Explained.

I used to have a blog on Diaryland, and it is still there, because I want to remember all my memories, no matter how painful they are. It reminds me how good life has been, and sometimes gives me hope. So anyways, I went through a favorite diary of mine, which is www.swallowthkey.diaryland.com and I read up on her entries. Though she gives no information on where she is, I have deduced that she's between 20-25, and lives in Canada.  And there were some excerpts from her diary that I would like to mention here, because it's just like she saw an open book of my life and explained all the unexplained feelings, put everything into words. I love that feeling. 

i really don't want to talk to you right now, but if i say that you'll get upset and wonder why, and then we'll have to talk about why i don't want to talk to you and i really do not want to do that.

i hate having to pretend like things are okay when once again you've done something to hurt me. i hate questioning why i am in this relationship, i hate it when i'm reminded of the things i hate about it, because i want to just be happy in it.

it would help if you weren't so selfish and neurotic, and if you would stop constantly saying things you can't or won't follow through on. i am so tired of getting my hopes up with you and constantly being let down.

why don't i feel comforted by anything you say? you're saying all the right things but i don't believe you at all, i don't believe the words coming out of your mouth and i don't believe that you still love me as much as you say you do. i think it's because i can't trust the way you kiss me, there's no feeling in it, it makes all of my insides shake with doubt because how can you kiss anyone so emptily and still feel anything for them? how can you be so completely distant and still tell me you are in love with me? i don't believe you, your kiss doesn't believe you, your absent hands don't believe you.

i hate this, i hate the way all of this makes me feel, i hate how if there isn't something going wrong with me there's something going wrong with you and nothing is ever peaceful or good and i can never trust it, there is absolutely no foundation to this shaky relationship. i am always, always waiting for the bottom to fall out.

i really dislike that you are so distant. i'm starting to feel clingy.

if i pictured you perfect, you would be the spark that lights my fire. you’d be braver than me and quicker to jump into crazy things, eager to take me with you. you would dream in vivid technicolor and wake me up in the morning just to tell me about it. if i was upset, you would be there to hug me or you’d send a cute note to make me smile or tell a story that would take my mind off whatever it is. you would tell me that you’d kill whoever hurts me, even though we both know you don’t mean it. you would never say things like “get over it” or “just suck it up” or “but you’re leaving anyway” because you would know how unhelpful that is and how it doesn’t make me feel any better at all. you would always want to hang out with me no matter what we were doing just because you were with ME and that’s all that matters, because that’s how i always feel about you. you would want to talk to me about things like gender and art and books and dreams and thoughts. you would understand that some days i get really down about the world and the way people treat each other, that sometimes i’m in a bad mood just because of how the world works, not because anything happened to me personally. you would like my friends and get along with them because you would know that my friends are the world to me, and you’d also understand that when something is going wrong with my friends it’s really hard on me, for this same reason. you would love all the weird things about me and wouldn’t make fun of them. and it would be really nice if you would love me enough to never go to bed knowing i’m upset or angry, you would be willing to stay up just to fix it because i am that important to you.

i feel uneasy every time you make it seem like there's no room in your life for me, like you're just too busy, it's so difficult to spare a few hours. if you have no time for me now, what will it be like when your band takes off? i'll be a shadow in the background, a phone call before you sleep, nothing more.

the only thing comforting me about this right now is knowing that in sixteen days i'll be too busy to notice that you're too busy for me.

but i swear to all that exists that if i hear one thing from you when i'm back in school about how i'm too busy and we don't have enough time to talk, that is it for me. it would be beyond hypocritical on your part.

i felt so good about us. for a whole twenty four hours, things felt good. for a whole twenty four hours we didn't fight at all.

and it had to all be ruined by one phone call. now that feeling in the pit of my stomach is back and i want it to just disappear.

you always say all the wrong things.

sometimes i wish you would just stay up with me and tell me stories until i feel better. i really need that right now.

today has been one of those days where i can't close my eyes without starting to cry.

i had trained myself not to think about you. not to miss you, or to let my heart twist at the thought of you. i had gotten so good at it, using everything else as a distraction.

then there you are again and there goes my heart again and i don't know what to do with you.

That's all of how I feel, more or less, quite often. And it goes by unnoticed, completely.

Now, with today.

I woke up at 2pm, and spent the entire day helping my little sister study for her Math exam, which is tomorrow. And the day after, is the merit list. 

