Impact Waves.

To put every single thing in a nutshell, to leave out the actual ''feeling'' bit, the agonizing hours, the waiting for people, the crying till my eyes were hurting. To put this in a few words that will probably not mean as much to you.

My nephew passed away last Sunday. 

Fourteen years old. Motorcycle accident. He wasn't even speeding. 

Tragedy. When you hear about it on the news, you somehow telepathically console that family for about a few minutes, and then you remember one more thing you have to do. Your day goes on. We're deliberately desensitizing ourselves.

My advice? Don't. Because anything can happen to anybody. Even you. Allah forbid. But it can. For him to leave this suddenly, this quick, it was beyond shocking. It seemed incomprehensible. Why, how could this happen? THIS could happen? Yes, it can. Because Allah can take away who He wills, whenever He wills. It's not in our hands. Being desensitized led me to feeling numb for half of the time I was at the funeral. Watching everyone with glazed eyes. And the after he was gone, when I went back home, all that kept hitting me was him. Anything and everything he did. He was just a kid. What ''hisaab'' will he have?

He has not left my mind for more than a minute since the 19th. The day after the funfair. And it was the fun events week coming up. Couldn't attend a single day of it. Couldn't stand to. It was my own rule; my parents were okay with me going. But how was I supposed to wear a gharaara and makeup and act like everything was okay? For once in my life, I'd like to let the world know that I'm NOT okay. For so long, I've been acting like everything is going just dandy in my life, when it wasn't. But those were things that I could control, the things that made me sad. I learned how to curb my wishes, to keep things simple, to realize that ignorance really is bliss. That the more you know, the more chances you'll be sad. To have something to look forward to every day.

And for this week, I'd like to just be left alone with my thoughts. And to let the world know that my mind is ravaged with something. And that I have been affected. With the tragic death of a 14 year old boy who was so tall he reached his father. And who nobody wanted to see go.

Now that the festivites are over, it's time to buck up and go back to life, to studying especially. March is a month filled with tests. I'm actually grateful for this. If there's one thing that keeps me grounded and makes me feel like I'm actually living my life, it's studying. And having ''things to do'' every day. So right after this post, I'm going to make a half cup of coffee. Then I'm going to start studying for the Physio test which is on the 28th. And then the substage on 1st.

I wish I would start praying regularly again. I just can't bring myself to do it, I don't know why. The guilt I felt missing Fajr prayer this morning is only known to me. Must not happen again.

I've stopped biting my nails. Let's hope they stay this way.

Everybody has different capacities to adapt and handle situations. I guess I'm about to find out mine.

Febrero.

I like the way life is going nowadays. When you have so many events and meetups that you're looking forward to, and you're sleeping and eating properly, and basically everything is going right.

I eventually did get to talking with H. It came down to both of us settling some differences, but it worked. We're back on track, for the most part. There was no Valentine's, but I didn't want one either. Having to be all romantic after you just got out of a fight doesn't feel right. I had a lot of chocolate for myself though. S gave me some. A KitKat Chunky. It was good. And then I bought a Feast for moi. And I wore orange to college. Anti-Valentine.

This month, I have to spend all my pocket money on buying gifts for friends. Aargh. Why do so many of my friends have birthdays in February?! A's birthday is in February too, but I got it covered. Bought a book for her. The other ones I have to buy, because I attended the treat they gave last week. So, according to some "nonexistent formal rule", I have to buy them presents. I'm not good at gift-giving. This time, I plan on being so, though. Five people. FIVE GIFTS. All my money is going into this. :/ Damn.

They better buy me gifts on my birthday. I'm dead serious. I will not talk to them if they don't.

Oh my God. I feel awesome. I just found out I only have to buy four gifts, not five. Yay! :D

Okay, moving on. First embryology test of second year on 20th Feb. Barely prepped for it, and don't feel like starting today. But I'll do something. Maybe the Limbs chapter. It's only two pages long. Perfect for people like me. Embryo is such a bad subject. I dislike it a lot. -.-

Funfair, Traditional Day, Odd Day, Sports Day, all coming up. Fun in February. :D

 This weather is so awesome. Cold enough in the morning, warm enough in the afternoons. A nice breeze all around. I'm so afraid of summer coming.

