I now want to stop being strong. Seriously. I needed to prove something with H, so I kept up this act, until it literally became who I am. I am strong now. I can hold things in. I can make things better in my head. But I have this feeling that I can unravel with anyone else, except him. That I should. Outlet, maybe. I write better than this. Deeper than this. I have to stop coming across as a shallow girl, who's in denial and trying to avoid topics that hurt her or break her. Because in reality, that isn't strength at all, is it? Strength is talking about everything, and still holding up. Strength is made, not born.

New post soon. With old fashioned depth.

Weekend, bookends.

I really don't like the new Facebook timeline. Why does Zuckerberg have to keep on giving facelifts to the social networking website? I've always been okay with whatever design they had out, and this latest one was the best (before Timeline). I tried to avoid it as much as possible, but since it's inevitably going to be put on anyway, I decided I just do it. Aargh.

On the other hand, I do like my cover photo :)

Aaaaaaah, it feels so amazing to be free. No restrictions, inhibitions, anything to study. I've been doing a lot of spring cleaning these past two days. Switching winter to summer clothes. Changed the setting of my room. Bought a new gorgeous shaggy purple rug. It's something I've been dying to have for months now, because I hated my previous one. So days are going pretty productive, I'm keeping myself busy and active. I just wish I prayed more. If there's one area of my life that needs fixing, it's religion. Prayer and Quraan. I won't be hypocritical and say I don't have time; I can most certainly MAKE time. Just...I don't know. *hides face*

The first episode of the final season of Desperate Housewives today! Been following it since the second season, and now it's the eighth. More than being a movie buff, I definitely am a silver screen fanatic. I need to follow shoes and watch seasons. They seem more worthwhile than movies sometimes.

Laptop ceremony preparations in full swing. I'm getting a laptop! Exciting, since I already own one. :) 

I feel like I need to write more meaningful posts after this one. Not haphazard. I just cannot be disorganized, it actually freaks me out. My mind isn't "blog-oriented". I need to make daily thoughts into blog posts. Kal se.

Spread the word! NUST is holding an event for yet another Guinness World record attempt. It's "the largest number of people to hold up the National Flag". The current record is Hong Kong's, at 21,756 people (or something like that). They're planning on gathering upto 25,000 to beat the record by a margin. Pakistan's already broken one record this year, we can do it again. If you live in Islamabad, or have relatives there, or just like breaking world records, the event is on 21st April, at 7am, at the National Industrial Exhibition Site in Faizabad (near Islamabad). Details are on Nust's facebook page, NUST Tips.You can click here. And if you're not going, do spread the word! We need as many people as possible. Coincidentally, I don't have tests that week but even if I did, I'd still go. This is going to be epic. Just like the March 23rd painting. And I get to see khala and W after a much overdue visit. Win-win. :D

Standstill with H. No conclusion from either side. I don't want it to get me down. I caught myself in moments of weaknesses today, while walking in college, or at home, where I wondered, really deeply, how things would be if they ended. We haven't talked properly in 2 days, and I know he'll attribute that to work and being busy. Atleast I know that I've been speaking my mind, because I have. No matter how the phone conversation has been starting since Tuesday, it's always turned into a discussion with me giving my reasons and thoughts. I like that.And I think, no matter what happens, I have to keep forcing my mind to the good side of it all. That I'll still be happy no matter what happens. And then I think I'll be okay. :)

Looking up home remedy treatments for various things. How's your Saturday well spent?

Pastel,Icy Blue.

Remember the flu in the previous post? Well. That pretty much escalated to the highest that it possibly could have. I'm now sitting here, congested, needing steam. Been taking meds for days, and resting so much that I feel like I've slept enough for death. Steam after this post.

The house feels eerily quiet, because everyone's gone to Talha' chelum/chaaliswaan. Except me and Ha, littlest sister. Not sounding too cliche, it's really shocking how 40 days have passed since he died. Some days, it feels like he was never alive. And others, it's like he died just yesterday. My brother is coping with it in the hardest way possible, but his weakness peeks through sometimes. When we were lecturing him the other day about riding his bike slow or he could end up like Talha, he burst into tears, screaming that that's all anyone is reminding him of. Everybody is grieving at different paces. It's something that we'll all have to live with for the rest of our life. 