I think I'm going to hold things on a little bit longer. Until after the merit list.

I need somebody to share my happiness with.

Gossip Girl.

So I've been begging my friend to give me the DVD of Gossip Girl Season 3 (she gave me the first two seasons earlier this year, and I got addicted) but unfortunately, the CD was getting stuck and not working properly. It was really frustrating for me because this is the only free time I have, after a month all I'll want to do is watch Gossip Girl, and be helpless because I can't. So instead of waiting on her, I took matters into my own hands, and downloaded the complete third season. 

I am addicted. 

I watched 9 episodes in the past 2 days, and the only reason I stopped is because my head started to hurt from staring at the computer too long. Lol. I'm having a flu and a head cold, and so it's not ideal for me to be sitting in front of the computer this way, for so long. So I took a pause and thought I'd update my blog. :) I'm also not allowed to download anything anymore, not until the new month comes, because our limit was almost up. But now that I've discovered this whole new world of uTorrent and downloading whole movies, I'm additced, and I already have a list of movies to download :D

Yesterday was a slightly different day than usual. When I wrote my last post, H texted just fifteen minutes later, saying ''Baby?'' I received it alright. And I didn't play hard-to-get. but I didn't text back either. I thought it would give us more time to think if we didn't talk at night. I know I needed to think about things. It made sense that if we stayed apart, we would think about each other more, and maybe sense would come of all this.

So I woke up at 11am, and napped at 7pm, and just spent the day making sure that i wasn't free for even a minute. Lol. I went online, I watched GG, I watched TV, I helped my mother, it might sound like an overall boring day, and it was, but atleast I didn't have time to feel purposeless in my life, lol. I didn't have time to dwell on situations. I did think of H alot though. Of what he might've been thinking. And while I was watching an episode of GG yesterday afternoon, at 4pm, H texted me, sending me a number to reload my credit in my phone- something he's been promising for months. This was confusing, because it didn't make sense. If he knew we were on a break, I thought he would write something more...heartfelt, or an apology, or something to make me talk to him. This basically meant to me that he didn't think of this a break. I didn't reply.

At night, he texted at midnight, saying ''are you in the mood to talk tonight?'' and then seconds later ''I mean, can we?'' This put me in deep thought. I wanted to talk to him, but what was the point if he didn't understand the purpose of the break? In the end, I didn't do what I wanted to- which was tell him no, or not reply at all- but I replied to him saying ''Sure'', out of fear of him blowing up and getting angry at me. So I guess, deep down, I do have a big fear of him stopping loving me or wanting to leave, no matter how many times he assures me that he never will. We talked, for about 2 hours, and he said that we could just act like friends for awhile, we didn't need to be all lovey dovey. And for the first time, I actually like that idea. It's not that thinking about mine and H's problem is a burden on me, because it isn't. I have all the time in the world to think about him. It's just that, I know the solution to this problem, and I know it's not gonna happen. He needs to be in my shoes, he needs to understand what I feel. Last night, I told him that I expected an apology, and then seconds later he apologized. That's what I don't like, the insincerity of it. He should be able to know himself, he doesn't feel like he's doing anything wrong, he doesn't feel like he needs to make anything up to me, which in turn leads to the fact that he doesn't consider my feelings important. So I'll just leave it at that. And I think that it's time I stopped troubling myself with waiting and waiting for him to be emotional and loving and caring again, because it's not gonna happen anytime soon, and it's definitely not gonna happen while I'm waiting for it. It's just...I hope he understand what I want or need, and I still do have quite some reservations towards him, so I'll let him work out what needs to be done for us, and I guess I'll have to chalk out a solution for the reservations I have about him. Maybe I might end up with the solution that I can't accept certain things, but then the time will have to come when I have to just be blunt and come out with it. Come out with the things about him that I just don't like. And this won't be like every other drama queen time I came out (which was about 7 times before) this time, I'll be serious, and I'll say it with finality and solidness. I'm actually holding it back for now, because I don't think I'm ready, but like I said, he said it's okay if we act like friends for awhile, and I'm actually alright with that idea for once. It would be nice to step back and sit down rather than always fight.

Wow, Gossip Girl made more of a difference in my life than I thought. Lol.

