Randomie #1

I love airports.

  It's freedom to me.

Empty.

Okay, so H just left ''our'' city (Lahore) and went to Islamabad. From there, he'll catch his flight bound for the States.

Today was the last day of college, and all my foreign friends will also be leaving by either tomorrow or the 2nd.

I'm starting to feel it already. That rush of emotion.

Even though, near its end, I really started to hate college, because of its tedious routine and all its tests (I even began to doubt whether I should even stay something I've never doubted before) I still loved going, for my friends. To see them everyday, even just to sit there in the lecture hall, was a thousand times better than going home and finding out that there was one more problem to fix, or deal with. I'm a strong advocate of not running away from your problems, but for the past week, I felt like running away every day for a week now. I'm not feeling like that anymore, thank God.

So now, I don't have that outlet anymore. To laugh with the twins, to ''plog'' (paper blog) with A,to watch others sleep.

I'll have home, and boredom. I plan on watching loads of movies and reading a ton of books. Also, I have my cousin's wedding coming up on the 15th! So I need to fully prep for that.

H leaving. For two months. 8000 miles away. Wow. This will be a true test of everything that's between us. I'm not worried about him, or myself for that matter, cheating. I'm just thinking...I'm going to miss him very much. And in the end, I will cope with this. He will too. We'll have to. We have no choice. Some days I think it'll all be very manageable, and other days, I'm thinking that I won't be able to talk to him when I want, and we'll be living in separate time zones.

This song completely describes how I feel. I'm in love with it. It was the last song I put in my phone before it was stolen.

Oh, he just texted. Something extremely sweet.  <3

Two months are going to be not the hardest.

the most struggling months ever.

I'll be honest, I haven't cried yet. But I can already feel all of it, and it's all happening but the tears.

I'll definitely need this blog in the next 2 months as my outlet, for whatever I'm feeling regarding him. Now, to be perfectly mature and realistic, I hope he has a safe flight, and that he'll land safely, and that me and him will keep in as much contact as possible, enough to satisfy both of us.

Today has been an awkward sort of a day. I went to college, attended the last lecture of the academic year of 1st Year MBBS. I actually paid attention, thinking it was the last time this year that I could. Now, when the summer vacations end in September, after Eid, send ups will begin, which will be a prelude to the ever horrifying, gut wrenching

PROFESSIONALS.

D:

Which will be in October. But I'm glad that the course is over, I've learned everything, and now all that's left is the actual studying and learning and memorizing. I'll start with all of that in mid July. For now, I want two weeks of nothing but pure entertaining sources. Haha.

Then, we all went to the hostel to pick up some last minute things. The twins came with us, and we spent a good hour just sitting on beds joined together and talking about all random things. We laughed, and I finally got to see R's hair! :D (one of the twins wears a scarf) it was sad, saying goodbye. None of us cried though. I guess you can expect that from medical students :P

Now, HP 1 is on HBO, and since I'm absolutely, totally free (I love saying that. I'm going to say it fifty times every day) I'm going to go watch it. And then, I'll watch Castle. And then, just enjoy the rest of my evening. 

:)

And the vacations begin!

Vacation from myself.

YESTERDAY WAS AWESOME.

For the most part.

So, yesterday was S's birthday. It was also a Physiology test, which I had prepared nothing for. And I literally mean nothing. Like, I didn't even open Guyton and Hall.

I didn't even know the chapter's names. I swear.

I didn't even know how many chapters they were.

I was, in every way, clueless.

So I didn't give the test. Hey, I've topped before, and passed a lot of tests, so I can afford to skip one...

or a few.

I'm planning on not giving the Tuesday Biochem test either. Because after this blog post  already have many things planned to do. Like, shower. And then go with my sister to the tailor's. And today is also my little sister's birthday so we'll probably all go out to eat today.

And I really am not feeling well. I haven't since last night. So yay! I might not give the test :P In this case, however, I do know what the chapters are, and I have opened the book. So for me, that's like a quarter of the thing done. Right?