I need more epiphanies.

"I think I'll stop being so egoistic when I don't feel the need to be strong."

Sleepless and Neverending.

We held a "milaad" at my place today. To tell you the truth, I wasn't all that excited about it. I don't know many naats, mostly because of the language barrier. I only start reciting it after I hear the same line being repeated over and over. But it turned out to be fun. Mostly because of how Kt decorated the upstairs lounge.

And a lot of people turned up. Since we were hosts, I was busy throughout, fully. Taking care of stupid nosy annoying kids, transporting food from downstairs to upstairs. Didn't even get to eat properly. Made chai for 15 people. My head feels like it's about to burst from both sides. Not a very pleasant Sunday. At all.
On top of that, there's bad news regarding H. Requiring a back up story which I don't feel like explaining in detail. Since last Sunday, we haven't talked on the phone once. He wasn't angry, and he didn't know that I was. He apologized for last weekend. But apologies don't always work. Not when you say it so often, and then you repeat what you apologized for. Kinda kills the apology. He's out of town right now, and yesterday he texted normally, and I just lashed out. I needed to, I wanted to. I was so tired of walking on eggshells because I was afraid. Afraid of what, I don't know. Don't ask me, I don't have the answer. I've long since made him my everything, made him the reason for getting up in the morning or living the next day. There's way too much in my life to do and to live for. Like my family, and my parents. And my degree. And my future.
I wrote ''Leave me alone H. I mean. I promise, you won't understand. Never.'' Sounds like something another person would say normally, right? I've never been that direct with him. I have now. Assertion. Felt good at the beginning. Now it all feels hollow. He hasn't texted since. I ponder on his thought process. But you know what? Whatever happens after this, will be the truth. If he decides to give up on this, that means that he was a liar for saying that he wouldn't let go so easily. If he doesn't give up and talks to me, that means we probably will emerge stronger. This is definitely a turning point, and I think I'll be happy no matter what the outcome. If this ends-and it could-I would know that it wouldn't have survived anyway. So, in actuality, this is a test. He doesn't know it.
It's been a really long time since I've been single. H has been a safety, something that I knew would happen in the future. Am I worried that I won't find someone like him again? Definitely. Mostly because if there was one quality I will always treasure in him, it's that he doesn't find any other girl interesting. Or doesn't run after them. Or talks to them. He smokes, yes. But the question is, is the fights over smoking enough to cause a break up? Isn't it better that he's actually faithful and sincere? Rather than later being with a guy who doesn't smoke but stares at other girls?
I really wanted to text him today. But I don't know what to say. I must've picked up the phone and put it down 6 times today, wondering what to write. I got nothing. I don't feel it right to apologize. The egoistic part of me is getting in the way. Valentine's is coming up. Though we won't go out and celebrate it like some cheesy couple...will we really spend it without talking to one another? Is this the beginning of the end that I'm seeing?
I think I should text him. But I should expect a lashout back. I know I can handle it. I'm just wondering if it's the right thing to do. But then again, in a relationship, there's no right or wrong thing to do.
So this is basically what was on my mind today. That, and that I'm so tired that I'm going to fall asleep right after posting this.
Tomorrow's the start of a new week. And I fully expect to get busy with MBBS and friends, and sleep and be with my family. I want to be busy.
I'm in love with the song "We Found Love" by Rihanna.
This picture makes me well up. I need a Harry Potter marathon with some Potterheads. Anyone?

Sitting on the corner.

Funny how time seems to stand still whenever you argue with someone you love. I hate how this feels. Like you've been shell shocked, nothing moves past the huge weight.

I've already gained so much strength when you were gone, and I want to gain more. I don't want to feel like you are a massive part of me, I want to be indifferent, nonchalant. To know there's something wrong but not let it consume me, eat me up until I get to talk to you again. 

You do a million things, get work done, study, go out- and you're still back there, with him, fighting. Your mind refuses to acknowledge anything else. You're stuck. God, this sucks.

For awhile now, I've been in denial. I usually am, because I have way too much going on already. I don't want one more thing to deal with. It's not just that. It's also...I find fighting with him pointless. Partly because, I'm not sure myself what I'm supposed to do. What is SUPPOSED to be the end conclusion? I don't like taking advice from other people about my relationship. Shouldn't I have enough insight into my own already? Isn't advice-taking weakness?

