Right Angle.

I've made a split second decision: I'm not going to start the New Year without letting H know about how I really feel. I plan on simply showing him the post.
2012 should begin raw and open, with everything scattered, and everything known. With time to give, more decisions to make, and solutions to find. I'm getting so sick and tired of wasting my time just sitting on my bed, when I can just call him and tell him to drop what he's doing and listen to me.
If my voice is strong enough, I know he'd listen. I just haven't strengthened my voice yet. But I will now. No amount of force can make your voice reverberate. It only happens by ''feeling.''

Sometimes, I wish people would chuck all their fact-based logic and practicality out the window. There's nothing wrong with being realistic. But for God's sake, if you can't feel, what are you doing alive? Cry, scream, laugh, think, think so much that you can make ideas out of words, create memories out of buildings, plan meetings just by looking at a tablecloth, at a lamp. Make conversations endless, make 3 hour phone calls seem like 20 minutes, be enthusiastic, don't look back and regret that you spent too much time talking, be happy that you had more life in you than the person you were talking to.

You love someone, and you're tired? Drink a cup of coffee to stay up and talk to her. You haven't seen her in awhile? Plan something ahead, and make sure nothing clashes with that plan. You see her sad? Surprise her. This is not hard to do, this is not written in any book, because it's just KNOWN. Just like women know to have a hot meal ready for their men when they come home from work, and not to bother them about mundane things when they're tired. Where in the world did chivalry go?

No matter where mine and H's conversations lead after I let it all out, I'm not going to kill myself again and go back to just not caring. Something has got to give. And I've already given.

It is getting very cold, to the point where even the afternoons are chilly. But when I sit in front of a heater, my head starts to hurt. Good old blanket, then. A hot shower doesn't even feel enticing right now. I better start getting my act back up again, and focus on the more important things. First substage of 2nd year Anatomy is coming up on the 7th. Head and Neck. I skimmed through the books today, and made a few diagrams, but nothing concrete. InshAllah tomorrow.

Have a good night. :)

Inside.

"We do not talk anymore. And I've forgotten the way your back curves. How are we supposed to know each other, now?" 

-Another Way To Avoid Reality 

All night, I was thinking about whether I should share my personal life on here. To be frank, I have followers who know me personally, and I'm not sure how much I would like them to know about me, without them confronting me. But then again, I have a feeling they won't. That they'll read this blog, and act normal towards me. And if they are reading this, let it be known that that's how I want it to be. It's so different and a pleasant change when people aren't asking you what's wrong, what happened. I like sharing, but only to vent and to make sense of what I feel. Not for attention or for questions. Writing does that to you.

Being an emotional person does not mean that you cry at every sensitive thing.It could also mean that you feel too deeply and too strongly for something, but you don't spill tears for it. That's me. In recent months, I've tried to suppress it, tried to stamp it out of me. By not addressing how I feel about situations, and only analyzing what's in front of me. I stopped thinking too much about everything, stopped trying to find meaning in it all. Just talking about it is not enough to tell you what REALLY happened. Changing yourself is a really big deal. Changing the way you think is actually struggling. No matter which way you change, for better or for worse. I stopped being me, and even though it fixed a lot of matters, I wasn't me anymore. And I knew it. So I wanted out.

I've decided to share as much as I possible can, meaning that whatever I feel like I should, or whatever I want to.

I changed ever since H went back to America. Everytime he goes there, it's like a switch. He changes. Not going into details, I decided to pull a switch of my own. I didn't want to give too much anymore. In fact, I didn't want to give anything anymore. I didn't want to invest in something that I couldn't put a stamp on, to guarantee. The decision was a simple one, and I worked towards it. I told myself that I'd be that way- nonchalant, changing priorities, not giving it all- only until he realized it and wanted the old me back. This wasn't a game that I was playing; I was just sick of freeing up my own time at the expense of my family and friends, just to find out that he couldn't free up his own time for me like I could for him. It was a change that involved ego n my part as well. I didn't want to feel like I was losing dignity.