So, I got to college at around 10:30am that day, after the first class and the test. It actually felt like I went to University, because Uni timings always vary according to the person's classes and courses. Whereas here, in med school, it's still the same old school structure: 7:30am to 1:30pm. So I got there, and I met up with Sarah first thing, she was walking towards me in the lobby of our college, and I gave her a huge birthday hug. She told me she didn't feel like it was her birthday, and secretly I was thinking ''well, I hope it does before the day is over.'' Everyone just got out after giving their Physio test,and so me and S went to the lecture theatre to attend one class, Biochemistry. That was honestly the longest lecture of my life. One hour=60 minutes=felt like 3 hours. Maybe because there was so much waiting for me after that lecture. Lol.

S's surprise party! Me and R decided on an ice cream cake, since it was summer, and cakes were going to be heavy to eat. We were basically dragging S around everywhere since we couldn't find the twins (they had the cake).

By the way, did I mention how HOT Lahore is nowadays?! It is insane. Absolutely crazy. I left my house with perfectly straightened, whip-around-able hair, and the humidity raped it. I got to college with the most frizz ever. I hated it. I had to straighten it again in the hostel. But I'm fast forwarding, let me go back to where we were.

Oh, right the cake. We finally took S to one of the demo rooms for dissection, and we brought the cake. It was coffee ice cream cake. It was honestly amazing, I loved it. I would've eaten more had we not planned to go somewhere else after this. S...loved it more than we expected. She was extremely happy and kept on asking who the credit should go to for bringing the cake. Later on, in CTC, we found out why.

Then, H came and picked me up from hostel. All my friends came to see him at the front gate. We went in his white car, first to the Ufone centre to get ownership changed, and then to McDonald's to just sit and talk. We ordered McNuggets and Coke, and a chocolate milkshake for him. It was...pleasant.  The heat killed a lot of things, in the sense that both me and him were sweating like mad, his car did not have an air conditioner, it was like an oven in there, I swear. :/ But once we got to McDonald's, he was like ''Let's first go to the bathrooms, and freshen up.'' Haha, I swear, if there's one thing I can say off the top of my mind, that I like about him, it's the fact that he is a bit metro. He loves cleanliness, and hates sweating and dirty things, and showers all the time. None of that ''I'm a man,this is a man smell'' sort of thing. Haha.

Anyways, we sat down and talked. It was a blessing to be in the air conditioning. And we talked about his work and his dad, and about my MBBS. It got me wondering about lots of things. We plan on getting married. But...we both are going to have extremely hectic jobs. I'll be a doctor, working long hours, sometimes into the night. And he'll probably be too. When I asked how we'll make a marriage work, he said ''well, atleast we'll sleep together, at night.'' I'm sure he was just trying to make the situation pleasant, but I was honestly, thoroughly confused. And starting to get sadder by the minute.

I'll put this in the next blog post, let me focus on the good part of yesterday, and the reason for the caption of this post. :)

His father called him, unexpectedly, and so our meeting was cut short. He dropped me back off to the hostel, where I got ready for the plan out with my friends. I didn't plan on putting on any make up, only thought of straightening my hair again, but I saw everybody else decking themselves out, so I decided to go a little crazy too. Lol. We all piled in the twin's car. 

Now the best part:

They had a driver.

:O

Sweet!

Now we could go anywhere we wanted without feeling guilty! At first we thought that the twins' dad was coming with them, that would limit a lot of things, and also mean that we could only go to one place. Because we wouldn't want to make Uncle feel like he was a driver. But now we really had a driver! :D This was getting good.

We went to Hardee's MM Alam first. There were 8 of us, us 7 plus Z's sister who came from Bahrain. They all ordered Super Stars, while I ordered Famous Star and Z ordered a Mushroom and Swiss. Let me just tell you, it was fantastic. I love my meat, mutton or beef, in burger form. And if anyone ever goes to Hardee's, it's famous only for it's charbroiled, so definitely try that. You can get chicken burgers from McD's and KFC, they taste the same everywhere don't waste your money at Hardee's on plain, old, ordinary chicken.

We enjoyed a good hour over there, talking, laughing. 

Taking loads of pictures in their nicely lit bathroom.

Lol.

I hate the teenage craze of taking pictures in bathrooms, but I'll go along with it.  :P

After that, we went to Xinhua Mall, to do some shopping. 

