Overreaction.

I've been in a really weird place recently. I haven't talked to H  in 6 nights (and there's no hope of us talking anyway, so it'll be 7) and it's kinda thrown me off the track, because I'm used to telling him about my day and knowing about his. He's been in Islamabad since the 23rd, and we haven't talk since, which is strange, because he's been to Islamabad before, we've talked there before, yes I know it's winter now it'll be a bit more difficult but at the same time last year, he was in Islamabad too, and we talked. I...don't know what reason he has now for not talking. :/ And he barely gets time to text, I don't know anything about what's happening at his place, when he can be free, all I know is that he is ill with a fever and has back pain and is extremely busy.

Normally, I was just dealing with it, just trying to block out any feelings of wanting to text him, and then last night he texted saying ''Darling, I know I'm not able to text but why can't you?'' And my heart wanted to scream ''Because I don't want to set myself up for disappointment,'' but I thought that would definitely screw his mood (he's had a low boiling point for ages now) so I just wrote back a simple reply. Then today, I told myself that I would talk to him more, and get him to accept my call so we can talk for awhile and I could feel better, feel closer, because truth be told, I feel terribly distant from him. But no. I texted him thrice in the morning, no reply. Then belled him, he rejected the bell. But no text after that. Then I belled again at 8:42. Texted saying he was coming home, and I said okay text me when you get home, we'll talk. Belled yet again an hour later, and he texted ''I'm at Subway, what's going on?'' At this point, I completely lost my cool, my insides were burning with anger. I wrote back ''To be honest, it wasn't anything extremely serious. My mistake that I wanted to talk to you and then I don't get so much as one text back on your own. I'm leaving this Saturday. That was the main news. Forget the rest, it's not that important anyway. You don't have to worry about getting home and making time for me, I told you the news. So that's it.''

As usual, he hasn't replied. You know, even if he comes up with a perfectly good excuse, it just deters me so badly that he seems totally unfazed about the fact that we haven't talked properly in days. And he knows I'm leaving by the end of the week. You'd expect a guy to care. So yeah, I'm feeling very resentful at the moment.

I don't want to speak to him, and I don't know what it'll take for me to stop being angry at him,because ''sorry'' is way too old, and too used. 

I have two rays of light shining through. One, I've been skyping with my best friend Mehreen for a few days now, because it's her winter vacations and she has a lot of free time on her hands. So in place of H, I talk to her at night, and it is honestly so much fun. I've forgotten what it feels like to have a best friend, because I don't let anyone become as close to me as Mehreen is, I simply just don't want another best friend. :) We talked for literally 6 hours, from 12:30am to 6:30am last night, it was crazy. We had a dance party, watched videos, shared pictures, talked about relationships, told each other ghost stories. It was crazy, pure, wild fun. I loved it. :) I've been Skyping with her for about 4 days now, she's kinda replaced H. It's actually perfect timing, the fact that me and H can't talk at night anymore, but now me and Mehreen can. Lol. Tonight we're not gonna talk though, I'm way too tired, I went to sleep at 7:45 and woke up at 12:45, so I need my sleep.

Talking to her friend and wishing she wasn't. Lol

The second ray of light, I'm going to Hardee's tomorrow afternoon (morning for me) to meet up with a few friends of mine. I'm dying to try Hardee's out, I'm sure most of you haven't heard about it, it's a fast food chain in the United States, mostly the Southern states. They have really good food, it's not even nasty processed food like McDonald's, it's proper fulfilling food. I've had it before, but I've never dined in. Should be fun!

