My take on the cancer stick.

This is something that I've needed to rant about for a long time, but I think I never found the courage for it, or I didn't want to open up that part of my life. There's always going to be one thing for everyone that will be so painful to remember, and this is mine. But after some considerable thought, I've decided to let it all out. Maybe I'll write sentences that I didn't even know I felt.

Smoking.

I've been exposed to smoking ever since I was a little girl, because my dad is a smoker. In the United States, we had a program in school called D.A.R.E-Drug Abuse Resistance Education. Police officers would be assigned to different elementary schools all over the country, to teach children not to smoke or drink or give in to peer pressure as they get older. They told us all these things like ''People will tell you smoking is cool, and it might even look cool to do it, but it's not'', and if words weren't enough, they would show us videos...extremely graphic videos as we went into higher classes. One of them, I remember clearly, showed a man who had a hole in his neck, and he talked robotically through a machine that had a tube going through that hole. It was crazy,and I vowed never to smoke or want to be associated with it. I even began to cry in class when the police officer told me that even people who lived around smokers could be just as affected, because of course I thought of me and my family. 

If this wasn't bad enough, I have seen my father go through hell because of this habit. He's been smoking as long as I can remember, and when I was around 7 or 8 years old, me and my sister, inspired by our D.A.R.E police officer, made ''No Smoking'' posters and put them up around our house, utterly convinced that he would stop. He laughed and kissed us, but of course, still smoked. It never made sense to me how he couldn't just stop, like you can stop eating, or stop watching TV whenever you want to. After that, I tried a little more vigorously, by asking him, then telling him, then yelling at him, then crying. He must've been so amused, lol. His 8 and 7 year old daughters telling him to stop smoking. I'm sure he was touched, but he knew that we didn't understand how much of an addiction it was with him. I remember one time, waiting for the elevator in our apartment building in New York, and I said ''Baba, please stop smoking. It's so bad for you. When will you stop?'' and he said ''Next year, I promise.''

I've literally been waiting for that ''next year.''

And the worst part. He has tried to quit a few times, mainly because it's a nuisance to smoke in the US. Most places are non-smoking, so in the end, you really have no desire to smoke. And he went through hell, absolute hell. Withdrawal symptoms at its peak, fevers, flus, vomiting. Just to make it all stop, he went back to smoking. It had become part of his system, he had to accept it, he didn't want to go through the pain of quitting, even if it meant leading a batter quality life. In 1999, I came home from school to find my dad face down in the living room. Mom had called 911, and the paramedics were there withing minutes, and when they took him away, and I watched in the video, Mom was crying and she said ''I don't think he's going to come back.'' That was the first time I saw smoking as a real threat, to anybody. Normally, when young adults and men begin to smoke, they don't see it as a real harm, and I totally understand. It's just a stick, a rolled up tiny stick, it can't do anything. That day was the first worst day of my life.

He came back home a few days later. He had a mild heart attack,due to a clogged artery. I thought he'd get it by then, but no. It had to take a person two heart attacks to understand how seriously dangerous it is. In 2001, Dad complained of his left arm going numb, and asked us to call the police. We did, and paramedics came again. Can you imagine what kind of traumatic memories I've had to be left with, to see the paramedics take my dad away for the 2nd time? There was also one more time before 1999, but I was too young to remember it. Mom does though. And it's not like my parents are abusive, not even in the slightest. So, this is probably my most painful memory.

The time in 2001, my dad came back after 4 days, and the doctor told him that he absolutely needed to cut down on his smoking to live better, otherwise he would have another heart attack soon. He has high cholesterol as well, so that's why it's been more of a problem. Thankfully, he bought Nicorette, and cut down. It's been 10 years, and he hasn't had another heart attack since :) I'm so proud of him, and happy too. He was a crazy chain smoker, and now he can go by with 5 a day, maybe 6 or 7. Sometimes more if he's tense or with friends, but not enough to hurt him again. Because of what happened when I was a child, I told myself that I would never date nor marry a guy who smoked. It was something I never needed to tell myself, I just knew, it was instilled in me. I did not want to go through th same thing I did when I was a child, even if he was a casual smoker. I did not want to go through the smell, or the smoke filled house, or anything at all, no matter how minor. I have way too many painful memories associated with it, just like a person would be afraid of clowns if they have bad memories of it.