Actually, more like window shopping. I'm not afraid to confess to the fact that I am as broke as hell, and the stuff on MM Alam in Lahore is DAMN expensive. It is so expensive that even if I wasn't broke, I still wouldn't buy anything. Everything is so overpriced. :S when you're with friends though, window shopping is a must. It's cool. It's fun. I liked it :D

We tried things out, made fun of other things. If you're a girl, DO NOT go to Fifth Avenue. They have very...excuse my language...slutty stuff. :/ Very short and nothing that could even be said as ''wearable''. I left that store after five minutes. I loved Crossroads, and Yellow, and Outfitters. 

After that, we went to the most awaited part: dessert. S was paying :D Don't you just love it when a friend is paying for something? We went to Coffee Tea and Company, opposite the mall, and had Cake Alaska. Though I will always prefer the traditional, authentic, classic Cake Alaska from Copper Kettle, I have to admit, theirs was pretty impressive. It looked like a huge slice of chocolate cake, with vanilla inside it. Which was actually the ice cream. We bought two, because we were already so stuffed with Hardee's, and we knew that two would be enough for 8 people. We were right. We just barely finished both of them, and the one that I was sharing still had a little bit left in it. I wish I could have that now, lol.

It was 8pm by this time :S and I told my mom that I would be home by 7. I was so confused about how I was going to get home. Thankfully, A was there to save the day. Her cousin, who lives in Model Town, was coming to pick her up. Since Johar Town is the next town over, I asked (read: begged, pleaded in every way) her to ask her cousin if he would drop me off. He said yes! Yay. :D It was fun to ride back home with her. I heard this awesome song in the car.

It was very dancey, and very nice, and I downloaded it once I got home. I believe in the all-too-known saying of ''I listen to whatever I feel like''. Because if I was sitting at home and I heard Mr. Saxobeat, I probably wouldn't have liked it so much. I heard it with a good friend, in an air conditioned car, after an absolutely awesome day out with my friends. So the song was purely amazing to me. :) Give it a listen, when you're in a party mood. It's a dance track.

Yesterday was honestly a vacation from myself. I've been surrounded by so many bad things in recent days, the robbery, the financial problems, my parents, MBBS. I needed this day off. I needed to go out and forget who I am, forget what I was living for, and just let go. And I did. I laughed, and we talked about random things, and I ate everything I wanted to. And came back home tired and had a great sleep. I felt so weak when I woke in the afternoon today, but remembering the day before made me happy.

:)

That was my inland vacation. Lol. I didn't leave the country, but it sure felt like I did.

Nine Inch Nail.

Now that the worst is over and I know that me and my family have been saved...

I miss my phone like hell.

Currently, I am using A's old phone. Hostel friend. So, A has this AWESOME Nokia Xpress Music...I forgot the model number. But it's awesome. And she has two extra phones too, for fun. She brought the Nokia 6131 (the one that I have now) to college a few times, and I was like ''You have an extra phone?'' and she said ''Yeah, this was my first ever phone. I've gotten it fixed twice, it's my baby.''

Who knew it would have to be MY baby one day.

My forced, adopted baby.

I'm so glad a friend of mine had an extra phone. I don't know what I would do without a cellphone.

But you know, it's not just the whole cellphone bit. Like, the calling and texting, that I care about.

I actually miss my PHONE phone.

The 5 alarms I could put on at once. The memos I could save for later. The 300 songs. The camera. The pictures. The touch screen.

I've gone into this weird depression mode,which can only be fixed by getting my touch screen back. Or atleast my own phone back. A good phone. 

Having V's phone just intensifies my broodiness. 

Because it's not MY phone. There are contacts in there I've never heard of, and I can't personalize anything. :(

I don't like her phone. Nokia 6131. Flip. Weird phone. 

I guess once you've had a taste for the best, you can't settle for us.
I sound ungrateful now. Thank you V, and especially Allah, for giving me another phone immediately after the robbery. I AM GRATEFUL.

The robbery still hasn't left our minds. We don't actually think about it 24/7, but it's already psychologically affected us. Dad hasn't gone to work since, and everytime he opens the door he goes all ninja and checks the door 5 times before AND after closing. I have a Physiology test on Saturday, of fifteen chapters. I ain't studying for it at all. People are saying I should give the test anyway, but I'm not so sure. I don't want to fail, which is absolutely inevitable. 

So, I'm still in two minds about that.

But then there's the Biochem test on Tuesday, of two chapters. I have plenty of time to prepare for that, 4 days. So I'll start tomorrow, and definitely give that. And then I'm free!

