Split personality and Word Vomit. It's been too long.

I feel weird.

I started up Blogger today, opened up the blogs I follow to read their recent posts, and I went from reading their entire posts and commenting, to only reading the first and last line. This is so unlike me. Am I losing tolerance?

Anyways. Major profs are the ended. Today's prof was comparatively good, I liked it better than the other profs. It's a strange feeling though, that I don't feel satisfied by these papers AT ALL. Like, it hasn't even happened once that I've left the hall and felt ''Oh wow, that was awesome, let's do it again!!'' ( Yes, people like me feel like that when we give good papers. We call them nerds. What do you call them?) It just feels like ''It's over, I can go home and sleep, I had to stay up the entire night before.''

Somebody just sent over a whole bag of nimboos. Seriously? Lemonade season is over, whoever you are.

Prof season is just a channel for weird, lost, and confused feelings. 

I didn't mention it before on this blog, but my mother fell severely ill a few weeks ago. When we took her to the hospital, we found out she had blood poisoning and the wound in her foot was infected (while writing this a part of me is thinking 'Stop telling people your life story. Why am I losing heart halfway in everything?!)

We had to get her admitted, and Dad wasn't even here, he went to attend a wedding out of the city. Thankfully, he came back in time. After switching of hospitals and surgeons and postponements, Mom had her surgery two Fridays ago. Because the infection spread to the bone in her third toe...they had to do the worst, because there was nothing else to do, they couldn't save it anymore. The second and third toes were amputated, and though it might sound like a small amputation, it kind of hit my world with like...an equally sized rock. Everything became weird. Time honestly had no meaning. Staying in the hospital for a day felt like 4 days, and one hour felt agonizing. Couple that with having to wake up every day at 5am (and who gets sleep in a hospital anyway?) I'd say life has been throwing a lot of curve balls at me at the moment and they're all hitting my head.

But I'm no one to complain. This is the perfect opportunity to be positive. She is in recovery and doing much better :) She was put in observation in the hospital, to try and control her sugar level because it's been off the charts for a month or so. 200 and above, 250 being the minimum. They changed her insulin, helped her out, and everything has been balanced. She's like a whole new person, I see her so differently now. She's like...my mother. You really don't realize who your parents are until you see them go through pain like this and then come out of it. And you also realize at that moment that nothing could replace them and that you could do,would do, should do anything for them.

The reason all this came out right now is because Mom is at the hospital right now, for her routinely check up. So she's constantly on my mind. So you're supposed to write about what you're thinking and how you feel about it. So there you go.

And prof scene became so hectic, I couldn't actually sit down on the laptop without jumping up every few seconds thinking about the massive course left to study. So my nerves was basically frayed from both ends.

Besides that, I'm really getting annoyed/frustrated/sad/disappointed at a few people. There's a difference between thinking you're absolutely everything and that everybody will listen to you, but at the same time not going overboard (and giving other people a chance to talk or to share and to let them feel important), and then you turn into that person where you actually DO go overboard, and all you see is you and your family and your stories and your anecdotes and your day and your food and your jokes and your pictures and your plans for the night, and you're the one for entertainment and apparently, nobody else matters as much as you. It's strange because this person meant a lot to me uptil recently. And I didn't expect such a rapid change, and I don't know what caused it. I'm also making excuses for said person for changing, because that's just how much that person is a friend to me. But now...I don't know. Does anybody understand what I'm even saying? About how this person is now and how he/she was before? I'm not one of those people who puts up indirect facebook statuses, because...that feels cheap, in a way. But it doesn't feel cheap writing it on here.

But for every annoying friend I have, I have another awesome friend. So life's balanced out, and I'm not going to let anybody get to me that easily. Like A says, ''Just believe that you're awesome.'' Or maybe she said ''Just believe that I'm awesome.'' Um. Well, I'll take the former, because you can't let yourself get down by one friend, one person who ignored you, one bad test. The whole point of trick is to turn your mind around and look at the sun. And there's always a sun. For a bad break up, there are amazing friends. For a horrible paper, you have the concerned and loving parents. For a lonely night, there's the internet. You're not supposed to sulk about what DIDN'T happen. It's supposed to be ''Okay, what do I do now?'' 

