, I have no idea what I'm supposed to feel and so, I refuse to. Just stay neutral-ish, I guess. It's a dead end, 'm just being the naive one and trying to peer through the brickholes to see if there's another road. I find so many faults with him, it's annoying me. I'm hoping it's just a phase. My thoughts became way too self destructive at night, when I'm waiting to fall asleep. And thankfully, I wake up with all of that forgotten. But now, I'm dreading the nights for it. 

Because of that much-deserved phone call, I am now behind one chapter of studying, according to my schedule.  No regrets. My days are scheduled with a stopwatch, and for now, it's the best I can do. Sanity will prevail after September 24th.

You know those days/weeks where everything goes from bad to worse? I haven't had a day like that in ages. Actually, years. I can't even remember the last time something like that happened, all in quick succession.
It was today. Right after I was in my decisive mood of picking my brunch. Since it was raining outside, my brother came home, and told us he had been in an accident, a motorbike accident. Thank God he was okay, but the bike was wrecked. Not severely, but enough. And so there I am, inspecting the bike, checking to see how much damage it'd been, freaking out inside at the thought of my Dad seeing all this, when I absentmindedly (or knowingly, but moronically) put my finger on the silencer of the bike to check if that was bent too (it's chromium plated, it reflects light, so a part looked bent).
IIT WAS OHMYGOD YOUWOULDN'TBELIEVEIT HOT.
I staggered back, screaming "Ow,ow,ow,ow,ow" and ran to put some ice on it. The swelling went down and it got better, and now the fingerprint area of my index finger looks like somebody opened up a paper ball; all wrinkly and weird. I call it my "paper finger".

I didn't study anything today. ANYTHING. I feel guilty, but then I decided to just get over it. I lost one day, so I'll make up for it. 10 days to go till the send ups. Khair hai.

I'm sleepy and I don't know why. I might watch the Adjustment Bureau tonight.

I keep on coming back to my blog to post random stuff and I find it so strange. But fun.

After a Lonely Night.

I am not guilty, I have nothing to be afraid of, and I don't owe anyone anything.

A mantra for when I'm feeling down. 

I haven't had breakfast (Brunch? Lunch? It's 2:30pm) yet, and I'm thinking it's a choice between baaqar khaani and an omelet sandwich. I better choose soon, because I have a whole day of Abdomen Pelvis studying to get done with. The part of Gross I hate the most.

It's raining BEAUTIFULLY outside. I love the sound.

Myface, Spacebook.

Dad: Beta, are you on Tweeter? (Twitter. Strange, since his English accent is pretty crisp and fresh. He doesn't emphasize on t's, like the Pakistani accent)

Me: ....Yes. 

Dad: Oh, did you TWEET Barack Obama about getting your voter registration this year, so that you can vote?

Me: No, Dad, if I tweet him, it won't go directly to-

Dad: Yes it will!! This is an official website!! Do it, please.

Me: O_O Okay baba.

The grand design.

It's strange, how some people can have so much going on in their life, but still say that they're bored. It's exactly like having a closet full of clothes and saying you have nothing to wear (I never experienced the latter until about two years ago, when I started to actually care about what I wear). 

There are things I have to do every day, but they seem so mundane and unimportant to me. 

I've been taking time out almost every night to watch a movie, any movie I've downloaded. Watched Notting Hill for the first time, and it's safe to say I'm beyond in love with Hugh Grant. I took the laptop downstairs the next day and forced Mom to watch atleast half of the movie to notice all his charming-ness and mannerisms and everything. She responded by staring at me and saying "Tumhara baap ka umr hai." -_-  But she did agree with me on the fact that he is just oh-so-handsome. I want/need/should marry someone looking and sounding just like him. Posh British accents ftw!

I love my Eid suit. It's bright yellow and sunny and summery, with black and white detail. Will put up a picture on Eid. Even so, Eid isn't usually a big deal for me anymore. I wonder if same age Christians feel the same way about Christmas. I mean, we're not kids anymore, our heads aren't filled with fun and games and carefree days. Atleast not mine. I have things to do, and if I don't, I make up things to do, so I can keep my day occupied. My worst day is when I have absolutely nothing to do, or anything planned.

The biggest thought in my head, which will remain there even when I'm consciously not thinking about it, are the send ups in September. I'm a little bit behind schedule in studying, but I've gotten quite a substantial amount done. Histo done, and I'm on Embryo now. I wish I could compare how I'm doing with others, but I know that if I text anyone asking them, they- with the slight exception of A- will lie and always reduce their studying to yaar, kuch bhi nahin kiya. I don't get that. You telling me will only motivate me if you're ahead, and be indifferent if you're not. But I guess nobody else thinks like that.

Currently reading: John Grisham, The Confession (when I get time)

Currently listening to" Bachpan by Kaavish and Killin' It by Krewella. The only EMD group I like. 

Titanic will be the most epic movie ever, for me. Avatar was good too, very well developed, but not like Titanic. If you watch Avatar again, it'll be for passing time. If you watch Titanic again, you'll find yourself mouthing every dialogue, and preparing to cry when Jack is dying. It's such an emotion provoking movie. I love it, it'll be my favorite movie of all time. And I think it's the perfect romance, just one day old, and spilling over the brim with love. The things she did for him. The life he gave for her. Yes.