But free to do what? Nothing. Just sleep all day and go online and watch Castle. But trust me, I'm already looking forward to all of that.

What I'm not looking forward to is H leaving for the States.

Even though I know he has to go, I really really wish he wouldn't.

This is what I got out of a personality quiz. I think it's eerily accurate:

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

I found this even MORE accurate :/

1. You are a very serious person. You tend to be quiet and well behaved, and you don't have a great deal of self-confidence. You prefer to be alone rather than with friends and that could make you a little less interesting to certain types of guys. You are very attractive in an individual kind of way, and this means it can take people a little while to get to like you.
2. You really care about other people's feelings and are quite serious about the issues that affect your life. You are sincere, and your concern for the well-being of others makes many people want to be your friend.
3. You are a bright, cheerful and bubbly person. You are thoughtful and considerate, and like to have fun. Everybody feels comfortable around you because of your pleasant nature. When you walk into a room, people's eyes are likely to be drawn to you because of your charm.
4. Your peers think of you as a fun person, but sometimes you can be a little irresponsible. You can be somewhat childish, and can try to ignore the fact that you will one day need to really grow up and be a mature adult! Perhaps you could start reading good books; they might help you look at the world in a different light. You do want to be taken seriously, right?

Your boyfriend thinks that you are a real doll but this is not a totally positive thing. Sometimes you can be a bit too sweet, and come across as being helpless. If you're like this too frequently, your boyfriend and other people are likely to get tired of you having to rely on them all the time.

Now I'm tired, and I don't feel like doing anything. So I'll just wait for H's phone call. I hop everybody is not as bungled up as I am. I'm a lost cow.

Gawachi gaun.

Funny. 

Domino Effect.

I really do not know anymore where things are heading with my life, and if I have a say in it at all.

You know how people have a stroke of good luck? It's like, I'm having a constant stroke of bad luck. One bad things after another.

First, my parent's fight (which was still ongoing)

Then, money problems.

Then,my friend's death.

Then, my cousin's cancer.

Enough of a load, no?

Absolutely crazy.

And through all of this, I'm keeping my head held high, I'm being strong, I didn't cry...much. Lol. 

Today had scared me beyond imagination.

I didn't go to college today, as I only had one class to attend, and it didn't seem important enough. Histology classes won't happen anymore, since the course is over. So it'll only be Biochem and Dissection and tests. Besides, my sister needed me to go with her to the Board because they made a mistake on her roll number slip. The morning started innocently enough. I woke at 9, was ready by 9:30, and me and my sister went to the University. After about an hour and a half of waiting and people telling us to go to different departments, we finally found the right one. The guy there tried to trick us into giving him money by saying there would be a fee for correcting the mistake on my sister's roll number slip. 1100 rupees.

Are they serious?

50 rupees, I'll get. 100 even. My sister didn't even pay that much for registration to give her papers! What was this guy playing at?! So my sister, fuming, called her friend who also came a few days before. The guy got all scared, thinking we were calling an official, so he started writing out an application, and told us to go to four different people to get it signed. Then he asked us to wait. We waited for about 15 minutes, and he came back with my sister's new roll number slip. HA!

That guy was trying to pocket some extra cash, and thought we were dumb enough to fall for it. Idiot. Me and my sister were recounting the story and laughing over and over again on the way home in the rickshaw. We were going to tell our Mom about it, because we knew she'd laugh. 

So the rickshaw stops in front of our house, and the main door is slightly ajar. I thought maybe my dad went out to get something or talk to someone. Me and my sister go in the garage, and knock on the main door. And nobody's answering. I'm still not concerned, at this point. And it's quiet, I can;t hear my mom calling someone to open the door. As I'm thinking that, the door opens.

And there's nobody there.

It's just opening. I walk in slowly, thoroughly confused, when a man comes out from behind the door, wearing a mask. 

Can you guess what happened? I was so disoriented I STILL didn't get it. He just kept saying ''Idhar aao beta (come here daughter) and I saw that my mom's light was on. I went in her room, and saw that there was a mess, blankets and clothes everywhere, and I saw a piece of broken wood, before I saw my dad.

He was on the floor, tied up.With his head towards the window, not looking at any of us.