I wonder how the Islamiat prof is going to go. We've never even given a single test on it. Every senior's saying it's easy, but it's easy because they've already given it. Duh. 

I have a senior friend, SR. She goes in my bus, and she's super sweet. Today she dropped me off home. I loved her generosity and character, and we didn't stop talking all on the way back home. I even talked with pizza in my mouth.

Oh, that reminds me. I love Cakes and Bake's ''pizza pieces.'' 25 rupees of pure yum. I bought two today. And they have so much variety now of other things, like burgers and stuff. I'm so gonna bring a lot of money and stuff my face with food.

I'm going to go have Knorr noodles. Two packets of it. Then study until 8:30, and watch the Masterchef season finale! Kate and Michael. I know who wins. I've known for months. But watching the battle is awesome. Do I sound sadistic? O.o

Upbeat song I listen to after successfully coming back home from a prof: All About Tonight by Pixie Lott. 

It was in my head DURING the prof today as well.

I want to write so much more, I could feel the incomplete-ness inside of me. But I have a strange negative feeling that most people wouldn't even get through this post! If you do, just comment saying that you did. It would make me feel fuzzy inside. :)

Randomhyper's philosophies:

''Going back home always feels like a shorter distance than leaving it. Because it's home.''

Smash.

2 profs down, 2 more to go.

They are going...strange. Definitely not as well as FSc papers used to go, where I knew every single question, and could answer clearly and as much as I could. So far, in each paper there has been atleast one question or a part of a question, that I didn't know the answer to. So, I had to break my honesty rule: I cheated. Not in mcq's though. Just in the short questions. I wasn't getting one question today AT ALL.

I love being able to go online upstairs, even though the Wifi is downstairs. Granted, things don't load as fast, but I get to enjoy privacy. And I am spared from the thand of the drawing room, where I usually sit.

I am currently online, when I should be studying. I just don't have it in me to study continuously, and all the time. My schedules are arranged so that I get plenty of free time to eat, talk on the phone, and watch TV. Lol. I need a pressure free environment.

Along with being online, I have taken it upon today to listen to my entire playlist- which isn't much, since I only recently rebooted my computer. But I've been downloading songs for the past hour, and belting at the top of my voice with my sister to random songs. Skyscraper. Story of Us. Sparks Fly. 

Great stress reliever.

I Wanna Go is on right now, and I'm surrounded by my sisters,and I'm pleasantly sleepy and weak. Cuz I slept for 4 hours straight when I came home today. I slept so heavily, I didn't hear my alarm ring, and THAT'S a first. Insomnia cured!

I'm hungry. I think my sister said we had daal chaawal. Not my preference, but...I'll eat it. Mostly because I have no money to buy myself a shawarma. 

This post had no real meaning, I just missed my blog. And I didn't feel like prof exams was a strong enough reason to stay away.

Oh. I've also been really philosophical nowadays, like the old times. It happens, when I use my brain too much. Some of my mind's conclusions and the end result of late night contemplations:

"With age, comes wisdom. With it also comes more choices and options. And so there's a greater risk of picking the wrong choice. Sometimes the simpler things in life- like being younger- are better."

"If you're good, there's someone better. You can't spend your entire life trying to find that better person, and then competing. So forget comparing yourself with other people. Live your life, and be happy with it. Happiness counts more than ability."

 "Athiests: It's easy to believe in something, it's harder to not believe.                         Muslims: It's easy to believe in something. It's harder to keep believing it. And to hold hope and faith."

Pictures that inspire me in numerous ways.

Have an awesome, amazing, positive weekend. Seriously. Last weekend of November! Not that it's significant. But. Okay, I'll go now.

Prof Mode.

Prep is not complete.
Course is way too big. 4 sub-subjects.
Things aren't staying in my head, I keep on forgetting things.
First professional exam on Tuesday.
Not scared. Terrified.
Not of failing. Of just not getting good enough.
That is all.

(Actually, I have to study. Story of my life.)

Can we bring yesterday back around?

This is a total random post to inform everyone that I was not sacrificed on Eid, I am alive, and I am bored out of my mind and have nothing useful to tell you. Even the blog post's title is a song. A cookie if you can tell me which song.

Celebration.

