5 things he needs to say.

1. I miss you so much, and I want to see you RIGHT NOW.

2.I will quit smoking for you, not out of love, but because out of reason, and because you love me so much to care about me stopping. I don't want to do it anymore, and I am fine without it. I won't ask you for it again.

3.I love you more than you'll ever know, and I would do anything to make you happy.

4.I promise I will do all that I can to make you comfortable again, even if it takes months or years. I will wait. Because I will always love you, no matter what happens.

5.I need you next to me more than anything else I've ever needed.

At the receiving end.

I was supposed to go to Maha's house today, to have a gathering to read the Quran. It was for her mother, to pray for Allah to forgive her, and forgive all of us.

I didn't go.

Don't ask why. Even I don't know.

It was at 10am on a Sunday morning, I set an alarm and everything, but I didn't go.

Sarah even asked me to come over to her place so we could study together. I didn't go.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not exactly down, but I am very anti social. I'm not in the mood to socialize right now. I'm definitely in the mood to go to college though, and give tests, and have fun with loads of people by talking, laughing, sharing. 

I'm just in that mood where I don't want to do anything. I don't even know why I'm writing this blog post.

For the first time in over a week, I saved a draft in my phone (remember drafts? The stuff I want to say to H but I can't,or don't). But I do not want to share it. It is way too personal and raw. The reason for my telling you this is because I wanted to tell myself that I've started becoming emotional again.

Not being emotional and being detached and mature is really hard. There's nothing that ever makes you truly happy, nothing that touches your soul. Though I hated my vulnerable outbursts and bouts of bawling at times, I loved that things affected me the way they did. I even liked worrying sometimes, because it meant that that person or thing mattered so much to me. 

And now I box it up and put it all away, to deal with later because I don't have the emotional capacity nor the time to do it now. I sometimes wonder what could've caused such a deep change in me.

On a pleasant note, it snowed in Lahore yesterday! :D THAT is exciting, because we don't get any snow. It actually started off as hail, and then laster turned to snow. I didn't get to see any of it, because I was too afraid of the hailstones hitting my head, lol. It was literally an ''hour in Lahore's history'', and I'm so sorry I missed it.

So anyway, I have a Physiology test tomorrow, and I still have loads to study for it. I hope it goes well. Oh! Remember that third substage? I got 36 out of 50 :D I was very happy. And the Biochem viva I was freaking out on, thinking I would barely pass, like only get 10 out of 25 or something, I got 15. Academically, life is good. FJ is giving me a chance to feel like I actually deserve to be here.

Thanks for reading :)

You're only as happy as you want to be.

It's been a while since I updated here. There were so many problems, least of which was that I didn't have access to the internet. Lol. Besides that, even if I did, life is always handing me more and more things to do, and I really can't find any time. Also, I've realized that recently, I don't feel the need to write any more blog posts. I don't know what that means exactly, because I've also been going through a lot of emotional changes.

I've learned to pack my problems and put them in a box in the back of my head. I've learned to deal with more pressing matters first, and to realize the true meaning of priority. I've learned to look at life in a much bigger way, it is not only my life that I affect, it is my family, friends, parents, teachers, neighbors. The smallest bad thing should not be the end of the world, and the smallest good thing shouldn't make me want to die at that moment, happy. All moments are temporary, and life goes on, waiting for nobody.

Being this insightful and inquisitive is a little boring, I must admit. Life is really dull at times, and most of all I've become emotionally withdrawn with the one person I've shared my thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams to-H. Even if I feel the need to talk to him about something, I think that he either doesn't care, or he can't help me, or he won't understand. Things are better now, we were never fighting. In my head, everything is back to square one. I want to start things all over again, to make myself see what attracted me to him in the first place, if there is anything I still want to go to him for. I want to erase the habit/obsession/addiction, and see if I go to him just because I want to, or need to. Recently, it shows that I do. 

If I say that I'm tired and I want to end the call,he's been asking me if I'm okay and if I'm really tired and if I'm sad about something. I always tell him I'm alright, but then when he says I love you I don't say it back. I haven't said it back properly in a while, and he says that he will make me comfortable enough to say it soon. 

Okay, for some reason I don't want to talk about this anymore. I know how I feel about this situation, and for some reason I don't want to share it. Let's just end it with my saying that I like that he's worrying a little bit, and I hope he doesn't fall back into the general trend of thinking that I'm always alright. Because even now, there's a reason why I'm not saying that I love him back. Because internally, everything is NOT alright. But I don't know how to bring it up to him, and a part of me doesn't want to. I have forced myself to make it a small deal in my head (though it's quite a big one) so that I can go on with the rest of my day not worrying too much about it, and then at night when we talk I can make everything sound normal. But now that I've mentioned it here, the feeling is back in full force. I'll find some way to quell this.