We know there are problems. He knows I hate, absolutely hate (and probably cannot live with) his smoking. I know he doesn't have time for me to even plan out a meeting, let alone go to one. We choose not to confront. We choose to gloss over. I want to know why we do this. It's not hurtful, it doesn't cause pain. But, it makes you feel like you have something left over to do, every day. And the day you stop feeling like there's something left, you're desensitized. You're starting NOT to care. To lessen it. To accept it. I don't know if that's wrong or right.

I couldn't handle it today. I told him that just because I didn't talk about smoking for a few months, doesn't mean that I've forgotten about it, or that I've accepted it. I just don't know what to do about it. And I don't want him giving my bull that he'll quit after marriage. Why should anything change after you sign a nikaahnama?

I also told him that I'd rather keep my mood happy because apparently everything he does either disappoints, saddens, or angers me. That's not completely true- but most of the sentiment is grasped. Yes, generally, there is no happiness. I can explain him in only one word: thoughtless. I didn't ask him to make time for me. I didn't selfishly demand he quit work, or visitation. But it strikes me, that he didn't even himself think that there could be something he could do, to make her happy? That's where thoughtless comes in. To him, as long as Randomhyper isn't fighting, everything's okay. And even when he knows there's something that's not okay, he doesn't rack his brains trying to find out a solution. Knows it, moves on. Cuz apparently, that's all he can do. But why though?

Why is that all he can do? Am I being the stupid one, that he keeps on tricking me that somehow things are going to get better, when maybe they're not? Is he the villain? Or am I the villain for thinking these thoughts?

I'm not sure about that answer. All I'm concerned with right now is how I'm feeling. Regardless of if it's right or wrong.

His reply. "If everything I do disappoints you...why are you still with me. If you really have a problem with whatever I do. This is despite the fact that I don't drink, waste my time or go after girls. Really? Talk to your mom, or friends about this. See what they say."

I was so close to writing ''I ask myself that everyday.'' It's painfully true. I am now starting to wonder why I am still with him. I feel guilty, and strangely, stronger. For thinking like this.

Is him smoking (it's actually a bigger deal than it sounds. Read previous posts), not giving me time, not understanding me at the slightest, changing himself to match the world he is now in, enough to end this?

Thinking about it doesn't hurt me either. It's actually something I'm curiously pondering, not beating my head over with and bawling at the top of my voice. For Christ's sake, we're all grown up here. We can handle this. Even if there's a break up, I'm not going to go all emo on this blog, or in my life. But I need to be sure of my decision. 

And then it all comes down to the converging point, something that will always halt me. 

He's my best friend.

He's my safety net. Even when he can't be there in the flesh, or on the phone, he's there in my mind. I remember that I can always go back to him if I truly needed him. And even when I get those ''strong'' moments, trying to imagine my life without him...it's possible. Just harder. And it all depends on whether I want to feel that. What's worse- being with him or being alone? 

People are right when they say it's hard to let go, and you need strength and courage. Shit, you seriously do. I haven't let go yet. I might not, even. But the thought of it is enough. Way too much.

Time is still ''still''.

Turning the pages.

The International Book Fair at Expo was awesome. I wanted so many people to come with me, friends and cousins...H too. Though he doesn't like books, but I thought we could find him something. Lol. Nobody could make it, so it was me and the siblings. I was shamelessly excited. I love books, all kinds. I know I've mentioned that before, but it needs to be mentioned again.

I have a few rules though. 

I never buy books that are made into a motion picture. I saw ''The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo'' by Steig Larsson, but I'd rather download the movie and watch it. The only books worth reading that are later made into movies are series. I think. Like HP and LOTR.

Also, I really dislike chick flick/romantic books. The ones that are purely romantic. I've never bought, nor will buy Nicholas Sparks's books, nor do I read a lot of Danielle Steel. I'm very vast on genre, and I like to read books from every one. But pure romantic is a little...corny to me.

Third, I dislike self help books. They scream ''We're lying to you and robbing you at the same time!'' to me.

