Promises to Myself. And the will to keep them.

It's one of those days where I'm not really sure what to blog about, and I don't even remember why I have a blog. I think it's because life is being very jumbled up, nothing is falling into a proper sequence. And even though a lot of things are happening every single day, I find it difficult to compile it all and then write about it.

But I'll try.
Because I'm NOT a random blogger (though I do love reading random blog posts).

I'm actually making a conscious effort to not backbite anymore. I was starting to realize how common it's actually become. Nobody stops anybody from doing it, and it's so easy to just classify somebody on the basis of their dress, color, actions, etc. It's become a really bad habit for everybody, myself included. So, I've decided to actually stop. To monitor myself every day and bite my tongue if I'm about to say something bad about somebody.
Another thing: I gossip a lot. But not for attention, as you might be thinking. I gossip to fill the silence between the person (or people) I'm talking to. Because silences actually scare me. So I also want to stop gossiping, and backbiting. It'll make me a better person for myself, I don't need to do this for anyone else.
This decision occurred because one day, when I said something really bad about a classmate, it actually HIT me. I'm badmouthing them. The person I'm saying it to is going to judge said classmate without even getting to know her. How could I do that? And then there's the whole thing in Islam where if you backbite about another, Allah won't forgive you unless the concerned person does, and until then your good deeds go into their account, and when that finishes, their sins go into yours (Frankly, I don't know if that's true or not [anyone find out for me?] but it's definitely a hell of a way for a person to stop backbiting).

Anyway. A friend reprimanded me on it. And so it stayed in my head the entire day, and drove me to the point where I finally asked that person to forgive me because I said something bad about her. She did, openheartedly, and I was so relieved. So, backbiting is a big no-no now. And gossiping too.

Brother brought back anti-nail biting nailpolish from the States which tastes extremely bitter, and worse, the taste doesn't leave your mouth if you try to bite your nails. I've applied it, because I am getting SO SICK of biting my nails all the time and literally hurting myself. It's not that I want pretty nails; I just don't want this habit anymore. So, another decision; I'm gong to stop biting my nails no matter how long, or what it takes.

See, who said you needed a New Year Day to set resolutions? I can set whatever I damn well want, whenever I want. :)

College is going pretty fun. Me and my sister cleaned our closet out a few days ago, and seperated our clothes according to ''what is wear-able to Uni'' and ''home clothes.'' It has made life a hell of a lot easier, getting up in the morning isn't filled with the annoying dead of having to search through an avalanche of clothes. Plus, I'm matching a lot of things that I'm wearing. I wore all blue today. I think I looked like a blueberry :)

Tests are coming and going at their own usual pace. I just had a Physiology test today, which went alright. Eye and Gastrointestinal System. And substages are the usual, so studying has become routine now. But I'm definitely taking today and tomorrow off from studying. I'll just chill, eat chicken nuggets, blog, and upload photos on Facebook.

I went to Gloria Jean's today with a few friends. Friends that I've been longing to meet up with for so long, and I was pleasantly surprised when they randomly asked me to come with them. Had a peanut butter cup. And some chocolate mousse. And talked and talked, and looked at some books, and talked some more. Coffee shops are way too awesome. If I had one near my house, I would be there every day. And I'd blog from there. Coffee shops are not cliche: they are extraordinary.

Now, I'm very tired, and I still have to complete my Biochem practical. Planned on doing some Histology today too, but I think I'm going to hit the hay once my mom comes home.
There are things with H, which I will get to later because I'm too tired to think anymore. Didn't have an afternoon nap, see. But I really do want an ''H related'' rant one day.

Tiredtiredtired.Goingnowkthnksbye.

The last piece.

Life in points. Basically because I don't really have anything major to talk about.

-When you fall ill, doesn't it feel like you've forgotten what it feels like to be all better and normal, and you envy the people who are NOT ill? That's how I've been for the past 4 days. Upset digestive system has made me envy people eating dahi bharay and samosas. I love both. And there's so much good food at home that I could eat (mashAllah) but I have to stick to this light diet. I took a rebellious risk and ate so much junk food today, heavy food. It felt awesome. And my stomach doesn't hurt yet, so good sign. I love Double Chocolate Cornettos.

-The prof result is on its way. I've been going out of my mind thinking about it, worrying about whether I did enough to pass. And then, when I've assured myself that I WILL pass, I worry about whether I'll get above 360/600. First division. It's a never ending cycle that will only cease when I can see my marks displayed. Every new day is heavy with the weight of the tension of the result. Worst because we don't exactly know when they're going to announce the results. The board is like that. I dislike them now. Not that I liked them before.