Anyway, I didn't go to college today. I have a habit of getting lazy near the end of the week and always wanting to take Saturdays off. Today, I overslept, and woke up late, not late enough to miss the bus,but I didn't want to go, so I just rolled back into bed and fell asleep. Lol. It's also good in a way, because now I'm fresh and awake enough to study for the Physio test that I have on Monday. I'm really scared, but also confident that I'll do well. :)

Yesterday was my friend's A's birthday. Remember A from a previous blog post? Her. A week before, me and our friends made a plan to surprise her on her birthday. I was going to back a cake, and then we would just...well, surprise her. Lol. For the first time ever, the cake turned out P.E.R.F.E.C.T. I'm serious. It wasn't raw, it didn't break, it didn't burn. It was a perfect round shaped chocolate cake. Just my luck, I guess. I wrapped it in cling film and at the end of the day at college, we all went to the hostel, and me and S came later with the cake. It was a really nice time, we sang Happy Birthday and she was so happy, it made me happy. :)

It was overall,  a nice Friday to begin with.

When I came home, I had to take my sister to her college, because she was about to start her 3 week residence course. In that, she has to stay over at small ''houses'' in her college, where she lives with ten other girls, and she has to decorate it and have duties regarding it, like cleaning and cooking and washing. It looked so weird, packing things up in the pick up truck, and two suitcases near the table. She's having fun though, and I'll see her in 3 weeks.

Yesterday I didn't get much studying done, and I plan on doing much more today. I only have today and tomorrow to study for the test. So, I must go. I hope everybody has a great weekend, and I'll try to blog as much as I can, because God knows that I can really need it sometimes.

Sensitive and independent.

Today is Saturday. Lol. I've had a very hectic, confusing two days. Of course,most of it involves H and the whole detachment I'm doing. It's been feeling very weird, I can't explain it in any other way. A part of me is feeling like I should never return back to normal with him, because then he'll start taking me for granted again and then things will go back to normal or barely calling, texting, or making time. But because I gave my blood test yesterday and I got the reports back (I am clear MashAllah, I don't even have anemia, which I was completely expecting) I realized, in my heart, whether out of love or habit, that I really wanted to call him up and tell him. So, fighting my ego, I called him. He was sleeping, but later in the afternoon I called him again at 5:30, and he called back and we talked for about 10 minutes. I told him that even though things are a little rough with me at the moment, I still thought of him as one of my closest friends, and I wanted to share things with him.

This entire thing made me very vulnerable and weak feeling all day, because I did not want things to go back to the horrible way they were, of me not being heard out or appreciated. Because I don't know about anybody reading this, but it hurts like hell. It hurts a lot, very much, to know that you are ready to give this one person your all, your everything, and you do go that extra mile for them occasionally, once in a while, but they either don't notie it or don't care or don't appreciate. There was a quote I heard a while back ''I'm taking my heart back. I hope you notice.'' and I felt that that quote defined me. H is not a cheater, the farthest from it. But sometimes, I feel like he doesn't really notice any difference in the way I act with him. He can't tell if I'm crying over the phone. And I have long since stopped telling him or hinting at him that I am.

So we had an extraordinarily long talk last night, a talk that has left me with a multitude of choices to make. I finally gathered up the courage to tell him that his smoking thing has changed my image of him almost entirely, and made him typical in my eyes. He said that to him, typical meant that a person his age would be enjoying his life, like always going out with friends, and he is taking care of his family and going to work and minimizing outgoings as much as possible. I agreed that while that was true, I felt that he was being typical towards me. Prove your love in the beginning, as hard as you can, then when you think you've made them secure, drop it and do whatever you want. That there is no need to talk every night, no need to share. Even though H says he doesn't think that way at all, he wants to talk at night, I'm sorry to say that that is how I feel. He doesn't share his feelings anymore, so I don't know what he's thinking, and I assume. And naturally, I assume the worst. So all in all, it was a talk that did lighten me a bit, we did clear out some concepts. I told him that I will never tell him to quit smoking, because I don't want to know that I was the reason behind it, and he said he was planning to quit anyway. I told him we'll see, and to tell me as a surprise when you really dod ecide to do it. First choice: Should I expect him to quit just because he said he would? No, definitely not. I should just forget about it and keep on moving on and just hope that he does one day. I know that when I have to dissect a body of a man whose lungs have been battered with nicotine, I will completely freak out and tell him that he must quit now. He knows I will not be able to live with it, there are just too many things associated with it.

Reason why I hate H smoking:

1.I have many traumatic associations with it, and my mind has assumed that smoking=bad people, or evil, no matter how good they are.

2. It's deadly! I don't care how often or less you smoke, it still kills you, it still harms you, and though H will not want to admit it, his coughing is all due to his smoking. 

3.It sets a bad example for yourself and for your family. If we end up getting married, I DO NOT want my children to go through the same thing I went through, seeing their father smoke, and wanting earnestly to stop it. 

4. It causes infertility. And deformation of babies. And stunted growth and retardation. Enough said. Even though he said he won't smoke inside the house, his smoking may still affect his future.

5.He only started it because it's the norm here, in Pakistan. Every guy smokes, it's not even funny. You walk on the street and there's 50 men, and I can guarantee that 49 are smoking. Men are smoking while they're driving, while they're riding their motorbike, while they're waiting in line, while they're talking on the phone, while they're buying something from the store. It's like they never even heard of anything regarding the harmful effects of smoking. Why don't people just get it? Hello?! It ruins your lungs, it makes you breath shorter, it weakens your heart, it clogs your arteries, it can cause infertility, it causes bad breath, yellows your teeth, stains your fingers, causes mucus to jam in your throat, takes away 6 minutes of your life. And even if you end up on of the miracle people who live a long life (like my grandfather who died at 82) you live horribly. My grandfather has half a lung, an iron lung, one kidney, and diabetes. After his lung was surgically removed, the doctor told him there was no way he could smoke again. So he quit when he was 75. Is that really the life these people want to lead? A life where their internal organs look gross and nasty and are being ruined?

