A streak across the parallels.

The only way you can know how you've changed is when you're presented again with the same situation, and you deal with it differently. For ten months of the year, that is what happened. Stressful situations found me having a cooler head than last time. Emotional moments found me much more stronger, and holding up. If somebody said something that hurt me, I had a much better, acceptable reaction. I liked this.

Until H had to go back to the States.

And I found myself at square one all over again.

With the helpless feeling, me checking Flightstats everytime his flight is supposed to land, and when he does get there, getting used to him not being here, not calling him, and only having contact through the internet. I don't like this.

I'm not sad at being found out that I didn't actually change. I just dislike this feeling. I wish I could properly describe it. As in, it's a weird feeling. Like, there's nothing I can do about anything, although I sorely wish I could. This "jolt" in my schedule. I'm a carefully planned and controlled person. Any shift in events causes me to panic. And boy, this is one hell of a shift in events. 

He's still en route, and my mind has lost its proper frame of thought. Aaargh. I can't wait until a few proper days pass, and familiarity in an old-but-new place sets in. This is hard.

Less than the feeling, what's harder is the ''back to square one'' again. Does this actually mean that no matter how much I change this self image and after all the compartmentalization and prioritizing, I will STILL feel this way when he leaves every year? I'm not even sure if this is good or bad. 

I'm overthinking this way too much. Let's give myself another jolt back to reality. Brain substage in 3 days. Had a great time with friends yesterday, going out for dinner. Italian food is beyond, amazing. Heavy. And yet still so creamy delicious. I can never get enough of it.

Picture day was today. For us friends, an "official" photo for second year. I like the sound of that, documenting a photo for every year, where we all are standing in the same place. Very vintage. Very sentimental. I guess, in the end I'll always be like this. And it's time I start being okay with that.

Charlie Brown is an amazing pick-me-up song. The music is so lifting. Maybe only for me. 

Checked Flightstats again. Landed in London. Things will ease up soon enough.

Experience + Experiments.

My laptop attracts my siblings like a flower attracts bees. I now have a cluttered desktop, with half of the icons not even mine. Not cool. Not cool at all -.-

Today was amazing and terrifying in so so many ways. Took the day off college because the classes weren't so important. I have a viva the next day AND YET, I didn't study a single word. Not one. So unlike me. Watched TV and went online all day (checked Facebook a handful of times) Successive shows: Masterchef Aus, White Collar, Two and a Half Men and How I Met Your Mother. Aaah.

I'll somehow wing the viva tomorrow, I'm not worried about it. :)

I'm starting to think deeper about my friends in Uni. They started out as people I could just hang with during college hours, and sometimes text. The thing is, when you're coming into a professional degree, starting at Bachelor level, you have to go in remembering that everyone already has their social circle set up. They have their old friends, their private jokes, and their long standing years of relationships with other people. Something I'm glad I found out early on. And the group I'm with, it's just that: people with different lives, all colliding together on a daily basis, talking about studies and sometimes, the occasional hang out. But it's not solid, it's not "I'll be your shoulder to cry on" sort of thing. Which I both liked and disliked. I told myself that within a year or two, by the end of second year, I'd be a better judge of who everyone is, and where we should all stand. And now being in that position, I'm right. I know now. No names being mentioned (or rather, no initials, as I use). But I think I know who I'll be spending more time with, someone who's not exactly the emotional type, but is more or less how I am. And with that discovery, I also know who I'll be spending LESS time with. People who I can feel the indifference from, who I can sense the lack of interests. We're a group of seven, and yet occurrences like two people not texting for months actually occurs. *shrugs* Happens. 

I never went in expecting everything to be hunky dory and lovey dovey. I went in for a medical degree and good, solid dependability. No drama, no more drama. That's for when you're in a hormonal rage at 15-18 years old, and have the "YOLO" motto stamped across your forehead. Only to realize later, you're filled with regret and you're spending the next ten years of your life making good, mature decisions in order to cover the tracks. It's just better, simpler, wiser to be more mature about everything. Really. 