Today, I went to the bazaar (market) with my sister K to pick up my clothes from the tailor and do some small shopping. As it turned out, the tailor wasn't even done with sewing my clothes! I was very angry, because I was counting on wearing one of the suits that I was supposed to get today, tomorrow to the Hardee's plan. Guess I'll have to improvise. Since we didn't get the clothes, I didn't want to let that money go to waste, lol. So we went into the main market, and I had to buy socks. Me and my sister roamed around the streets for about 45 minutes, looking for socks. There wasn't a lack of socks actually, there were so many, but I wanted thick, fat ankle socks, not thin patterned ones. Also, the prices were ranging like crazy so I wanted to get a general idea so I could bargain later. In the end, I bought socks for 20 rupees each, I bought 5 pairs, which made a whole 100. Great bargain, seeing as other sellers were selling it for 40 rupees each. I got half off! I needed new pairs of socks for college, for dorm mostly. After that, me and Kt just roamed around some more, and we wanted to buy a nice form fitting sweater that would go well with a pair of skinny jeans and pumps. We finally found one, it's grey and woollen, from the UK brand ''Atmosphere''. I will take a picture of it and put it up when I can. I really like it alot, it's stylish and classic. Mom said it's an ''old people'' color and I should be focusing more on blues and reds and yellows, but I think grey, beige, black, and off white are THE colors for sweaters and coats. I don't like any other, I'm just a classic kind of a person. I really want to wear it tomorrow to the Hardee's plan, but me and my sister made a deal that if she could wear it to Hardee's, I could take it with me to hostel. I thought that seemed fair, since I really did need to impress the new people I'm going to meet. 

I better go get some money from Dad for the meet up tomorrow, and then head to bed. I hope I'm tired enough to have a dreamless sleep. I honestly don't want to talk to or about H right now, and in a sense I am waiting to see how serious he takes this little tantrum of mine, and how soon he'll reply back. It's been almost an hour and he hasn't. Some kind of love.

Billy Martin.

When I was 10 years old, I heard a song on TV and the beat sounded really good, and when I waited for the song to end, it said ''Good Charlotte- Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous''. In the video, I saw this, and I immediately fell in love with the guy with the massive spike, second from the left.

His name was Benji, and the only thing I really liked about him was his spikes, lol. He looked very hot to me, sort of bad boy with a rock look but still young. 

So anyway, I listened to their song ''Anthem'' too, and ''Boys and Girls'', and I liked where they were coming from, I liked their sound. Then, their third album came out, ''Chronicles of Life and Death'', and I watched their video ''Predictable.'' In there, I saw the skinny guitarist, who had short spikes, but still was very cute. I was totally over the long spiked guy, and then later on MTV, the show ''Behind the Scenes'' came on featuring Good Charlotte, and then I learned that the guy's name was Billy Martin. This is how he looked bak then:

I just fell in love with him. Yeah, he did make up, mostly eye liner, and yeah he looked a bit scary, with the tattoos, but I just fell in love with this look, and he just looked really hot to me. Buff guys have never attracted me THAT much. I mean, yeah, good bodies are good bodies, but I don't know, I've always been into the skinny frame kinda guys. Lol. His jawline was to die for, absolutely die for. I started obsessing over him. At one point, I had a whole file in my computer dedicated to him, with over 200 pictures of him. Wow. Lol. I knew his birthday, his birth place, and the saddest part for me..his girlfriend's name :( I won't be shy to admit that upto a point, I did wish that she and him would break up, I really did. Even though he was dating her since he left high school, I just wanted him to be mine.

My mom highly disapproved of him, which only made me love him more. Haha. She said that he didn't look like a human, he looked like some evil thing. I really had to disagree on that,Marilyn Manson looks evil, not Billy, he looked a little goth, but overall sweet. He later cut and dyed his hair purple, which was one look I really didn't like, but it was okay :)

He loved to draw, he was a great artist, he loved music and hooror and fantasy, he was a massive addict of video games, and it was safe to say that we were NOTHING alike, but I just still loved him. Alot.

Flash forward, and they released their fifth album, Good Morning Revival. He looked the best here, and I actually made a plan to go to one of his concerts in Ohio, where I was going to be staying for a month, but the plan never finalized. :(

Anyway, now they've released their sixth album, Cardiology, he got married back in 2008, March 1st (very touchy topic with me) and he had his first child in January 2009. In the beginning, it was very jealous provoking thinking of him with someone else, but when the marriage happened, it made sense to me that him and his girlfriend Linzi ought to be together, and I'm totally okay with it now. His son is ADORABLE!!

Billy himself is totally changed, no more eye make up, tattoos are still there, but he covers them up mostly, with hoodies. He's not that rock star type like he was a few years back.

I think the reason I love him so much is because I've known him for so long, since I was 13 or 14. The main reason, I think, is because Billy has sort of matured with me. When I was into the punk goth scene, he was into that scene. When I was growing out of it, he was growing out of it. It's kinda weird how we were linked in that way, and my feelings for him have never changed, they've only matured. I think you can say, in a sense, he was my first real love.