Okay, yeah, that was a major rant right there. Lol.

Moving on...today was the fun fair in our college. :) I planned on taking my sister with me, and her friend came along too. We had...limited fun, mostly because I was really tired (I stayed up till 4:30am talking to him on the phone) and so I wasn't really in the mood to get so dressed up, but I did. I think I could've honestly looked better though. I had a few things to eat,like pizza, and I introduced all my friends to my sister (that was the main part actually...no matter how many things come between me and my sister, we're still close and we still want to involve ourselves in each other's lives as much as possible) and then we just hung around and took pictures. I reached there by 10am and left by 1pm, even though it ended at 4, I was way too tired. But overall it was a fun day. :) My batch had a stall which was macaroni salad, but it really wasn't selling as great as everything else. Lol. 

Oh Christ, I have 4 pages of Anatomy to learn, and it's 11pm, and I have to revise things too. I have my third substage this Monday. :S Pray for me. I hope everybody is having a good weekend!

Scratches.

Maybe I'll never admit it to him.

But God, wouldn't I love this feeling again.

The day is ours.

Today was an okay day. We have a funfair coming up in our college, which I wasn't excited about in the beginning, but I am now. It's not going to be so grand, especially since H can't come (even throughout the whole emotional change I'm going through regarding him, I still think of him in every situation of my life...habit) but since I'm going to be running two stalls, it should be fun!

Today, tomorrow and Saturday are going to be the most relaxing days till spring break, because classes will end at 10am! How sweet is that? It's because of literary functions that occur afterwards.

The day began with me meeting up with An in the cafe, and she was getting ready to go to a debate, and she was completely freaking out. I told her that I would love to go with her, and she told me that the head only allowed two people to go with her, and she chose one...of course, her twin sister. Lol. Later on, I saw two missed calls from her though, and found out that she was going to take me. Dammit.

 Today was a Biochemistry tutorial, and I actually came to class completely prepared, because the previous two teachers who taught us this class were very strict about learning all the material. Guess what? This teacher was so relaxed and did not berate anyone for not learning, she asked ''Who honestly hasn't learned the lectures?'' and when she saw a show of hands, she just told them to listen to the people who did learn. My bad luck. But hey, on the bright side, I've gone through the material once, and I'm sure that I will do the same thing again for the next tutorial. :) It's practice for my own self, as Biochemistry is the only lecture which you actually have to listen to, otherwise you really won't get it when you go home and learn by yourself. I had to learn that the hard way.

So after that class, I hung around with friends for a bit, being in two minds whether to stay till 2pm, when my bus was going to leave, or leave early on the local bus route. After I saw my friends leaving, I decided on the latter. I went home on the local, and took a nap, and woke up at 3:30. I hurriedly dressed and told my brother that he had to take me to Makro, the consumer warehouse, because I was given the responsibility of buying the disposable things. I never knew spoons, plates, and bowls would be so expensive :S I totally thought I would save money, but I'm almost out. We couldn't find disposable forks anywhere, so we've decided to make macaroni instead of spaghetti noodles, which will require the use of a spoon. So now I have to go back AGAIN tomorrow to get spoons. I don't mind, it's kind of fun. :) Throughout the whole rush of running around and getting things, me and my brother stopped for some chocolate chip ice cream.

It was really good, hehe. I didn't have a lot of time to enjoy it, but it's been awhile since I've had ice cream, so it was fun. I want some more now.

I got home at around 6, had some dinner, and then sat down to study. That was basically my day.

I took a picture of something very..strange to all of you. It's the bones that I brought home to study with. Yes, they are actual, real, live human bones, that have been ossified and dried up and chemicalized, basically. It's not scary really, just... a bit odd. I hold them all the time.

More quotes from me!

''Thanks for letting me know I could attain such heights of happiness. I will always remember you for that. That I can do anything. That I can push myself.''

This explains what I'm going through right now, emotionally. I don't really like talking about my vulnerability anymore. Anybody have any idea why? I just really feel like things have reached the Point of No Return, that nothing can return back to the way it was, because of circumstance, because of my image of him, because I won't let myself. I won't let myself fall back into his sweet trap of being so loving and caring, because he's only doing it knowing that I'm emotionally detached from him. The moment he hears me say I love you again, he will take me for granted. I will not let him.

He thinks what he does doesn't hurt me. Boys can say the smallest things without giving it a thought, and that's usually what the girl remembers the most...and cries about.

Let's do this right.

I have Bluetooth in my laptop, and for a few days it has been down and I couldn't get pictures, but now it's working fine and I can show you all the delayed photos that I've been meaning to show.

 I was sitting on a bench on the morning of the Biochemistry test, and when I looked up, I saw this. Too beautiful. Took a picture.