Histology test coming up on 27th. Spotting on that day too. Then a substage on 29th. Then Spring break. From tomorrow onwards, life will be filled up and busy once again. 

Contrary to what people are believing, that title of my previous post has nothing to do with H. Lol. Really. I wrote it for myself. I'M somebody that I used to know. Everybody feels like they're two, even three people sometimes. I've had to switch personalities upto three times in a day. To deal with relatives, friends, and family. The whole formality bit. Formalities are so stupid, frankly. The whole world literally lives on that one aspect of society. I'm not saying you're supposed to throw knives at your enemies when you see them, but please don't be so overly friendly with sugar in your voice. It screams fake. So, that title was basically representing all of that.

With H, I really don't know how to start, continue, or end with. I'm not sure where I or he or we stand anymore (a usual feeling, if you haven't guessed by now). I was thinking, in the end it is all up to me. What I decide. I can decide to sit here and listen to everything he can tell me, and I can also decide whether I want to believe it or not. Because for the longest time, I have been believing it. Even if it sounds unbelievable.

The sad part is, I know I have all of this other warmer, more caring person inside of me to show, but I've been so affronted with how he is or what he does that I cannot be that person. I've tried. So the question battling in my mind is, should I leave it like this, at a standstill in the dark, where both of us don't know where we are, or should I just let go?

He doesn't know how often I've thought of ending this. I 'm not sure how he'll react. For him, everything is a little restrained, but otherwise fine. It catches me in moments of normality, while I'm walking towards the kitchen, or studying a chapter of Physiology, where I think "No, this isn't working out, look at this, and this. I think I should call it off." I am caught in my own maze of indecision, and I feel like I'm going to self destruct. I don't know whether I should give him a chance to explain everything and fix it, or for me to declare that there's no more room for chance anymore, and I want this off.

He's done nothing big. Nothing scandalous. But sometimes, it's NOT the big things. It's the little things. Cliche again. But true. The time he didn't call back. When he cancelled on a meeting. When he hasn't texted in days (and then always acts so overtly sweet afterward). When he doesn't even follow up on a question you ask him in a text, just completely ignores it. When he doesn't even apologize for things he should. When he says he'll change, and he doesn't. When you start bringing up the problems in order to fix them, and you can hear him sigh in exasperation. When he gets angry at things he isn't supposed to. When you see yourself trying so hard, and him breezing through life on other things, which he claims aren't important (but then again if they weren't, why is he doing them?)

He is a mass of contradictions. I can never get through to him. 

I have guy friends more attentive to him, in calling and texting. Which only makes me wonder. 

Moving away from the dredge and sadness, I attended the ''World's Largest Painting'' Guinness attempt! It was really something. The best part was that it happened on 23rd March, Pakistan Day. Look :D

The current world record is 36,000 square feet. And Pakistan made 42,000! It'll go into Guinness books. I'm sure of it (: K participated, and my whole family went to go see. Patriotic feelings much? It was awesome. Next Guinness World record attempt is at NUST, and I'm planning on going. It'll also make for a trip to Islamabad, something I've been dying to do for ages. Need a meet up with W.

Time to get started on some heavyloaded studying for the day. And helping Ha study too, for her Matric papers. Sunday should be nice and quiet and calm.

The laziest cat in the world. And mine.

Now you're just somebody that I used to Know.

2nd year of medical really does hit you straight in the face. I heard from seniors the course was easier, and it sort of is. But preparing it for the first time for a test, is agonizing. I am not as studious as I used to be, not as pre-planned, and not as much of a schedule freak. For the last 3 tests, I haven't followed any of the schedules I made for them. Just started from some random page, didn't have a goal for the night, stayed in denial. And I STILL passed. Proving that I have nothing to fear =]

I've been thinking about "fear" a lot. That I'm cautious and frightened by life.A part of does things for the moral baggage behind it, but the other part does it because of fear of the opposite. I study hard because of the fear of failure. I don't lie because I'm afraid of being caught. I don't steal because I'm afraid someone's watching me.