I visit his Twitter almost every day and keep up with his life, and though I do not obsess over him as much as I used to, I would love to meet him and actually spend a day with him in L.A (that's where he lives). Thing is, me and him don't actually have alot in common, so I don't know what we'd do if we'd spend the day together, lol. But it's still a fantasy. And the little schoolgirl crush I had on him has changed and matured into admiration, and respect, and just a deeper sense of the word love.

He's very sober looking now, and I like him more this way, don't you think?

I love him. :)

Trouble.

My head actually starts to hurt alot when I'm on the computer too long. And my back too. But I can't help it, I have nothing else to do with my days. Only 6 days left till I go to university!

I miss H very much, he shouldn't have left me and gone to Islamabad :( His family is always around him and we can't talk much anymore, not on texting nor on the phone. He's busy during the day, and too tired to talk at night, and we haven't talked in 4 nights. As far I can remember, that's the longest I've gone without talking to him. I want to tell him so many things, like what I got from Metro, and how my days are, and what my thoughts are, and I want to what he's upto, and what his thoughts are...

I'm supposed to get my clothes today from the tailor, an olive green shalwar kameez, and I need to get it before Wednesday because I (finally) have a plan to go meet up with this new friend of mine, whose name is R. He's a friend of a mutual friend, so we're all gonna go out and hang at Hardee's. I'm actually really excited because I crave fast food and junk food and restaurant food more than I crave home cooked food. I'm not very desi, I like chicken once in a while, but I really crave pasta, pizza, burgers, shawarma, lol. Hardee's is going to be my heaven then. God, I must sound like some hermit who doesn't get out often...which is kinda true.

Also, I will write a blog post about Billy Martin. You'll know who he is when I write about him.

What I'm eating right now.

I'm not really a taking-picture kind of a person, if I'm out somewhere having a memorable night with someone, it probably won't occur to me to take out my phone and take a picture of us. I actually get really embarassed asking people if I can take their picture. Weird.

Anyway, I just thought I'd take a picture of what I was eating right now.

That is a bowl of steaming hot and sour soup, courtesy of my sister, and a packet of salted Lays, all in a tray and on my bed. Yummy!

Brother's birthday.

Today was my brother's 15th birthday, and we celebrated by going out for dinner at Yen Hui, a good Chinese restaurant. But before that, let me talk about my day. 

I woke up leisurely at 4pm, having slept at 4am the night before, and having slept only 2 hours before that. After that, the day just filled itself up on its own. I watched TV, read some books, talked to my sister. Then we went out for dinner. Before that, my dad got some ''jalebis''. It's this really sweet dish, it's made of flour and molasses, and then dipped in oil to fry, and then covered in sticky sweet molasses again. It's extremely sweet and orange in color, and very yummy. The thing is, there's one place on Ali Zeb Road that makes the real ones, the pure ones you could say. Like, they have this secret recipe and everything. Those were delicious.

They're made in various shapes, but mostly swirlies. Really good. Man, I love my culture sometimes.

After that, we had dinner, but it was a very subdued event, as the host of the night, my brother wasn't feeling well at all. In fact, all he had was the starter, which was the soup. After that, he said he felt too nauseous to eat, and after taking a gulp of Sprite, he actually went to the bathroom to vomit. :/ Poor him. So it's easily said that this was his worst birthday ever. :( The dinner was good though, I was just eating some leftover chow mein. 

I'm getting very anxious about dorm. I'm hoping that I'll find some good friends there, because it's the friends that make it all worthwhile. I catch myself thinking about it every so often, thoughts like ''Will I be able to adjust?'' or ''how will I shower?'' or ''Will my roommates mind if I talk to H at night?'' This is a massive step, an entire change for me. I wonder how I'll be able to cope, if I will at all.

I can't think of much more to write on now, but I do have in mine that I want to write a blog post on judgement. It's important. I'll do it tomorrow.

3 more days till I can call this house mine.

Religion.