-Biggest news ever: My brother is back from the States. :D It's been so much fun having him here, I don't want him to go back. Even when he leaves the house to go see his friends, I get jealous, because I want him to stay home and spend time with us. Of course, there are goodies too. Chocolate. T shirts. *insert names of more awesome things*

-I saw a car accident on my way home today. I actually saw it happen, the car flipped over. It was crazy, but the people inside got out fairly quickly. Nobody was hurt, but it was still scary enough to prevent me from entering a car for the next 24 hours.

-I love walking home from my bus stop. I don't know if I've mentioned that before. It's a pretty long walk, about 11 minutes, and my back is starting to hurt, but everything is so fresh and green. And I don't have to pay 50 rs. every day to go home on a rickshaw. 

-I like having friends. And family. If shit's going on with family, you can just turn to your friends. And not necessarily tell them what's wrong, but just hang out with them. And laugh and joke around. It works vice versa too, when there's hostility between friends. But there never is, there never has been. That's why I like friends in medical college. They're nice, but not too nice. They're mean, but not too mean. We don't know enough about each other to fight, and our personalities don't clash. I like this :)

-I am absolutely dying to go out of the house more. Lahore is so full of experiences to have, places to see. Cosa Nostra, Veranda, Roaster's, Tutti Frutti, Yum, Noodle House, Tiramisu, Opium Thai. And I want to go with loads of people, FSc college friends, medical college friends, W, H. Me and A thought up a plan to have breakfast at Cinnabon in a few weeks, by skipping a lecture or two. This is a good plan, I hope it follows through. If not, I will make it. 

-I want a gazebo in my backyard. Bas.

A day and a half.

Just finished drawing some Histology diagrams. God, you have to be particular about it, if you mark a purple dot in ONE wrong place, the teachers make you erase the whole damn thing. And everyone knows how hard it is to erase color pencils. -.-

I have more to do, like look over some topics for Gross Anatomy, but I haven't had a nap today (again?!) and my brain will turn itself off in just a little while. Before that, I would like to blog.

I had a really nice day today. I have generally been happy since the weekend. Mostly because of shopping. I've bought so many things that I've been lusting over, and the thought of owning all of that makes me happy. Sure, I got dirty, glaring looks from my dad from basically cleaning out his wallet, but atleast I own the things now. Haha :P

Spontaneous plan happened today. No,make that two spontaneous plans. And plans like these either end up making you really, really happy or just turn out to be an epic fail. I'm glad to say it was the former :) 

Plan # 1: Pizza Hut with my friends.

Plan # 2: Drive home with H. Our first meeting in the New Year. (:

I thoroughly enjoyed both, even though it's left me completely drained of energy and I'll have to be surviving on Sting tomorrow. A was being a whiner at Pizza Hut, because she didn't get enough sleep the night before. I was like, dude, enjoy being with us, would you? She got excited when she saw the book section of Staples though. The stationery store we went to.

I love book sections/stores. ''Readings'' should be my home, even though it's been ages since I last went. I cannot leave bookstores without looking at every single cover and reading almost every single blurb of every book. And even when I've done that, I still feel a sense of emptiness while leaving the store. I have compiled a Book Wishlist. Because I want all these books.

1. Five People You Meet In Heaven

2.Lolita

3.Crime and Punishment

4.The Unbearable Lightness of Being

5.Nineteen Eighty Four

6. The Kitchen God's Wife

7. Broken Verses

8. Catch 22 (Need to borrow from DVM friend!)

9. A Case of Exploding Mangoes

10. 1947; Before, During, and After

And so many more, I just didn't have time to write the names down on my phone. I plan on spending one whole entire day with around 5000 rupees in Readings next month. I need to read more novels again, I don't want to change completely just because I'm in MBBS. I am me. I like me, I want to stay me. :)

So, all in all, a happy day. :)

P.S If anybody wants to listen to a catchy, funny song; That Dude Looks Like a Lady by Aerosmith. Always brings a smile to my face.

Prowess.

So A was fooling around with my camera today (which I've had for 6 months now, it's an Olympus nothing really), and she found this setting called ''Macro.''

And then ''Super Macro.''

Focusing objects so that the background becomes blurry and the picture looks super cool.

I sound lame saying that.

I will always love her for it. Maybe that's the only thing I'll remember loving her for.

Crazy began.

 All photos courtesy of me and my sister. The first three of A. I feel semi-powerful.

I love my camera.

Oh. And today was an AWESOME day, all in all. Totally. Alhamdulillah.

I'm blogging with my parents right next to me. Rebellion.

The desires of a 21 year old- for now.

Let me add a Chapstick to that. I badly need one.

Dilemma to all of this: I only began saving today and only have 750 rupees. Shit. :)

P.S. I wrote Bucket List even though technically I know this isn't one. But I was studying the pituitary gland at the same time. So I'm forgiven.

Sleepy.