4 more days! :D I'm so excited and worried at the same time, that for every day that passes, I think it's the next day, haha. A thought crossed me today: what if I don't get into the college of my choice, and into a college farther away from home? I plan on getting into Faisalabad, which is 2 hours away from here. What if I get into Bahawalpur, or Rahim Yar Khan? They're both a good 8-9 hours away :l not good. We'll see I guess.

The weather is really getting nippy nowadays, we've taken down the thick comforters, and I LOVE getting into them every night. It's the most amazing feeling. I love sleeping in winters. <3

I will go now and order a shawarma. Lol. It's an arabian taco, I'm addicted to them. 

See you around. :)

Unexpected

So it's 12:47 am, the end of the day, and I'm going to write my first ever proper blog post. Lol. Last night, me and H did not get along well, at all. I didn't text him all day, because I was really depressed and down. I told him that, in general, but I didn't tell him the real reason, which is that I was missing him like crazy and yet I was so hurt by his current behavior. He texted me at night asking if everything was okay, I said I was down, and he called me and we talked, but nothing was making me feel better, I was expecting so much more for him to say, for him to do, but nothing was getting through to me. And I admit, that part was my fault, I was just rejecting everything I didn't like, and waiting for something that I did like, but it never came. And I got even more depressed, and I couldn't talk to him properly, I mean, non-argument voice-ish, and then in the end he said that he couldn't say anything useful, he thought that nothing he could say would make a difference to me, I wanted to be unhappy, and so there was no point in talking, and he was going to sleep.

How could he just give up that easily?? I wouldn't. I don't know whose wrong here. 

I called him again and texted him to pick up. He did, and for a few seconds, I couldn't even speak because I was in utter shock. But when I started to talk, I couldn't stop. I told him how I thought that he was giving up so easily, he wasn't even willing to fight for it, and stuff related to that. He said that he couldn't think of words to say, and that he couldn't do his best right now, and that everyone has a choice, to be happy or not to be, and that was my choice.

Yeah, it's a choice for heartless people. For robots. To me, it's not a choice. 

I want to scream at him, scream saying ''Don't you get it already?? I want YOU to make me happy! I want you to worry about it, you to fix this, you to help me!'' but he's acting like this is not his problem. And it hurts me very badly.

This afternoon, I woke up today, and texted him telling him I was awake. But last night, and for awhile now, I already made it in my mind that I needed some time off. Less for me, more for him. More so I can see if he could do anything for me, like he said. So I wrote this text to him.

''I don't have the capacity in me to be happy when I'm actually not. Or to ignore my sadness. Especially in these days I know how I'm feeling, and I also know that it can't be helped. In addition to that I know that, as it has been for months, life is difficult for you, and it's made you bitter and impatient. I need some space. There's no point in talking tonight about understanding. You're not willing to make an effort, this isn't as important to you as it is to me. We both know that you won't understand me the way I want you to, and that I won't let go of the hopes and wants that I have for you. It's a losing battle. We've discussed this numerous times. Maybe we just need time away from each other.''

I sent this, hoping he would get the message, hoping that he would understand that this is serious to me, I want him to prove himself, to prove that he really does love me. I know I must understand, must realize that his life is not as easy as it used to be, but right now. I just don't have it in me to understand. This text was basically me asking for a break. 

I wanted to see if he would do what he told me he would do. He said that he would never let me take a break if he wasn't having his exams. And yet he hasn't texted or called back once.

In a way, this is good. Yes, I miss him, and think of him more than usual, but this will prove everything. This will reveal it all. If I really mean anything to him. 

After this emotional rollercoaster, I helped Mom with work, and then my sister has guests come over because her friend's sister was getting married, and Kt was the one to put henna on her. She does very excellent henna, my sister. Now that friend that came knew about me and H, and she was asking me about him. I nearly started crying, right in front of her, a girl I don't know well. I just told her that me and him were fighting, and she looked at me sympathetically. It took me an enormous amount of strength to control myself, and not cry, I could hear my voice about to crack. There. I can be strong. I can be strong.

The girl and her family just left about an hour ago, and I would write down more details, but it's late, and my silbings are having exams, and they need to be listened to, so I'll go now. No, he hasn't texted or called, and I'm sure he won't either. He either didn't get what I meant by the break, or he wants to give me the break, or he doesn't care about me. I just know that if it was me, I couldn't be able to stand it, and I would've called him back immediately. 

Some life this is. Only 5 more days to go. But even then I feel like life will be pointless unless I get the old understanding H back.