I think, if balanced properly, I could be a good example of practical with every other non-practical part of me still remaining. Like being an incurable romantic, and liking surprises, and sometimes expecting too much. Why should that all have to change for a person, or a degree? For the longest time, that has been going through my head. There's no need for me to change. For anything. And even less, for anyone. 

Amalgation of thoughts.

Morning Dawn.

One of the best things about Ramadan: staying up all night, stepping out on the terrace, and seeing this. This is the best shade of blue I've ever seen.

Proper blog post coming soon. Listen to No One Does It Better by You Me At Six.

Cook?!

Remember the cooking deal for the summer?

An attempted paratha at Sehri. Looks like a Graafian follicle. I don't even know how that happened.

I think I'll just stick to medicine. Yeah.

This is all just normal...right?

I actually had to pen (err,text) down topics that I could blog about, because I seriously need to talk to someone other than my family. But strangely, my mind sort of shuts down when it comes to thinking of other things besides my studying schedule. I'm very linear and one way nowadays.

So, I'm stuck here, in these vacations, starting to study and prep for my send ups in September. I only gave myself about 2 weeks off, and even in those, some study-crazy kids from my college had begun their prep. I am NOT that insane. I needed a breather. I still need a breather, actually. I wish I had all the holidays to myself to make plans and eat good food, and have amazing company. Like some other people I know.

Okay, so it's been sort of ticking me off that a lot of my friends have gone abroad to spend their vacations. Not the close friends, the Facebook friends. One friend, went to the States, another went to Dubai, another went to Canada, and yet another went to London. They are spamming my news feed with their photos in every possible corner of the famous cities, and then they expect people not to stalk them? I want to go abroad. I feel useless in having an American passport now. Seriously. It feels like there's nothing I can do with it, so I should just shred it. I will admit that this is some phase of jealousy, but you can't blame me. Being suffocated all year with tests and exams and reminders that you have to do well ALL the time, can take its toll and leave you slightly deranged. So, I want a world tour, and lots of money. I'm practical enough to know and accept it won't happen, but I can definitely dream.

I think I have a stalker-ish side to me. I recently found out about it when I see how I backslide on Facebook posts. And go back to everything a person has done within 24 hours. It used to be funny; now it's turning into a problem. Lol. I'm paranoid, crazy paranoid. I NEED to know what other people are thinking, how they perceive a situation, why they do so. But now that I know that I do it, I'm consciously trying to stop. As in,even if I have an opportunity to stalk the life out of something, I deliberately hold back, remembering there's a higher power than me and fighting my need to know and control everything. A calls me Monica. From Friends. I don't know how she meant by it, but I consider it a compliment. Haha, because I love the way she's so perfect about everything. If you're going to live, live well, right?

My study routine is so funny. I wake up at 4pm. Then self-loathe for about a half hour. Then study for barely an hour before Aftaari prep beckons me. Then after Aftaari prep, I'm too full and sleepy, so I'm skimming through pages. Then 8:30pm-10:30pm, is a double show of Masterchef followed by Criminal Minds. Everything is supremely testing me! And I regularly fail that test. I end up watching the shows and starting to SERIOUSLY begin study after midnight. I need something to properly scare me that the send ups are actually coming up. I think lack of time will scare me one day. Right now, it's not, as is evident by the fact that I still have half a chapter left of Biochem study and it's 2:25am. -___-

I really want/need a new profile picture for my Facebook. Preferably one taken by a DSLR. I need some fun in my life!

So there you have it. A blog post of a person who has nothing interesting going on for her in her life. But when she does, she'll let you know.

Twenty ways.

I have another journal.

A blue one, sitting on my sidetable. One that I rarely open, because they're filled with words that, if they could, they would scream. Harsh words, strict words, words telling me to get back in line. To be good to myself, to not self-destruct. The writing in there changes so much, up to five times within a post. I do believe your handwriting reflects how you feel.

I opened it up again today, when I saw no other person to turn to. I sat out on the terrace, in the sunlight, trying to lighten the mood of whatever wine-dark sentences I wanted to let out. I couldn't.

I don't like knowing that I have one happy, normal blog and one dark blog. So I'm going to try to intertwine both together somehow. And maybe only today. Maybe never again after this.

Everybody has three lives: A public one, a private, and a secret. Public and private both go here. Secret goes nowhere. Nobody knows anybody's secret life, I can guarantee you. Even your best friend doesn't. Even your mother doesn't. That secret life makes you you. And you probably couldn't tell anyone even if you tried.

Aches. That stay with you even when you fight so hard for it not to. You do everything you can to distract you, you learned every possible code of distraction, of diversion, of looking somewhere else. And then there's just that one little thing, that might be so little to everyone else and it matters colossally to you, but you wish it didn't. You wish things like these didn't have to matter. It didn't matter when it was your cousin, or your friend. It mattered at the point when you really have to.

You want it out of your head, like you've drove everything else. 

I know something's bothering me when I've been awake for minutes but I still won't get out of bed. And yet I'm not finding a solution staying in it. I'm just letting my mind reel, through and through.

God, what I wouldn't do to be in New York right now. California, maybe.

