In Loving Memory.

With my sister getting married and leaving, friends are coming over almost every day. A just left. I realized as soon as she left, that

1. She said she would find me a torrent for the movie Diana since yify doesn't have one, and other torrents require me to download tons of shit before actually giving me the torrent.

2. We always document our visits with selfies. Took none. And we walked in the fog too. I wish we had a picture of that. It was so nice. Fog has its own smell.

I am sleeping to my content, and eating. And wrapped in my blanket every day, because there is no gas. All that's missing from my life is shopping, but it doesn't matter. I'm loving this anyway.

So, tomorrow is the last day of 2014. I have a bunch of resolutions in my head that I want to pen down. I will by tonight. But none of the "new year, new me" stuff. I think change in a person comes regardless of January approaching. It can catch you whenever. It has caught me in  different places of the year, this year. In the hostel. At the wedding.

That's all in my mind right now. Okay bye.

Of the fittest.

I survived.
I survived and I thought I never would. I thought I would drown, suffocate, in this month of December with the wedding and the best friend and the EVERLARGE prof. And it's all over. It's all done and I made it through. I feel like I've fought a thoroughly physical battle.
Today, I am calmer than I have been in days. I couldn't attend my sister's Walima, because I still had one more viva to give, but I stayed at the hostel. Even for written exams, I stayed here. I don't know why people get sad that I stay here. Truth be told, I like it. It's enjoyable. Even now, when I'm just sitting under a yellow light while friends are sleeping, and watching TFIOS for the first time.
Best friend was here which felt unreal and yet absolutely amazing. Sleepovers and pizza and pasta and secrets and soooo many stories in 8 years that they were spilling over each other and yet we still haven't told them all. Something about Cuabin crew, and the FBI contacting her. I don't know.

I am in such a peaceful state. Wrapped up in this fleece blanket with the heater right next to me and the room so warm.I'm really happy and calm. This happiness only comes after prof. During the holidays.
I miss Kt insanely. I can't talk about it with anyone else because I don't think they'll get it. I dislike change, and it's going to be the weirdest thing not having her in the house anymore. I used to call her for everything, show her funny things, and talk about random thoughts well into the night. Sleeping in the same bed for nearly a quarter of a decade. This is something new, and something I refuse but need to get used to. To texting and calling her instead of going in the other room. I'm thinking about her all the time. If there's anything putting a damper on my happiness, it's the thought of the empty house when I go back.
Okay I'm done. (:

Sting.

The toxic Prof season is here. It's the fourth time I'm giving these horrid exams and they never get easier. This year has been particularly hard because I've been multitasking wedding prep with prof prep. My vivas may even fall in between her wedding dates, which isvery overwhelming and I've made my peace.
I just had my dinner and Mom gave me my shaami kebab late. So I'll have it with a fork and ketchup on the side. ENT prof tomorrow, and I'm calming my brain down, like 'You've got this. Sto panicking'. Even though the MCQs are very very hard. I just practised some. Why didn't the department prepare us well for MCQs? Stupids.
I feel like. I have travelled 500km in 7 days. With Interstellar (I've always wanted to watch a movie about time relativity, and this movie was so relatable to me on so many levels that it was insane and the plot and the scenes still haven't left my head) and talks with A that have left me winded and confused as well as content. I always used to wonder how the hostelites can be able to travel intercity and settle and be able to meet each other during exams. I am such an uptight person that I barely move from my seat while studying, and my 100% focus is on the subject. Food and water and other shit are secondary. But living in the hostel and doing more than 100% focus (more like 75% focus) had such conflicting feelings in me. I mean, yeah, my preparation wasn't as good as other profs, or as it could be at home. But I felt like I could breathe, with a mixture of everything happening. Foof, friends, laughter. It was good. But now I'm home.
My best friend is coming on Monday, and I have been literally containing myself. Nothing more to say on that.
Wrapped up in a baby pink blanket, I will now finish my shaami and read the rest of Larynx and Esophagus.And probably have a bit of Sting later because I'm already starting to feel tired.

Empire.

Google Earth-ed my old NYC home. Spent the last hour going through the streets, and seeing it all- John and Joe's Pizzeria, the mosque me and K went to as kids. Many memories of that place. Where I learned how to offer namaaz for the first time. When I completed Quran for the first time. Alot of firsts. P.S 105 right opposite our apartment building, yet I was still late to school everyday. Also, I thought I dreamt that me and K would go to a library nearby. But as I searched, it was there. 0.3 miles away. New York Public Library. Hours and hours spent there. (How did Mom ever let her 10 and 9 year old walk there alone?)


I do not talk about my love affair with NY as much as I should.

