Thank You India.

Alright.
Let's declutter.
Let's blow the dust off this blog.
I confess, I've been avoiding this blog. I just couldn't organize my thoughts/feelings and process them in a way that they would make enough sense to be read. But I'm going to give it another try.
I thought turning 20/21 would automatically get you a ticket into the world of adulthood. People will look at you differently, have a newfound respect for you, give you authority...and for me, it was all that. I was allowed more things, let off of more things, all because I kept my head down and my grades good and 80% of my life was about med school. As years went by, and I delved deeper into my 20s, I realized...I didn't deserve it. Nobody can say that once you turn 20, you're an adult right there and then. To be an adult, it has to be earned. Your 20 is different from someone else's 20. At your 20 you may have had both parents, who paid your tuition, a loving home, and full on stability, whereas in some other corner of the world, someone else's 20 is one parent, no schooling because they cannot afford tuition, and they instead work all day and all night for measly wages. Are these the same 20?

I am now a firm believer in "Age is only a number". It's sad that mental and emotional capacities, as well as strength, cannot be reflected in our faces and our ages.

I was not an adult before this. I was not an adult before July 2015. Before my family left for the States. Before I didn't have a home. Before my sister was a mother. I was, in essence, a spoiled older kid. And now all this instability and life events are like fireworks in my face. I'm living out of bags? I have a niece? Everyone gives me comfort by saying Oh, but it's only a few months. Then you'll be joining the States with your family. Okay, that's all true. But let me see this adult thing through first. Damn, I'm 24. Going to be 25 in a few days.
When we were younger, all we thought was We can't wait to be adults, when our lives will be sorted out and there will certainty in everything.
There is no certainty. We are still as confused as we were before. Which now leads me to believe that we will be just as confused till our end. Which is okay, but it takes time to accept. The good thing is, everybody is doing this with us.

Life feels more and more like a test and a game each day.
This is what is going on in one part of my mind. More later.

Lonesome.

When you change and become a different person, it is best felt all at once, on a hot day. You don't feel it when it's happening slowly, just one day it hits you, like. Shit, this is me. Or shit, this is my habit. I've started having this horrible habit of keeping to myself in my room alot. I've become addicted to torrents and shows and watch everything I can get my hands on. My happiness is coming home to see all my torrents have been downloaded, and that I have something to watch with my food.
Another horrible habit. Eating with the laptop. In my room. Literally pile up food and drinks on a tray and take it upstairs. How truly horrible and selfish of me.

I think this all happened as soon as my sister got married. The room just seemed too big and too empty, and so did my heart. I tried to fill it up with as much as I could. She still lives in the same city, but I can't talk to her as much. We had this completely indescribable bond that had no name and no explanation. It was just there, and I loved it and didn't realize it until the side of her bed was empty every night. Now I call her and she can come once a week, and on the other days, she is busy with work and the maid and of course, the husband. She is the same person but a different erson. All people who have married siblings understand how I feel.

I need to kick this selfish habit. I need to sit downstairs more. With my family.

So many things have moved into motion these past few months. My parents can finally go to the United States, and my dad left just two days ago. When his flight was booked, I felt nothing. When he was packing, I felt nothing. I started to worry; am I numb? This has happened before too. I went on this great trip with my friends across the country, and for the first half of it, I felt nothing. And it worried me and gave me anxiety. But the day of the flight, I was filled with emotion and unreal-ness. Like, omG Dad is going back after 12 years. And to stay. I thought I was doomed to live in this country forever (sorry Pakistan; still love you though) Mom and little sister are up next. And I will be there soon enough, as soon as med school ends. I'm in a strange place where I want final year to ened as well as slow down so that I can enjoy my last year of freedom. After this it'll all be USMLE and prep and AMERICA. Oh sweet sweet America.

I just had melted ice cream that froze back and it was nasty. My tummy feels really weird now.
Tomorrow is OT day. Spending two hours in the operation theatre. Everytime my rotation shifts I find myself liking what I'm doing. I sort of liked Medicie; I liked Cardiology the most from it. And I really like Surgery. I thought the blood and organs would creep me out but now. It's very interesting. So what will I decide? I guess it's not that big of an issue right now.

Bye now.

Androon.

There's always one time of the year where my mind goes into a different state. A static state. I don't want to label it as depression, because I don't think it is, and it can't really be sadness, because there is nothing to be sad about. It's just dull. Everything is dull. Right now is that time of the year.

My teenage rebellious phase is back again. I just want to be freeeee and do what I want. Mom and Dad hounding me about marriage, and me refusing to accept it. If anything, I want to marry H for the companionship. How do you throw six years away? How do you justify not getting married when you've been in something with civility and decency?

 I'm 24, and when I'm alone and I remember that number, my heart skips a beat. 24? What? Meaning six years away from 30? This is all too quick and unreal. I don't want this. I want to travel.

Which brings me to my next topic: I am obsessed with learning Lahore's roads and areas. I want this map to be known like the back of my hand. I already know alot, deliberately learning and relearning all my journeys. I love this city, and living here for 13 years I want to completely know it. The names. Krishnagar. Mughalpura. Harbanspura. Ramgarh. Shah Alami. Rang Mehal. The architecture. Have you seen NCA, GPO? Government College, Lahore Museum? How do you people, with your rickshaws and your paan-spitting ways, pass by these streets and not see or feel the history soaked in them? Everytime I pass this area I'm in 1960 or less. And I want to be. I am in such a different state of mind that no friend or family with me at that moment, can understand. The same with Lahore Fort. Emperors walked here. Courts were held. Wars fought. Elephants. Power, majesty, history. Too much we know, none of which we have seen, Their existence needs our voices and our spirit.

Maelstrom.

There's something about German words. Blitzkrieg. I read that for the first time in 8th grade, in an Oxford History book. It means "lightning war". They called the World War II that. They're annoying and loud to hear, but nice to read.

We are currently living in the Stone Age here in Pakistan. No light, no gas, and if you wait long enough, no water. Those days I curl up in my bed, with my half charged laptop and watch reruns of Keeping up with the Kardashians. Guilty pleasure, that I've told everyone about, and am not ashamed of. The trick is to be so open and unabashed about it, that nobody can bother you or tease you. And so they don't :)
FINAL YEAR MBBS. Where do I start, where do I end. It hit me on the face the very first day. FOUR hours of wards?! So hard. And then the teachers breathing down your neck and telling you off for not knowing anything. Now we know where all the teachers were when we were in 3rd and 4th year. They were busy with final year. So I am not happy that things had to get serious so quick. And serious in a way, where I can't see myself bunking, and that. really. hurts. That's what hurts most of all. I need my escape window. To leave the college when it all feels like too much, and knowing that I can get away with it.
Kt is married, and now its just me and my little sister. The family dynamic has changed; I'm closer to lil sis in so many new ways. We talk more. She sleeps on Kt's side of the bed.

Need to go pick out my clothes for tomorrow, and then sleep. I want to write more but the looming need to pick out clothes is killing me. Bye!