Lol, this was just random. They were pretty flowers, it's on the platform of the lawn. :)

The last of everything.

''It's not the highlight of your day anymore, is it? To talk at night. It's something we have to do, just. It's only a part of our day, we don't look forward to it anymore. What happened? Where did it all go? Everything wasn't supposed to change this way.We were supposed to keep the spirit of love and communication alive We were supposed to work at this.''

''Nothing changed after that night. There was no point in talking about anything. You didn't go out of your way to love me. I don't know what I was waiting for.''

I don't care about all the recent nights we've talked. It was last night that I needed it, and you weren't there. I don't need nor have any excuse to justify you or me. I have delivery reports so that I can clear up any misunderstanding. Instead, it just proved you to be a liar. And that's enough. Enough is enough. I love the way you lie, especially when I know the truth. So in all honesty, make way in your life for things that you want. Smoke till your brain dries up. Drink till you're wasted.Swear on a regular basis. From now on, I simply plainly don't care about you.''

I'm sick of your fake promises and empty sorrys. I will not make excuses for you anymore. I'm done.''

''You cannot be more sorry than you should be. It's emotionally impossible for you now. You're only limited to saying it, thinking it's enough.''

''If you make the complaint of me not replying and keeping in contact with you,let it be known that I have proven myself to you countless times. And you've always disproven and yet clain the contrary. This was your chance. To actually prove something. If you couldn't see that...then not some, but everything has changed about you.''

''Oh crap. I just remembered what you wrote to me in your last Valentine's card. Now the pain is tenfold.''

''I'm sorry. I don't believe in Valentine's Day anymore.''

''My happiness then, depended on the promises for now.The promise of never changing, of always loving me this deeply...and now, instead of feeling sad, you laugh. And I don't know what to do or say.''

''What do you think I should expect or do or act like, now that things are changing?''

''What can you say that will ever make me believe that you care about me? Because I really feel like you don't.''

''I hav to put my guard up. I'm not happy with you. And I want you to know that. Everytime I think of you, I'm sad. And the only reason I wait for our phone calls is to see if you realized anything.''

''Being romantically linked to someone who chronically breaks promises is a living nightmare and makes you lose faith in yourself and in humanity.''

I know that he said that life has to change, things are going to get harder...but it can't be this hard. Outside I might look fine, but inside there's a war, such a crazy war. You can't imagine the emotions and feelings I have to deal with in one day, and I think that if something matters to you so much, even if you have the most hectic day you will still remember them, and still feel.

I don't want to write more for fear of sounding like I'm the one being made a fool of. Because even though I know for sure he's not cheating on me, I just don't know what he IS doing for sure. I'm not vulnerable anymore. This will be the last of everything. I have officially lost all my faith in men. 

Pushing it back.

So today was the dreaded Biochem test. When I opened up my first set of notes, the ones I studied last week, I found out that I really didn't remember most of what was written. Maybe I had it psychologically planted in my mind that the course was too much for a first test. Anyways, even with a completely full and undigested stomach, I went to college, praying I wouldn't get sick there. I skipped first period (It was Histology practical, I've attended every single one except today's, so it's okay) and sat on a bench in the corridor and studied. Later A  joined me. This chick is really something. I met her under a weird circumstance, when me, Sa and S were reading a notice on the notice board, and she was there too, acting...well, very frank to everyone. And I didn't think anyone knew her, so it made me feel kind of ill placed, lol. Later I found out that she DID know Sa and S, and she was going to be S's roommate in the future, so it was all good. Literally the next day, she sat down with us, and for the next few days after that too. The thing that struck me was when I found out that she had listened to ''Breathe'' by Anna Nalick, a song virtually unknown to everyone except me, another friend, and my sister. It is very rare to find someone here who listens to your kind of music. I immediately liked her.

Me and her have gotten more chances to talk and chill than I have with anyone else, because me and her have skipped two General Anatomy classes, and my other friends were too goody goody to do so,lol. We've talked, and discovered there's literally only one difference between us: she likes rain and I don't. Otherwise that, we could've been formed from the same mind. We've talked about our views on men, about college, about life, about opinions, and I hope we get more time to talk about it in the future, because she honestly is a very cool girl. :)

So she spent the morning with me because she caught up with me while I was studying, so we studied together, then we went our separate ways to give the test. The test...itself, it was really weird, like I knew everything but in a butchered way, it was really crazy. The paper was really easy too, it's not like it was hard, but there was literally a shortage of time (only a half hour for 25 marks!)  and I came out of the classroom feeling very displaced. T shake off the feeling, I went with A to the cafe, and then to the lawn to just unwind, and it did help me with that. 

Afterwards, I went to Dissection, and just did an overview of what I'm supposed to learn for the next substage. It's not that hard! Just a few muscles of the lateral side of the leg, and some muscles of the foot, that's it. The knee and hip joint are the hard parts. And the good thing is, we have a written sub stage this time, meaning a proper test, so inshAllah I will do well. I've been having..memorizing trouble since I've been here, since there is no one book for everything, and I am reading things from a mixture of books, so nothing stays in my head unfortunately. :( I need to start spending more time memorizing and actually focusing on my studies.