I don't like sacrificing my sleep for anything, so being awake at this time right now even though I'm home by 3pm isn't comfortable. But I'm hungry. :/ So I'm waiting for food, after which I will only sleep for a little while. Mattar keema <3

Is it just me or do winters make a person really, really lazy? I can't even study without the blanket over me and the heater on. 

Today I wore my favorite oversized sweater to college today. It was funny, because I wear it only at home, and it's funny looking, and really big. But apparently, when you pair it up with jeans and sneakers, it doesn't look half bad. I plan on wearing it to college more often, on the days where I just don't feel like opening my closet.

A 3rd year of friend of mine said something today which lingered in my mind and made me think about it all the way home. She just began to study the procedures of autopsy, and postmortem. She was weirdly sullen in the bus today, and when I asked her what happened, she said ''We're nothing. Human beings are honestly nothing.'' She was really affected by seeing a fresh dead body. Contrary to what people believe, dissection class is not as scary as it looks. And the bodies aren't scary at all. A little gross maybe, especially when you accidentally touch it with ungloved hands, but the bodies are embalmed and preserved and drained and what not, so they look more fake than real. She told me that looking at a body who died just a day or two ago is much more depressing than dissection. And then we began a long winded talk about how yesterday we were something else, tomorrow we'll do something else, and then one day we die. And no matter how much it strikes you straight in the face, death never actually seems like a real possibility. Is it denial? Do we not want to believe that death is real, that we have to go to our graves too? Is it fear? Ignorance?

I get these doses of breath-stopping, heart-racing fear about death from time to time. And currently I'm in one now too. There's no point in any of us being proud about anything we own or have or can have. Because yesterday we were just a clot of blood, and tomorrow we'll be dust. And nobody knows it better than doctors, who learns exactly how the body works. There are days where I'm literally AMAZED at how stuff happens, it's like everything is so perfectly balance, like if even one thing goes wrong, we could die. Yet people live for years and years. 

So, prayer began again. The doses of fear are good for this. And I'm glad :) Remembering death does not make you a morbid person, nor are you suffering from depression. It's realization of the fact that you, like every other person in the world, have to go. Some people find true love; others acquire so much wealth; there are people who have never experienced true happiness. Our stories in this life are really different, but they all end the same. We all have to go. So instead of panicking about it, just accept it and prepare for it. My two cents on the matter.

I liked the day today in college. We have the Welcome Party coming up, and it'll be fun- I hope. And then a trip too. But before any of that, me and a few FSc friends will be going to another friend's university to surprise her for her birthday this Thursday. I love reunions :) And there aren't any tests in the near future in college, so life will be going pretty smoothly for awhile.

The ''death'' thoughts also made me think of H. I'm here, wasting all this time thinking about issues that we can solve, discussions we need to have. When I could just enjoy talking to him. True, those matters need to be discussed too, whatever problems we have. But now I'm feeling like they'll all sort themselves out in their own due time, that we don't have a deadline for it, then why am I forcing it? Last night's talk was arguably one of the best I've had in a long time. Sometimes, he's great just to have around as a friend. No ''I love you's'' and ''I'll do anything for you''. Just perverted jokes and talking about our days and laughing. I think, more than anything else, I was less afraid to lose him as my significant other, and more worried about losing a friend. Because if you strip it all down to it, I run to him as my best friend. So I'm only going to let the matters work out when they crop up in conversation. I'm going into every phone conversation with an unplanned agenda and an open mind and heart. I still have resentment and contempt inside me,about many things (least of all the fact that he has begun smoking again) but it's sort of tamed for now. For now.

Starry.

I feel lucky today. I missed a day of college, I was too tired to get up in the morning, and I was already hating myself for it, for having to miss so much work. But it turns out, barely anything happened today. Magazine meeting got cancelled. Behavioural Sciences class didn't begin. And a friend did my proxy in Biochem tutorial. So it was technically like I was there, whereas I was actually stocking up my sleep hours.

But still, I have a lot of work to do, I have a substage to prepare for. I feel like I'm semi-serious this year. I pay attention in class, but don't bother revising any of it when I get home. It's the weather, everybody just wants t get inside their warm comforters and do NOTHING else. Like me. After this post, I will go upstairs and study Scalp, Temple, and Face. 

And then go to the tailor's and give him some adjustments for my clothes.

I love new clothes. I also love how aware fashion has become here in Pakistan. How trends are being set. Me and my sister spent 3 hours scoping the bazaar, looking for the best steals and buying what we could. Walking for 3 hours takes its toll on you. Reason for why I was too tired to get up for college today. But still, I musn't get carried away, and start skipping college whenever I want. I may not be this lucky again.

I think I'm slowly going back to who I really am, with everyone. I'm not changing to suit different people's liking, I'm doing what I can to be truly me.