Oh, say say say.

I'm learning to treasure loneliness. Alone with my laptop while the rest of the working household sleeps as early as 11pm. And I lower the brightness of my screen and cuddle up with a blanket.

Musicmusicmusic. It is all affecting me all the time. I am inclined to listen to music that stirs my soul and gives me shivers. Makes memories. Maps by Yeahyeahyeahs. Laage Re Nain. Tere Ishq Main. Please Don't Leave Quite Yet.
It's International Cat Day and my kitty is sick. Aww.

Since Ramadan I have been completely and utterly overwhelmed each day thinking about all that is waiting for me in December. The wedding. The dresses and the dances and a birthday and my best friend being here from the States. Not to forget the ever present vivas and practicals of fourth year prof. My mind has been torn and panicked at what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to juggle it all. One day I broke down just THINKING about it in its totality. Cried and cried and the tears wouldn't stop. And after that I simply placed my faith in Allah. He has got to help me through this. I refuse to worry anymore. I need to take each day and enjoy all that comes. Even if dance practices and hangouts with Mehreen means sleepless nights or barely breathing, I will do it. It's a worrying time coming up, but let me look at it in a more optimistic way: I'm going to see Mehreen after 7 years, and I'm going to be involved in so many activites (including prepping for exams) that I will never forget December 2014. A thousand plans are already lined up. Food Street in the chilly twilight atop Fort View. Al Hamra, Liberty, breakfasts, lunches. I'll be fine.
This swollen right neck lymph node is bothering the absolute crap out of me.
Proff exams in three weeks.
Dairy Milk Fruit and Nut every day is my survival, baby.

Change of seasons and of minds.

Whenever fall arrives, I feel so much better regarding everything. Because sweater weather is the best weather. Summers are just not at all inspiring. Loved how it turned chilly in one day, literally just one day. And the geysers were on the next. And fans stopped, and boots will come out.
I have been living life like a robot for too long. It feels like generally, I'm following a pattern, and I can't seem to break out of it. I rely on small things to make me happy. And I know they say that it's the little things, but not when you're living montonously. The shittiest part is, I have no idea why I'm living like this. I feel caged. I need more creativity, less medicine. Less Pathology and Eye and ENT. I need planning and designing and ideas to pop into my head, and me following through with them. I feel like I've been dead. I need to wake up.

Sister is getting married this year, and the excitement is dulled down. I wish there was more of it. Today at midnight, me and K just started dance practicing and I liked it. I liked learning steps and imagining myself wearing my ghagra choli, all done up and dancing on her wedding. Family and financial issues can really bring a person down and shut them up from inside.
After the sendups, life is going to go CRAZY. I have been feeling overwhelmed all year, in the anticipation of the fact that my prof exams will be in the middle of my sister's wedding, with my best friend of nearly 13 years coming from the States to attend. I feel like I'm going to be juggling everything. All the balls will be up in the air. I spent months worrying. Worrying so long, and deeply, that my health started to decline. Before I slept every night I worried. Dresses, event mnagement, photographers. But now. I've dropped all the worrying (which is a new thing for me) and I've put my faith in Him. I'm taking everything one step at a time, and I need to slow down.

I am such an anxious person. I talk a mile a minute and I believe a minute is a second long. My actions are fast, I'm quick to laugh and people who don't know me can barely understand what I say. I want to change this. I want to, in effect, slow down. Like take a breather and realize that there are 60 seconds, and so much can happen in a  minute. And I don't need to jump up and answer the door right away or reply instantly to that Whatsapp or fidget and bite my nails or tap my feet all. The. Time. I need to sit back and look at what's around and enjoy and soak it all in.

Planning my sister's surprise bridal shower today, I felt a happiness I hadn't felt in a long time. And screw financial issues, I am not going to be the practical one and be pessimistic and realistic and say Oh, we can't do it, it's too hard or it's a lot of work. Screw all that. This is not just for K, it's for me too. A moment where I can take a break from the monotonous pattern and let my creativity and ideas flow. Get happy with the idea of what to buy and what to plan and the food and the menu. And making sissy happy. I am not only anxious, I'm boring. I won't do something if it requires alot of work, or alot of money. And that's something else that needs to change. I need to take this "party pooper" mood and throw it out the window.

A lot of changes are going to be happening around here. Well, the effort to change atleast.

Clasp.

Ramadan is almost over and I didn't even see it go by. I was a mixture of extremes. At one side, praying and reading the Quran. And on the other, not waking up for Jummat-ul-Wida. But hey, it's my own amal.
I'm cynical and bitter for the world and really, really emotional regarding family, him, and Allah. I'll be this way for awhile.
College should start soon. I need routine again.