I have detached myself from H for awhile. I don't have the capacity to deal with what is going on between us, and even though it's not an actual fight, like it's not like we're not taking to each other, but there's just something...Something I can't explain. Everytime I begin to feel sad when I think about us, I immediately divert my mind, and it's wonderful how somebody can do that. You don't have to focus on the pain, and just move on till the next time you think it up again. I am just tired of all the excuses that I have to put up with, when he gives them. Maybe I'll write a second blog post about this. Yes, I will. 

Tomorrow is a holiday because of the Prophet (PBUH)'s birthday, and I don't think it could have come as a better time. And then after that till the funfair, this week is going to be relaxed. I'm going to focus on what's important to me, and though it might seem hard in the beginning, if you're determined enough, you will leanr to shut the bad things out in life. It might take away some of your happiness, but in the end, everything does. And that's why love is so important. Because the people you love are supposed to be there for you and be the source of all your happiness, almost all the time.

Tangled.

Before anything else, I wanted to mention that I have de-activated my Facebook account. I did it on the spur of the moment, because I know that if I take time thinking about it, I will eventually not do it, and then regret it. There are many reasons for why I deactivated it, one being that it is a major distraction, I always think that I have to check up on it. Another, that it's becoming such a big hype, and I think life is worth much more than sitting on Facebook. Go out, explore the world, go shopping, read a book. This life is way too short.

I am feeling ill again. It is my fault, though I'm trying not to tell anybody. I wasn't supposed to eat anything that wasn't manufactured, and I ate a sandwich at the cafeteria. I haven't vomited yet, but my stomach is feeling very heavy, and I'm sure nothing has been digested. I am drinking a steaming mug of herbal tea (courtesy of my amazing mother) and inshAllah I will be better. I need to be, I have a Biochem test tomorrow, the first of its kind! :S I am starting to get scared now, especially since I still have some amount of course left. Pray for me.

Valentine's Day...was not special at all this year. H's in Islamabad, and even if he wasn't, there have just been too many events concerning him that is making me indifferent to everything. If I had started to write everything while it was fresh in my mind, I would've written it down here. But now it's old,and I don't feel like dredging anything up again. Just know that I want to feel detached from the world for awhile. This Valentine's meant nothing to me, and I think I am on my way to not believing in this day at all.

It went great for my sister though! The photos are still in my phone, but I will upload them as soon as I can.

I am not going to go study Biochem, that is the main priority right now, and then I'm going to get an early night's sleep. InshAllah, everything will work out.

Color wheel.

This mosque is by far the prettiest mosque I've seen in Pakistan. If anyone Muslim is reading this, they know why. It's because it resembles the Majid-e-Nabvi in Madinah, a place every true Muslims yearns to go. It's an amazing mosque.

Park. It just looked beautiful this day (10 Feb) in the morning. I was listening to ''You'' by Switchfoot and the mood was just really set this way.

The last foggiest day, and this is the same park. (7 Feb) 

 A fabulous shirt. It speaks for itself. The reason for the photo, basically, was this.

A few quotes I came up with while sitting in the bus, or being in my vulnerable moods.

''I'm not ugly. I just choose when to be beautiful.''

If you're going to attach yourself to somebody, learn to detach as well, just in case.''

''As long as you're not the reason, everything can be solved,right?''

''For all the girls who didn't give their heart yet. You're lucky. Despite what you've heard,it's not easy,it's not fun, and it's not worth it.''

Grey and black.

''Because everything comes second to your dreams.''

 Part of me never wants to grow up, because of all the sadness and bitterness there is in the world, and all the disappointments you have to face. I don't care much about drama, mainly because I don't cause it, and a little bit of drama is okay, but when it gets too overwhelming, and all you hear people saying is ''he said, she said'', then you basically want to tell everyone to STFU.

I'm the kind of person who needs to have everything under control. I cannot study unless I know I have a chance of getting good grades,unless I have the time management and the capacity in my brain and everything. As long as something is under my control, I will be happy. I might not act like a leader or bossy outwardly, but in actuality I really am. I control everything subconsciously, not by being stubborn and obnoxious, but by using logic to explain things to people, and usually they get it. Wow, that makes me sound either very manipulative or a genius, lol. I just realized how that sounded, writing it out here.

Let me tell you about my day today.

W was here! He is one of my ultimate favorite cousins, which makes it more funny since he's a male, and there has never been any romantic link between us (not that our mothers haven't tried). We've been close friends ever since my first day of landing into Pakistan, we met at the airport, and we just hit it off instantly. We were both 12, he's only 4 months older than me, and now we're both 20. He has honestly been my longest ever friend, and then after him comes Mehreen (who I met in October of the same year). It might not sound like such a big deal, but then again you have to remember that I grew up moving all the time. I lived in 7 houses before the age of 12, having a long time best friend never occurred to me, or whenever it did, it would make me sad because I never had anyone. Now I do, and more than anything that is the one thing I will miss about Pakistan: even though the country and the government are not stable, it gave me stability.