Islam teaches us that we're supposed to fear Allah, and it'll prevent us from doing bad deeds. But I don't think this is what it meant. When they say ''fear Allah'', your faith in Him is supposed to be further embedded into you, and a feeling of peace in instilled. Engulfed. You're not supposed to be afraid of Him like a kid is afraid of a monster. My far ''levels'' interchange between these two all the time. But I wish I did something just for the sake of doing it. Not for the sake of fearing its consequences.

I'm way too future oriented. I pick up clothes after I change not to keep the room cleam, but so that they don't make a future mess. I do things now so that I won't have to do them later. I've basically programmed my mind into making sure that my future life will be easier, but then in the future, something else always comes up to challenge me. I wish I lived in the present more; it would actually make me stop and look at my surroundings.

In the college bus this morning, we passed Racecourse Park. Absolutely gorgeous this time of year. Spring. In fact, any and every place is gorgeous. Flowers everywhere. And this particular park had fountains and walkways. My heart yearned to get off the bus and just walk there. Alone. Completely alone. For me, that's a break in life. My sense of a vacation. Being alone in a beautiful place. I will go there before Spring ends, atleast once. Sad that Spring is so short-lived in this country.

I'm in love with the song ''Twilight'' by Cover Drive. It is so NOT the type of stuff I listen to, it's like Bohemian/Jamaican rap or something, but the beat is extremely catchy. I bob my head to it in public. People stare at me like I have a problem.

My nail biting habit has been stopped. It's too early to say that it's gone forever, but it is past the ''critical'' stage. Nails are growing, though I had taken to start biting my skin instead. My friends called me a cannibal. And literally would check my hands every day to see if I was still biting skin or not. Ad maybe hit me. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not. They were right when they said it would make me stop biting. It did. I'm actually afraid of showing my hands in front of them. Haha. I want a manicure now.

Talha (my nephew) hasn't left our minds. Even if he does, it comes back stronger the next time. Makes me wonder how fast everything can happen. His cousin was born last week. One life taken and one life given. A moment like that makes you actually realize what life is, exactly. For us, we mourn a death for days, and then other times, we celebrate a birth. Whereas people are born and killed every day. And you don't feel the paradox of it unless they both happen at once, or very close together. It makes you judge nature. It makes your faith stronger. It certainly gives you a lot to think about.

"The God of Small Things", by Arundhati Roy. Read the book. Wrote a whole review on it, in the back of my register. Haha. The gist of it, it was okay. 7/10. I wouldn't read it again. Good enough that I'll remember the story, not enough that I'd recommend it. There were parts in the middle where the book was un-putdownable, and other parts where I just couldn't understand because it turned political (communism). But it was okay. Deep. A little depressing. Good :)

Tests on their way, and many other events. Life being busy and filled, I like. Will talk about H next time. I have a lot to say, but my nose is blocked because of spring flu and I need a tablet.I hope everyone's in the best of health and doing okay.  :)

Heightened.

Oh my God.

I passed my first Professional Part I! 

:D

Crazy that I didn't get to see my marks first; friends did. Even crazier that all of my friends marks are phenomenal (including mine). And absolutely insane that two of our friends are distinction holders! Wow.

I am so glad that all the tension has been broken, that we all passed, and with ''izzat wale'' marks. So many parties and treats to attend, I'm actually excited. Haha.

I'm going to ask Dad for a new phone. It's the least he can do. :)

Sadly, this does not mean that I can relax. Stage coming up, as well as Biochem test and Histology crap. But I don't want to think about that now.

Today was an awesome day at college. Pictures, meeting everyone, the congratulations.

 R (one of the people who got distinctions) was like "I get that people are congratulating me, and hugging, but what's with the kissing?!" 

Me: :/ What kissing?

R: I've had girls come up to me and kiss me. Hugs are valid. Tight hugs. BONE-BREAKING hugs. But you never kiss a girl. Even if you yourself are a girl. ESPECIALLY if you're a girl. This college has a problem.

Haha. R has ''touchy'' problems. She doesn't even share drinks with everyone. I find that sensible, but still funny.

From tomorrow, it'll be back to normal routine. And I really need to get my studying system back on track. Ever since the death, my head's been in a spin. But slowly, I'm getting back to normal, and I can't afford to fail anything. I really want to do well this year. My marks weren't spectacular, but I was really, really proud of them. And they've only motivated me to do better. So I will :)