21.

 21!

Cheers! To the drinking age (though it means nothing to me, I swear upon it, I'm a straight laced Muslim!) to the official ''adult, to more responsibilities, more plans for the future. To the new friends I've made in med school who will witness my antics, to the more people who will start to take me seriously, and to the old mates who know I'll still, always, maybe will be a kid. To more books, less tears, neutral days and even brighter nights. To cups of coffee (shared with A, presumably) to sleeping with make up on, to gaining more strength and confidence day by day.

I love my birthdays. They are honestly that one day of the year where NOTHING can or should go wrong. It's the day where being realistic is thrown out the window, and everything is optimistic. I'll hug everyone, kiss everyone, and dance with everyone. 

27th September. Yay!

Hyperactive.

Sendups.

Practicals.

Vivas.

Are the over.

Oh yes.

I am really very happy. Even though it means I might spend this week literally wasting away in front of the laptop and TV, atleast I don't have to feel like I'm under pressure all the time. And my deteriorating health has made it all the more worse. I couldn't even focus on send ups properly!

So the goals are: 

1.To get my health back on track

2. To immediately start making a new schedule to study for profs, since they are literally just around the corner, and I want to do better than just a ''pass''. Everybody wants that.

I talked about my feelings last night. With H. I am neither telling the exact content, nor the outcome. I feel like it's best if I keep it to myself. I'm building that wall up again, but now I'm so used to it that it feels natural and I don't feel guilty or anything. So it's all good. :) Just know that the feelings have been spoken of, and we have all moved on. Now I'm gonna start looking at the finer things in life. Like what I have planned for me ahead.

ISLAMABAD! I'm sure the plan is on. It better be. Me and A (who was also mentioned as V once in this blog, I just checked. I'm gonna call her A now) might make a meet up plan in Isloo. Which sounds strangely obsessive, since I've spent the last 10 months with her in med school, but hey- being a girl and meeting up with friends somewhere outside of your residential city is a cause for excitement. Seriously.

But even if that plan doesn't work out, I'm spending my birthday in Islamabad! I hope I get a really chocolately thick cake from The Chocolate Factory. People better go all out for my birthday, I'm serious. 21 is no joke. Look at my face. Does it look like I'm joking? :/

 

Weird crazy fact: My hotmail ID got hacked a few days ago. Another fun fact: This wasn't the first time. It's probably...the sixth time. Somebody has the time and the energy to go keylogging my password until they find the correct combination, and then decide to hack it. In a way, I feel special.

Is that weird?

Haha. 

But anyway. 

Back to seriousness and wanting-to-kill-hackers mode.

I've decided to change my email ID for good, and switch all my old emails from the old ID to the new one. IT TOOK ALL AFTERNOON. Approximately 4 hours. It was crazy. But it's done, so if anybody hacks my ID again, it'll be empty, and I won't even want to retrieve it.

I've been awake since early morning, 7:45am. After sleeping at around 6am. Because my parents had to go out of city. Karachi. It is scary. I am calling them frequently to warn them from even stepping outside the house they're staying in. They should be home tomorrow. They better be. We gotta get an Islamabad scene on!

I am now going to put AA batteries in my dying electronic clock, and read ''The Starter Wife'' by Gigi Levangie, for the second time. Freedom.

Standing Alone.

It's 4:12am right now, I'm only up because I have a Biochemistry practical in a few hours, and I've only studied 75% of the course. The rest I can do in a while, so I'm not worried.

What I am worried about, however, is my health. Something is DEFINITELY failing. And I have no idea what it is! God. This began since the beginning of September, when my papers began. And this is the main reason for why my papers did not go as well as they should've. I was drowning in tissues half the time. 

I'm becoming a doctor, and I can't even figure myself out?!

Symptoms: Very very heavy head, tired all the time, blocked nose, which tends to run whenever there's a change in temperature in the air, general muscle weakness,difficulty in breathing,no effect even after I take anti-allergy medicine or Panadol and Panadol CF.

I would be more than grateful if somebody could tell me what is wrong. I've already been to so many doctors and they're all telling me it's just hay fever, or happening because of a change in the weather. 

I feel like I'm dying. Not to scare you or anything.