There's nothing known as losing strength. If you were strong once, you will be. So I will be.

Knoweth.

To know a person is not just their personality and their likes and dislikes. You can't judge your basic analysis solely on that.

To know me, you have to hear the punjabi-like voice for when I'm talking to the help. The tart speech for when I'm bargaining in a bazaar. The relaxed, easy flowing tone with my friends. And the crisp vocabulary with elders and superiors.

You need to see me laugh, cry, swear, scream, sneeze and stay quiet and speechless.

To know me, you need to see me in day old pajamas, in a doctor's coat, in a casual get together, and at a wedding.

To know me, you have to not just know my likes and dislikes, but the reasons behind each one and why.

To know me, you have to see my hair curled, straightened, blow dried, let down, in a ponytail, and in a bun. Because I look like a different person each time.

To know me, you must know what I can tolerate and how high my threshold is, for anything. 

To know me, you have to see my smile, me bitten-to-the core fingernails, the two slight faded moles on one cheek, and the obvious birthmark.

To know, you need to see how I fish through my purse for my wallet, how my gait is exactly, how I move my hands when I talk, and when do I move it the most.

You need to know what makes me panic, what makes me calm, what upsets and delights me.

You need to know my habits, my OCD's, they way I stare off into space at times, and how I can't always look someone directly in the eye as they're speaking to me. 

To know someone, to claim to, you need to know everything.

 

Background happiness.

College is almost over! Just my last viva, on Wednesday, and that is it. I might sound self obsessed with studying, but the truth is, I'm surrounded by it all year round, so it feels like liberation when vacations come rolling. I have so many plans, and I can't wait to put them into action. 

Movies. Cousins. North. Islamabad. Maybe Peshawar. Shopping. Tailor. Food. Sewing. More food. 

This shall be fun.

H being in America is much easier now, I'm glad to observe and say. Everything feels all fit and snug. That's a strange way of putting it, but yes. It used to be, 'why does he have to go'. And now, it's 'he has to, and it's okay'. It sounds like just a change of how you think. But it's much harder than you know. That square one feeling was for that one day, after that I felt better knowing he's landed and there, and so we can now carry on with our lives. People go through long distance relationships all the time, there's no reason why I should feel any different. Or complain about it.

I'm going to eat mangoes today and watch "The Mist",a movie my friend's been after me to watch, going to the extent of actually downloading the movie for me and putting it in a USB. Whoa, okay. Lol.

Gourmet's Chocolate Chip ice cream (the litre pack) is absolute heaven. It tastes like international ice cream, like pure chocolate, not the milaawat wali cheezain. 

And on the other hand, Shezan's lychee juice bottle is disgusting. Had it for the first time today in college, and it was actually nasty. Sticking to the Shezan mango juice from now on.

Dad and brother are back from Dubai today! I didn't think I would've missed them so much. Or maybe I just want the things they're bringing back. I don't know. But I'm still excited. So, basically waiting for them.

I have been overloaded on fruits this year. And I love it. Watermelon, plums, mangoes, apricots, peaches, the works. It feels refreshing.

"Monday, tuesday, happy days, wednesday, thursday, happy days..."

A streak across the parallels.

The only way you can know how you've changed is when you're presented again with the same situation, and you deal with it differently. For ten months of the year, that is what happened. Stressful situations found me having a cooler head than last time. Emotional moments found me much more stronger, and holding up. If somebody said something that hurt me, I had a much better, acceptable reaction. I liked this.

Until H had to go back to the States.

And I found myself at square one all over again.

With the helpless feeling, me checking Flightstats everytime his flight is supposed to land, and when he does get there, getting used to him not being here, not calling him, and only having contact through the internet. I don't like this.

I'm not sad at being found out that I didn't actually change. I just dislike this feeling. I wish I could properly describe it. As in, it's a weird feeling. Like, there's nothing I can do about anything, although I sorely wish I could. This "jolt" in my schedule. I'm a carefully planned and controlled person. Any shift in events causes me to panic. And boy, this is one hell of a shift in events. 

He's still en route, and my mind has lost its proper frame of thought. Aaargh. I can't wait until a few proper days pass, and familiarity in an old-but-new place sets in. This is hard.

Less than the feeling, what's harder is the ''back to square one'' again. Does this actually mean that no matter how much I change this self image and after all the compartmentalization and prioritizing, I will STILL feel this way when he leaves every year? I'm not even sure if this is good or bad. 

I'm overthinking this way too much. Let's give myself another jolt back to reality. Brain substage in 3 days. Had a great time with friends yesterday, going out for dinner. Italian food is beyond, amazing. Heavy. And yet still so creamy delicious. I can never get enough of it.

Picture day was today. For us friends, an "official" photo for second year. I like the sound of that, documenting a photo for every year, where we all are standing in the same place. Very vintage. Very sentimental. I guess, in the end I'll always be like this. And it's time I start being okay with that.

Charlie Brown is an amazing pick-me-up song. The music is so lifting. Maybe only for me. 

Checked Flightstats again. Landed in London. Things will ease up soon enough.

Experience + Experiments.