New Routine

I think that I'm not going about this blog the way that I want to. I just sit and write whenever I want, at any timing, which shouldn't be right, because part of the reason why a blog is here is because you write your whole day down and how you felt about it, and of course that's done best when you write at night. So, my next entry will be tomorrow night. It is only 4:20pm right now. 


And the other part of a blog is to write down your feelings whenever they occur. So that will happen randomly.


I should start telling more people about my blog. The people that I want, to read it. Of course, that will be a select few, so I'll start sending those people messages right now. Lol. 


So, today is going to be a boring day, as usual. I'm thinking that maybe I should start with some simple cleaning. My dresser is so messy, everytime I open it to get something, I get jumbled jewelry, and on-their-side deodarants, and normally, I'm a very clean and organized person, but lately I've been really sad and down, so I don't feel the need to do anything but dwell on my destructive thoughts. I know the answer to all of this, the answer is prayer, I need to start praying again, I completely left it after mid September, and sometimes I really don't feel like it, but then others I really do, but I don't have the strength to get up and do ablution. It's strange, because I feel like I'm too lazy to do it, but then when I actually do it, before you know it, the prayer and the ablution and everything is over. 




I don't have any motivation to start my life, or to make it better. I just wake up thinking, ''okay...another boring day.'' And truth be told, I have nobody to blame but myself. Nobody can fix this day for me, I have to do it, I'm just being a whining child. 


Okay then. After this post, I'm going to go pray Asar prayer, and then do some cleaning, and after that I don't know, but I'm going to make sure that every minute of today will be filled. I won't let myself be dragged down.


Also, I need to find a new layout, I don't want a Blogger template. I want something more...girly, yet, minimal, yet me. I'll find one, hopefully if I'm not too picky.

Barbecue

It doesn't matter what kind of a person he is. Did you give your heart to him? All of yourself? Did you tell him your innermost secrets, your deepest desires? Did you consider him above all else? No matter how much of a saint you were before, did you forget your parents, your life, for him? No matter what you feel later, just know. This was love. You were in love.

Today is my best friend, Mehreen's birthday :) It sucks so much that she has to live in the United States, and I have to be stuck here in Pakistan. But I tried to do her birthday justice, I called her up at 10am my time, midnight her time, and texted her too. I felt closer to her then :)

Yesterday we went with another family (who is not related to us) out for a barbecue at Jallo Park. That's a park that's really old, and huge, and people don't go much ther anymore because of how far away it is (it took 45 minutes to get there). The barbecue itself wasn't that great either. I'm really dependent on other people for making me happy. I always look around and expect someone else to make conversation, or make the mood. Thus, the barbecue was really boring, and I hate eating sacrifical meat anyways, and that's exactly what my dad and the uncle grilled. It left a really bad taste in my mouth later, and I washed it down with coffee, with was blissfully good and sweet. Oh, I don't know about everyone else, but black coffee is a strict no-no in my case. I'm a latte person, through and through. I can never take my coffee black and bitter, it has to be warm, rich with milk, creamy, and sweet. Mmmm...

Today is a free day, H was too tired so we couldn't talk last night, so I slept from 1am to 2pm. Lol. I woke up four times in between though. I just cannot sleep properly, it's been years since I've had a night of uninterrupted sleep. I think that's what is not letting me gain weight. I've always had a problem with sleep, and no matter what time I wake up, or how many hours I've had, I'm always yawning throughout the day, and I'm never tired enough at night. Very strange. I stay up, waiting for sleep to come. Sometimes, I wish I could be a normal human being.

8 days till the merit list is put up.I'm trying to enjoy the remainder of my free time, though to be honest it's very hard to, since all I've known for the past 4 months is freedom. I'm actually craving to be put back into order, structure, schedule, college. It'll make me feel like I'm actually living, being this free and relaxed all the time doesn't make me feel like I'm actually alive. Add more to the fact that I can't leave this house and go out anywhere, and also that I have absolutely no money. :/ So life is really dull, boring, no-point-ish. 

There was a question that has been on my mind for awhile, and I'd like to share it. If there's something you cannot change, and at the same time you cannot accept it either, what do you do? I plan on asking H this tonight, asking him what he would do. Because indirectly, the question has to do with him, but I just don't want him to know that. If he knows for one minute that what he does is something I cannot accept, he will be extremely frustrated,and that's the last thing I want him to be.