So he came over and spent the night at my place. We used to have this long standing tradition of me, him, and my sister staying up all night (no literally...we would sleep at 10am, when our parents would be waking up) and do various things. When we were kids, we would play games like Ludo or Carom. Now, we just sit on the terrace, while he smokes (don't get me started) and we talk. And talk and talk and talk. About everything under the moon, and there's no end. We will never stop and say ''Okay, we're done''. It's never been like that, and more than me being enthusiastic about talking, I love it when the person I'm talking to is also enthusiastic. And he always is :) 

So my sister had an exhibition at her college today, and even though I had no pre planning of it in my head, I just got up at noon and began to get ready to go there. I didn't really make any effort to dress up (reason why I'll tell you later, in this post or the next one) so I just randomly got ready, and me, W, Kt and Max went. The exhibition was fantastic! It's so amazing to see people make such beautiful things like sofas, dressers, water fountains, out of normal things. The prices were sky high, and the beauty of all those things made me wish I had a million rupees in my bank account, lol. Seriously. I couldn't take pictures of the home furniture, because there were too many people and I was afraid someone would tell me off, but I did take some pictures of the clothes that they designed and stitched. 

W gave me 500 rupees (I seriously am broke, and besides, W earns now it's not a big deal for him, lol) and I made the biggest mistake of spending all of that on a double cheeseburger meal at McDonald's :S And a brownie sundae, which was divine. I couldn't resist taking pictures of it.

 My main mood for today was indifference. Nothing really mattered to me, the exhibition was fun, and we went to McDonald's, and we all chilled and had sundaes, but it wasn't any very happy moment. Nothing was. I was really indifferent to everything, and I think I know why.

We stayed there till 5:00. In short,a very eventful Sunday afternoon. :)

Now, a little background information. Though I am better now, I have been sick since Thursday night. My stomach felt queasy, but it would always feel better during the day, and then when I would wake up after my nap, anything I ate would remain indigested until the following morning. Very strange schedule I was following. So, I think my stomach had had enough by this time, and after my Friday dinner, I vomited the whole thing out at 9pm. I assumed that things would be better after that, because vomiting basically takes all the bad stuff out (unless the bacteria is living inside your stomach, then no matter what you eat, you're gonna vomit it out) but no. I went to sleep early because  felt weak, and woke up at 2:45am with an excruciatingly painful stomach. I went to the bathroom, and basically vomited so much out that I felt like a mass of jelly afterwards, and I collapsed. Not going into details (because I don't want to be graphic) I was pumped with vitamins and minerals, and was restored, to some extent. I felt much better after the second time I vomited, because that's when I knew that everything bad in me was gone. I was racking my body for a full 10 minutes, it was absolutely crazy. I still felt very weak, and W freaked when he looked at me, saying that I looked skeletal. I feel much stronger now than I did before,and I will continue to take care of myself, and inshAllah I will be completely alright by Tuesday, which is when I give my first ever Biochem test :) So everything works out.

I really must dash, I have to study for the Biochem test and prepare for tomorrow's tutorial. But before I go, let me update that  did not become BR, Haf still is, because it created so much drama, Haf started getting angry, and we decided to have a vote on Friday, but before the vote happened, I decided to step down, it wasn't worth making Haf my enemy. I can still be sub BR whenever Haf is absent, and classmates still call me up or text me asking about topics to prepare or any updates, so that's enough for me, the fact that they prefer me to be BR, but they might not actually have the guts to say it.

I hope everybody had a good weekend and are prepared for the coming week :)

Splashes of color.

It's so weird how a person can be in two different moods at once. And how easily we humans can get distracted. No joke. 

I used to be a person that if I woke up with a bad mood, for whatever reason, even for no reason at all, that mood would remain, and utterly nothing could make me happy. Now, I could wake up knowing I had one of the biggest fights with H the night before (yes, that's what happened) and still have an amazing awesome fun filled day. Is this maturity? The start of something? Becoming cold? I don't know :S

Me and H had a fight the night before. There are just some days, or nights where I'm dead inside, really just feel nothing, and I need someone to know it. I told H last night that I didn't need anyone. And he told me that physically, nobody actually needs anybody, but he's looking at life so rashly that way. He's also the same guy who said we won't die if our loved ones die, because all we need to live is oxygen. All of that is true, but I don't want to look at life this logically. Life is meant to be spent with the ones you love, being alone is a horrible predicament that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Everybody needs somebody, and though I didn't admit it, I do need H. I just don't want him to know that anymore.

A lot of things were said, but in the end, like always (don't worry I wanted to) I swallowed it and acted normal. We ended the conversation normally, but of course I felt weird. I just want things to be normal, really. I don't want to fight, I don't have the strength to fight at all, and so even though I got my point clear across to him, I was so worried about things being weird after this.

So, Monday morning, college begins. I usually hate Mondays, and for some reason my body has been aching for a long time, sometimes my legs or my back. I think it's because of all the walking I do in college. So I actually came prepared for my Physio tutorial today, and that was nice, I knew everything the Madam asked, so I didn't feel too uncomfortable. Everyone was in such a good mood too, because most of them were coming from visiting their homes in other cities-the hostelites, basically. I felt really good for them, that brightened my mood, the fact that everyone else was so happy.It rained last like at 3:30am, and then we saw clouds towering over us at around 9:30 m, and it literally felt like we were sitting in college near sunset time. Then the light started fluctuating on and off, and when it was time to go for my next lecture the light was out. I was hoping, hoping hard, that we wouldn't have classes today, but the light had come back. :(

And then it went away again.

