I used to think that it was only Lahori winters that I loved; it isn't. I just love fall and winters in general. An American fall begins, and I swear there is a smell in the air, and that smell is not present in the summer. Fall is my favorite season.
I love my phone and all, and I love technology, and I finally have an iPhone (For those of you who can tolerate going back hundreds of posts, I've always been a bit of a follower and a basic B at heart, and I've wanted an iPhone) but it still can't replace the clacking of the keys with purpose like a laptop can. Which is why I don't keep up with blogging if I'm not usually opening up my laptop. And I haven't opened it up in a while.
I work part time. I study part time. I'm making an effort to go to the gym. I'm trying to be the best version of myself I can be. It's hard. Nobody tells you that to be the best version, you have to cut out your splurges and luxuries and excess, and stop being lazy and try to make every minute of your day productive.
I say this alot: "Nobody tells you". It's like the world is my enemy, and I'm always fighting back saying "See?! You didn't tell me this would happen!" Which is pointless because there are oh so many things you are going to learn on your own man. And you can't turn back and blame someone/ the world for not telling you.
I have discovered new facets of myself that I love and also new facets of myself that I detest. I'm working on the one I hate, to turn it into something more bearable.
H posted on Instagram today. It's a habit I can't seem to break, though the good news is that I don't have any attachment behind the habit, I just do it mindlessly. It was a picture on a highway with a setting sun and the caption wrote "A shooting sun and a getaway." (Shooting sun? Really? Your wit is gone, my friend. The very same wit I fell in love with 9 years ago.) He's back in Pakistan. I didn't even feel his presence here in the States. He stuck to his word, he didn't contact me. Both feeling good and feeling solemn about that. A little pathetic to admit, but what the hell.
I have milestones to cross, and the first one is coming up in a few days. September 10, our anniversary AND the day we ended things. It's going to be one whole year. Fantastic. Then December 12, the last time I heard his voice on the phone. Then January 31, the last time we ever had an interaction. Three milestones, a weaning off, a dying of a relationship. I sometimes marvel at how I spent eight years of my time and energy on something that was going to end. But that's too negative. I have to stop thinking like that.
I'll hopefully keep writing in here more. You all don't know about new H yet.
September 8, 2017
Odyssey.
Self reflection on the road:
1. The only rap song I've actually made an effort to memorize is Lose Yourself by Eminem. I wrote down the lyrics on paper and spent hours memorizing it. The only other rap song I have memorized is Airplanes which features Hayley Williams, and that's because I've listened to it so many times. A rap song I would like to memorize is Superbass by Nicki Minaj.
2. I like to be completely aware of my surroundings; I don't know how to be any other way. Consequently, I've never lost my phone in my life. Knock on wood.
3. History is a big deal for me. It fascinates me how people used to be in previous times. Especially the Holocaust. Strangers who find this out about me might think I''m morbid; I understand that but it's far from it. It's just heartbreaking and interesting. And even more sad that I'm seeing glimpses of that era today.
4. I've mentioned this in another post, but I think I'm turning into H. And I don't want him to have that over me. I refuse to believe he took the best of me with him and the relationship. It's a constant struggle inside me to remind myself to be nicer, less sarcastic, less mocking.
This post was a draft and I've since lost my train of thought. So I will simply publish this.
1. The only rap song I've actually made an effort to memorize is Lose Yourself by Eminem. I wrote down the lyrics on paper and spent hours memorizing it. The only other rap song I have memorized is Airplanes which features Hayley Williams, and that's because I've listened to it so many times. A rap song I would like to memorize is Superbass by Nicki Minaj.
2. I like to be completely aware of my surroundings; I don't know how to be any other way. Consequently, I've never lost my phone in my life. Knock on wood.
3. History is a big deal for me. It fascinates me how people used to be in previous times. Especially the Holocaust. Strangers who find this out about me might think I''m morbid; I understand that but it's far from it. It's just heartbreaking and interesting. And even more sad that I'm seeing glimpses of that era today.