My laptop attracts my siblings like a flower attracts bees. I now have a cluttered desktop, with half of the icons not even mine. Not cool. Not cool at all -.-

Today was amazing and terrifying in so so many ways. Took the day off college because the classes weren't so important. I have a viva the next day AND YET, I didn't study a single word. Not one. So unlike me. Watched TV and went online all day (checked Facebook a handful of times) Successive shows: Masterchef Aus, White Collar, Two and a Half Men and How I Met Your Mother. Aaah.

I'll somehow wing the viva tomorrow, I'm not worried about it. :)

I'm starting to think deeper about my friends in Uni. They started out as people I could just hang with during college hours, and sometimes text. The thing is, when you're coming into a professional degree, starting at Bachelor level, you have to go in remembering that everyone already has their social circle set up. They have their old friends, their private jokes, and their long standing years of relationships with other people. Something I'm glad I found out early on. And the group I'm with, it's just that: people with different lives, all colliding together on a daily basis, talking about studies and sometimes, the occasional hang out. But it's not solid, it's not "I'll be your shoulder to cry on" sort of thing. Which I both liked and disliked. I told myself that within a year or two, by the end of second year, I'd be a better judge of who everyone is, and where we should all stand. And now being in that position, I'm right. I know now. No names being mentioned (or rather, no initials, as I use). But I think I know who I'll be spending more time with, someone who's not exactly the emotional type, but is more or less how I am. And with that discovery, I also know who I'll be spending LESS time with. People who I can feel the indifference from, who I can sense the lack of interests. We're a group of seven, and yet occurrences like two people not texting for months actually occurs. *shrugs* Happens. 

I never went in expecting everything to be hunky dory and lovey dovey. I went in for a medical degree and good, solid dependability. No drama, no more drama. That's for when you're in a hormonal rage at 15-18 years old, and have the "YOLO" motto stamped across your forehead. Only to realize later, you're filled with regret and you're spending the next ten years of your life making good, mature decisions in order to cover the tracks. It's just better, simpler, wiser to be more mature about everything. Really. 

H leaving for the States is finally getting to me. I knew it would hit me the moment I would get done with my Biochemistry test, because up until then, that test was the only thing I would let my mind worry about. Hey, but it's okay. It happens every year. And there's no such thing as "I can't live without you". And nor will I make myself or anything else an emotional mess about it. Bas, theek hai. I'm fine, he's fine, we're fine. And we will be. 

This summer is hot. I don't like it. It goes as high as 121 degrees Fahrenheit in the afternoons. Mhm. And I especially don't like feeling weak and tired all the time, even after my proper doses of sleep. I've been ODing on tea too much for tests,and it's making my stomach hurt.

You know "Bokeh":

Why can't we see this with the naked eye? Why does all the beautiful stuff have to be captured in DSLR cameras and auto focused or some other feature? I think things like this are beyond gorgeous. I could get lost in lights like those. And every other beautiful picture I see, with light rays from the Sun.

For some reason the song "Charlie Brown" comes in my head with scenes like these. And I think the urge to fall into these pictures and leave reality is my subconscious crying out for freedom. I need to stop being my own psychoanalyst.

More experiments and thought ponderings for later.

No cure.

It's back to writer's block. I've been sitting here, cross-legged on the bed, laptop in hand, staring at the screen, then switching tabs, then staring back at it.  At the Blogger's "Create Post" page.

I have no insight, no inspiration, no thoughts to collect. This is actually hurting me.

Let's see.

-College is coming to an end, something I am so thankful for. MBBS is something I love, but it just sucks you in, in the middle of things, and you can't wait to get out. It's been so much more easier this year, because we know the ropes, the tips and tricks. So everything is under control. That's all I needed. Two/three more tests, just a liiitle more focus, and then I can look forward to book reading, Wiki-trolling, and sleeping. Sleeping. All day. 

-It's also coming back to that time of the year again, when H has to go back to the States for his ritualistic two months. Sad this year, no. It's nice to know my mind has happily accepted it without any grudge or misgivings. It's also nice to see myself change this way emotionally as I get older every year. It's difficult right now to put my thoughts into words, so I'll settle for another post on it, another day.

Everything seems to be wrapping up, doesn't it? 

-The heat is torture. Summers here are not fun at all. I wish I could whine about it as much as I wanted, but for God's sake, this is a twenty two year old here. 

-Found the camera charger. Want to take so many pictures, and yet I don't know why I haven't yet. 

-It's been one year since our house has been robbed. Still faintly traumatizing to remember.

-Why is it that everytime I buy Knorr noodles to eat because I assume there'll be no food in the house, there's always food in the house? The packet is just sitting there, on my sidetable.Waiting.

-People I like following need to blog more.

Sleepy now. I need this writer's block to fade away.

Phosphene thoughts.

It's amazingly cool weather outside and my sister has the air conditioner on in here. How lame.

Facebook is beyond boring now, it's stupid. I strongly dislike it when I see so-and-so wrote on my Timeline (I hate Timeline. Wall. Wrote on my Wall) and it's just another quiz desperate and begging to be taken. No, I won't take it. It's not true. Who still believes ''What Does Your Name Mean?'' quizzes are true anyway? Your name means what it literally means. Bas. Theek hai? Stop polluting my Wall.