My religion is Islam, and I am a Muslim. I've never had any trouble believing it. My parents brought me up in the States and you would expect me to be loose in morals and not to care about religion at all. But my mother made sure that I kept in touch with all the basics, and by the time I was 10, I had completed reading the entire Quran twice. Mom did force it on me, but she did the right thing, it's all about conditioning. I knew how to read Arabic, I knew how to pray, while living in America. In Pakistan, my faith became stronger, because I could hear the Azaan 5 times every day (in the US, you can't) and I've been on and off in my prayer, but I definitely do remember it, and I pray when I can. Religion is very important to me. I will admit, sometimes, I place other things in more importance, material things. But in the end, the only thing that will be important to me is the fact that Allah is there. Sometimes, when my heart is bursting with emotion, and I can't talk to anybody, I talk to Allah. And I cry and cry, but I feel better later, knowing that somebody heard me.

I think about death all the time. It's all around us, people die every day. I do have some conlflicting thoughts about what will happen after death. I believe in what the Quran says, there will be a Day of Judgement, and we will be accounted for, but these thoughts are only because of my nature, not of my belief. I always want to have proof to make sure it's there, it's real. I've been thinking for awhile to go into deep research of my religion to strengthen my faith. Because Allah knows I love who I am and what I stand for, and I've never though of conversion. But I am guilty of weak faith.

Islam, in every way, is perfect. It makes total sense. And it's just so...peaceful. If one prays a prayer in the middle of the day, and does it at normal speed, everything calms and slows down, and all you can think about is your offer of worship to Allah, and you feel innerly content. It's an amazing feeling. I've had bouts of impatience and craze and hysteria, and when I would go into prayer, I would read slowly, do everything slowly, to calm myself down. It's a major stress reliever.

I really cannot say more because Islam is more of a feeling than an explanation.

It's unique, and it's just right. I wouldn't change it for the world.

A hurtful letter.

Dear You,

  When everything had to go so wrong, why couldn't you make it right? It was easy enough, and I waited, that's all I wait for. I wait for all those moments to come back again, maybe not in exactly the same way, but atleast with the same intention. That's the beauty of it. It doesn't have to be the same love, but you could've shown me that you were ready to try again. I feel like this unbidden partner, a love affair, only a phone call at night, a shadow, nothing more. 

I've said it all so many times before, it sounds like a song. A very powerful ballad, filled with the voice of the piano. But I can't help myself. I don't want to let go of this at all, I want you to try, and try, and keep trying. But you hear me cry, you feel my tears, you realize for one split second that these feelings are real, that they mean so much to me, you vow that things will be different...and they are, for a day or two...and then it's back to the darkness. Something else takes over in your mind, and my feelings become nothing more than a problem for you to deal with later.

I'm sick of feeling this way, and depending on you for your happiness. It's like, anything he says has this absolute direct effect on me. He broke my trust, he hurts me. But I can't be without him. Maybe this is unhealthy. But I just can't. If he says something sweet, I can smile for miles. If he gets angry, I can imagine the end of the world. I'm sick of feeling hurt all the time, and waiting for something that I feel will never happen. I thought that the most you could do was hurt me. I was wrong. You made me desperate for a change in you, so desperate that I couldn't believe myself. You made me wait for you, constantly, incessantly, intentionally. You made me experience emotions that I never wanted to open up, that are too painful, and no human should go through it. You made me insecure, doubtful, wary, crazy. And now, I just want to be apathetic. Because of you.

Life was supposed to change. We were both going to grow up, and move on with careers and academics. But I always thought that this closeness I feel with you, it wouldn't go away, not to this extent. I thought we were going to grow up together. To still share our lives together, see everything with the same eyes...together.

Now, I will train myself to find other sources of happiness. I know how much you hated my previous boyfriends, and crushes. But you know what? I never, never gave them, any of them, as much as I gave you. I never would've waited on them like I wait on you. It was too easy to break up with my previous bf, and even easier to forget him, because I never attached any real emotion to him. He was young, so was I, it wasn't love. This..this was love. In the most hard hitting form, as crude and raw as possible, I loved you with everything I could. I gave you absolutely everything, so much that the word ''everything'' does not even encompass it. And then this happened. Don't you see the lack of communication? Doesn't it hurt you? You say it does, but then you don't do anything about it. 

You know this blog's link, but I'm sure you'll never get down to reading it. You've seen it's page, but you just cruised it and saw the pictures. I'll never have the strength to let go of you. Simply because I love you too much and I want you in my life.