He noticed, he wanted the old me back. But I couldn't. I honestly tried, but some self-defence mechanism in me prevented me from opening up again. I can't explain it, but things were harder to say, meetings were harder to plan. There used to be a time where there was nothing I wouldn't do for him. And now I can barly think of a few things I can.

It's weird how people only assume that a relationship ends with a bang. With fights, screaming, she cheated on him, he did something she didn't like. It's more common in Pakistan, as far as I've seen (my own opinion). There are tears, tissues, memories, and lost love. And then you pick up the pieces and move on. I say it's weird, because 1. Me and H haven;t broken up yet, and 2. We haven;t done anything to make us break up.

It's the strangest thing. We don't fight, at all. Maybe because we don't have time for fighting. Ever since he came back from the States, I decided to reorganize my priorities. Spend more time with my friends, my college, my studies. Put my family first. Put him in the back seat, like he did to me when he had family and work to take care of. The relationship is still here, it's still working, we still talk at night- but we've drifted apart. I don't know who I'm talking to sometimes, because I don't remember him. I don't remember how he used to be, or the time we spent together.

We're both alive, healthy, and working. We have celebrations, we have deaths, we have schedules. And slowly, we've written ourselves out of each other's lives, without meaning to.

It feels strange, like I have a relationship with a phone. Relationships are built with love and maintained with time. And we both don't have time. Strange once again, because I know that if I tried, I could make time for him Call it a talent, but I can multi-task fairly well. Friends, family, religion, H, studies. My favorite thing to do is ponder on how I can balance all of this. I would love to. I just don't want to anymore. Why should I put so much effort into this when he can't/won't?

I don't know where this is all going to lead. Maybe we might not be together. I know one thing though. Not to sound like a completely hopeless romantic, but everytime I see him again, everything is pushed aside, and I remember US. Who we are, who we were. But that changes as soon as I remember that he could leave any second, because his family needs him day or night, or a friends needs him. And we have to stop the meeting. It would make me cry earlier, to think that he chose his friends over me. Now, I just think about what I'll do when he drops me home.

"We just let ourselves fall apart. We didn't try to hold it at the seams, we watched ourselves distance, emotionally, mentally. I don't know about you, but I had the stamina to make this better. To call you as much as I could, even while being in another city, or being busy with friends. I just didn't want to anymore. I saw that you let everything go, so why couldn't I? Just make other things a higher priority than you and my feelings for you. Make it so often that the line blurs and you think you still have each other on the highest priority, but you don't, not at all. It's denial and lying to yourself, because you don't have time to think about priorities, life just happens and you take it as it comes. We don't see it, because we don't want to see it. We want to believe everything is okay. Training. Even now, after things have settled into this groove, I still am not ready to give you everything all over again. I still double check on whether I should send you a text or not.

Meetings are not as important as they used to be. The terrace climbing is a memory. And we act like strangers together."

This matter should be addressed as soon as possible, I know. Call it cowardice that I'm not doing so, that I want to keep on holding on to this. I don't know. I'm not sure about it anymore. But I'll keep writing until I am.

Diamond placed.

I think it's funny how I haven't written a single blog post since I announced that I would get down to writing more about how I really felt instead of acting like a random airhead bimbo who thinks it's fun to write excessive letters at the end of already complete words. Thanksss.

That was a long sentence.

I just came back from attending a wedding. It was something I wasn't looking forward to, because it was in Bahalwalpur, and I really don't enjoy my paternal family's company. And the long drive. But it was fun! Thankfully. I think I liked it more because the house was big and pretty and less people were living in it.It was for three days, and the only regret I have is that W (fave cousin) reached Lahore the day I went to Bahawalpur, and wasn't waiting for me when I came back. So I basically missed a fun weekend with him. 

On the way from Lhr-Bwp.

Pretty nice house that I enjoyed living in. Because it was pretty.

It's like Christmas lights. 

Outside Fort Colony, Multan. Tankers are hot.

I'm home now, and I love having 4 more days off till college re-opens. I can tie up some loose ends, clean closets, watch movies, and talk. Alot. With my family. I'll only focus on studying in the last 2 days, since I don't know the next time I'll be this free and relaxed again.