H leaving for the States is finally getting to me. I knew it would hit me the moment I would get done with my Biochemistry test, because up until then, that test was the only thing I would let my mind worry about. Hey, but it's okay. It happens every year. And there's no such thing as "I can't live without you". And nor will I make myself or anything else an emotional mess about it. Bas, theek hai. I'm fine, he's fine, we're fine. And we will be. 

This summer is hot. I don't like it. It goes as high as 121 degrees Fahrenheit in the afternoons. Mhm. And I especially don't like feeling weak and tired all the time, even after my proper doses of sleep. I've been ODing on tea too much for tests,and it's making my stomach hurt.

You know "Bokeh":

Why can't we see this with the naked eye? Why does all the beautiful stuff have to be captured in DSLR cameras and auto focused or some other feature? I think things like this are beyond gorgeous. I could get lost in lights like those. And every other beautiful picture I see, with light rays from the Sun.

For some reason the song "Charlie Brown" comes in my head with scenes like these. And I think the urge to fall into these pictures and leave reality is my subconscious crying out for freedom. I need to stop being my own psychoanalyst.

More experiments and thought ponderings for later.

No cure.

It's back to writer's block. I've been sitting here, cross-legged on the bed, laptop in hand, staring at the screen, then switching tabs, then staring back at it.  At the Blogger's "Create Post" page.

I have no insight, no inspiration, no thoughts to collect. This is actually hurting me.

Let's see.

-College is coming to an end, something I am so thankful for. MBBS is something I love, but it just sucks you in, in the middle of things, and you can't wait to get out. It's been so much more easier this year, because we know the ropes, the tips and tricks. So everything is under control. That's all I needed. Two/three more tests, just a liiitle more focus, and then I can look forward to book reading, Wiki-trolling, and sleeping. Sleeping. All day. 

-It's also coming back to that time of the year again, when H has to go back to the States for his ritualistic two months. Sad this year, no. It's nice to know my mind has happily accepted it without any grudge or misgivings. It's also nice to see myself change this way emotionally as I get older every year. It's difficult right now to put my thoughts into words, so I'll settle for another post on it, another day.

Everything seems to be wrapping up, doesn't it? 

-The heat is torture. Summers here are not fun at all. I wish I could whine about it as much as I wanted, but for God's sake, this is a twenty two year old here. 

-Found the camera charger. Want to take so many pictures, and yet I don't know why I haven't yet. 

-It's been one year since our house has been robbed. Still faintly traumatizing to remember.

-Why is it that everytime I buy Knorr noodles to eat because I assume there'll be no food in the house, there's always food in the house? The packet is just sitting there, on my sidetable.Waiting.

-People I like following need to blog more.

Sleepy now. I need this writer's block to fade away.

Phosphene thoughts.

It's amazingly cool weather outside and my sister has the air conditioner on in here. How lame.

Facebook is beyond boring now, it's stupid. I strongly dislike it when I see so-and-so wrote on my Timeline (I hate Timeline. Wall. Wrote on my Wall) and it's just another quiz desperate and begging to be taken. No, I won't take it. It's not true. Who still believes ''What Does Your Name Mean?'' quizzes are true anyway? Your name means what it literally means. Bas. Theek hai? Stop polluting my Wall.

This June I will be besieged with tests of every sort- Histology, Physiology, Biochemistry, and the usual Anatomy. Double minded on this. One, I don't like studying a lot. Yet- I love being busy and having something productive to do. Laziness feels so good physically, and so yucky mentally. 

Sat on the edge of the bed yesterday, alone in my room, and talked myself out of being sad and depressed. Forcing words out of my mouth, to drag my mind away. Especially since I was being that way because of H. A long time ago, the mental decision was made that he would not have that power over me. A call is missed, it's missed. Don't guilt trip yourself into it. So you couldn't text back because you became busy out of nowhere. No reason to feel sorry for yourself or for him waiting for you (which he might not even be). You know the feeling for when you're waiting for somebody's text so bad, that you check your phone every 30 seconds, and whenever a text does come, your heart leaps, but then it's not him/her? I trained that feeling out of me. Doesn't happen anymore. Can you do that?

 I find myself making up sentences, horrible harsh sentences. Break up sentences. Uncomfortable truth sentences. And hearing them in my head- in his voice. Training again? So that he was ever to say any of it, I could be content and think oh it's okay, I've heard it all before. And it wouldn't hurt as much. If at all.