"It's been good knowing you."

It's been heartbreaking knowing YOU.

Us.

"We have the freedom to choose, but we don't have freedom from the consequences of our choices."

We won't survive this.
I knew it long before you told me today in your disconcerned, selfish way. Atleast I had the grace to silently bear it.

Change.

Change is the only constant. We're hearing about this from the moment we're teenagers and everyone is telling us how it's like to be an adult, but we don't really know what it means until it happens. And most of the time, you don't even know it's happening until its over.
We change our friends. Our style. The way we talk. Every relationship changes. Your mother and father were superheroes for the first 15 years of your life; infallible. And then you see the mistakes they make. And the way you can do things better. It's hard to digest at first. Mom/ Dad are wrong, but how can they be? And then later on it's simple. They're only human. And we are equal, albeit wiser than them.
Those college friends. The ones that cried with you when you broke up with your first ever serious relationship. And literally did everything that's been immortalized on the silver screen. There's a saying, however. "You're only friends with some people because you have to see them five days a week." And that was my case with college. I see them now and I don't understand how I fit, or how I ever did. They're so different than me. I'd rather not see them.
The "really" serious relationship. Going on six years. But were they lively, fulfilled six years? Or three of those and then three dead ones? Am I mistaking comfortable old-married-ness to falling in a rut? Are we over before being officially over? Don't know. But what I know is that nothing is the same. It's like walking into your room from uni and seeing that the bed, the walls, the carpet, everything is different. That small shock and stun you feel is what I'm feeling right now regarding H and this.
I'm watching too much Sex and the City I think.
You don;t understand change. And then you hate it, cry your heart over it. And then you accept it.

Brightness

This weekend was so nice. Everything felt good. Meeting new people as well as re-meeting old ones. I think this was my last big break before the whole torrent of fourth years tests begin. Already I have a Pathology spotting on Friday and a Community Medicine test on Saturday. And ENT ward starts tomorrow, in which attendance and passing the assessment matters alot. Yikes, crazy situation about to unload.
I watched X Men. It was nice, and I liked it even before I knew that it was being raved by critics and people alike. I'm not much of a comic book or an action fan. I watched Avengers two years ago, and I don't remember its story at all. More than the movie, I enjoyed the company. It was good, clean company. Much against Mum's request (in fact, with a lot of scolding) I went out to lunch with two of my FSc friends. I realized how much I enjoyed some parts of their company whereas others were plainly annoying. And how they would say things that would be considered lame in my new circle of friends. They were different, or maybe I was. I don't think I'll be meeting them again soon. They always remind me of how I was in FSc, and I cringe in embarrassment. I don't like being reminded because I was a hopeless human being, haha. Truly. I had weird concepts and ideas and I always said the strangest things. But when J (one of them) was dropping me off home, she said "You know it's you that changed right? And I miss that alot. I want to believe it's all because of medical college, but I know it's not only that. It's new friends, new you. I just miss you." I didn't know how to respond to that so I didn't.
H was mentioned too many times today. This rut is growing deeper and deeper and I want somebody to just tell me what to do. And then I want somebody else to give me the courage to do it.
Laptop is fixed and it feels like I got my breath back. It feels really good. Now I need to get my phone's mic fixed and I'll be set for life.
Tomorrow's Monday.

Continuous.

New set of questions:


5. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

Doing the right things, definitely. And sometimes, it sucks so much to do the right thing. But I'd still rather do it.


6. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?



Stay positive about whatever comes your way, no matter what. This was sort of a stupid question, though. A newborn can't hear or even properly see me. I'll leave the advice in a cute little diary and give it to him/her when they are about 6 years old.

7.Would you break the law to save a loved one?
 Alot of people would say yes, and then if it ever came down to it, they'd think twice. I'm saying, honestly, yes I would. It's your loved one, man. If they're not with you in the world, who else will you have?


 
8. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
 I look at things in a very different way, I think. I love beautiful things, and it could be anything. A building, a woman, furniture. The way a park looks, or leaves falling. I have this strange sense that if I see enough beautiful things in a day, the world is a better place. And it gives me optimism.

Nouveau stuff, maybe?