This June I will be besieged with tests of every sort- Histology, Physiology, Biochemistry, and the usual Anatomy. Double minded on this. One, I don't like studying a lot. Yet- I love being busy and having something productive to do. Laziness feels so good physically, and so yucky mentally. 

Sat on the edge of the bed yesterday, alone in my room, and talked myself out of being sad and depressed. Forcing words out of my mouth, to drag my mind away. Especially since I was being that way because of H. A long time ago, the mental decision was made that he would not have that power over me. A call is missed, it's missed. Don't guilt trip yourself into it. So you couldn't text back because you became busy out of nowhere. No reason to feel sorry for yourself or for him waiting for you (which he might not even be). You know the feeling for when you're waiting for somebody's text so bad, that you check your phone every 30 seconds, and whenever a text does come, your heart leaps, but then it's not him/her? I trained that feeling out of me. Doesn't happen anymore. Can you do that?

 I find myself making up sentences, horrible harsh sentences. Break up sentences. Uncomfortable truth sentences. And hearing them in my head- in his voice. Training again? So that he was ever to say any of it, I could be content and think oh it's okay, I've heard it all before. And it wouldn't hurt as much. If at all.

Steering this away now. I want more new clothes. I'll go to the tailor again tomorrow. I've been obsessed with stitching my own tops as well. I guess that's what happens when you have too many friends from PSFD posting up their work.

I'm going to learn how to cook AND sew this summer. Along with juggling Ramadan and studying for my send ups. Deal.

I wonder where my commenters have gone.

Let's walk through here.

Don't think.

I am deliberately avoiding writing in here. I don't know why, just some feeling of pushing it all away. What way, I don't know that either. My second or third tab to open, everytime I come online, is Blogger. And I do open it. Just to shut it again. I will just keep on writing, to see what I can come up with.

I went to go see the "Avengers" today. It was good enough. Robert Downey Jr. is so funny. Before this, last night I saw the 4th installment of "Pirates of the Carribean", and then somewhere in the last week I watched "Inception" for the first time. I've never watched so many movies in one week. It's making me wonder what my favorite type of genre is regarding movies. I don't know. Chick flicks and romantic movies put me off. No matter how practical they make it, it always has some lame effect to make it impractical. I don't like that. "Valentine's Day" was good though, it seemed less lame-ish.
 A told me to watch its counterpart, "New Year's Eve". Okay, A. I will.

Today is a free, open, do-whatever-you-want Sunday. Done with tests for the moment, done with the Abdomen and Pelvis stage, today I have enough room to be flexible and move around. Which feels good.

I like it when random questions pop into my head through the course of a day, like "Why do Sardaars wear pugs?" or "What type of sunglasses will suit my face shape?" and I save them in my phone, and then go home and find out. It's like a quest to find things out through my otherwise boring life. Yes, despite all the hangouts with friends and tests and errands to run and clothes to give to the tailor and studying to do, I am bored. Bored out of my mind. I catch myself thinking, every other moment, that this is not the way to live at all. You're supposed to be happy. I once asked W what he wanted to be when he grew up. He said he wanted to be happy. Back then, I didn't get it, and now I do.

Look, life is always going to be busy, it's always going to keep throwing things at you, the older you get. You have to deal with more things, added on to your schedule like brick after brick, and the load gets heavier too. Why lose yourself in all that? Why not find out what makes you happy, and go do it? Why not actually sit down, clear your mind of all responsibility, deadlines, timings, and see what you like, what you want to do? It's such a simple solution, and yet even I don't do it. I wake up, go to Uni every day, and get caught up there.
I thought I would like it this way, so that I wouldn't have to look back at the fight me and H had the night before, or anything else that would bring me down. I would learn to move on. And that led to unrequited feelings, lack of vents, and making even the biggest of deals sound like a small one. Like if you needed help from someone, but you've been trying so hard to show them that you don't need help, that in the end they get used to it, and even seeing you in the troublest of times, won't trouble them at all. Big deal turned into nothing. Turned into a habit, or taking you for granted.

I want to stop being bored. I want to stop using Uni and hangouts and countless, pointless other things as fillers in my life. I want no more awkward silences, no formalities, and definitely no more unhappiness.

That was a 4 minute thought process right there, that was so continuous, it could make stagnant water flow.


H cannot be any more static than he is right now. And for a very long time, I've been under the water about what to do about it. Bring both our busy lives in, we refuse to address anything. If I take the stand, and bring it up. H: "We will talk about this until it gets better, and we can solve every problem." Before you or I know it, we turn our backs to one another and go on with our own lives. His nightly phone calls don't increase communication; you can hear our voices muffled through the veil we've chosen to put up. He's chosen. I haven't.
Ultimatum. It's such a heavy word, it implies so much. You win AND you lose. Always. I find myself unconsciously preparing myself for the losing part. Deliberately hearing words like "You're right, we should break up, it's for the best", in his voice, in my head. To hear it so much that if he ever actually says it, I'll be atleast semi-prepared.
Nothing in my world is ever without preparation.

Enough of the depressive talk. I'm actually getting sick of hearing myself. I think that's why I avoided Blogger. But I'm still not deleting this post. It should be like a reminder.

Food now, and some teenage rant music. Byebye.