Have a blessed Eid, remember the sacrifice Hazrat Ibrahim was ready to make, and most importantly, remember Allah.

Diagonal.

I feel better now.

It happens to everyone, once in awhile. Where one day, bad things just keep on happening, one after another, and it doesn't seem like it's letting up. Or slowing down, at all. So, my last post was proof of those days. I was very tempted to delete it, but I think it serves as a nice reminder that I lost my cool, but I just as easily regained it back.

The Embassy appointment thing worked out. Turns out, I didn't even need one. Lol. There's been some rule changing regarding sponsorship, so I don't need to go to the Embassy. Thank goodness.

Eid is coming up! I don't prefer this Eid much, Eid u Fitr is so much more fun. With the Eidee and all. But this Eid gets me thinking about more religious things. Like the sacrifice Hazrat Ibrahim was ready to give for Allah. Could any of us do that? In this time and age, I definitely say no. We have a cow, like we do every year, and right now it's sitting my garage. Since my neighbors have a part in it too, they were helping out with tying it with a tree in the park during the day. And my neighbor was just petting it and loving it. It all felt so strong, while I was watching that. Log kehte hain k asal wali qurbaani woh hoti hai jo paaltu jaanwar ki hai. The goat/cow you've raised lovingly, because then you feel the pain of losing him. The cow's only been here 8 hours and I'm getting emotional. Jeez.

Hajj gets me emotional too. Especially when I hear ''Allahumma Labaik'' on TV. And see them throwing the stones, and going to Arafat. All in all, it was an emotional day.

Study wise, I'm going okay. It's going. Just going. Still keeping up with Masterchef though. Old, yummy, tasty habits die hard. And then don't die at all. That made no sense, I was just trying to sound cool.

It's like a crazy 5:23a.m. I was supposed to be asleep an hour ago, but my mom woke up and we just got to talking. Moms are cool like that. Hain na? And then we both ended up laughing about crazy people. Now, she's praying Fajar and I'm blogging.

This actually made me LOL.

Tomorrow will be a day of me waking up at 2pm, studying and cleaning closets. Wuhoo. -_-

Crap.

There's just a lot of crap right now. I've only been awake 45 minutes, and shit has bombarded me.

I'm normally not a person to rant about my stress on my blog, and I'm also the one to look at the positive side, and keep hope. But when there's things just hitting you, over and over again. Ugh.

We missed our Oct. 31st appointment to go to the US Embassy to submit the forms that I have to give to petition for my parents. Actually, we didn't miss it. We couldn't afford to submit the forms. Each form is about $420. And so, after setting the appointment and pestering my dad, no use. 

So then I decided to make another appointment today and then pester my dad again. I saw Dec. 7th, was available, so I clicked it to make an appointment. Apparently, because I didn't cancel the previous appointment, I can't make a new one. And to cancel the previous one, you need an appointment password. You enter that, and click cancel. Sound simple? The appointment password was on the appoinment sheet that I had to print out.

I deleted it a few weeks ago when I thought I didn't need it anymore.

So now I have no appointment password, an appointment I need to cancel, and an appointment I need to make. And let's not forget that I do have a time limit because people will be constantly making appointments online and booking slots. There were only 6 time slots open for Dec. 7th. By the time I get everything sorted out, what if all the time slots are booked? Then I'll have to wait for the New Year!    :/

So I decided to send an email to the embassy explaining the situation, and them emailing my appointment password to me. I open my email account...and find that I can't open it. Password incorrect. And then I remembered that I set the password to expire every 72 days. Because of some idiotic hacker that kept on hacking my account. Shit. So I sent a reset password link to H's account, and proceeded to open his email. Password incorrect again. I forgot his password. And he's busy at work right now, so I can't bother him about this. 

On top of that, I've been placed the responsibility of finding my brother a place to live in the States (long story, don't feel like telling you). And shit's going down from there as well. And my dad is going to be on my head about it when he comes home.

As if I already don't have profs and studying to worry about.

There's also some internal family stuff involved which is too personal to mention, but trust me, it's throwing me off very badly.

I feel disoriented, messy, and lost. And I absolutely hate this feeling. I hate days like this when everything is going wrong, nothing is going right at all. I better make the effort, go pray to Allah, and turn this day around myself.