That's about it really. Another headache has begun again. This time it's a stabbing one, over my right one. Goodness. My little siblings have exams this week, so I have to help them with that, and will have to watch my favorite tv shows on repeat tonight (no, I don't have TiVo,please don't remind me that I live in a Third World Country).

I will go now. I need a shower, and some peace. My shoulder is hurting too.

Thoughts.

A Unique Use

Usually blogs are used to record a person's day, and that person does it at night because the day is complete. But ever since last night, I really needed this blog. I don't just need it for that one reason, to record everything. I need it to write down my feelings so I can make sense of the mess that I am. And usually, that mess only comes out when it has to do with H.

Last night's talk was...strict and frustrating, to say the least. Even I think that I'm sometimes the dumbest or the craziest person ever, because I say things or talk about things that make no point. And you know what, usually that would be okay. Usually, I would just completely be myself and tell people what I think or what I feel. But with H, everything has to have a point. ''What's the point?'' Love, just look at it from an understanding and ''point-to-ponder'' sort of way, maybe there isn't a point darling, maybe I just want you to hear me talk about what I feel. That's it. Can that be enough?

We just kept on going over and over about the smoking thing, and I found that I couldn't let go. God, I let him do it, why am I the one picking up the end of the tail again? Why am I expecting him to still feel a little guilty for what he's done to me? It doesn't hurt me talking about it. It hurts that I won't believe him even if he ever says that he quit. I know I won't believe him. So I'm really at fault, aren't I? Or is it his fault for making me lose that trust in him?

Smoking was among other things we discussed We discussed the things that we had to accept for each other. Normally, at the end of each phone call, I would lay in bed and think about everything that was said, and sort it out, and take my side. But there were so many things in what he said that even at the next morning (now) I'm confused. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. :/

Okay. Wait. Stop. Think a moment. You won't believe him if he says he'll quit. And you think it makes you feel better that atleast he's not lying to you. He loved you enough to tell you that he would do it before he was tempted to break the promise himself. That's gotta count for something right? He doesn't do it often. It's not a part of him, it's just a small little hobby, so to speak. You should have no problem with it. 

Being honest here. Still not convincing enough. I think I just need this day to think about it more. Sometimes, it's worth it to move on than to stay and try to put the pieces together and risk hurting yourself. There is nothing I can do, nothing. In this case, I used to believe that I has a choice, but now I finally feel like I don't. Okay, so final decision? Move on. That's it. Just move on. I don't think about it like crazy in a day anyway, and it doesn't bother me that much, but that's probably because I haven't seen him do it yet. It's just who he is, I guess. The thing is, I could stop him if I wanted to, I could make him quit, but I know, simply, I won't believe it, and it will literally be only a matter of time before he would want to do it again.

So drop it.

This was the main thing in my mind. Besides that, he knows what else bothers me. I think that what we lack now, is the fact that I don't trust him, and he doesn't understand me. If we can't sort that out, then I don't know what we're supposed to do. Time won't bring trust, actions will bring trust, true guilt will bring trust. Because time, I've had alot of.

Today is Eid. Eid Mubarak! I've been awake since 8am, having slept at 4am, and I am in no mood to get dressed or to help anyone. But like lots of things in life, I don't have a choice. So I have to. I just thought I'd write in my blog to clear my mind of things before anything else. Though to be honest, I still feel like all my thoughts are like spaghetti, twisting all around, they can't be separated. Things still seem all jumbled in my head, in my life. And I know that if I talk to H on the phone tonight, about all these feelings that I'm having, I will feel better. But I can't, I can't. He just won't understand, he won't listen with the ear I want him to listen to, and if I crying out of overwhelming of emotion, he just won't understand, and won't know how to help me or guide me through this.

I feel so screwed. Let me think of things myself.

And I'm reading my blog post again and thinking I'm way too depressed. I'll try to be happy today, really. Just go on with my day and do what's needed for Eid. I hope I have a good day.

A Simple Update

Pretending to drop in despair, when all you're surviving on is hope.

I absolutely love my new mattress. We bought it a few days ago from Makro, and it's so comfy, and I don't even feel like getting out of it when I'm awake. Which resulted in me getting out of bed at 4pm today :S Even though I was awake since 1pm. Even though I don't have much to do in a day, it still feels weird and groggy waking up this late, knowing that the sun will set only an hour later.