Dimmed.

What you said about it being too late to realize things, it isn't. People break up years into the relationship, just when they thought they had it right. And not necessarily because they were tolerating something for so long. Maybe there was a shock of realization, of something they always ignored- or never noticed. That now bothered them or made them question. They saw something new in that person, something they didn't like. And then they saw incompatibility seep in, saw themselves starting to count the other's flaws like stars in the sky. Reading everything like a mosaic now. The first glance, everything is so beautiful and intricate, untouchable. But stare at it long enough, and you find the mistakes. The painter's slip of the brush, the hidden things. Things that ruin it whole, and you never think again it beautiful anymore. Impression is changed. It's now ordinary.

You start to remember everything he ever said or did, to use it as a weapon. To see if he fights back, HOW he fights back when you mention it, as if it could be an indication of the coming years. And he thinks you're doing it to hurt him.

Feelings aren't substance. But neither are words. Nor thoughts. And the latter two are felt and used as foundations to create something out of thin air. Set store by feelings more too, please. They're powerful. Equally as powerful as the concrete you walk on.

Is there a point to all these talks? What if nothing changes, like so many times before? This is not a mosaic. We're not beautiful, this is not beautiful. Make it beautiful, only you can, would you? Incompatibility. There's a chance of it now. After all this time, did I miss something, did you fail to show? Am I overthinking it, or are you oversimplifying?

"Always believe, in a corner of your mind, that anything can break you. And then, nothing will."

Sadness brings out the flow. I can't wait for the day when happiness can.

Unbalance.

Finally set up my laptop to include Windows 7, and all the drivers. Feels good, one thing crossed off my list. A million more to go.

Things are missing. My camera charger. My anatomy sketchbook (it's found now. At my cousin's house) Something else that I forgot. I don't like losing things. I feel empty then. I rarely lose things anyway.

K's been ill for the past week. High grade fever, abdominal pain. The way my mind has been screwed with regarding my choice of career, only I know about. I've had to guess my sister's diagnosis about seven times so far. About 68203 people have given me advice on what pills to give, or what injections, or IV infusions. Taken her to four doctors, each of them giving a different diagnosis. It's not malaria. Or jaundice. Or dengue. If it's just a simple fever, why won't it go away? My medical knowledge has been supremely tested, and my entire set up of life has been turned upside down. Priorities change when your family is in danger. 

When Mom needed to have her surgery, I was on prof leave, so I could be able to juggle visits to the hospital + studying + taking care of the house. Somehow, I did, and somehow I ended up with 403/600, a number I thought was impossible for me. But this time, my sister's illness is overtaking everything else (as it should). I've missed a Biochem viva not once, but twice, have nothing prepared for the coming substage or Biochem test, Histo copy SO incomplete that I'm afraid of even getting it checked, and missed two days of college and an out-of-city trip (which my friends are currently on right now as I write this). And it's making me really miserable. I need everything to fit, like a puzzle, so that I can get all the important things done in my life. I hate this feeling.

If anyone was to ask me any question in the world right now, I'd only have one answer. "I just want my sister to get better and recover fully back to health." Remember her in your prayers please.

Guests over, chai to make, histo diagrams to complete. Will go now. 

P.S. I am aware that this is a pessimistic post. And lacking any sense of poetic edge that I am so desperately craving. But it's allowed for now. Life is certainly looking down.

Worshipping the weather as my eyelids get heavier.

I've been staying in Old Lahore for a few days now, and will be back home tomorrow. I come here almost every day anyway, for university, but I remain within classes, never enough time to go out and explore. I'm here, and I find this place mesmerizing. It's been ruined by the traffic, and a little spruced up by the new blue signboards denoting where the Canal is, or different streets are (tarakki Pakistan! Thank you.). But strip all of that away, and Old Lahore is brilliant.
I want to buy kolapuri shoes from Anarkali.
Beautiful affordable prints from Shadmaan.
Eat pathooray from Food Street.
Walk alongside the fountains of Shalimar Gardens.
Gol gappay from Mall Road.
Remember death by looking at Miani Sahib.
The huge, towering Chuburji Chowk.
Watch a sunset from the centre of the courtyard of Baadshahi Mosque.

History is incredible here. Add this gorgeous weather, and there's a heart filled with desire.

Paradox.

The weekend is here. My one-day weekend. 

Which will also be spent studying for my next substage, on Tuesday. Abdomen and Pelvis. Peritoneum. Boring and dry as hell. But I think I deserve this, I have been going out way too often, for various things. Outings with college friends, dance practices for my school friend's wedding. I can barely sit down to study for more than two hours now, something bothers me inside to get up and do something else. To eat when I'm not hungry. To call people when I don't need to. My mind is oriented to fun now. 

This is an unplanned post, so I'll write whatever comes into my mind, whatever I've been thinking about or need to do. 

A lot of people have been dying in my family. Three this past week. One was a 12 year old boy that I didn't know. Which scares me. There are random moments in days where I suddenly get paranoid, thinking I might die soon too. I don't think about my age at all (because age is in no way an indication or guarantee that you're NOT going to die); I just think I haven't been a good enough person, and if I'm still alive tomorrow, I should work harder to pray and do good things. It sounds so simple, but I don't know where my mind is nowadays. Mostly it's for my friend's wedding. And getting this substage over with. And sleeping as much as I can.