Okay. So, the Islamabad trip MIGHT be postponed for a little while. Which has gotten me feeling all sorts of sad, because I was really looking forward to it. Also, tomorrow after I come home I'm going to make a schedule to study for the profs. I love love love making schedules. It's so much fun. Really. Then it's even more fun when I complete the amount I had to study for the day and I can tick mark it off the schedule.

..Oh my God, I sound like a nerd, don't I?

I hope I don't get TOO sick of MBBS. Because I've noticed that I've wanted these exams over more than I've wanted anything else this whole year. Or maybe it's because of my whole tabyat being khraab that I felt this way. I'll know for sure at prof time.

I'm starting to get addicted to chai. Fun fact: I've been making chai for my parents ever since I was 12 years old, but I've actually only started tasting the chai I make NOW, at the age of 20. I had no idea what stuff I was serving my parents. Haha. So, I discovered, I make a pretty rivalled cup of tea. And I like mine with lots of sugar. I hope it doesn't turn out to be an addiction though. Cuz I don't like getting addicted to one thing. It'll make me a hypocrite to what I say to H. About being addicted to smoking. Although he doesn't like to call it addicted. He calls it a ''habit.''

Pfft. He's just dressing up the word ''addicted.''

I'll talk about my feelings here soon, if I feel like. If I want to. Like I used to. Just trying to avoid that for now. It used to be the hardest thing in the world, to go by my day without telling someone how I felt, it being displayed all over my face. And now, it's all denial. 

My Ideal Breakfast.

As I was writing my previous post, my mom was berating me for not eating properly and being picky with food and kept on asking me to have milk. That got me thinking. What do I like to eat? So in the span of 30 milliseconds, I decided to put up a picture post of what I like to eat for breakfast AND I WILL ACCEPT NOTHING ELSE.

Hopefully mom mom will get to see this and she will stock up our refrigerator.

Actually, half the stuff on this list, you can't even find in this desi, godforsaken, paratha-khao country.  I mean you can, but it's not like a daily thing. And you can't find it in every corner store. Like you can in the States.

So yeah.

*sniff* See NOW why I miss the US so much? They got good food.

And of course:

No desi food for me. Sorry. 

What's your ideal breakfast? Can you eat parathas for breakfast? Cuz then you're very, VERY strong willed.

Aimless.

I should've studied today, atleast one chapter of Physio. ANS. Because I didn't do that in the paper. But I decided to sleep for 5 hours and then wake up feeling drunk. These last three days have been hectic, to say the least. Day after day of vivas and practicals and worry. It gets to you.

Plus I'm a very picky eater and by coincidence, my mom has been making food that I don't like at all.

Yellow daal.

Aloo gobi.

So I've been starving for the past few days. Except yesterday when I ordered two shawarmas from my favorite shop.

Except that they made my tummy upset.

So I basically felt really ill this morning.

I still have a stupid flu. It won't go away! I feel like my nose and brain is clogged ALL THE TIME. It gets hard to breathe,even. :/  And I hate having to use tissues so often. It gets annoying, especially when you use tissues so much that little pieces start to break off and stick to your face and then you just look retarded. And the flu comes and goes whenever it wants. I'll be sitting in a room, and BAM! Sneeze attack. Followed by sniffling. And a runny nose. And a horrible bodily feeling. Haye, please make it stop. It's such an on and off thing. It's really starting to piss me off.

Dengue is starting to scare me too. Though it hasn't happened to me yet. But it's a serious epidemic now in Lahore. I have friends in my first year class who have it. They missed their vivas and practicals. Luckkyy.

It's that time of the year. Season change. Where summer is turning into fall. I should change my wardrobe soon.

Today's Anatomy spotting went so weird, I don't even want to talk about it. Okay? Okay. After that, me and my sister went to Punjab University to submit her admissions form. She applied for two degrees, Masters in Human Resources and Masters in Mass Communication. Pray she gets into one, I really want her to continue her studies. I've always disliked the fact that she went to College of Home Economics, even though it's a fairly good reputed college here. I disliked it because of her degree. It doesn't all much room for further studies in anything except Home Ec. Which is very...limited, basically.

I'm gonna study loads tomorrow. Just watch.

I'm clean, squeaky clean, I just took a shower.

