Paradox.

The weekend is here. My one-day weekend. 

Which will also be spent studying for my next substage, on Tuesday. Abdomen and Pelvis. Peritoneum. Boring and dry as hell. But I think I deserve this, I have been going out way too often, for various things. Outings with college friends, dance practices for my school friend's wedding. I can barely sit down to study for more than two hours now, something bothers me inside to get up and do something else. To eat when I'm not hungry. To call people when I don't need to. My mind is oriented to fun now. 

This is an unplanned post, so I'll write whatever comes into my mind, whatever I've been thinking about or need to do. 

A lot of people have been dying in my family. Three this past week. One was a 12 year old boy that I didn't know. Which scares me. There are random moments in days where I suddenly get paranoid, thinking I might die soon too. I don't think about my age at all (because age is in no way an indication or guarantee that you're NOT going to die); I just think I haven't been a good enough person, and if I'm still alive tomorrow, I should work harder to pray and do good things. It sounds so simple, but I don't know where my mind is nowadays. Mostly it's for my friend's wedding. And getting this substage over with. And sleeping as much as I can.

That's another thing. I've been extremely sleepy for the past week or so. I think it's because college timings have changed. No matter how long I've slept the night before, or in the day, I start getting tired by midnight. As a matter of fact, I'm yawning right now, after having tea. Very strange.

I want to watch the new Dark Knight movie. The trailer looks amazing! Can't wait for it to come out in July. 

Only 2 and a half months left till second year is over. That wasn't fast, that was lightning speed. I remember beginning second year barely a few months ago, and it's already over. I like this, in a slight sort of a way, because then before you know it, five years will be over and I'll be getting my degree, inshAllah. But I also don't like it. Because it's going too fast, we need to slow down and absorb everything. It feels like we're rushing.

For awhile now, I've been feeling like each day in a week is the slowest, but then I look back, and everything's happened too fast. The week ended, and a new one's about to begin.

I need to get my Windows 7 booted into my laptop. I need money. I need to stitch summer suits. I need new ideas and creativity. I need to stop talking so much with people. 

I like how things are going with H. I wish I had some sort of a poetic flow to my words when I talk about this, because saying it so brash and blunt, feels like talking about a kettle. Or a ping pong ball. It's just, too normal. I know I can write better than this. For anything. That's why I don't like writing unless I feel...inspired. To write, or to explain. 

This was a random post. But I think I'll only write again when I really want to. I hope it's soon.

Solarium.

The terrace.
The weather was beyond beautiful. It was gorgeous in every way.
I sat there, on the plastic chair, barefoot, listening to H speak. Talking myself. Feeling the wind, watching clouds light up by the lightning behind them. Their silhouettes. 

The electricity goes out. It couldn't have gone out at a better time. 

Because though there was no light, everything was illuminated.

 I love how late spring nights are never pitch black. They're midnight blue, blue-purple, enough to make it feel like twilight. An ethereal feeling.

I kept looking up after the phone call ended, never once looking down on the concrete of the balcony for fear that I'd remember I was on ground; that I had liabilities, duties, the next day to live.
I remember I kept on wanting the sky to take me.
I remember the orange star I couldn't stop staring at, on the left side of the sky.
I remembered to forget the world tonight.

The Unsaid,Said.

You think I'm a child.

Because I act like one, talk like one, show you the lighter side.

Tell you all the unimportant,meaningless secrets so you think you know it all.

Honey, you have no idea what secrets are.

What depth is. How far two people can go to actually touch each other.

My handwriting changes to match yours because I have no idea who I am anymore.

I hate feeling out of place, always having to wonder whether I should be there.

Doubting your own sense of self, the person you like being.

Just because they can't. Stop. Saying. Things. Against You.

Which they do for no reason. 

I'd like to know why.

You think I'm a child.

You couldn't be more wrong.

Adequacy.

I feel like I'm struggling.