I guess I'll just keep on waiting.

Sinerely,

Me.

Out.

It's really hard to conform to society when you've been living your own way for awhile. I had to wake up at 9 this morning to attend the parent teacher conference, and I overslept ad woke at 9:43. I wasn't that fussed, because the PTC's last till 1pm, so I leisurely got dressed, and had to wait for my siblings too. We then took a rickshaw to their school, and we spent about an hour there.I talked to their teachers, found out exactly what the problems were with their grades and how to improve, and talked to them about it. It felt good, like I was an actual parent, and I just had a feeling that this time my siblings were actually listen to me, and it actually got through their brain. Lol. Afterwards, I had to rush back home to attend  a luncheon that my sister and her class were having, at Nando's. It is so ironic,how I thought I looked really good today, and yet I didn't have enough time (or proper lighting) to take pictures. I wore a grey wool overcoat, it was very flexible and figure hugging, skinny jeans and heels. The thing is...and this is sort of embarrassing to admit...I only own one pair of skinny jeans :S and the truth is, they aren't even mine, they're my sister's. I always get money,and always vow to myself that I'll buy a pair, but then other things come first, and then before you know it, my money is out and I'm craving to wear skinnies. I thought I looked really decent today, especially since I'm tall and thin, so my legs must've looked nice. The overcoat was to DIE for. When I asked my brother how I looked, he said ''Like you're in New York.'' Compliment! :D

Going to Nando's was something else. The luncheon was of 20 people, and we all ordered individual dishes At the end when it came time to pay up, someone suggested that we all divide the bill by the number of people. I was okay with that, and it came to 480 rupees per head. But then someone from the other end of the table said ''We didn't order much, we shouldn't have to pay all that.'' And so we spent literally 20 minutes trying to settle everyone's orders, and paying up only as much as we ate. It was all very frustrating, not because I'm so well endowed with cash (I'm not...I only had 750 to spend) but because everyone held their money with their teeth. I mean, why come to Nando's, a fairly expensive place, if you're not going to eat properly? Weird.

So I just got home, and now me and my mother have to go buy me some clothes for dorm and get some official paperwork done. Even though it's only 6:15, I still feel uneasy, because it's dark already, and we NEED all this paperwork signed by tonight. :S

H's in Pakpattan, and will be home by tonight or tomorrow morning at best. I passed by his house today. It meant alot to me. Hehe. 

There's a coat that Jessica Alba was wearing, it's plaid, and I love it very much, I wonder where she got it from?

It looks simply divine to me, and if anyone can get me a link to this or something similar, it would be greatly appreciated. I've been wearing sweaters since I was 12 or 13 years old, and the last coat I owned was back when I was 10, it was a beautiful bright red coat with black faux fur collar and sleeves. I feel like a kid in sweaters, and I'd really like to own a few coats, maybe 2 or 3. One in black, one in brown, and one in beige. 

That's it for my day.

Cold.

I know I might think this whenever a new winter season comes along, but this winter has got to be the coldest yet. :S Even though I wake up early, I can't get out of bed for another few hours because I love the warmth of my comforter. And I know that within 15 minutes, my hands and feet will be so cold. I don't know how kids and teens get up every morning to get ready for school and college. I was stunned just watching my siblings this morning, and was very strongly reminded of the fact that soon, I will be getting up at these chilly hours as well, and getting ready for my own college. I'm so dreading the thought.

I was woken up this morning by my little siblings' report cards: they just came back from school with them. My little sister did not do as well as I had hoped, but my brother improved beyond belief. I didn't yell at them (mostly because I had just woken and I couldn't physically yell) but I told them exactly what they needed to do to ensure better grades from now on. Tomorrow is their Parent Teacher Conference, but because my mother doesn't teach them, she won't know head nor tail of what the teachers are talking about, so I will go. Oh God, I'll have to wake up early in the morning. Oh no. But atleast I can ask the teachers what's going on, and I want to gauge the kid's reactions of their teacher's comments. Normally, I go to the parent teacher meetings alone, and come back and tell them what their teachers said, and they just bluntly reply ''That's not true'', knowing that there won't be any way for me to prove it. Watch out kids, it's different this time.

