Google Earth-ed my old NYC home. Spent the last hour going through the streets, and seeing it all- John and Joe's Pizzeria, the mosque me and K went to as kids. Many memories of that place. Where I learned how to offer namaaz for the first time. When I completed Quran for the first time. Alot of firsts. P.S 105 right opposite our apartment building, yet I was still late to school everyday. Also, I thought I dreamt that me and K would go to a library nearby. But as I searched, it was there. 0.3 miles away. New York Public Library. Hours and hours spent there. (How did Mom ever let her 10 and 9 year old walk there alone?)
I do not talk about my love affair with NY as much as I should.
October 30, 2014
Oh, say say say.
I'm learning to treasure loneliness. Alone with my laptop while the rest of the working household sleeps as early as 11pm. And I lower the brightness of my screen and cuddle up with a blanket.
Musicmusicmusic. It is all affecting me all the time. I am inclined to listen to music that stirs my soul and gives me shivers. Makes memories. Maps by Yeahyeahyeahs. Laage Re Nain. Tere Ishq Main. Please Don't Leave Quite Yet.
It's International Cat Day and my kitty is sick. Aww.
Since Ramadan I have been completely and utterly overwhelmed each day thinking about all that is waiting for me in December. The wedding. The dresses and the dances and a birthday and my best friend being here from the States. Not to forget the ever present vivas and practicals of fourth year prof. My mind has been torn and panicked at what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to juggle it all. One day I broke down just THINKING about it in its totality. Cried and cried and the tears wouldn't stop. And after that I simply placed my faith in Allah. He has got to help me through this. I refuse to worry anymore. I need to take each day and enjoy all that comes. Even if dance practices and hangouts with Mehreen means sleepless nights or barely breathing, I will do it. It's a worrying time coming up, but let me look at it in a more optimistic way: I'm going to see Mehreen after 7 years, and I'm going to be involved in so many activites (including prepping for exams) that I will never forget December 2014. A thousand plans are already lined up. Food Street in the chilly twilight atop Fort View. Al Hamra, Liberty, breakfasts, lunches. I'll be fine.
This swollen right neck lymph node is bothering the absolute crap out of me.
Proff exams in three weeks.
Dairy Milk Fruit and Nut every day is my survival, baby.
Musicmusicmusic. It is all affecting me all the time. I am inclined to listen to music that stirs my soul and gives me shivers. Makes memories. Maps by Yeahyeahyeahs. Laage Re Nain. Tere Ishq Main. Please Don't Leave Quite Yet.
It's International Cat Day and my kitty is sick. Aww.
Since Ramadan I have been completely and utterly overwhelmed each day thinking about all that is waiting for me in December. The wedding. The dresses and the dances and a birthday and my best friend being here from the States. Not to forget the ever present vivas and practicals of fourth year prof. My mind has been torn and panicked at what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to juggle it all. One day I broke down just THINKING about it in its totality. Cried and cried and the tears wouldn't stop. And after that I simply placed my faith in Allah. He has got to help me through this. I refuse to worry anymore. I need to take each day and enjoy all that comes. Even if dance practices and hangouts with Mehreen means sleepless nights or barely breathing, I will do it. It's a worrying time coming up, but let me look at it in a more optimistic way: I'm going to see Mehreen after 7 years, and I'm going to be involved in so many activites (including prepping for exams) that I will never forget December 2014. A thousand plans are already lined up. Food Street in the chilly twilight atop Fort View. Al Hamra, Liberty, breakfasts, lunches. I'll be fine.
This swollen right neck lymph node is bothering the absolute crap out of me.
Proff exams in three weeks.
Dairy Milk Fruit and Nut every day is my survival, baby.
October 18, 2014
Change of seasons and of minds.
Whenever fall arrives, I feel so much better regarding everything. Because sweater weather is the best weather. Summers are just not at all inspiring. Loved how it turned chilly in one day, literally just one day. And the geysers were on the next. And fans stopped, and boots will come out.
I have been living life like a robot for too long. It feels like generally, I'm following a pattern, and I can't seem to break out of it. I rely on small things to make me happy. And I know they say that it's the little things, but not when you're living montonously. The shittiest part is, I have no idea why I'm living like this. I feel caged. I need more creativity, less medicine. Less Pathology and Eye and ENT. I need planning and designing and ideas to pop into my head, and me following through with them. I feel like I've been dead. I need to wake up.