Mom is feeling so much better. She's had her skin grafting, so her leg hurts a lot (the area where they took the skin off, to place it on the area where her toes used to be) but it's getting better day by day since the skin wound is healing. It's funny how some people don't know what skin grafting is. H didn't. He is not medical minded at all. Except for when it comes to his allergy medicine. He thought skin grafting was the formation of new toes, somehow.

I wonder how it must feel to NOT have a medical mind. I've always had one, since I was young. I just don't know layman terms. My family always ask me to simplify medical procedures and terminology, and I constantly struggle. Lol.

So, new task: help Mom as much as possible. It's amazing, Alhamdulillah, how better she is getting day by day. When you compare to what happened last month, it's like comparing the sky to the earth. I'm so happy for her and I hope she only continues to get better (Ameen).

I had a slice of Bitter chocolate cake and orange juice for brunch. Anyone had a random breakfast like that?

I will now go crazy and run around and enjoy my 4 days like they were 40 days. :)

The Difference.

I don't like the way my writing style on this blog has changed. It just proves how much I've changed. I don't know why I changed. I only realized it when I was going through some past entries from last year. I'm really starting to dislike how...random my posts are. How childish they seem.

I think...I was trying to follow somebody else's style of blogging. And though it might seem fun for awhile, and I might get comments, it's not really who I am. I'm a very deep person, who always has multiple things to say, discuss, and talk about. I like being interpretative and figuring out things through writing; it's who I am.

I've stopped talking about myself and my innermost thoughts on this blog for two reasons: One, this is the internet,and it is very uncomfortable to know that strangers know everything about your life, and two, because I think I've been trying to avoid myself. I hope that didn't come out weird. But now, in a split second, I've decided. I'm going to be more open on this blog, because that's who I am. Not open. Deep.

I know how to be cautious. I'll do it in a way where I talk about myself, but it doesn't reveal too much. And talking about your emotions or revealing your deepest thoughts doesn't mean you're sentimental and cry at every outburst. It doesn't mean you're emo either. It just means that you've learned some lessons in life, and you move on with every step and situation and hardship and celebration, take everything in stride, and always keep a smile. I know I'm emotional; but I'm definitely not sentimental.

So, second year ,MBBS begins with me going back to who I really am, and what I really feel.


I feel better already. :)

Twist of fate.

So, today was the first day of second year of MBBS. I loved it. Besides the fact that the twins didn't bring their camera. Because I wanted to take pictures to mark this day! Anyway. Things are easy right now. Eye in Physiology, the skull bones in Anatomy. Frontal and Occipital. They aren't hard :)
And to top it off, I went to Subway with a friend today, and enjoyed an awesome sub after so long. BBQ Chicken. We took so many pictures. I love this friend. I want to put one of the pictures we took up as a profile picture. If it's good enough.
But I have a really nasty flu. It's like the one where your nose is like a leaky faucet and it just never. Stops. Running. And your brain feels like it's melting, and your head hurts, and everything just feels weird. Stupid winter. I like your cold, just not your diseases. I had Panadol CF and Joshaanda, but it's still in that ''kacha, pakka'' stage. Lol.
I haven't had a nap when I came home today. I spent a few hours talking to Mom, and I've been online for the past 2 hours. This is so going to catch up to me when I fall dead on the bed tonight.
I'm in love with the song ''What Makes You Beautiful'' by One Direction. It's too...pop-py for my taste, it sounds pre-teen (like the Jonas Brothers) but it's got such a catchy beat to it!
A friend's wedding is underway, the ''mayun'' was yesterday. She keeps so many ''dholkis'' and ''mayuns'' that everyone started coming wearing casual clothing to them. I took it the same way, and came with a semi-formal suit. And everyone was wearing shaadi clothes! I felt massively out of place. I never want to experience that feeling again. Blegh. It just makes you sad and feeling unwanted and weird. Thankfully, it was over by the time some of my other friends were arriving.
Here is my gajra. Guess which one is my hand:

Nowdays, nothing is really on my mind. Except for getting money from Dad to pay for my practical copies. And to pay more attention in second year.
And to pray more.
And to download more music.
And to get a pink and black suit altered for said friend's wedding. Need money for that too.
And to watch Masterchef USA in 45 minutes.