Oh my God. I was being robbed. I saw my mom on the bed, and she motioned for me and my sister to quietly come sit down with her. Before we did, one of the robbers asked for our phones. I gave it. I actually don't remember handing it over, I was in such a dazed state. How, where, when? Next to my mom was my youngest sister, and my brother was at academy. I was thanking God for him not being at home. Young teenage boys do the craziest things when being robbed. Like fight back. That's what Hassaan did. And he was killed. I was so worried about my dad. He wasn't speaking. He had his head down. I thought he was unconscious. I felt so scared.

There were about 3 of them. Or I think 4. I only remember seeing 3. Then, the one who took our phones said ''You're like our sisters, we just want you to sit down, and cover your heads with your dupatta. This will all be over soon, we've taken what we could, though there really wasn't much of it.'' So then they searched for about 5 more minutes while I tried to gesture to my mom, asking what happened. She replied each time with ''Be quiet, and just read Durud Shareef under your breath.'' I looked around the room, and saw that the piece of broken wood was from my mother's shelf. They broke it, on purpose, because they couldn't find her gold (it was at the jeweller's). They talked amongst themselves, and then a while later, the one who took my phone (at this point he seems like the leader, I know) said ''We're shutting your door. You're not allowed to come out, no matter what.'' And my mom said ''Leave it a little bit open, I'll feel suffocated, I'm diabetic'' and another burglar, a large one, started yelling at my mom (I could not understand what he was saying, his Punjabi was way too fast, I can't even understand normal Punjabi) and she retreated, but they opened the door just a crack.

Then all went silent.

We didn't know if they left or not. We were worried they were hiding, ready to kill us if we left the room. We whispered to each other for about 10 minutes (which seemed like an hour) and then my mom got up to go the living room to check. They were gone.

Instantly, we all ran out to see if it was true, and it was. My sisters went to go untie my dad and his friend,and I was helping my mom. We were shocked out of our wits.

The police were called, my neighbours were informed, Dad's family was coming over. For the next three hours, we served people, and told the story over and over again. The burglars were smart enough to open doors and closets with cloth, so they wouldn't leave fingerprints behind. So when the police dusted for prints, there weren't any. And besides, I don't trust the police here. If they ever do end up finding the stuff they stole, the police would probably keep it to themselves. Yep, that's how much we trust our goverment. Lol.

Now, the house is still a semi mess, because none of us are in a mood to fix it all up. They took my dad's laptop, and my mom's diamond jewelry :( she was really sad about that. Surprisingly, however, they didn't take MY laptop. :/ You have to understand that these burglars were like trolls. They barely knew anything, they only knew about cash, gold, and cell phones. My dad's laptop was open so they saw that it was a gadget However, they didn't see my laptop as a gadget. Probably because it's a mini Hp. They maybe thought it was a toy. Boy, was  glad when I found out it was still upstairs,on my vanity table. :D

Every dark cloud has a silver lining right?

Mom and Dad aren't fighting anymore. They're speaking to each other again.

Enough said ^_^

Backlog.

So I have a lot of things to tell, and some are not good. Maybe because I didn't have my laptop, but I can honestly say that these three weeks have been the toughest so far this year. It was really hard to look at positive things, because I was completely surrounded by saddening or hurtful or tension-giving (is that a word?) things.

Also, I realized a few things. For awhile now, I have been doubting the privacy of this blog. A few times, I wondered even whether to delete this and start all over again. But that would be a hassle and it would take a long time to build up, so I decided on something. Even though I cannot go back to every blog post and change my name and my friend's names now (to letters or other non-real names, lol), I will from this blog post forward,conceal everyone else's names. Maybe eve names I've used in the past. It's starting to worry me, the amount of...openness I have on this blog. I have other friends who blog, and they don't reveal their identities at all, and then it makes me think that maybe I'm doing something wrong. I just hope nothing backfires on me now. 

I gave my laptop on June 1st, and I missed it so. But without it, without the internet, I had so much time on my hands, and the truth is, if you step away from the PC and tear your eyes off your cellphone, and look around, there really is so much to see. When you're lost in the world of gadgets, you can't appreciate anything, especially the people you're around. I have lessened texting to a huge extent, but I remember a few years back, when the phone would not be out of my hands. And now when I'm talking to somebody, and they're talking to me AND texting at the same time, I get extremely annoyed and irritated, and then I think...''but this was was me a few years ago. Is that how people saw me? As annoying and irritating?'' So, I'm glad I'm over with the texting phase. :)

Remember that blackboard picture I put up a few posts back, that had my schedule on it? Well, those weeks came. And WOW, they were stressful. Knowing that I had upto two tests per day, and very limited amount of time to study for them, it was extremely hectic. The laptop being gone was a blessing, honestly. Otherwise I would've been online the whole time, or atleast have been attracted to it.

