Enchanted.

An awesome father daughter moment(s) today. Me asking my dad what country each city belonged to, and him not only telling me the correct answer, but also a story to go along with it.

Me: What about Budapest? Where is it?
Dad: *scoffs* I've been there beta. It's in Romania.
Me: Ha! Hungary!
Dad: Which reminds me...

 Having a father who's traveled halfway across the world is definitely a perk. I know where my love of airports, flying, and world traveling have come from. It's the blood.
Actually, a lot of who I am comes from him. My feeling of not being appreciated enough. Holding my anger in for the little things so that there can be a hysterical mess by a slight trigger,later. The need to feel/want independent for the sake of survival. 
The way I look.
My dad's awesome in so many ways. Also, not in other ways. But that's private, isn't it? For the family to know.

Cousin K, who had cancer. Mentioned in a blog post somewhere in May 2011. It's turned terminal. After months of worry, a sigh of relief, followed by more months of her regaining health. And her fresh face, and deep belly laughs. We get a CT scan showing the cancer has metastasized, and there's nothing we can do about it except wait.
She still doesn't know.
This has been known to me longer than just this week. I just choose not to tell sometimes. Maybe there are some things you'll never know. Maybe some things that you'll only know. And this is one thing that you cannot even think about properly. How many times in life do you get the chance to know that somebody is going to go? Let it be known though: It makes no difference. The pain is the same. Grief even more extended. You get more time to say goodbye, but when the end comes,it'll still feel the same, albeit a small, small difference.
She's my age.
Thoughts of her have already filled every particle of my brain, so. Let's stop for now.

She lives in Old Lahore, so let's divert to that. Mentioned before, I love Old Lahore. Especially Chuburji. No, not the druggies hanging around the actual monument, or the choked overflowing sewers. The insane traffic. None of that. I can just look at Chuburji Chowk, and imagine how it was back in 1929. 
The chaar burj has so much culture soaked into its walls. If only they could talk. If only I could properly go inside and see.

For now I'll settle with culture that I can take with me and carry.

I love these.

You think you know it all.

I should be studying

Usually, most of the time, we should be doing something else, and we're actually doing something more destructive/waste of time/less important.

This is one of those things. But I'm okay with it. For years, I spend thinking of ways to calm myself down and not let exams or the pressure of things get to me. People say take chamomile tea, take a walk, sleep for a little bit. In the end, advice, is only advice, right? Applicable on your own terms. If you want, it can affect you. And if you don't, you can just as easily dismiss it from your mind. You can implement what people tell you to, and if it doesn't work, you can either feel hopeless, or keep on looking.

I'm a controlling person by nature. And not necessarily controlling OTHER people; I control myself, regarding everything. And if something doesn't go as I planned it, I feel as if I've failed. I wouldn't call it a disorder or anything, but it's definitely been a big part of my life and who I am and what I do. Main thing: I start panicking if my preparation for an exam isn't up to the mark. 

But right before the Physiology send up, I didn't take the days seriously. On purpose. I just "let go". And saying it and writing it sounds so easy, but look: it took me years to do it. 

Naturally, minutes before the paper I was hyperventilating, but it went alright, and I will pass. I really just took a step in realizing what REALLY is important and what isn't. And that in the end, I'm human. I'm not something that has to be controlled, or should be controlled at all hours of the day. This is a place filled with people who make mistakes every day. And plans almost never go according to plan Why worry?

Life lesson right there, basically.

New phone. Asha 306. I like it, got everything I need. I would like a capacitive touch, but I'm not complaining. 

And now, I can feel my head nodding off even though I'm supposed to get some semblance of Protein metabolism done for Biochemistry. Life lesson not applicable anymore.

Circumventricular Organs.

Today was a day of sorts.
Don't get me wrong, it was your usual lazy day. Didn't leave the house. Studied Brain. Took breaks. Set Grey's Anatomy Season 1 on download.
And the afternoon was startlingly bright, with sun. But the clouds came in the way, creating a nice little effect with rays shining between the partings. It gave the whole street an honest, florescent blue color.
A mug of tea gives me a headache. A cup of tea isn't enough. But tea with baqar khaani in it and eaten like cereal is just the right amount ♥
Send up on Monday and it seems unbelievable. Lots of things seem unbelievable right now, actually. I know for a fact that what I'm doing for the moment, isn't living. I'm more farther away from religion that I ever thought I could be, and my day begins and ends with studying. It's been that way for about a month, and I need to break free soon. Last year during send up week, I gave up on studying hard, and just grazed through books for the vivas (resulting in me failing the Physio and Biochem ones). And I think history is going to repeat itself on that one.
I want a Euro trip, BEYOND badly. Two flights, one in, one out, and the rest of your time through trains and cars. I want to model. And not for the money, nothing for the money. For the experience. For time well spent before I'm on call and interning, and running around and getting my residency done.

Now I will go. Because I don't have anything else to say.

Clutch.

Opening this "Create Post" page scares me a little sometimes.

Studying session is FULLY on. It's come to the point where I don't remember a day when I haven't studied. I really don't like that It's always, wake up, make yourself a steaming mug of tea, and get down to studying. And it used to be, "if you're tired, nap for awhile". Now, it's "if you're tired, slow down but KEEP STUDYING". Time is running out and I'm feeling it badly. Even though these are send ups, not even the real prof! I take stress way too much, way too seriously. I take a lot of things too seriously. I wish I knew how to loosen up.

Today, I took a break...sort of. Talked to W on the phone after ages. I haven't gone to Islamabad in literally three years, and that sucks. Because I love it there. And talking to W only made me miss him and Isb more. There are things I can talk about with him that I can't talk about with anyone else. And it's officially like, the best friendship I've ever had, regarding how much he listens to me rant all the time. And half the time I know I'm talking about things that don't matter to him at all, like H's smoking, or MBBS being a bitch, or me and my sister fighting, and he still has a comment to give here and there. Like, he's properly listening. Something guys don't do. They just block out what they don't want to hear.

And I realized today, I have this strange sort of confidence in him. As in, if I was to find out that I wasn't HIS best friend (which isn't true) or if he decided to not talk properly for a few months (which has happened before) I just know that he'll always still be the same guy. Guess it all goes down to the fact that I literally grew up with him, and all those times we fought to be allowed to stay awake past midnight when we were thirteen year olds. And when he told me about his first crush when our families were travelling to Sukkur in a train, at 14. When I got my heart broken the first time, at 16. When he had his first smoke, at 18.

I should definitely write about W more. Because in this stressed out frazzled life I'm living nowadays, he's the only one who's able to bring laughter out from the deepest part of me. Trip for Islamabad is done (in my head) for after send ups. It's been too much, and too long.

H has just landed back into Pakistan after his two month stay in the States. Just like last time, I have no idea what I'm supposed to feel and so, I refuse to. Just stay neutral-ish, I guess. It's a dead end, 'm just being the naive one and trying to peer through the brickholes to see if there's another road. I find so many faults with him, it's annoying me. I'm hoping it's just a phase. My thoughts became way too self destructive at night, when I'm waiting to fall asleep. And thankfully, I wake up with all of that forgotten. But now, I'm dreading the nights for it. 

Because of that much-deserved phone call, I am now behind one chapter of studying, according to my schedule.  No regrets. My days are scheduled with a stopwatch, and for now, it's the best I can do. Sanity will prevail after September 24th.