That's another thing. I've been extremely sleepy for the past week or so. I think it's because college timings have changed. No matter how long I've slept the night before, or in the day, I start getting tired by midnight. As a matter of fact, I'm yawning right now, after having tea. Very strange.

I want to watch the new Dark Knight movie. The trailer looks amazing! Can't wait for it to come out in July. 

Only 2 and a half months left till second year is over. That wasn't fast, that was lightning speed. I remember beginning second year barely a few months ago, and it's already over. I like this, in a slight sort of a way, because then before you know it, five years will be over and I'll be getting my degree, inshAllah. But I also don't like it. Because it's going too fast, we need to slow down and absorb everything. It feels like we're rushing.

For awhile now, I've been feeling like each day in a week is the slowest, but then I look back, and everything's happened too fast. The week ended, and a new one's about to begin.

I need to get my Windows 7 booted into my laptop. I need money. I need to stitch summer suits. I need new ideas and creativity. I need to stop talking so much with people. 

I like how things are going with H. I wish I had some sort of a poetic flow to my words when I talk about this, because saying it so brash and blunt, feels like talking about a kettle. Or a ping pong ball. It's just, too normal. I know I can write better than this. For anything. That's why I don't like writing unless I feel...inspired. To write, or to explain. 

This was a random post. But I think I'll only write again when I really want to. I hope it's soon.

Solarium.

The terrace.
The weather was beyond beautiful. It was gorgeous in every way.
I sat there, on the plastic chair, barefoot, listening to H speak. Talking myself. Feeling the wind, watching clouds light up by the lightning behind them. Their silhouettes. 

The electricity goes out. It couldn't have gone out at a better time. 

Because though there was no light, everything was illuminated.

 I love how late spring nights are never pitch black. They're midnight blue, blue-purple, enough to make it feel like twilight. An ethereal feeling.

I kept looking up after the phone call ended, never once looking down on the concrete of the balcony for fear that I'd remember I was on ground; that I had liabilities, duties, the next day to live.
I remember I kept on wanting the sky to take me.
I remember the orange star I couldn't stop staring at, on the left side of the sky.
I remembered to forget the world tonight.

The Unsaid,Said.

You think I'm a child.

Because I act like one, talk like one, show you the lighter side.

Tell you all the unimportant,meaningless secrets so you think you know it all.

Honey, you have no idea what secrets are.

What depth is. How far two people can go to actually touch each other.

My handwriting changes to match yours because I have no idea who I am anymore.

I hate feeling out of place, always having to wonder whether I should be there.

Doubting your own sense of self, the person you like being.

Just because they can't. Stop. Saying. Things. Against You.

Which they do for no reason. 

I'd like to know why.

You think I'm a child.

You couldn't be more wrong.

Adequacy.

I feel like I'm struggling.

I don't know what's wrong. It's not H. It's not home life. Thankfully, both of these aspects are stable and okay. For the past week now, I've been feeling like everything is out of my hands, out of my control. I make a to-do list in my head every day, get most of the things done, and STILL don't feel accomplished. Or any sense of achievement. Like I used to. I feel like something's missing. I'm dying to make myself feel satisfied in some way, to bring my life under control, to eliminate uncertainty. I wish I could pinpoint and say "Yes, this is the problem, now let's think of a solution" but I can't.

Because I DON'T KNOW.

I learned something today though. You think you can trust someone, and in the end, you find out you can't. It's as simple as that. I want to stop feeling paranoid about everything, about watching my back, about wondering what other people think of me. I know I haven't done anything wrong, and most importantly, I'm not a bad person. So if people still want to talk, they can. I just need to learn to stop caring about that. Been texting Kt and H continuously about these matters. Even confided into another friend, someone I couldn't confide in before but now I think I can. And felt more than better. Relieved. I need to vent more than anything. And have somebody to talk to. And then it comes back to the same question: Who to trust?

This Spring break, I'm going to find out what is going on. I need to. One whole week off, to study properly, fully rest up, and get summer shopping and stuff started. Hopefully, everything else in my life remains normal and balanced enough for me to ponder on what this is all about, and what's going on.

For the best.

Sometimes, I forget how much I feel. How much I can. It's a double-edged sword. One, I'm really happy that I can explain myself so well and know the root of every problem I face. But two- it's painful. The feelings are all negative. Hurtful.

And I'm sorry to say they haven't changed. 

You can say "You're right" to me all you want. For whatever reason. To shut me up. Or because you really do believe it. But let it be known that there's no point, when you do absolutely nothing about it.

Three days. A part of me (only a small part) thinks I'm doing the wrong thing, that the rare time we do have to talk should be met with civility and nicety. But you know what? That's stupid and submissive. The larger part of me wants a fight. Raring. Full out brawl. With everything, you and me, this, exposed. So that's what I've been doing. In case you didn't know. Fully out there.

I won't say anymore, not because I don't know what to do. Because I do. I do know. Because now I refuse to let anyone make decisions for me. I refuse to let anyone toy with my thought process, be it friend, family or foe. Being yourself means knowing yourself, and knowing what's right for you. Nobody should have the power to change your mind.