But I got through it.

:D

I did it, it's over with! And as far as the results have come, I've passed Biochemistry and Embryology, which are both a huge relief. Only a few more results to come out now. 

Okay, I'm talking about studies again. And I said that this would be a non-study-related post :/ sorry.

June 9th was a tragedy. And always will be for me. A friend of mine from school, Hassaan Abdul Latif was shot and murdered in his home by burglars.

The story is here:

A Level student murdered in robbery. 

It was out of the blue, and left me in more than just shock. In fear, of death and Allah, In worry for his family. In horror for how he died. He was shot in the head, and died on the way to the hospital. Because it was a murder, they held him in postmortem in the hospital for two days.

I know now what people mean when they say that we just don't get it.

Because we hear about bomb blasts every other day, or jihad killings, or air base blowups and whatnot, and we can see the death count on our TV screens, we know people have been killed, many more injured. But since this is now only a world of war, our mind has become rationalized to it. It's normal, it's everyday. The first few times we hear it, we're near tears. And the last few times, just a casual glance towards the TV before we start to worrya bout our own pressing matters, like tests, and family, and money problems. 

What about all the families of the deceased in those bombings? How must they be feeling? They know that the civilians, we, the normal people, don't care. For us, it's just another news broadcasting. And there they are, sceaming and crying and wondering why their family member had to go so early.

We never get it. We never feel what they're going through. Until it happens to us.

Until our family member or friend is murdered. Until someone we know is a victim.

And then, we want the world stopped. We want justice. We want those killers to be hanged and we want our deceased's blood avenged.

Hassaas was two years younger than me, 18 years old. He resisted when the burglars asked for all their money and jewelry. In just that instant, one of the burglars (there were five) shot him.

I wasn't close to him. I knew him, and he knew me. He used to call me ''baaji''. And we got along fairly well. But his death shook me to the core. Especially since I am already so unstable about death. And so terrified of it.

I felt what other victim's families felt. I went the next day to college, and saw people acting normal, and I thought ''don't they get it? He was murdered. He was just a kid.'' But they couldn't get it, because they didn't know. I wanted the world to know that everything was going wrong on my side. I didn't actually need to tell anybody though. I am a naturally talkative person, and very happy too. I smile and laugh alot. But for the few days Hassaan was in postmortem and then buried, I stayed quiet. Unnaturally. And not on purpose.

I kinda just needed to. Just to think about things. And it felt wrong to be happy if his family wasn't. And since Hassaan was dead.

They buried him two days later. Two days that seemed two weeks later, because of the amount of thinking I had done. The amount of random thoughts I had of him was enough to fill a month. I tried to remember every little conversation I had with him, every funny thing he said, every time I had seen him. Just so I could gather that up, because I knew I would never see that again. 

The burial was what got to me. I didn't cry once since I found out he had passed. But the night of his burial, when it was going to be his first night in the grave, it rained. Heavily. And out of nowhere, I began to cry, thinking of him alone, in the mud, in rain, his first night for the rest of his time in this world. My mom always told me that the first night of the grave is the toughest night, for everybody. And it broke my heart to know he was going through that, while I was still alive.

Everything is much calmer now. It's been 10 days since his death, and his killers are in jail. A trial will be held. This will be fair. All of us friends will see to it. We miss him, and we hope that Allah forgives all of his sins, lessens his punishment in the grave, and grants him a place in Paradise (Ameen). Because even though he was young and maybe a sinner, in the end he was a Muslim. I know for a fact he was a staunch believer in Islam. I hope Allah grants him for that. And it would mean a lot to me, and to him as well of course, if you can remember him in your prayers. 18 s too young an age to die. But as the saying goes, ''the good die young.''