4. I've mentioned this in another post, but I think I'm turning into H. And I don't want him to have that over me. I refuse to believe he took the best of me with him and the relationship. It's a constant struggle inside me to remind myself to be nicer, less sarcastic, less mocking.
This post was a draft and I've since lost my train of thought. So I will simply publish this.
January 1, 2017
Grey satin.
This year...oh this year.
I do not want to come off as overly cynical and say this was a bad year, nay, the worst year I have experiences in all my 26 years of living (I said it, didn't I) but it was. Four to five major highlights and the lows were worse than the highs. The first half of the year sped up like it was trying to catch a train and the second half was so drawn out, so agonizing, as if to make me feel every second of 2016.
2016 was about mindset changes, about realizations, and most importantly about losing.
About losing someone that I thought would always be there.
If anyone out there needs reminding: ACTIONS count more than words.
If you need an example, always use mine: I was with a man for eight years who promised he would marry me, and he left. He told me he was a man of his word, that he never makes promises lightly, and that made me trust him more than anything else could. But they were only things he said; in retrospect, he didn't do anything to uphold that promise. And if I questioned it, it was pushed away. "I don't want to talk about this tonight". Tonight turned into the three years, the end of which I was holding a medical degree in my hand and a suitcase in the other, ready for the next stage of my life. And his feet were rooted and unwilling.
The moving on is currently happening, the moving on is tough. I do not wish him the best, I do not wish him happiness. Not yet. Let the anger and resentment flow for awhile. It's only been three months since. It all takes its own time, and you can't compare your struggle with anyone else's. So just let it be and let it flow.
Other than that. Graduation. Karachi. Coming to the United States. Good Charlotte. YES. Things happened. They made me insanely happy. And that's what it's about. Small joys.
Believe in the power of now, and small joys.
Oh, something else I learned, and even though it was a hard lesson, I loved learning it.
My worst fears came true, and I did not die.
I did not break and contemplate suicide, I did not wither away, I did not hide. I wore it on my face and I trudged on. Some days, I felt like I was submerged under water. Others, I was high.
Rock bottom didn't feel like total dark rock bottom to me. I'm thinking because it was that innate sense of being human, that led me to survive. Survival mode, A calls it. Survival mode is a part of us, and it is so important.
So, 2017, bring it on.
I do not want to come off as overly cynical and say this was a bad year, nay, the worst year I have experiences in all my 26 years of living (I said it, didn't I) but it was. Four to five major highlights and the lows were worse than the highs. The first half of the year sped up like it was trying to catch a train and the second half was so drawn out, so agonizing, as if to make me feel every second of 2016.
2016 was about mindset changes, about realizations, and most importantly about losing.
About losing someone that I thought would always be there.
If anyone out there needs reminding: ACTIONS count more than words.
If you need an example, always use mine: I was with a man for eight years who promised he would marry me, and he left. He told me he was a man of his word, that he never makes promises lightly, and that made me trust him more than anything else could. But they were only things he said; in retrospect, he didn't do anything to uphold that promise. And if I questioned it, it was pushed away. "I don't want to talk about this tonight". Tonight turned into the three years, the end of which I was holding a medical degree in my hand and a suitcase in the other, ready for the next stage of my life. And his feet were rooted and unwilling.
The moving on is currently happening, the moving on is tough. I do not wish him the best, I do not wish him happiness. Not yet. Let the anger and resentment flow for awhile. It's only been three months since. It all takes its own time, and you can't compare your struggle with anyone else's. So just let it be and let it flow.
Other than that. Graduation. Karachi. Coming to the United States. Good Charlotte. YES. Things happened. They made me insanely happy. And that's what it's about. Small joys.
Believe in the power of now, and small joys.
Oh, something else I learned, and even though it was a hard lesson, I loved learning it.
My worst fears came true, and I did not die.
I did not break and contemplate suicide, I did not wither away, I did not hide. I wore it on my face and I trudged on. Some days, I felt like I was submerged under water. Others, I was high.
Rock bottom didn't feel like total dark rock bottom to me. I'm thinking because it was that innate sense of being human, that led me to survive. Survival mode, A calls it. Survival mode is a part of us, and it is so important.
So, 2017, bring it on.
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