Fourth, Islamic books are amazing to me. Muhammad by Karen Armstrong, I still have to read. And I bought an Islamic book today too, something simplistic. Whether it's about Islamic rules, or history, I love.

Yup, those are the rules that are occurring to me at the moment.

So, these were the books I bought.

I am so excited to read them all, especially Catch 22, since that's been on my booklist. Also, I wanted to buy Mohsin Hamid's Mothsmoke, but I already spent so much money, so I felt bad for Daddy. The Book Fair is till the 7th of February, if anyone living in Lahore wants to go. There are massive discounts, especially in Liberty Books stall. :)

A full weekend, and it feels so great. Even better, the welcome party has been shifted to Tuesday, so I have more time to plan it out. I'm glad, because the suit I'm going to wear isn't even here yet. It's still at the tailors. Stupid tailor. Why do they always say they'll make it before the week is done, and they end up giving it to you two weeks later?

Last night, I curled up with a cup of coffee, a heater, and my TV. And watched Scent of a Woman on Star Movies. I didn't get to watch the whole thing, because my electricity went out from midnight to 1, but I saw a good chunk of it. It was really good, and I'm starting to get into a ''movie buff'' role. I'm going to ask my brother to start loads of movies on my download right now. All Al Pacino ones. He's awesome. I want to meet him.

Besides all this, I still have to remember that I DO HAVE TESTS COMING UP. Great. Substage is on the 9th. Schedule-making time. -.-

When you have new books to read, winter, coffee,movies to watch, and places to go with friends, who wants to remember academics? I now know why people feel this way. This feels exhilirating. Like you think life has finally reached its peak, and then you find out: you can do more, see more, and be more.

Just spontaneous.

I want a haircut. Really badly. But the weird thing is, I don't want to cut my hair short anymore. Or ever again, actually. I like the idea of a short bob, and something really chic. Sometimes even thought of chinese bangs. But I don't think I'm daring enough to risk it. Plus, my hair is naturally curly/wavy, and I don't want the hassle of straightening it every day. My straightener has already ruined my hair. So, I think I will just settle for a nice side fringe, and a trimming, or maybe long layers. Yes, that sounds about right. I plan on getting it done on Saturday, right before a party at college. It shall be beautiful.

I miss music consuming me to it's entirety. Me laying down with my headphones in my ears and making up my own music videos to the songs. In my head. Me starring in them. And most of all, I miss music reflecting how I feel. I have about a hundred songs in my phone, but none of them actually match me anymore, like they all used to. People like songs because they can relate to them right? I can't relate anymore, and I don't know why. I only listen to music so that I don't get bored while walking to and from the bus stop every day.

Me and A are going down with some random crazyness, and I'm loving it. Two second thoughts that turn into actions, grabbing a rickshaw and just going. Yesterday, we left the college, for no reason at all, and my heart was yearning, actually YEARNING, to go onto a bus and let it lead me. I wanted to stop on a random street and find my way back. I was walking the streets of Lahore with A, and at that moment, I wanted a million things. To see a church. To go to Shalimar Gardens. To have breakfast on MM Alam while bunking a class. To go shopping for khussas. To just walk, and walk, and then run, and keep on going. To break my normal routine of going-to-college-come-back-home-nap-and-then-study. I was glad that I wasn't the only one who felt this way; A did too. And so we decided to act on it. Church it was.

Nobody else in our group knew. A was so overwhelmed in the rickshaw, like ''Are we actually doing this?'' Yes. We were, because we could, because we wanted to. We're going to do this every week, go to a new and random place. FINALLY. Somebody who understands that the time to live is NOW. And it will always be now,and you should just do it because you might not have tomorrow, and it's as simple as that. We're not supposed to do medicine, and kill ourselves now just to gain prestige and honor in ten years. Balance your life, have fun. Go out when you want AND study at the same time. It can work. MBBS can be fun too, if you just know how to have it. I'm glad I didn't get committed to being  representative of a batch or something. I'm a free agent. :)
We wasted forty rupees on a rickshaw who took us on the same road. But I don't regret. The entire thing was fun, just to know that we walked out of college and decided on something from out of nowhere. Me, the planner, didn't have a plan. And everything still worked out. Awesome.