I found this, and I read the first three questions, and I like it. I'm going to do it. Maybe this will stimulate any writer's/motivational block I have. There are 22, and I'm doing the first 3 or 4 in this post. These answers are totally mine and written with proper deep thought, so do comment on what you expected and especially on what you didn't. Because I put effort into this! Haha :)

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

  This is a very contradictory question for me. I look much younger than I really am. So, for starters, I'm 23. I look around 16-18. Small face, small features, petite (not short). But my mind acts around 22-25. Younger siblings to take care of (they never start studying for exams until and unless I get their schedules made), always organized and I plan very ahead of time.But I think this question was more directed on looks rather than mind, so around 16-18. I'm cute (:

2. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

Because we don't realize it. Life doesn't feel short to anyone I know of, because I'm in my 20s and so are the people around me. But I've seen how the elderly act; careful, fragile. Very calm and quiet. They know life is short. It's in human nature to forget our own mortality. And when we are reminded of it, it is such a terrifying feeling that we instantly try to forget it again. I know I do. I am one of those people who go to sleep every night planning the next day, without thinking that I may not wake up. I wish I formed the habit of saying Bismillah everytime I woke up, but I only do it for two three days, and I forget. I'm thankful to be alive, but at the same time I'm not thinking that my time is running out. We humans are in some sort of denial, one way or the other.
So we do things we don't like because we think later on we'll have time to do the things we DO like. Andddd I didn't understand the second part of the question. Like so many things we don't do? If it means we keep on dreaming and we don't follow our dreams, it's the same reason. WE THINK WE HAVE TIME.

3. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

This is such a pageant question, waisay. Hahaha. It's not world peace, like all those pageant girls say. There are a hundred things I want to change. But if there was just ONE thing I could go to the UN meeting or the World Court for, and they would listen and implement what I say, it's building a better educational structure for all the underdeveloped countries. Everything, everything comes back to education. It's the grass root level. I once read somewhere "Maybe the cure for cancer is trapped in the mind of someone who cannot afford education." That stayed in my mind since then, and I kept on thinking "That is SO TRUE. Do world leaders not know this?" Everyone needs to be educated. It's a fundamental right.

4. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?



I think I'd just be grateful more, and wouldn't wait to follow my goals. I'd get started on multiple goals simultaneously. I'd be a more stout Muslim than I am now. Iman would be stronger, because God knows it's quite low at the moment. I'd finish my education earlier. Get married earlier, maybe. That's about it. We're humans, once again. It's in our nature to forget life is short so eventually I think I'll go back to my passive state.

Now I'm going to go watch an episode of Happy Endings season 2 and then get started on studying for a test on Wednesday. Bye :)

More to come.

Me, the emotional one, tucked my emotions under my shirt and lived my life.
Actually I feel like I'm being swayed away by life. It's just pulling me here and there and this way and that and I get all these short term moments of being happy. But not the real thing, not the long term stuff. Oh yeah, that's the stuff. Haha.
Spring vacations have begun and I didn't even notice. Why, you may ask? Because my house is now a shadi ka ghar! My sister is getting nikkah-fied! MashAllah. Everyone say MashAllah. :) Ive been out and about every day for the last week, eating out, shopping, finalizing things. Today is the first day that I'm sitting at home, and I am so bored and awazaar. I wish I was out with mom and dad and sis right now, who are finalizing a hall. But marriage! She's going to be a wife. WHOA. I get hit by that every 26-28 hours. Granted, she'll still be living at my place, and sleeping next to me on our bed, but she's legally obligated to someone else. And everything worked out so well for her. I'm happy. She's happy. Alhamdulillah :)

Frequent readers of this blog know all about H. And me and him, and our antics, and our terrible moments, and our great ones too. Those readers also know that H has not been talked about in recent days (months?) This is only because my expressions have failed. I don't know how I feel about him because I think I've stopped feeling. We've both hidden that side of us, in lieu of this big bad life. I have so much going for me and he too. We're together, but not. We're used to going a week without phone calls and not meeting, and not saying anything deep and heartfelt. It's just stopped. He stopped it first, let that be known.
You know how they say that a woman can always tell when her significant other is cheating? Yeah. Well. H is not. 
 Haha, scared you there. I know he's not. And neither am I. And we care about each other to the maximum. But. I don't want that side of him back. I just don't. Maybe with more blog posts I can explore what it is that's within me, but for now that should suffice.
I'd like him back as a friend. He didn't do anything to hurt me badly enough that I can't love or care about anyone else. But I don't think I can feel the same way about him anymore. And luckily my mind hasn't fallen into depths of vivid memories of him and me, of our dates or special things we've said and done. My mind has selectively pushed them out...for now.
Where did this strength come from? Weird.

Fourth year of med school! Horrible Community test on the 9th and a Surgical ward assessment on the 15th and the nikkah after that. April is full.

Currently reading Ice Candy Man (Cracking India) by Bapsi Sidhwa. Review on it after I'm done.
And I need some gelato from Cosa.


More to come.

The Rut Diaries.