I've also had the realization that even though me and H both know how much we've distanced, and that there is a communication gap, there is honestly nothing we can do about it. It sounds like defeat, doesn't it? I know. Because, once again, we have to let it all go, we have to attend to the world, not to each other. Not right now. Letting go wouldn't hurt so much or be this big of a deal had I really known how H was feeling. If I really knew that he did want to spend time with me, but can't. But that's the thing. I don't know. I don't know how he feels about all this, about when plans get cancelled, or we can't talk on the phone. Is that loss of trust? Me not trusting him to feel what I feel? Or not trusting him to feel anything at all?

If I knew, if I was more secure in knowing that this had a future, that it was going to last, I'd be okay with letting go for awhile. And he never fails to reassure me that this DOES have a future. But it's kind of going into a doubt now, like our relationship is a shadow. There's nothing concrete or definite about it. But with telling our family, or getting something done, there will be some confirmation to it. I'm not afraid that he'll just leave out of nowhere, abandon me. I fear that we'll both act like strangers when it's finally time to build our life together. That when he's gotten what he's needed out of his job, when his family is ready, we won't be. We'll have forgotten what it's like to be around each other, to spend time together. This is the fear. I have given my fear a definition.

Writing this all down gives me more things to talk about with him. And so I shall, whenever we can talk.

Till then, I have to continue living my life and see what rewards I can make out of mundane things.

I'm not sure if you'll understand. But try.

I know.

When you have a conscience, and plenty of morals, and you feel like you're doing the right thing.

You feel like you're doing the right thing, and you're not exactly happy doing it, but you could be. 

And then that ''could be'' turns into ''will be'' when you realize that maybe somebody else doesn't have the opportunity to do what you're doing.

And when you realize that what you have right now is only a moment, it will change.

It could be anything.

Like eating pizza. Or being surrounded by friends. Or eating ice cream in winter. Or buying new shoes.

Hold on to that feeling, make yourself feel like what YOU'RE doing is right, that nobody can take this away from you, that other people would love to do what you're doing right now.

And then you'll be happy. And then you'll move on.

Because all "moving on" really is, is knowing that you can still be happy, again, in another moment some other time.

After this.

Twenty twelve.

2012 began with me eating peanuts at my cousin's place. And it continued on with talking to H all night. In fact, that was the last time we talked on the phone. Because despite the long discussion and me talking about everything I could possible remember, we both did have to go back to our lives the next day. Work for him, college for me.

It was horrifying. Every time you try to make someone understand about how you're feeling, you immediately assume that things are going to be better the next day. No matter how old you are, that expectation is always there. You expect an apology for the way you were being treated, you expect more attention, more appreciation. Just more notice, really. And I waited all day, and none of that came. I don't know. If I question it, in the end I'll turn out to be the demanding one. Apparently, he doesn't think it's necessary to do all those things. Bring it all back. So the first day of the New Year practically went by in a very anxious and crazed state.

I hated feeling that way, hated feeling like he had some sort of control over me. I am not comfortable with that feeling anymore, not since ''the switch''. I don't think anybody should be, I think everybody should feel comfortable with themselves,and if they don't get to talk to a certain person, or meet him/her, it should just be a bump in the road, not a full out bawling session that makes you freeze in time. A bump in the road, and then you move on. Because the only thing life guarantees is that you'll move on. Not love, or happiness, or money.

I'll write more about him + me later, when my mind is in that mode. It's not right now. 

This winter, I am obsessed with boots. Slouch, heel, wedge, I love them all. I thought if I bought one pair of boots, I'd be satisfied, since they are...um...expensive. But I bought a pair, and now I want more. The American in our group, S, wore THE hottest knee length brown suede boots today. I was in love with them.

I can't wait until I actually feel like getting dressed up in the morning, and then wearing my new boots. My new sex-ay boots!

I'm turning more and more into a girly girl each day. I like it.

I don't have any New Year resolutions. I dislike the whole concept of it. Why do people wait till the beginning of each year to make promises? I do it all year round. If I find something wrong with me, or something I don't like, or if I make a mistake, be it February, March, or October, I make a resolution there and then. A New Year could be a good excuse to make MORE resolutions, but everyone should have a set of standards of principles which they live by, which is only made from making resolutions. 

So yeah. No definite resolutions that I actually sat down and thought about. But I do want to study harder this year. And get much better grades. I'm working on that. Taking as many notes as possible, making sure that I have work completed for the next day. First substage is coming up, and I haven't prepared a word, but now that we've learned a huge chunk of the course, I feel pretty stable. I feel like I can get it done.

And, as usual, I want to feel content with my life. I want to feel like my life is under my control, not that other factors are controlling me. 

I'm going to eat something, and then probably maybe not too sure might get a nap. And then study. Sleeping in winters is awesome. Hope everybody's having a great start to their year (: