When you change and become a different person, it is best felt all at once, on a hot day. You don't feel it when it's happening slowly, just one day it hits you, like. Shit, this is me. Or shit, this is my habit. I've started having this horrible habit of keeping to myself in my room alot. I've become addicted to torrents and shows and watch everything I can get my hands on. My happiness is coming home to see all my torrents have been downloaded, and that I have something to watch with my food.
Another horrible habit. Eating with the laptop. In my room. Literally pile up food and drinks on a tray and take it upstairs. How truly horrible and selfish of me.
I think this all happened as soon as my sister got married. The room just seemed too big and too empty, and so did my heart. I tried to fill it up with as much as I could. She still lives in the same city, but I can't talk to her as much. We had this completely indescribable bond that had no name and no explanation. It was just there, and I loved it and didn't realize it until the side of her bed was empty every night. Now I call her and she can come once a week, and on the other days, she is busy with work and the maid and of course, the husband. She is the same person but a different erson. All people who have married siblings understand how I feel.
I need to kick this selfish habit. I need to sit downstairs more. With my family.
So many things have moved into motion these past few months. My parents can finally go to the United States, and my dad left just two days ago. When his flight was booked, I felt nothing. When he was packing, I felt nothing. I started to worry; am I numb? This has happened before too. I went on this great trip with my friends across the country, and for the first half of it, I felt nothing. And it worried me and gave me anxiety. But the day of the flight, I was filled with emotion and unreal-ness. Like, omG Dad is going back after 12 years. And to stay. I thought I was doomed to live in this country forever (sorry Pakistan; still love you though) Mom and little sister are up next. And I will be there soon enough, as soon as med school ends. I'm in a strange place where I want final year to ened as well as slow down so that I can enjoy my last year of freedom. After this it'll all be USMLE and prep and AMERICA. Oh sweet sweet America.
I just had melted ice cream that froze back and it was nasty. My tummy feels really weird now.
Tomorrow is OT day. Spending two hours in the operation theatre. Everytime my rotation shifts I find myself liking what I'm doing. I sort of liked Medicie; I liked Cardiology the most from it. And I really like Surgery. I thought the blood and organs would creep me out but now. It's very interesting. So what will I decide? I guess it's not that big of an issue right now.
Bye now.