I don't like Masterchef USA that much. It goes way too fast. They have team challenges and pressure tests in one episode. And the contestants are just plain rude, not to mention the judges. Even though Joe Bastianich is so cute. Italian. Why does America have to make everything so big and dramatized? Masterchef Australia was so nice and sweet, and neutral. I liked it. Does anyone else watch it?
I've fallen in love with Dexter. The same theme music that used to creep me out, now excites me.
I want to watch sooo many movies.
Everyone's getting new phones. I know someone who got a Blackberry. When will my turn come?! :(

Sexy. And out of reach. 23k. Somebody buy?

How was your Monday? I would rate mine...6 out of 10 :) Happy and thankful to still be alive.

Like a Bird.

I honestly feel like one. Profs are officially over.

That deserved a larger font. 3 weeks felt like 3 months. Sleepless nights, mugs of tea (I don't even like tea!)  huge courses, panic attacks, texting the geniuses for answers. Always, always, always worried. Damn. I thought getting INTO medical school would be hard. Maybe I don't remember exactly how hard it was, but 1st year prof seemed a lot harder.

Now I want to stop talking about it. It's over! I'm so glad, and now I have three days off till second year. I have a million things to do, a million people to call, a million places to visit. I honestly can't wait to get started :D And I don't even mind that it's only a three day holiday. I want to get started with second year as soon as possible, and focus on it fully. I want to do so much better than the ''lost, wandering'' person I was in first year. In fact, everybody's like that in first year. Except the ones who have doctors as family members. I don't. So yeah.

The point of this post, is to ask a question that came into my mind while I was coming home today in the Daewoo (seriously, the Daewoo has become a place for inspiration).
I wanted to ask you all, what does freedom mean to you?

It's different for different people, for different genders. Women and men, teenagers and adults, freedom is a versatile word and meaning.  I was just thinking about what it meant to me, and I found myself curious to know other answers.

To me, freedom means:
-To own my own car.
- To earn my own money. Or atleast HAVE my own money. Through Daddy :)
-To finish up with exams.
-To not have any stress on my head.
- Doughnuts. Doughnuts feels like freedom. Don't ask why. I don't know. I love doughnuts.
- To chill in a cafe with friends, having cake and coffee.
-To be with H out somewhere, just enjoying each other's company.
-Walking while it's snowing.
-The New York City skyline, and the Brooklyn bridge, and the Statue of Liberty makes me feel like I'm free.
- To be in a place where I have the choice to smoke, drink, get high...and I don't do any of those things (I most likely won't. I'm honestly very straitlaced.) That is real freedom.
-To be understood.
- To pray regularly and maintain contact with religion.

See, freedom can mean so many things, not just physical freedom. I wanted to know what freedom means to you :)

Rambling thoughts on the Daewoo.

9:15am, Monday morning. My mind just keeps going on and on.

- When I become a mother, I'm gonna show different styles to my daughter from an early age, around 3 years old. So that she can decide what she likes. So that she can find herself. So she won't have to soul search. Atleast for the next couple of years of her childhood.

-''Sarh na. Dua na kar.'' Written on the back of a coaster in front of this bus. I find that funny. Even funnier than the lame poetry some people write on the back of their trucks in Pakistan. Pehli baat, main sarh nahin rahi. Par chalo, dua bhi kar loon gi. If you insist.

-This lady next to me is like, freezing cold. I'm not kidding. And I'm warm, and she's transferring all her unwanted coldness to me. NO.

-Pakistan's seasons are awesome. You can get a tan both in summer and winter, cuz the sun never goes away! Awesome. I don't know why girls are so afraid of tans. Bronze is sexy yo. I love my complexion. You gorays are so sensitive.

-The Kalma flyover is so pretty! I could live on its peak. Seriously. If I was homeless, I'd come here. I love how they have cement boxes on the sides for the growing plants. Not something you see every day here. It looks so envrionment-ly and fresh.

-I think I look pretty today. With my matching sweater and kameez and trousers. I want to be a fashion designer now. Screw MBBS.

-I am totally covered right now. Islamically. It feels awesome. To be able to do this without having to wear a burka, and without having to look like a weird potato sack.