And then it came back. Lol. So this was basically a game being played, I don't know. Sa and S came, and both were in great moods, hugging and smiling. And I noticed that S always has a ready smile on her face on Mondays. I'm sure this means that subconsciously, she does miss college, or more importantly, she misses us, she missed her friends. :) That makes me feel pretty alright. I place actions in much higher priority, definitely more than words. So even if S had acted mean all day after that (which she didn't,we talked about her trip to Spain and her doing Umra) I still would've felt content knowing that truly, she was happy to see us that Monday morning. Words mean nothing until and unless you have the actions to prove that they're right.

The first lecture went good, and then after that we were supposed to have Anatomy, but...the light went out and it didn't come back! Yay! So, the teacher basically resigned to let us all go after we gave our attendance. The weather was awesome, we had a free period, everything was going my way today :)

It gets better. The usual Batch Rep,and today she was absent. By default, for no apparent reason, I am the sub Batch Rep, a job that I do not take seriously at all. Lol. It's mainly because BR is normally here, so I don't have to worry about anything. Being  BR is very troublesome sometimes, you're always running around and doing things, and you miss classes, which was the one thing that made me decide that I didn't want to be one. But after today's events, I think I might have changed my mind.

Today instead of Dissection Hall, we had something called a Grand Tutorial. Students were made into groups of 7 or 8, and assigned to a doctor, where it was kind of like a session where you could tell the good and bad points about the college. It was basically for suggestions and improvements,and I liked it a lot, it was really helpful. Some of the doctors weren't in the college, they were male and in our affiliated hospital, which made it even more exciting, because it added an extra element to dull routine, let's say.

Now that put me in charge of finding out which doctors my batchmates were assigned to, where there departments were, explain what the tutorial was about,and then helping basically in any way I can. I really thought it would be annoying and tiresome. But it was awesome and exhilirating, seriously. I enjoyed it so much, giving orders, telling people the right things, where to go. I told you before, I like taking charge, and I like it even better when people are actually listening to me. It felt awesome to be standing in front of the class and giving an announcement. I really, personally, wanted to be Batch Rep, but of course we already had one, so I thought it was enough to enjoy it while BR is absent. Then, as I was sitting with my group waiting for my doctor to come into her office, one of the girls said to me ''You are a better BR than she is, if she was here today, we'd all be late to our tutorials. You really know how to handle things, you should be BR.''

You have no frickin idea how happy that made me. Seriously. I haven't fully decided on it yet, but I wouldn't mind if I was, I guess. When I told An about it (she's the BR of Batch C, God it sucks not being in the same batch) she said ''You should go for it! I'd vote for you.'' 

So, it basically made my day to know that I'm good at what I always thought I was, which is organizing and leading. The truth is, I'm really lazy to do it, all I need is the courage and motivation to step up to the plate. :) It made me happy. I love things that make me happy.

The tutorial was insightful, there were also girls from 3rd year and 5th year there, so it was good to know their side of the college,and what their problems are. I complained about the variety of food in the canteen, and about the rapidity of the Histology lectures, but that's about it. I was on a high today, I felt like I was literally floating on air for getting all the attention today. It was really nice.

So all in all, college was a good day. I talked to An and R afterwards, it looked so cool watching those two twins interact, and I knew that I was about to miss my bus, but it was literally so much fun talking to them that even though I was so tired, I didn't want to go home :P They're both awesome, and I hope they don't feel like I'm slightly stalkerish or paranoid, or basically thinking of me in the same way as I think of BR  :S

I came home, and went straight to bed, and woke up at 7. Things lightened regarding H, because he sent me three texts and they were all sweet, contrary to the texts he sent this afternoon (which were normal, civil, nothing angry) and I went through little sister's papers with her (she did satisfactory).

I'll leave you with some picture of my day :)

 This is my bus stop, 7am in the morning. The thing I really don't like about cameras is that they can never capture what you see with your eyes. So, this picture does not do what I saw this morning justice. It had rained the night before, so there were small puddles everywhere and a nice chilly air. 

An is in this, no I will not tell you where she is. Lol. This is after Anatomy class when the Madam said that we had to put our own attendance on. Attendance is a really big deal in college, because your attendance makes your reputation with the teachers. And it's not just that, the attendance also decides if we are allowed to even give the examinations or not :S so you can imagine why everyone was swamping the front platform of the lecture hall. Lol.

I have been on this page for over 2 hours trying to assemble everything together and I'm finally done. Hopefully my night will be as good as my day. :) I have loads to do, one of those things involve having my dinner! Lol. Cheers, I hope everyone had a good Monday :)

Run.

Just to make my mood a bit better, and because I've recently become addicted to taking pictures of everything, here was my day in pictures. Lol. I woke up at 1pm, and already had things to do.

That is the first thing I saw when I woke up this afternoon. Lol. My little sister, sleeping, with all her books scattered around her. Wow. I'm glad she's getting serious in her studies, and as of now, she is studying as well. InshAllah, she will give good papers tomorrow. :)

 This was the picture taken by me, insistently by my brother, who was going to go have his haircut. Kind of like a ''before'' picture. It's all gone now. He looks like a mouse. Unfortunately, I don't have a picture of that. 

The noodles me and Kt made today! They were delicious, much more than the last..3 times they were made. Filled with vegetables and chicken. :) I'm on my second helping while writing this.

It's now 5:15pm, and that was my day in pictures basically. Cheers (:

Drafts.

Whenever I get down, lonely, or a random thought regarding him pops into my head, I go directly to my messages in my phone, and I write a draft. I write it to keep the feeling there, and let go of it for the moment. I really need outlets, and that too inanimate ones, I never realized how much until I literally became dependent on Blogspot and my drafts folder. Lol. Sometimes, the message I write is what I actually want to text him,out of anger or hurt or sadness, but I don't have the courage to, so they just go to my Drafts. 

And I act totally normal around him.

Anyways, I thought that I would put them here. They're not too personal, they're associated with the usual emotions. Actually, I need to clear up space in my phone. For some reason, it can only hold 500 texts, which is absurd, since I have a memory card. But it doesn't include storage for texts, just for pictures and videos and music :/ Weird phone.

So, this is me in my most emotional, vulnerable, weakened state. I don't have any apprehension in sharing this, I think that you are only as strong as your weakest link. And this is mine.

''I don;t like that he smokes. I don't like that he can't call sometimes. I don't like that he's not emotional or compassionate anymore. I don't like that he doesn't make time for me, or doesn't apologize when my feelings are hurt, or doesn't think about my needs. I don't like that he's not expressive anymore. I don't like his newfound temper. I don't like his lack of support and love and patience. I don't like his neglect at making plans to meet or lack of efforts or trying I don't like that I can't trust him. God. That's alot.''

''What problem do you think you can arise from my side about marriage?''

''When they're not there for the important parts of your life, they may as well not be there at all.''

''My relationship with him isn't bad. We're not fighting. But it's not where I want it to be. I need to ask him if it's where he wants it to be.

And in response to that:

''He said it's not where he wants it to be. He wishes we would meet each other more. Interact, communicate with each other, meet every day.''

''It's one of three.

1.You think about what I say, and you give a response.

2.You're too tired.

3.You're thinking of something else (like what you're going to say next) and you don't respond.''

''No matter how long it's been,if we ever have to be apart, will you wait for me?

He said yes. Of course.

I asked, will you ever fall in love again?

He said no.''

''Do you believe in me? He says

No.

Then why are you still here, with me?

Just in case you do live up to your words, I want to be there when it happens.''

''Sometimes, being with you is like being with nobody.''

Honestly you haven't thought about it, have you? About making anything up to me. About how important our talks are. Do you even feel this overpowering urge to talk to me? About making me comfortable,about giving me more time,about picking me up from college. About giving me my birthday gift,remembering small things I say,living up to your promises and words. Placing my needs and wants on priority,getting ready to change anything about you to make me happy. Like your smoking. Like I did. I feel like I don't even know you anymore. You've added all these different elements in your life. You've made it more complicated yourself. I tried keeping it simple. My life still is simple if I want it to be. I made it complicated and tough so that I wouldn't feel sorry for myself for waiting all those hours for you. I would do anything for you.And I'm having a really hard time believing it's likewise.''  

''You were the one that asked about my sub stage 3 days after it happened. Only after you could find time. And you blame me for not asking about your first day of work? I'm here for you. I always was. It's not vice versa though. Even with college in the morning, I want to know how your life is. I want to eliminate your fears,because I know exactly how it feels to have doubts about the one you love.And you take that and feel happy, while I sit here and worry. I've decided I don't like being tense.At all. I'm getting gray hair because of it. You know what I want. If you can't make me happy,that's not my fault. I'll pay attention to the people and things that can.''

''I deserve somebody who can give me more time. Who is romantic and emotional and will know how I'm feeling for every situation. Who will text me if he can't call, and will always remember every day to try harder for his relationship to work. For his love to be happy. Otherwise I'll start to learn to be happy without you. I'll get used to you never being there.''

''If I was to leave you, because of your behavior, not because of someone else, would you fight to keep me?''

''You said that you would feel guilty your entire life if you didn't marry me. I'm just curious, but you would never forcibly marry me if you didn't want to right You don't feel bound or trapped by me do you?

He says he feels trapped by time,never by me. He willingly meets me and talks to me. And enjoys our relationship. :)''

''I don't know what happened last night, but I'm dead sure you don't remember half of what you said you would tell me. The plan on Friday? The secret from Sunday? I remember, you forget. This relationship is so one sided it's not even funny.''

''If we know we're going to lose the ones we love, why do we still love them so much?''

''And I'm sick and tired of remembering the past. Because that's not you anymore,and it will never be you again. You've been reassuring me for no reason,giving me hope with no purpose. You will never love like you did before. And I have to stop believing and get out of these dreams, even if it hurts. The past is only beautiful when you know it can come again. And I don't think it will, despite what you say. You've broken all your other promises. Give me one valid reason why I should believe this one.''

I wrote the last one about a half hour ago. See the conflict of emotions, the fight with me against me? It's crazy being me, the rage of thoughts never stops. So I've decided to just become immune to myself, regarding him.