Me and H talked last night, and things ran a little deeper, because we mentioned that one thing that I had to forcefully accept: his smoking. He asked me if he could smoke exactly one month ago, and out of frustration, out of helplessness, out of knowing that me saying no will only result in him resenting me, I said yes. I said yes and told myself last night that I wouldn't let it affect me from now on. He had already asked twice before this, and I said no, and yes respectively, with the latter resulting a tearful change of mind three weeks later. He stopped doing it for my sake, and even though he insisted that it wasn't that important in his life, he still wanted to do it.

There are so many things wrong with the way he talks about smoking. He says he needs it only once or twice a week, and if he's in a really stressed out mood, maybe even up to 5 times a day. At first, it used to tear at me inside. Literally rip at my guts and my mind would be literally occupied with it all day, every day. I used to picture him smoking all the time, going crazy, getting addicted. No matter how much he's proven himself to be a much more maturer guy than all, or most, of his friends...he's still a guy. He's still a little immature. So even when he said that he wouldn't get addicted, I believed and still believe, that one day he will. And I bluntly told him last night that I could not live with his smoking habit after we get married-that is, if we get married. I'll be a doctor then and will have much more to say on the topic of smoking, and will know much more about it in detail, and there is no way I could live with someone contradicting what I do. In reply to that, he said ''Well, I'm glad you told me that.'' And the whole conversation last night was one of intense bitterness and resentment, because to me I feel that if smoking is not an addiction, it should be something that he can easily give up for me. And if he ever wanted to do it again, he would remind himself why he gave it up, for me, and it would be worth it. I'm not trying to change who he is, because smoking is not an addiction for him. I know that if it was an addiction, he wouldn't quit even if I threatened to leave him. Hell, even if I broke up with him, he wouldn't quit. 

So last night was probably an eye opener for him, but it was basically a rant for me. You know how far I went for him to make him happy? I pre ordered a Zippo lighter with his name engraved in it, for his birthday. Because I knew it would make him happy. I knew that's what he wanted. I knew he'd like it. When was the last time he pushed away his personal opinion on something of mine, and supported me one hundred percent? Just talking about the present gave way to tears falling down my face. And he was in utter disbelief.

Why do I do all this? To prove that I love him? Why do I keep settling him in a foundation, proving time and time again that I will always be there for him, and that I love him enough to stand by him, when at the same time he's unsettling me? Why am I enduring all this? Even he asked the same question last night. And I told him that I would still endure. But why?

For a guy, a relationship is part of his life. And for a girl, it IS her life. She will do anything, not to keep the relationship together, but to keep it happy. And I do that, all the time, for no reason. He doesn't need reminding that I love him. But I definitely need reminding. I think that's what's happening. I think I keep on showing these little bursts of love to send a subliminal message that I want to be shown this too. 

I've been asking him for weeks to meet. Weeks. And I ask it in so many different ways, thinking that he'll give in some way or the other. I spend so much time and effort and thoughts into this, to get about one percent back. And I don't.

I let it all out last night,and when the call ended after it's duly hour, I couldn't call back, because I had so much more to say, but for some reason, a part of me (the part that learns from experience) believed that there was no point in telling me how I felt. The next day, he'd go back to doing what he did, and I would have to go back to burying all those feelings again. While quiet, he sent this text.

  ''Baby, I've had it with my life. I've been pulled into such a stupid way of caring only about other people and I subconsciously avoid it whenever I can. I hate my life, I've been hating it for weeks now. I love you. Call me please.''

The fact that he gave me a reason to call back, was why I did. And we talked again, for a little while longer, until he fell asleep, and I shut the phone. Even then, I felt like there was no point, I told him that I felt underappreciated, underloved, and highly neglected, but tomorrow will be the same day. 

I think I won't feel that there is a point until and unless he makes an effort. And I'm saying this now, I'm making this promise to myself now. I am in charge of my life and my feelings and my thoughts. And I shouldn't have to change that out of fear. If I find another reason to fight with him again, I will ask for a break. I will. I need time to deal with this on my own, and I think by that time, I would've endured enough.