Sister is getting married this year, and the excitement is dulled down. I wish there was more of it. Today at midnight, me and K just started dance practicing and I liked it. I liked learning steps and imagining myself wearing my ghagra choli, all done up and dancing on her wedding. Family and financial issues can really bring a person down and shut them up from inside.
After the sendups, life is going to go CRAZY. I have been feeling overwhelmed all year, in the anticipation of the fact that my prof exams will be in the middle of my sister's wedding, with my best friend of nearly 13 years coming from the States to attend. I feel like I'm going to be juggling everything. All the balls will be up in the air. I spent months worrying. Worrying so long, and deeply, that my health started to decline. Before I slept every night I worried. Dresses, event mnagement, photographers. But now. I've dropped all the worrying (which is a new thing for me) and I've put my faith in Him. I'm taking everything one step at a time, and I need to slow down.
I am such an anxious person. I talk a mile a minute and I believe a minute is a second long. My actions are fast, I'm quick to laugh and people who don't know me can barely understand what I say. I want to change this. I want to, in effect, slow down. Like take a breather and realize that there are 60 seconds, and so much can happen in a minute. And I don't need to jump up and answer the door right away or reply instantly to that Whatsapp or fidget and bite my nails or tap my feet all. The. Time. I need to sit back and look at what's around and enjoy and soak it all in.
Planning my sister's surprise bridal shower today, I felt a happiness I hadn't felt in a long time. And screw financial issues, I am not going to be the practical one and be pessimistic and realistic and say Oh, we can't do it, it's too hard or it's a lot of work. Screw all that. This is not just for K, it's for me too. A moment where I can take a break from the monotonous pattern and let my creativity and ideas flow. Get happy with the idea of what to buy and what to plan and the food and the menu. And making sissy happy. I am not only anxious, I'm boring. I won't do something if it requires alot of work, or alot of money. And that's something else that needs to change. I need to take this "party pooper" mood and throw it out the window.
A lot of changes are going to be happening around here. Well, the effort to change atleast.
I have been living life like a robot for too long. It feels like generally, I'm following a pattern, and I can't seem to break out of it. I rely on small things to make me happy. And I know they say that it's the little things, but not when you're living montonously. The shittiest part is, I have no idea why I'm living like this. I feel caged. I need more creativity, less medicine. Less Pathology and Eye and ENT. I need planning and designing and ideas to pop into my head, and me following through with them. I feel like I've been dead. I need to wake up.
Sister is getting married this year, and the excitement is dulled down. I wish there was more of it. Today at midnight, me and K just started dance practicing and I liked it. I liked learning steps and imagining myself wearing my ghagra choli, all done up and dancing on her wedding. Family and financial issues can really bring a person down and shut them up from inside.
After the sendups, life is going to go CRAZY. I have been feeling overwhelmed all year, in the anticipation of the fact that my prof exams will be in the middle of my sister's wedding, with my best friend of nearly 13 years coming from the States to attend. I feel like I'm going to be juggling everything. All the balls will be up in the air. I spent months worrying. Worrying so long, and deeply, that my health started to decline. Before I slept every night I worried. Dresses, event mnagement, photographers. But now. I've dropped all the worrying (which is a new thing for me) and I've put my faith in Him. I'm taking everything one step at a time, and I need to slow down.
I am such an anxious person. I talk a mile a minute and I believe a minute is a second long. My actions are fast, I'm quick to laugh and people who don't know me can barely understand what I say. I want to change this. I want to, in effect, slow down. Like take a breather and realize that there are 60 seconds, and so much can happen in a minute. And I don't need to jump up and answer the door right away or reply instantly to that Whatsapp or fidget and bite my nails or tap my feet all. The. Time. I need to sit back and look at what's around and enjoy and soak it all in.
Planning my sister's surprise bridal shower today, I felt a happiness I hadn't felt in a long time. And screw financial issues, I am not going to be the practical one and be pessimistic and realistic and say Oh, we can't do it, it's too hard or it's a lot of work. Screw all that. This is not just for K, it's for me too. A moment where I can take a break from the monotonous pattern and let my creativity and ideas flow. Get happy with the idea of what to buy and what to plan and the food and the menu. And making sissy happy. I am not only anxious, I'm boring. I won't do something if it requires alot of work, or alot of money. And that's something else that needs to change. I need to take this "party pooper" mood and throw it out the window.
A lot of changes are going to be happening around here. Well, the effort to change atleast.
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