I don't know what's wrong. It's not H. It's not home life. Thankfully, both of these aspects are stable and okay. For the past week now, I've been feeling like everything is out of my hands, out of my control. I make a to-do list in my head every day, get most of the things done, and STILL don't feel accomplished. Or any sense of achievement. Like I used to. I feel like something's missing. I'm dying to make myself feel satisfied in some way, to bring my life under control, to eliminate uncertainty. I wish I could pinpoint and say "Yes, this is the problem, now let's think of a solution" but I can't.

Because I DON'T KNOW.

I learned something today though. You think you can trust someone, and in the end, you find out you can't. It's as simple as that. I want to stop feeling paranoid about everything, about watching my back, about wondering what other people think of me. I know I haven't done anything wrong, and most importantly, I'm not a bad person. So if people still want to talk, they can. I just need to learn to stop caring about that. Been texting Kt and H continuously about these matters. Even confided into another friend, someone I couldn't confide in before but now I think I can. And felt more than better. Relieved. I need to vent more than anything. And have somebody to talk to. And then it comes back to the same question: Who to trust?

This Spring break, I'm going to find out what is going on. I need to. One whole week off, to study properly, fully rest up, and get summer shopping and stuff started. Hopefully, everything else in my life remains normal and balanced enough for me to ponder on what this is all about, and what's going on.

For the best.

Sometimes, I forget how much I feel. How much I can. It's a double-edged sword. One, I'm really happy that I can explain myself so well and know the root of every problem I face. But two- it's painful. The feelings are all negative. Hurtful.

And I'm sorry to say they haven't changed. 

You can say "You're right" to me all you want. For whatever reason. To shut me up. Or because you really do believe it. But let it be known that there's no point, when you do absolutely nothing about it.

Three days. A part of me (only a small part) thinks I'm doing the wrong thing, that the rare time we do have to talk should be met with civility and nicety. But you know what? That's stupid and submissive. The larger part of me wants a fight. Raring. Full out brawl. With everything, you and me, this, exposed. So that's what I've been doing. In case you didn't know. Fully out there.

I won't say anymore, not because I don't know what to do. Because I do. I do know. Because now I refuse to let anyone make decisions for me. I refuse to let anyone toy with my thought process, be it friend, family or foe. Being yourself means knowing yourself, and knowing what's right for you. Nobody should have the power to change your mind.

I just need the courage. I'm afraid of the void that will fill me when you're gone. Not of the romantic part. The friend you were, and still are. Of my safety net breaking. 

Maybe it'll come. Maybe it won't. Uncertainty, maybe for the best.

Lappys!

New laptop in hand! Dell Inspiron N15.This feels very, very nice. First blog post from it :)

The ceremony was good, but I realized, I don't think I should exert myself very much. I go through different moods depending on the day, or how I'm feeling. Some people know that they are either leaders or followers. For me, it can be both, or either, at any time. I like being bossy sometimes, but most of the time, my lazy streak kicks in, and I just follow the person in charge. For the ceremony, I wanted to be a part of it in some way, and so I went into singing the national anthem. I literally jumped in it on the last day, and was excited to do it. The day of the ceremony though, it was torture. First, the heat. Second, no breakfast. Third, singing my lungs out. Fourth, standing for the longest time. I envied my batchmates who were sitting their seats.When I came home, I had a pounding headache, and just had to sleep. The headache went away, but it's back again.

But there were advantages. I could see the whole ceremony, the guests, the Gun Salute. And later when I heard that none of the second year could see it properly, then I felt glad being in the front, in the choir, wasn't all that bad.

Went through the entire ceremony, just to get my laptop within 2 minutes flat. That is pretty frustrating.

But it's here now! It's gorgeous- except for the laser imprinted ''Youth Programme''' thing on the glossy cover. :/ I'm planning on getting an attachable cover for it. There are really pretty ones out there.

No tests till the 17th. YAY.

I need to download so many movies on this thing, and spend my Spring break being captivated.

Congratulations on everyone who got a laptop, and for everyone else who hasn't got one yet but are going to! It's worth it :)