Now, moving on with the rest of my day. Lol. Eid is tomorrow, and for the UK it's today. It's the Eid of sacrifice, and we have bought three goats and a cow. Tomorrow we're going the sacrifice the cow, and the day after the two goats, and the day after that, the last goat. Eid is normally a three day function. I don't particularly like Eid anymore, because I'm not a child, I'm an adult, and I have to be one of the early risers, helping everyone with manual labor. Ugh. I didn't get any new dress made for this Eid, because I just didn't have the time.I normally get new dresses made for the first Eid of the year, after Ramadan. THAT is a fun Eid. :) This Eid only means that I'll be eating goat meat and beef for the next four months. :/ I'm not particularly fond of both, I'm totally a chicken person (even though I should be eating more red meat, because I'm as thin as a stick). So, will be eating out more often for the next month. Haha. 

I have to start paying more attention to my diet, and eating whenever I'm hungry, because I never seem to gain any weight, and that basically means that I'm not eating above my calorie intake. :( I've incorporated milk into my diet, something which is a big deal for me, since I don't like milk and haven't had it properly since my babyhood days, lol. So I have a glass of milk (or sometimes two) in a day, and to be honest I don't feel any difference. Then again, it's only been two weeks, let me give it another two weeks, lol. 

I will be updating my layout soon, but for now, I have two bratty siblings who want to go online, and they can only do that through my laptop, because my brother's computer is at the computer shop. Hmph.

November 30th cannot come any sooner. I'm filled with suspense for that day. 

Entree

I know I will feel more comfortable with this blog, because it's everything I've ever wanted in a blog. And yes, stupid me that I had to find out about it later, through a friend. Lol. Before this I was on Diaryland.

So, starting new. Hopefully I will be very regular with this blog and play around a little bit more so that I can change layouts because honestly, I hate mine, and I have now begun to stalk people who knew HTML. Lol. All about practice I guess. 

About today. I woke up at 1:00pm, late for you maybe, but early for me. I am currently free from academics, and waiting for the merit list of candidates selected for medical college to come out. After I woke up, I helped mom clean the fridge, went on and offline a few times, and randomly circled my house. I hate being this free all the time, but sadly, I have no choice. =l so, yeah.

Since I'm so idle, all I do is think all the time. I overanalyze and interpret too much, and this will go away once I start getting busy, but for now I must suffer with it. 

What's on my mind now is my feelings towards H. Last night, we were talking about things that he liked, and he was getting so in depth about them, and in the beginning I was really enthusiastic too, but something felt wrong. And I realized what it was: it was the fact that he was never this interested or this detailed or expressive about what I wanted him to be in. And not anything stupid, like girly stuff, but, more specifically, our relationship. Most of the time, it's just me talking about promises and trust and loyalty, and the different dynamics of a relationship, and how to keep one alive, and all that I've learnt, through practice and through experience. And all I hear is ''Mhm. Mhm.'' Are all guys like that? I'm not asking you to bawl over me, but take an interest in something you've committed yourself to. It's very offending to know that you're not expressive or knowledgable about your relationship. 

So I woke up this morning with an okay mood (a better mood than most mornings actually. For some reason,waking up gets me down) and didn't text him, because I didn't actually have anything to say. I hung up on him last night, and he didn't call me back, so I was in a very hardened self preserving mood, I guess. We just talked about it though, because he texted asking where I was. So I basically went all out and told him what I wrote in the paragraph above.

I want to know his opinions on things related to us, about him understanding how a girl works, but he doesn't have answers. Doesn't have an opinion. Hm. Okay.

So basically I've just been in a very neutral mood all day, wishing for money and for a car and for freedom to move all around this town. 

I've also had a few epiphanies, if you will. I was reading another blog, a friend's, and in there, she had written,

''Today I promised myself that I would be happy no matter what.''

When I read that, I realized that I never actually told myself to be happy or any other certain mood. I would just wake up every day, revel in the mood I'm in, and go with the flow. Feel that mood all day, and if something was to change the mood, so be it. I never actually held a control over my emotions. I just let them happen. 

So two mornings ago, I made that promise to myself the night before. That no matter what happened the next day, I would be happy. I would look at things in a positive light. And it worked. Yes, granted, unfortunate things happened too,but instead of dwelling on them, I brushed them aside and concentrated, literally focused only on the good things of the day. :) It was amazing. Did the same thing this morning too, and even though I was badly burned from last night, I didn't let it take over me today (which I normally do).

Maybe people can break promises that they've kept with me, but I will always keep my own promises. It's on the road to self love.