My dreams are taking over me. I would hear about people having recurring dreams all the time and never understood. My dreams were always separate, fragmented, and had no connection. Not anymore.
The most common recurring dream is about H. Me and him somehow are still in contact, and we text each other, and when we visit each other in dreams, I am always asking him why it's been weeks since he texted me. In the real world, me and him haven't spoken since October 2018. I don't know what my brain is trying to tell me. Wasn't my closure achieved? I would be a liar if I said I don't occasionally peep onto his Instagram every now and then. I am also 100% telling the truth when I say that I don't obsess over him at all. Having recurring dreams is a nightmare. I don't feel guilty about it but I also don't have any solution, so I want them to disappear.
My dreams in general have been dark and sordid anyway. People I know dying. A lot of crying.
The final year of residency. Senior. Third-year. Done with my fellowship interviews. Hoping and praying and willing to get the fellowship I want, closer to home. It is so true when people say that money isn't everything. I miss my family so often. Was back in NC for four days and it wasn't enough. I live in a beautiful tropical place that is ten minutes from the beach and I am bored. Because there is only a limit to which I am a homebody and I've reached it. I need socialization. Told Sh about it (never talked about Sh here. Best friend in residency. Met him on interview day and have been tight ever since) and he says "Why didn't you tell me? I just always assumed you were busy." Another friend I recently made said we should hang out soon too. I will take her up on that offer. I've had back-to-back floor rotations, ICU, and now night float and I'm burned out in a not-work-related way. I'm just bored with life.
I wish I was the kind of person that you read about in books, that could dress up and go to a coffee shop and sit on the chair outside, legs crossed and deep in thought, enjoying a croissant and a latte. I have a coffee shop near my house. I always think about doing it. I should do it.
I watched Squid Game. I finished season three of You. Upon A's persistent request, I've started watching Downton Abbey. I like it. Currently on night 6/13 and will watch it once I'm done with this post.
Parents are coming in 10 days to visit for a week. Match Day in December. Then (finally) Iceland in March. Then Coldplay (eeeeeek!) in June. Expensive-as-fuck tickets for that one. Then graduation. So many things to be shivering in anticipation for.
Then why does my soul feel so empty?
Cuz I've been scared of crowded places,
Come with me, I'll take you home