I just need the courage. I'm afraid of the void that will fill me when you're gone. Not of the romantic part. The friend you were, and still are. Of my safety net breaking. 

Maybe it'll come. Maybe it won't. Uncertainty, maybe for the best.

Lappys!

New laptop in hand! Dell Inspiron N15.This feels very, very nice. First blog post from it :)

The ceremony was good, but I realized, I don't think I should exert myself very much. I go through different moods depending on the day, or how I'm feeling. Some people know that they are either leaders or followers. For me, it can be both, or either, at any time. I like being bossy sometimes, but most of the time, my lazy streak kicks in, and I just follow the person in charge. For the ceremony, I wanted to be a part of it in some way, and so I went into singing the national anthem. I literally jumped in it on the last day, and was excited to do it. The day of the ceremony though, it was torture. First, the heat. Second, no breakfast. Third, singing my lungs out. Fourth, standing for the longest time. I envied my batchmates who were sitting their seats.When I came home, I had a pounding headache, and just had to sleep. The headache went away, but it's back again.

But there were advantages. I could see the whole ceremony, the guests, the Gun Salute. And later when I heard that none of the second year could see it properly, then I felt glad being in the front, in the choir, wasn't all that bad.

Went through the entire ceremony, just to get my laptop within 2 minutes flat. That is pretty frustrating.

But it's here now! It's gorgeous- except for the laser imprinted ''Youth Programme''' thing on the glossy cover. :/ I'm planning on getting an attachable cover for it. There are really pretty ones out there.

No tests till the 17th. YAY.

I need to download so many movies on this thing, and spend my Spring break being captivated.

Congratulations on everyone who got a laptop, and for everyone else who hasn't got one yet but are going to! It's worth it :)

I now want to stop being strong. Seriously. I needed to prove something with H, so I kept up this act, until it literally became who I am. I am strong now. I can hold things in. I can make things better in my head. But I have this feeling that I can unravel with anyone else, except him. That I should. Outlet, maybe. I write better than this. Deeper than this. I have to stop coming across as a shallow girl, who's in denial and trying to avoid topics that hurt her or break her. Because in reality, that isn't strength at all, is it? Strength is talking about everything, and still holding up. Strength is made, not born.

New post soon. With old fashioned depth.

Weekend, bookends.

I really don't like the new Facebook timeline. Why does Zuckerberg have to keep on giving facelifts to the social networking website? I've always been okay with whatever design they had out, and this latest one was the best (before Timeline). I tried to avoid it as much as possible, but since it's inevitably going to be put on anyway, I decided I just do it. Aargh.

On the other hand, I do like my cover photo :)

Aaaaaaah, it feels so amazing to be free. No restrictions, inhibitions, anything to study. I've been doing a lot of spring cleaning these past two days. Switching winter to summer clothes. Changed the setting of my room. Bought a new gorgeous shaggy purple rug. It's something I've been dying to have for months now, because I hated my previous one. So days are going pretty productive, I'm keeping myself busy and active. I just wish I prayed more. If there's one area of my life that needs fixing, it's religion. Prayer and Quraan. I won't be hypocritical and say I don't have time; I can most certainly MAKE time. Just...I don't know. *hides face*

The first episode of the final season of Desperate Housewives today! Been following it since the second season, and now it's the eighth. More than being a movie buff, I definitely am a silver screen fanatic. I need to follow shoes and watch seasons. They seem more worthwhile than movies sometimes.

Laptop ceremony preparations in full swing. I'm getting a laptop! Exciting, since I already own one. :) 

I feel like I need to write more meaningful posts after this one. Not haphazard. I just cannot be disorganized, it actually freaks me out. My mind isn't "blog-oriented". I need to make daily thoughts into blog posts. Kal se.

Spread the word! NUST is holding an event for yet another Guinness World record attempt. It's "the largest number of people to hold up the National Flag". The current record is Hong Kong's, at 21,756 people (or something like that). They're planning on gathering upto 25,000 to beat the record by a margin. Pakistan's already broken one record this year, we can do it again. If you live in Islamabad, or have relatives there, or just like breaking world records, the event is on 21st April, at 7am, at the National Industrial Exhibition Site in Faizabad (near Islamabad). Details are on Nust's facebook page, NUST Tips.You can click here. And if you're not going, do spread the word! We need as many people as possible. Coincidentally, I don't have tests that week but even if I did, I'd still go. This is going to be epic. Just like the March 23rd painting. And I get to see khala and W after a much overdue visit. Win-win. :D

Standstill with H. No conclusion from either side. I don't want it to get me down. I caught myself in moments of weaknesses today, while walking in college, or at home, where I wondered, really deeply, how things would be if they ended. We haven't talked properly in 2 days, and I know he'll attribute that to work and being busy. Atleast I know that I've been speaking my mind, because I have. No matter how the phone conversation has been starting since Tuesday, it's always turned into a discussion with me giving my reasons and thoughts. I like that.And I think, no matter what happens, I have to keep forcing my mind to the good side of it all. That I'll still be happy no matter what happens. And then I think I'll be okay. :)

Looking up home remedy treatments for various things. How's your Saturday well spent?