-I need winter boots. I want winter boots. So badly. This year. Everyone has them. It's not just that, they're so sexy. Boottsss.

-Can somebody explain to me the basis of 786 to mean ''Bismillah hirahmaa niraheem?'' Thought of the moment. I am intrigued and curious.

I fell asleep on the bus today.

I got new contact lenses! I'm in love with them. For the sole reason that I can see the world better. Seriously. For 8 months now, I didn't have glasses or contacts. It was weird, squinting at everything, and seeing everything past 10 feet, blurry. I like having a clear world. More confidence :)


I can see clearly now, the rain is gonee.... (I always think of this song when I think of my lenses.)

I'll write a more structured post when I have time. Right now. I don't. I should be napping. I will go now. In a bit. Let me talk first.

Today's Biochem practical went awesomeawesome. Best of all, seriously. ANATOMY LEFT AND THEN I'M FREE! For four days. And then I'm going to go on a movie marathon crazy spree. I plan on watching ''Bol'' and ''Missed''. Any other suggestions?

I loved today. Honestly. Besides the Biochem practical, I had loads of fun with a fellow classmate. We talked about so many things, and found that we had so much more in common ground than I thought of before. And I love talking. And sharing my views AND listening to other people's opinions. But mostly talking. So it was fun. It made me get over the sadness of last night. No details there. I was just sad. But now I'm completely over it, and I'm happy :) Don't you just love people like that? That uplift your mood out of nowhere, and they don't even know it?

My sister's friend has this stupid dholki tomorrow. So much drama regarding that. This is like, her 8th dholki or something. In a row. She's saying dholki even though she really means 'dance practice.' And for some reason, I don't feel that comfortable dancing in Muharram. It feels wrong. And besides, I have to study.

I'm not eating roti salan nowadays. Just Knorr noodles and sandwiches. Exams does that to a person.
I want an outing with my friends as soon as possible. I need the possibility of blowing off money and having good food, good company, and good laughs. I like blowing off money. It's the only regret I can truly live with.

I found out something today. I'm one of those kinds of people that if I get something bad in life, I don't waste my time cursing my fate or ''kismat'' or ''naseeb'' or whatever it is. I learn to adapt around it and move on and work with it. Today, some people got certain experiments that they didn't know that well, and instead of focusing to remember as much as they could and make sure they could do a good enough job, they were basically getting depressed on purpose, saying bad stuff, making a fuss, and getting stuck in that bad moment on purpose. I don't know why they do that. But I don't. And I'm glad :) This way, you can make the bad things into the neutral things and make the good things seem huge :)
 
The bad part about being hyper is that if one day you just feel like being quiet, people think something's wrong.

I gotta go. I'm tired.

Snow Globe.

Winter is here!

I love/hate winter just like I love/hate every season. Except spring. Spring is unique in that it is awesome. Nothing bad about it.

Love about winter: 

1.Getting warmer feels better than getting colder during summer.

2. You get to snuggle and hold your loved ones (I can already hear the single people snorting)

3.Hot chocolate!

4.Dry fruit. Injeer. Mmmm. 

5. It only lasts for a short while here anyway.

6. Snow! In other places besides Lahore.

7. Fashion is sexier. Seriously. I find layering much more fashionable and stylish than shedding clothes off.

Hates:

1. Your hand freezes up and you can't even write.

2. When you can't sleep because your feet are too cold even with socks on. :/

3.You can get dengue, malaria, and heat stroke during the summer. And you get cold, cough, flu, pneumonia, chest infection, sinus, and just about every other type of virus in winter.

...Loves are more :)

It's Muharram, the first month of the Islamic year. My mom always says ''For Christians, their year begins with happiness and hope. And for Muslims, it begins with sadness.'' Whether you're a Sunni or a Shia, Imam Hussain's story is known worldwide, and believed by both sects. In a way, I really don't want to bring out a full scale political war on this blog, because it just isn't right. Islam is about unity. 