I need someone to convince me, complete with examples and justifications, to tell me that I will be strong enough to face the upcoming shitty phase of my life. It's disconcerting, watching the storm coming.

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Memories that will always stay alive because neither of us will let the other forget.

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I seek desperately for the imposition of order in my life.

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I'm so afraid of the lurches in our heart that will happen, of the blinding flashes of memory when I hear that song, see a place, or a photograph. I'm so afraid of bearing and tolerating and struggling and pushing through the initial stage of absence and loneliness and loss.

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Is love stronger when it lets go or when it hold on?

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Strangely, through five whole years... I never imagined our wedding. I thought of being married to you, and dreamt about daily routines, waking you up in the morning and sending you off to work and whatnot, but never the wedding itself. The heavy jora, you next to me, sherwani and turban clad. Or maybe I have imagined it, but its so long forgotten no amidst the business of our lives and the turmoil that we are going through. Is this indicative of something?

Tests, assignments, hectic ward days. Baat pakki's getting done, cousins getting married, crazy 500km road trips. Cinnabon, Gloria Jean's, rainy weather, new clothes. So many reasons to be happy and free. And my mind is stuck. With no solution. And always wondering.

Times and Tides.

Winters came back in the form of fog in the mornings and nights and a thunderstorm with big fat drops of rain. I like it. Winters have to be enjoyed,especially here, where they only last 3-4 months.
Yesterday was a perfect example of how time is SO important for everything. Found out something huge,seeing bits and pieces of the puzzle come together,and the word that always comes to my mind in times like these is 'mosaic'. I don't know why. It just does. All things need time. People need time, careers need time,moments. Places. Feelings. Whatever. You need a solution? It's time. No matter how impatient you are or how urgent the matter seems. Events seem to unfold themselves.
Khair,that huge thing? It has oddly lifted a weight off me that I didn't even know was there. Our subconscious. Tricky clever things that slowly push things to the back until they're in shadow.
Lessons,lessons.

At the tips of your fingers.

No laptop,it fell and cracked its side. And now it most likely has a hardware problem. So mobile app for now.

I don't seem to remember dates anymore. Someone can remind me 4 times that today is the 28th and I'll still forget. What sort of carelessness is this.
At 23, I saw something which other people noticed earlier, either because they were taught it or because they're wiser than me. We as humans see what we want to see. And only rarely do we have the courage to realise AND act on it (forget diamonds,denial is a girl's best friend)  People are shit and you can laugh it off or actually start to think. Acha. So you're like THIS. *cut invisible strings* and then go forward with your existence,not looking back. There isn't time to look back yaar. Life's too short,especially in Pakistan.
Med schooool and fourth year to be precise. I feel older now,and its a new feeling outside of my home. How lucky am I not to feel my age because I barely look it. Umr chor.
I miss visiting Old Lahore. It sparked something in me. And I wish I was more involved in college activities like writing or sports.
Anyway. I just woke up from a very fulfilling nap and saw this cute orange square on my screen. Blogger. So I decided to use it. Bye.

Snowfall.

I wish to see snowfall. It's been so long. Too long, in fact.
Winters are my favourite time of the year. So I'm generally happy. 
There's just something about grey,cold mornings and walking to the bus stop with "You" playing in my ears. It's a feeling unlike any other. I've worn double socks and double sweaters for the first time ever, and it's such a warm toasty feeling Two sweaters sometimes makes me feel like I'm in a bind, though.
Fourth year of med school now really does feel like the REAL DEAL. Doctor? Really? Shiiiit. This is happening. Wards, however unimportant, should be attended for practice. Gynaecology is from Monday and that is a crucial one.

I have made these unique rules about rishta-picking:

1. When I look the guy up online, his first and last name should be spelled with a capital. 
2. He should be able to spell "bureau" and "queue". Yes, I will ask them face to face.
3. This is going to sound discriminatory. But since my Urdu is, at best tolerable, he must have good working English. I cannot stress how important this is.
4. He needs to be a complex person.

The other rules are the same old. Funny, witty, blah blah.
This doesn't mean that H is out of the picture. He's still very much there, actually. But at the moment this alter ego refuses to acknowledge the reality of the situation because it's too painful to experience. And don't go telling me to be strong. I'd like to see you do it.

This New Year, along with the other usual stuff, I've decided to let things be. I don't need to go around looking for reasons for why things happened to me. 
Faith. Is going to play a major role this year. Allah ki marzi. People walked out of my life, and didn't bother telling me why. So here I am, allowing them to go. Without torturing my brain with all the minute details.

 Letting go.

Happy belated New Year peeple :)

I want all of these! (Oh how I've missed adding photos)