It's the first month of the Islamic year, the month of Muharram. This is the month of mourning, as the fourth Imam of our religion, Imam Hussain, was brutally martyred and his family was very cruelly treated. This is the month is which I remember strongly that H is a Shia. For him, this month is of the utmost importance, where he stops any kind of happy activity, and engages in private mourning. No movies, no music, no celebrations. Even though Sunnis also do believe in the martyrdom of Imam Hussain, we are not strongly inclined to it (with the exception of me, I have begun to become a little bit more emotional and sympathetic towards Shias, because I'm in a relationship with one). The actual defining point between these two sects is the matham. That is a form of beating the chest and chanting Hazrat Ali's name and Imam Hussain's name. It sometimes takes a turn for extreme physical abuse- hitting one's self with knives and swords, making them bleed. At the same time, the men also cry, and remember what happened that day of the martyrdom. It's very..scary to see. H has never done it, but I know that it is his private wish to do so. He never tells me that, but he's very religious, and very inclined to his sect, and I know that he gets emotional too. Sometimes I do wonder how things will be between us, but most of the time we don't let religion get into the way.

Last night, me and him couldn't talk, because he went to a saint's grave with his family. This morning, I received a text from him telling me that he was going to Okara, Sahiwal, and Pakpattan, cities that are about 5 hours away, and he would be home tomorrow evening. Strangely, I did not feel any kind of distance between us. It's all really odd, but I think it's because of a talk that me and my sister Kt had about relationships and how we should feel. I have all these feelings about what he's done, what he does, and I want to change it all so badly...but my sister said Let it all go. Ignore it. In time, it won't affect you as much, and maybe he'll realize that. She said I have to start living for myself, and not for him. It's not the first time someone said it to me, but definitely the first time I listened. I shouldn't force him to care, it's up to him he is his own person, and whatever he does is his loss.

It's still really cold, and I've got nothing done related to the things I need to get for hostel and for college :S Dad said we'll go tomorrow, but I'll start by going today with my brother and picking up some things. Tomorrow,we'll do the heavy shopping.

That's really it for now. 

Cover.

I don't listen to many covers, and I normally think that the original song is better, but my sister made me listen to a song called ''Just a Dream'' by Nelly, but the cover version of it, by Sam Tsui. I have to say, that I absolutely loved it. It was great, I love ballads, especially power ballads with piano and beats. When I heard the original version yesterday, I told my sister that if I was a record producer and heard these two versions and had to pick which versions went on air, it would be the cover. Lol. It was THAT good. :) Give it a listen.


Cover of ''Just a Dream'' by Sam Tsui and Christina Grimmie




You should listen to their mash ups and other covers too, they're very good. He's very talented, and so is she. :)

Think over.

Even though I should be the happiest girl in the universe for finally getting EXACTLY what I wanted, a place in the medial college most suited to my needs...I'm not. I'm not happy because I want things to be right between me and H again. No matter what anyone says, he is a part of my happiness. Call it habit, addiction, or for the romantics, call it love, but unless things are right with me and H, I can't ever be fully happy.

Ever since his father was hospitalized, and the months coming after that (April-December) I feel like we've definitely distanced. Maybe not on purpose, but the closeness I felt was gone. I guess I felt close to him only when I talked to him often, and I was also close to his mother, who I talked to on the phone, and he would talk to me about his life very often, about the different people in his family, and his friends, and their personalities. Or conversations at night were never dull. On the contrary, we would look up at the clock and be surprised that it was already 4am, and yet we still had multitudes to talk about. 

Now, he's become a completely different person, in the sense that his personality hasn't changed, but his behavior and attitude has. He doesn't tell me more things, mainly because he forgets them himself. He doesn't talk about his family anymore, and mostly I do the talking. We now normally end the call after only an hour of talking. It's really hard to endure, even more harder to understand. To him, his life has become a whirlwind of errands and duties, and waking up early after only a couple of hours of sleep, and yet there's no pleasure because he knows that he won't be able to sink into his bed at night: he has to talk to me. When I remember all these things, my heart bursts with emotion. He wants to talk talk to me, because nowadays, that's the only form of communication we have, late night talking. He can't text often during the day, and life is not about feelings anymore, for him. It's about practical, in-your-face reality. If we do end up fighting one night, he can't sulk about it the next day, for he's woken with a list of things to do. He's become, in essence the ''man of the house''.

