Dimmed.

What you said about it being too late to realize things, it isn't. People break up years into the relationship, just when they thought they had it right. And not necessarily because they were tolerating something for so long. Maybe there was a shock of realization, of something they always ignored- or never noticed. That now bothered them or made them question. They saw something new in that person, something they didn't like. And then they saw incompatibility seep in, saw themselves starting to count the other's flaws like stars in the sky. Reading everything like a mosaic now. The first glance, everything is so beautiful and intricate, untouchable. But stare at it long enough, and you find the mistakes. The painter's slip of the brush, the hidden things. Things that ruin it whole, and you never think again it beautiful anymore. Impression is changed. It's now ordinary.

You start to remember everything he ever said or did, to use it as a weapon. To see if he fights back, HOW he fights back when you mention it, as if it could be an indication of the coming years. And he thinks you're doing it to hurt him.

Feelings aren't substance. But neither are words. Nor thoughts. And the latter two are felt and used as foundations to create something out of thin air. Set store by feelings more too, please. They're powerful. Equally as powerful as the concrete you walk on.

Is there a point to all these talks? What if nothing changes, like so many times before? This is not a mosaic. We're not beautiful, this is not beautiful. Make it beautiful, only you can, would you? Incompatibility. There's a chance of it now. After all this time, did I miss something, did you fail to show? Am I overthinking it, or are you oversimplifying?

"Always believe, in a corner of your mind, that anything can break you. And then, nothing will."

Sadness brings out the flow. I can't wait for the day when happiness can.

Unbalance.

Finally set up my laptop to include Windows 7, and all the drivers. Feels good, one thing crossed off my list. A million more to go.

Things are missing. My camera charger. My anatomy sketchbook (it's found now. At my cousin's house) Something else that I forgot. I don't like losing things. I feel empty then. I rarely lose things anyway.

K's been ill for the past week. High grade fever, abdominal pain. The way my mind has been screwed with regarding my choice of career, only I know about. I've had to guess my sister's diagnosis about seven times so far. About 68203 people have given me advice on what pills to give, or what injections, or IV infusions. Taken her to four doctors, each of them giving a different diagnosis. It's not malaria. Or jaundice. Or dengue. If it's just a simple fever, why won't it go away? My medical knowledge has been supremely tested, and my entire set up of life has been turned upside down. Priorities change when your family is in danger. 

When Mom needed to have her surgery, I was on prof leave, so I could be able to juggle visits to the hospital + studying + taking care of the house. Somehow, I did, and somehow I ended up with 403/600, a number I thought was impossible for me. But this time, my sister's illness is overtaking everything else (as it should). I've missed a Biochem viva not once, but twice, have nothing prepared for the coming substage or Biochem test, Histo copy SO incomplete that I'm afraid of even getting it checked, and missed two days of college and an out-of-city trip (which my friends are currently on right now as I write this). And it's making me really miserable. I need everything to fit, like a puzzle, so that I can get all the important things done in my life. I hate this feeling.

If anyone was to ask me any question in the world right now, I'd only have one answer. "I just want my sister to get better and recover fully back to health." Remember her in your prayers please.

Guests over, chai to make, histo diagrams to complete. Will go now. 

P.S. I am aware that this is a pessimistic post. And lacking any sense of poetic edge that I am so desperately craving. But it's allowed for now. Life is certainly looking down.

Worshipping the weather as my eyelids get heavier.

I've been staying in Old Lahore for a few days now, and will be back home tomorrow. I come here almost every day anyway, for university, but I remain within classes, never enough time to go out and explore. I'm here, and I find this place mesmerizing. It's been ruined by the traffic, and a little spruced up by the new blue signboards denoting where the Canal is, or different streets are (tarakki Pakistan! Thank you.). But strip all of that away, and Old Lahore is brilliant.
I want to buy kolapuri shoes from Anarkali.
Beautiful affordable prints from Shadmaan.
Eat pathooray from Food Street.
Walk alongside the fountains of Shalimar Gardens.
Gol gappay from Mall Road.
Remember death by looking at Miani Sahib.
The huge, towering Chuburji Chowk.
Watch a sunset from the centre of the courtyard of Baadshahi Mosque.

History is incredible here. Add this gorgeous weather, and there's a heart filled with desire.