The Tug.

 This is such a good song. Listen to it, S. It says Don't freak out, you're only twenty something. It doesn't relate to me, though.

W, you're twenty something in your heart. 

And then that inexplicable tug that I've felt before, happens again. It's always to ethereal music like this. All I can say is. My heart will forever belong to H2.

But my mind will always be my own.

Foggyness.

 My dreams are taking over me. I would hear about people having recurring dreams all the time and never understood. My dreams were always separate, fragmented, and had no connection. Not anymore.

The most common recurring dream is about H. Me and him somehow are still in contact, and we text each other, and when we visit each other in dreams, I am always asking him why it's been weeks since he texted me. In the real world, me and him haven't spoken since October 2018. I don't know what my brain is trying to tell me. Wasn't my closure achieved? I would be a liar if I said I don't occasionally peep onto his Instagram every now and then. I am also 100% telling the truth when I say that I don't obsess over him at all. Having recurring dreams is a nightmare. I don't feel guilty about it but I also don't have any solution, so I want them to disappear.

My dreams in general have been dark and sordid anyway. People I know dying. A lot of crying. 

The final year of residency. Senior. Third-year. Done with my fellowship interviews. Hoping and praying and willing to get the fellowship I want, closer to home. It is so true when people say that money isn't everything. I miss my family so often. Was back in NC for four days and it wasn't enough. I live in a beautiful tropical place that is ten minutes from the beach and I am bored. Because there is only a limit to which I am a homebody and I've reached it. I need socialization. Told Sh about it (never talked about Sh here. Best friend in residency. Met him on interview day and have been tight ever since) and he says "Why didn't you tell me? I just always assumed you were busy." Another friend I recently made said we should hang out soon too. I will take her up on that offer. I've had back-to-back floor rotations, ICU, and now night float and I'm burned out in a not-work-related way. I'm just bored with life.

I wish I was the kind of person that you read about in books, that could dress up and go to a coffee shop and sit on the chair outside, legs crossed and deep in thought, enjoying a croissant and a latte. I have a coffee shop near my house. I always think about doing it. I should do it.

I watched Squid Game. I finished season three of You. Upon A's persistent request, I've started watching Downton Abbey. I like it. Currently on night 6/13 and will watch it once I'm done with this post.

Parents are coming in 10 days to visit for a week. Match Day in December. Then (finally) Iceland in March. Then Coldplay (eeeeeek!) in June. Expensive-as-fuck tickets for that one. Then graduation. So many things to be shivering in anticipation for.

Then why does my soul feel so empty? 

Cuz I've been scared of crowded places,

Come with me, I'll take you home

Pink palm trees.

 Lexapro is way better than Sertraline. Just saying. Lexapro is giving me gratitude vibes. It's making me feel like I am on the outside of my life, looking in, and being appreciative of everything. 

HQ finally has a job (furloughed since June 2020), one that is going to jumpstart his career into gaming and one that will finally make him happy. He was subtly envious of me when I would go to the hospital to take care of patients, because he knew this residency meant everything to me.

Many financial issues got solved. Three months until I'm in my final year of IM residency. Life is good. Life is content. Life is smooth. I am astonished that I don't have things to worry about. Worrying isn't my baseline anymore. It's living. 

You have to play the main character in your own life.

Because if you don't

Life will pass you by. 

Half everything.

 I sleep in half sleeps. 

I dream in half dreams.

To the last hundred days (old revived post)

I wrote this in August 2019. Had it saved and never finished it. And I'm not going to finish it, I'm going to just hit publish. Because unfinished is sometimes how I feel.

A lot can happen in a hundred days. 

I could get married. 

I could uproot my whole existence and decide to start it in a brand new state 800 miles away, with a brand new being.

I could become a person who starts drifting to sleep at 11pm, when at one point I was a night owl.

But.

I couldn't tell you why I blast my music while driving home from the hospital, and listen to Cornelia street and remember H. 

I couldn't tell you because I don't know. It's not like I miss him. There was no "him". There was the figment of him, the belief that he was someone good and pure, when in reality he was just like all the others. I feel nothing. I just like the nostalgic feeling of heartbreak sometimes. Maybe to remember what I've lost? Or simply to relish in how far I've come.
I wish I could cook. I feel so guilty coming home every night with food from the hospital for me and the husband, knowing that I've gained 10 pounds and it's not due to the wedding, it's due to gross hospital food. Plus at one point you tend to start thinking about where your food comes from. And you just want to make your own. Simple. We have an Instant Pot. I found a blog with desi Instant Pot recipes. I will make some.
Everything I've worked for is finally here, and I'm finally living it. And I don't mind waking up at 4 in the morning, or coming back at times when the sky is dark, meaning I never saw the light that day. The hours pass by so fast, it's unreal and amazing at the same time. I just wish there were more hours in the day so I wouldn't have to plan my days off like a military schedule.
The husband. Known him for nearly three years. Living with him is a whole new ball game. It's taking its time. It's learning, and unlearning, and relearning. It's all new.

Of tide and time.

When somebody tells you that your life can change in a moment, and all previous feelings you've had before can calm down with time, believe it. 

I opened up this journal for the first time in a very long while and read previous posts- and it feels like a past life. I don't remember feeling the ways I mentioned. I see very clearly now how me and H had a hollowed-out relationship, basically friends with deep feelings if you will. How I had to rearrange everything, my very soul to fit into his schedule, his lack of communication, everything. Reading all those old posts in succession put in into perspective. But that's neither here nor there. I haven't spoken to him directly in four years. 

It's a new H now. Let's call him HQ. And we're married. what? It's been 1.5 years. See what I mean by time and life changing in a moment? Who knows, maybe this blog might become the grievance committee for his wrongdoings. Or it may be a marriage experience journal. My wedding was everything I wanted it to be. Royal, dark, gold, Mughal-esque. That's a little unfair though. He is miles ahead of what H was. And in a lot of other ways, miles behind. I'll talk about that some other time. 

I wrote in another post about doing USMLE and "trying to kick residency ass" (God I thought I was so cool) well, I'm kicking it. A year and a half into it already. It feels like a dream at times, to finally be doing what I've been planning for the past 3 years. And now that I'm in it, I'm so consumed by it that I forget to be grateful at times. I stop in the hallways of my hospital and times and think wait. this is it. i'm in it. my career. my life. I still definitely struggle with keeping myself present but I'm trying. 

I'm sitting on my comfy bed, in a beautiful tropical state, working for a university program...this is eons and eras away from where I was just 5 years ago. H is still where he is. A Hajj travel agent I think. And also a voice artist for some Instagrammer. I'm amused. 

This post is probably lacking some poise and wisdom. I'm just coming back to terms with my writing side. Blogging is slightly harder when you're in a happier place. I could flow more easily when I was sad. 

Until then, here's a glimpse of new life.