Clutch.

Opening this "Create Post" page scares me a little sometimes.

Studying session is FULLY on. It's come to the point where I don't remember a day when I haven't studied. I really don't like that It's always, wake up, make yourself a steaming mug of tea, and get down to studying. And it used to be, "if you're tired, nap for awhile". Now, it's "if you're tired, slow down but KEEP STUDYING". Time is running out and I'm feeling it badly. Even though these are send ups, not even the real prof! I take stress way too much, way too seriously. I take a lot of things too seriously. I wish I knew how to loosen up.

Today, I took a break...sort of. Talked to W on the phone after ages. I haven't gone to Islamabad in literally three years, and that sucks. Because I love it there. And talking to W only made me miss him and Isb more. There are things I can talk about with him that I can't talk about with anyone else. And it's officially like, the best friendship I've ever had, regarding how much he listens to me rant all the time. And half the time I know I'm talking about things that don't matter to him at all, like H's smoking, or MBBS being a bitch, or me and my sister fighting, and he still has a comment to give here and there. Like, he's properly listening. Something guys don't do. They just block out what they don't want to hear.

And I realized today, I have this strange sort of confidence in him. As in, if I was to find out that I wasn't HIS best friend (which isn't true) or if he decided to not talk properly for a few months (which has happened before) I just know that he'll always still be the same guy. Guess it all goes down to the fact that I literally grew up with him, and all those times we fought to be allowed to stay awake past midnight when we were thirteen year olds. And when he told me about his first crush when our families were travelling to Sukkur in a train, at 14. When I got my heart broken the first time, at 16. When he had his first smoke, at 18.

I should definitely write about W more. Because in this stressed out frazzled life I'm living nowadays, he's the only one who's able to bring laughter out from the deepest part of me. Trip for Islamabad is done (in my head) for after send ups. It's been too much, and too long.

H has just landed back into Pakistan after his two month stay in the States. Just like last time, I have no idea what I'm supposed to feel and so, I refuse to. Just stay neutral-ish, I guess. It's a dead end, 'm just being the naive one and trying to peer through the brickholes to see if there's another road. I find so many faults with him, it's annoying me. I'm hoping it's just a phase. My thoughts became way too self destructive at night, when I'm waiting to fall asleep. And thankfully, I wake up with all of that forgotten. But now, I'm dreading the nights for it. 

Because of that much-deserved phone call, I am now behind one chapter of studying, according to my schedule.  No regrets. My days are scheduled with a stopwatch, and for now, it's the best I can do. Sanity will prevail after September 24th.