My 20-year old cousin, my age mate, who I'll refer to as K, has just recently been diagnosed with cancer. Ewing's sarcoma. It is an extremely touchy topic in the family, and once again I've been plunged into shock. It is a cousin who I'm close with, who knows my secrets. And then, we randomly find out that after a slight fall she had at college, her leg starts swelling, and she doesn't even get the chance to go back home. She goes to the hospital for tests, the last one being a biopsy. All the tests come back clear, except the biopsy. It reveals that she has stage 4 cancer. She was discharged yesterday from the hospital, after undergoing her first chemo. She's in a fit state, very hopeful that the chemo will work, and she'll be cured in the end. 

She doesn't know. The doctor has given her only a year to live.

I haven't thought about it deeply. I've deliberately left it outside my boundaries, because I know once I let it in, I will cry and be emotional, and nothing else in the world will matter to me. I've visited her twice already, and she's lost 6kg, and she's weak, and she has cancer. We don't want to tell her what the doctor said because then she'll lose all hope to live at all. But I feel so strange knowing the truth, and seeing her so happy. 

I don't want to talk about it anymore than I have to. Like I said, I'm trying to contain all this inside me as much as I can. It's kind of a self defense mechanism. I've been through hell by Hassaan's death, and family problems, and money problems, and tests, that I don't have it in me to face yet another thing. I love K very much and you cannot imagine, nor can anyone else (except my family) how I feel. It feels like..I want to do something, something out of the reach, something that I KNOW will work...but nothing can. Because ths is the last stage of any cancer. And now it's in Allah's hands.

If there's one thing I can proudly say about myself, it's that no matter what has happened in my family, or in my life, I have never complained that Allah was the cause of it all. And that He was the problem, or He was to blame. I've meekly accepted everything, knowing that Allah does not hate us. He sends us these things as tests themselves. If you think about it, if we were not faced by adversity, we wouldn't be self made. We wouldn't be human. I've always had hope that in the end, if all worldly measures fail, we have prayer. And we have Allah. And that's all you need in the end.

Because no matter how many relationships you make in this world, friends, husbands, wives, children, they'll all go away. From the day you're born, your story is with Allah and Him alone. When all else seems hopeless, He is hope. And I am blessed Alhamdulillah, to think this way and to not stray away from the fact that He is always there and always ready to help and forgive.

It's getting late, and I don't feel like writing it anymore. But these two things were the major things I wanted to talk about. Other things are the usual:

• H's leaving in 10 days. The song ''JetLag'' by Simple Plan completely sums up how I'll feel while he's gone. I'll miss him very much.
• Family and money problems. No details.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. :)

See the wind blow.

I know.

Long time. :P

but my laptop crashed! :( It was going slow for ages, until finally it just slowed won to the extent where it was not workable at all. And I hate slow computers. Everyone of the new generation does. We're all just so impatient. We need to get a grip, haha.

Okay, so honestly, I have a truckload...no...planeload of things to write about. About good and bad things. But  just came back from giving my last stage of first year, which was thorax *insert victory dance here* and I am drained. I haven't even gone upstairs to my room yet, I've stayed downstairs, had watermelon,and then grabbed the laptop. I don't have much to study today, and even if I did, I wouldn't. Because this stage was the last official test for me (I do have three more tests coming up, Physiology, Biochem, and Embryology, but I could NOT care less -.-)

So, the stage today. It went the weirdest out of all three stages. In the first two, I had proper control. And I wrote the maximum that I wanted to write in each question. This stage was only 50 marks, and they cut the time to less than half for a normal stage. So instead of 3 hours, we had an hour and 15 minutes. O_O Since I began the paper, I speeded across the page, and I literally maintained that speed until the end...

and I STILL did not do as well as I hoped. Wanted. Could.

A part of me wants to run back to the office where the papers are and complete the last diagram I was drawing. And also the ends of a few questions. 

I know I'll pass, for sure. Failure is not an option for me *puffs chest out* lol.

But...I kinda wanted to be on the 'top' level again, you know? Like when I got 3rd position for the upper limb stage.

It felt nice to get the congratulations, but it felt even nicer inside knowing that I was capable enough to do it, to score high marks.

So, I'm sure I won't top this time. I hope I get above 120/200 though. :)

My stage viva is on Thursday, and I'll prep for that a day before. So I have two relatively free days. Yay! Now I can watch Castle! (I <3 that show, oh my God).

I'll probably come back online tonight and talk about more stuff.

Not-related-to-study stuff.

But for now, I'm going to hit the sack. I just wanted to write a short but sweet blog post to announce that

I am back again! :D

Hug me everybody.