Steering this away now. I want more new clothes. I'll go to the tailor again tomorrow. I've been obsessed with stitching my own tops as well. I guess that's what happens when you have too many friends from PSFD posting up their work.

I'm going to learn how to cook AND sew this summer. Along with juggling Ramadan and studying for my send ups. Deal.

I wonder where my commenters have gone.

Let's walk through here.

Don't think.

I am deliberately avoiding writing in here. I don't know why, just some feeling of pushing it all away. What way, I don't know that either. My second or third tab to open, everytime I come online, is Blogger. And I do open it. Just to shut it again. I will just keep on writing, to see what I can come up with.

I went to go see the "Avengers" today. It was good enough. Robert Downey Jr. is so funny. Before this, last night I saw the 4th installment of "Pirates of the Carribean", and then somewhere in the last week I watched "Inception" for the first time. I've never watched so many movies in one week. It's making me wonder what my favorite type of genre is regarding movies. I don't know. Chick flicks and romantic movies put me off. No matter how practical they make it, it always has some lame effect to make it impractical. I don't like that. "Valentine's Day" was good though, it seemed less lame-ish.
 A told me to watch its counterpart, "New Year's Eve". Okay, A. I will.

Today is a free, open, do-whatever-you-want Sunday. Done with tests for the moment, done with the Abdomen and Pelvis stage, today I have enough room to be flexible and move around. Which feels good.

I like it when random questions pop into my head through the course of a day, like "Why do Sardaars wear pugs?" or "What type of sunglasses will suit my face shape?" and I save them in my phone, and then go home and find out. It's like a quest to find things out through my otherwise boring life. Yes, despite all the hangouts with friends and tests and errands to run and clothes to give to the tailor and studying to do, I am bored. Bored out of my mind. I catch myself thinking, every other moment, that this is not the way to live at all. You're supposed to be happy. I once asked W what he wanted to be when he grew up. He said he wanted to be happy. Back then, I didn't get it, and now I do.

Look, life is always going to be busy, it's always going to keep throwing things at you, the older you get. You have to deal with more things, added on to your schedule like brick after brick, and the load gets heavier too. Why lose yourself in all that? Why not find out what makes you happy, and go do it? Why not actually sit down, clear your mind of all responsibility, deadlines, timings, and see what you like, what you want to do? It's such a simple solution, and yet even I don't do it. I wake up, go to Uni every day, and get caught up there.
I thought I would like it this way, so that I wouldn't have to look back at the fight me and H had the night before, or anything else that would bring me down. I would learn to move on. And that led to unrequited feelings, lack of vents, and making even the biggest of deals sound like a small one. Like if you needed help from someone, but you've been trying so hard to show them that you don't need help, that in the end they get used to it, and even seeing you in the troublest of times, won't trouble them at all. Big deal turned into nothing. Turned into a habit, or taking you for granted.

I want to stop being bored. I want to stop using Uni and hangouts and countless, pointless other things as fillers in my life. I want no more awkward silences, no formalities, and definitely no more unhappiness.

That was a 4 minute thought process right there, that was so continuous, it could make stagnant water flow.


H cannot be any more static than he is right now. And for a very long time, I've been under the water about what to do about it. Bring both our busy lives in, we refuse to address anything. If I take the stand, and bring it up. H: "We will talk about this until it gets better, and we can solve every problem." Before you or I know it, we turn our backs to one another and go on with our own lives. His nightly phone calls don't increase communication; you can hear our voices muffled through the veil we've chosen to put up. He's chosen. I haven't.
Ultimatum. It's such a heavy word, it implies so much. You win AND you lose. Always. I find myself unconsciously preparing myself for the losing part. Deliberately hearing words like "You're right, we should break up, it's for the best", in his voice, in my head. To hear it so much that if he ever actually says it, I'll be atleast semi-prepared.
Nothing in my world is ever without preparation.

Enough of the depressive talk. I'm actually getting sick of hearing myself. I think that's why I avoided Blogger. But I'm still not deleting this post. It should be like a reminder.

Food now, and some teenage rant music. Byebye.