I really wished and hoped that things would slow down for him, get better for him, but when I hear of his future plans, it doesn't seem like they ever will. True, his dad's stroke was not expected, it was aliterally a blot out of the blue, but everything else that will follow (like him getting a job, joining his ACCA classes in January, and then going to the US for summers) was expected, we've talked about it millions of times. It makes me wonder, if I know things won't get better, why am I still with him? I have a choice to end this, to live this life for myself, because I am my own person, and I should be independent and strong. Why don't I just say ''it's over'' and let him deal with life, maybe me and him could stay friends. Why don't I take this step?

Bottom line: I love him. I've always loved him, but in the beginning I never knew it, nor did I ever let my feelings develop. I gave too much of myself to him, and though I'm having very severe trust issues with him at the moment, I believe him (or want to believe him) when he says that in the end, no matter what happens, he's marrying me. 

I just ask for more, I want him to prove himself, try hard one day to show me that this love is real, it's pure, it's still there, and he will still do anything for me. Three nights ago, I talked to him about the trust issue that  was having. That I didn't trust him to be there for me, didn't trust him to love me, didn't trust him to keep hs promises or be anything and everything that he said he would be. He listened, he said things would be different from the next day.

God. They weren't. And I didn't have the heart to tell him, I kept it to myself so I could decide what to do. He texted me a little bit more often, but how is he supposed to earn my trust back? Even I don't know. I need some guidelines, some rules.

I decided to give him a week, till the 10th, just to see if things would change. If they don't...then I don't know what step I should take. His life is already hard enough without his girlfriend telling him that she's breaking up with him. And like I said, I don't want to leave him.

We had a slight fight last night, where I said something like ''you didn't keep your promise of waking me up.. and he said ''Give me a break, for God's sake.'' He lost his patience because he had a rough day. And to be very honest, I lost my patience after hearing that too, but I kept my mouth shut and told him we were better off if we went to sleep. I have no idea what I'm doing, or what to do.

So, as usual, my relationship is on the rocks. I could just pretend that everything is alright and I'm happy, but it's not that easy, because I want and need to be truly happy inside than anything else.

Well, writing this blog post has certainly made me feel better. Lol. I hope he reads this post, it'll help him understand me better.

I miss him very much, and I hope he feels the same way too.

Hectic.

Now that I only have 18 days till I move to another city, the main topic of discussion in my house is about my hostel and my college. It's exciting, yet equally frustrating at the same time. I haven't admitted it to anyone except H, but I'm secretly terrified of living by myself in a hostel. Mainly because I don't have anyone there, nothing will be familiar, and I'm a very picky girl, I eat only what I want to eat, and I don't like alot of things. So what if the mess makes something that I don't like, one day? :S guess I'll have to sleep on an empty stomach. I'm not trying to think about the bad things about living in a dorm, only the good ones. I don't feel like I need t deal with it until I have to. And also, I'm going to be studying most of the time, and paying alot of attention on that, so hopefully the hostel part of my life will pass in a blur. Lol. I'm glad that I hve a blog, because then I'll be able to update everyone. People that I trust have the link, so I'm alright with that. :)

I go to sleep every night at around 4am, and wake up at 3pm, and normally I would be freaked, but I know these are my last days of freedom, so I'm taking as much advantage of it as I can. Lol. Everyone is putting up with my tiny tantrums because they know I'll be moving away soon. My sister told me last night that it was kind of like I was getting married, because I was moving away. That made me realize that this change is not only affecting me, it's affecting my siblings too. :( I'm really going to miss the comforts of a home. 

I got my first ever pedicure today :D Me and my mother went to a parlor, and I only had to get my eyebrows threaded, but then, my mom had some extra money and she said I should get a pedicure. It's really relaxing, the whole massage and cleansing bit. And it's so much cheaper here than in other countries. It's only 800 rupees, which is less than 10 dollars, and I know that a pedicure costs more than 10 dollars in the United States. So I'm lucky. It was a nice experience.

I have alot to write about, but not alot of time, and I'm not really in my ''thinking zone''. Of course, the ''lot to talk about''is about H, and about the things I feel, but I'm really not up to it right now,  my mind kinda wants to be evasive. 

Tomorrow when I get more time, I will.