I wonder what H is doing right now. I hope he can come tomorrow to my place to give me the stuff he bought me from America. Not super excited about that, since it's just foodstuff, and lotion. But it's seeing him after 2 months that's got me excited!

My birthday is coming up. And the coolest bit is that there are sales EVERYWHERE and on EVERYTHING. Upto 50% off. I'm so going to take advantage of this,I want more and more clothes! :D Becoming 21 is so cool. From now on, every year that I get older will be really cool, because it's the actual adult stage. Past 20s. Away from that awkward teenage stage. Moving on and forward with your life. Awesome. :)

Equilibrium.

So the curious question: How have I been? 

Stressed beyond belief is the honest answer. I know the stress has reached enormous levels because I've started getting ''stress ulcers'' in my mouth (A told me about them, she got them too.) They're only starting to disappear, and I noticed that they began to on the day of my last paper. Lol.

But the nightmare is far from over. I still have practicals and vivas to give. Ugh. And my first viva is tomorrow, it's Biochem viva, and I haven't even started prepping for it. It's like, I've decided to NOT stress out now. I spent these last two days leisurely. VERY leisurely. 

The best part was when I caught up with some of my favorite TV shows. Masterchef Australia and Bones and Rules of Engagement.

But I started regretting it just last night. And especially this morning, when I overslept and didn't wake up to go to college to practice ID for Anatomy spotting. Today would've been an ideal day, since I'd have ample time to do it, and I'd practice and have friends help me.

And all because my sleeping schedule is so screwed up, I went to sleep at 6am and woke at 10. And then went back to sleep and woke up at 3pm. God I feel like such a lazy butt. And I'm literally living in a pool of regret right now. Even more so that I'm online and not studying. And blogging instead.

Once these practicals and vivas are over, I will feel immensely grateful, and will take a week long vacation to go to Islamabad and spend time with my family there. I need this vacation, before I plunge, once again, into med study for the profs. This time, I need to absolutely do my best. Profs are the real deal. I know I botched up my send ups. Not one of them went as well as I want them to, but I'm sure each one was passing material. Profs should NOT go like that. They should be acing material. They should be top ten material. Yeah.

But everything in life isn't as emo as I'm making it sound. Many things in life turned the right way up, and I have nobody but Allah to thank for that :) He is the only one that can pull you out of the deepest depressions of your life. I've experienced that. I have asked things in dua to Him that sounded impossible even to my ears, things that I only asked out of desperation and helplessness, not because I believed it would come true. 

And they did come true :) Allah is really there,He really does listen. Nothing could've strengthened my faith more.

I miss my brother a lot. He's already begun high school in the States, and he's enjoying it, making new friends. I sometimes feel like I'm his mother, since I'm always telling him how to do things, giving him life lessons, helping him in his studies. I wish I was there with him to witness everything he's going through. Whenever I have credit and I'm staying up a little later than usual, I have to call him, to ask him how he is. How classes are. He's improving so fast in his grades, and he's absolutely in love with Spanish. Lol. But more than missing him, I'm glad he's over there and not here, where the political situation has gone insane and there's riots and killing. And I'm glad he's happy and busy. :)

H is back from the States! I don't know if I've mentioned that before already, but there you go, again. Lol. It was at first awkward being able to call him and text him any time I wanted, now that we were in the same country, but it only needed a few days. Now it's like he never left :) I can admit, however, that the reason I've changed was because of him. Sometimes I wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It's a bit of both. Whichever it was, it was an inevitable change.

I have to go help my mom out with some errands, and then eat something, and then dissolve myself in Biochem books. By the way, for everyone who prayed for my mother's health and my cousin's well being (the one that has cancer), thank you so much.

It has really worked. I never believed so much in the power of dua as I have now. I cannot thank you enough, and I believe the best thank you is dua for you too. So you can definitely believe I will. We, as Muslims, should all be there for each other. Unity. Remember me in your prayers.

Now the definite question: How have YOU been?

Searching.

Yes, it's a really simple layout. But for some reason, I love it. Not like the ''it's perfect'' love it, but like the ''this gets me'' love it.

They are two different kinds of love its. 

I feel like I'm going through a massive change in my life, personality wise. I'll keep you updated.

The best way to describe this layout (and, in effect me)?

Intricate. I feel intricate.