I only write on my blog, what's on my mind. My posts are almost never scheduled, neither are they always word vomit, without caring (or pretending to not care) about what I'm writing. I'm not that sort of a blogger. When I decide to write a post, I think about it throughout, and only hit ''Enter'' when I feel it's okay enough. Sometimes my posts are personal, sometimes they're random, sometimes they're updated, and sometimes they go deeper, and I decide to reveal some things about my relationship and personal life.

I get a lot of crap for being in a relationship with a Shia. And being Sunni myself. Especially in this time of the month. In fact, a girl who came over my house the other day, an old friend who has just joined 1st year MBBS and needed my books, found out about me and H. She looked at me incredulously and said ''But...wait...are you two going to get married?!'' She was a Shia herself. She found it unthinkable. I get that a lot, actually. The people who have known us for awhile now have stopped badgering us about it, but I know they still think it. I know because I asked a friend, and she started going on a furious tirade about how we're of different sects, how the marriage will never work, how we won't even know who our kids will be, what will happen.

I'm not going to write in details about my thoughts. But I will give some points.

First of all, I won't go into detail, because that will only end up me being judged by all of you. ''Oh, look, H has changed her, oh, she's already half a Shia, oh look, she's defending herself.'' I have nothing to defend. I know what I think, and I know what is right.

Second, my relationship is mine. Right? So I'll know what to do. Everybody really needs to focus on their futures, their careers, and their families. As you grow older, notice something: You really will not have time to judge. When you have to wake up early every day, be in a hassle till the afternoon, work really hard for whatever you're doing, come home to a family that you have to take care of, idle talk simply doesn't matter. Half of you have reached that stage; half of you still are. But you'll see what I mean when you get there.

Third, I don't need to feel like I have to prove anything to anyone. I love where I am, I'm enjoying my relationship. That also doesn't mean that if it ends tomorrow, you were right and I was wrong. To put one point across, in all the disagreements we've ever had during the 3 years we've been together, we've mostly had them about time, trust, honesty, and all those other relationship matters. Religion was always on agreeable terms. And it's not that we're both ignorant of religion. On the contrary, we're both knowledgable enough. I just feel that if a problem with religion HAS to arise, it doesn't have to affect anybody. Why should it? It's totally my life. I don't share it with anyone, not even H. I make decisions for myself, and I don't like feeling like somebody else, who I don't even know that well or at all, has a say in what I do in my life. Of course, my parents play a huge part, and what they say influences me. But that's about it. 

H is a Shia. There's his label. So now will he be treated like a creature, like somebody who's not human? I know people who have liked and respected H before they knew he was Shia. And when they knew, you could feel the tension in the air. Why? What happened? He's not going to hurt you. 

If there's one thing I like about my medical college friends, it's the fact that they NEVER ask about my relationship. In fact, half of them are not even interested, which suits me more than fine. I don't want nor have to brag, I like having two or three separate lives. One with my college, one with my family, and one with H. Merging them together would be disaster, really.

That was a huge rant back there, I apologize. This month especially gets me all riled up, because it reminds me how people are always going to judge you, no matter what. Always. If you're good, nobody knows. If you've done something bad, nobody forgets. 

Anyways, change of topic, shall we?

I found these really nice old boot-ish type shoes that I bought AGES ago. They're perfect for winter. I wore them to a Quran Khwaani today. I liked them...until my uncle told me I looked like a boy. I think I'll stick to wearing them with jeans now. Not chooridar pajamas. I sometimes pick comfort over fashion, and the result is disastrous. That made me realize that I have a lot of shoes, that are buried in the back of my closet. So, new mission: I'm going to go to my nearest shoe store and get loads of shoe boxes, and sort shoes out. I hope they don't make you pay for shoe boxes. This is Pakistan. Anything can happen. If they see a business out of it, they'll put a price on it.

Vivas and practicals are underway, till the 15th. Next one on the 9th, Biochem viva. I have plenty of time to study for it, thank God.  Today was supposed to be a day to study, but I went to the Quran Khwaani. Was bored out of my mind. Played on my dad's Samsung Galaxy, which I envy but would not want because it's too big.

Besides that, each of my three lives seem to be going okay :) And I'm glad. That's all an adult can hope for, really.

I like Ovaltine. Not Milo. You?