In life, you mostly see things coming. If you see a girl with a spiked up hairdo, kinda masculine (I'm not associating stereotypes, I'm just saying) you would know that she has a lesbian-ish or bi side to her. If you know somebody who likes Sum 41 or Good Charlotte, it wouldn't surprise you when you find out their favorite new love is Paramore. It's not about if you like or dislike that side of a person, it doesn't really matter in the beginning because you saw it coming. I must stress this fact, because what I'm about to tell you, I DID NOT SEE IT COMING. NOT AT ALL.

I had known H for 3 years prior to committing into a relationship to him. He liked the same music as me, and we had talked so often and so constantly that I already believed in my heart and my entire being basically, that I knew him inside out. That was the last time I would ever say that about a person. In the summer of 2009, I found out that he was a smoker. And I didn't find out from him, nor from seeing him doing it. I found out from a third party who didn't know that I didn't knew. Wow. 

He never told me about it because obviously, he knew how strongly I felt about it and how sensitive I was towards it. So what, he was going to lie about it his entire life? It was so gut wrenching to find this out, literally, literally like a stab in the heart (I hope nobody reading this ever has to know how that feels). I had grown so intimate with this guy, in so many ways, only to find out that he smoked. It was really hard to take, and we fought about it, rawly, rashly, everything. I told him he had to stop, otherwise I couldn't be with him. He sent me this text: 

''Baby, before I had it that day, I promised myself it would be my last. God wanted you to know this, be it my first or last one. I'm terribly sorry. I've never felt this guilty before in my life. Before anybody. Please forgive me.''

Needless to say, I did forgive him, because he told me he would quit, that it wasn't an addiction for him, and for that atleast I had to agree, because we had met countless times over that year, and I never once smelled smoke on him. If it was an addiction, it would have to come out sooner or later. But it wasn't from lack of trying. It was because his parents didn't know about it yet, and so he couldn't do it as openly as he liked. Just even talking about it now,in this blog post, is hurting me like I knew it would. But I need this, I've had it buried for too long.

H is not a bad guy. Yeah, with his friends, he can get a little perverted with jokes, but he's never hit on a girl, he's never had another girlfriend, girls just aren't his interest. He doesn't drink, he's very family oriented and definitely career based. We share the same taste in music, in our future, in our wants and needs, and we accept many things about each other. And I know everyone reading this must be thinking ''It's just one bad thing, you should be able to deal with it, everything else about him is okay, you should stop over reacting.'' But did it really have to be this? One of the worst vices in the world, a vice I have personal issues with, not just social issues? It could've been anything else, why did it have to be that he was a smoker, something I hate beyond a doubt?

When I found out that H smoked, I knew right away exactly why I had made the decision not to date or marry a smoker. So many things changed in my mind about him, so many. It was unbelievable, the more I wanted to keep things normal, the more things changed. He must've thought that I did it on purpose, but no, it really just all happened out of nowhere. Before, he used to be a nice, shy, innocent, all around good person. This smoking thing totally turned that image upside down. Now he was a liar, and he smoked, and he was ruining his lungs, and who knows, maybe he was smoking packets a day and lying to me, or maybe he even drank too. Maybe he hit on girls. Trust was utterly broken. And I'm sorry to say, it still is. It was never ever brought back in full force.

He quit, like I said.  But then, just 6 months later, he texted me, and asked if he could smoke again. When I didn't reply, he said ''You actually fell for it!'' I knew he wasn't joking. He was testing me to see if I would let him, and he could cover it up as a joke if I got angry. I'm a girl, we are an intuitive species. I was really not liking the fact that he still wanted to smoke. Really didn't like it.

He left for the States in the summer of 2010. While he was there and we were chatting online, he said to me ''I have to ask you, rather tell you, that I am going to start smoking again.'' At this point, I really did not know how or what to feel. For him this was such a small thing, so small, and something that he apparently needed. He said he wasn't addicted, but then again, if you have to ask over and over, you want it THAT badly, don't you? He tries to normalize it in my head, by saying ''It's not like I cheat on you, or flirt with girls, I could be doing a lot worse things'', or '' It's like having a soft drink, it's not an addiction, but you like the taste, and you want it with a craving every once in a while.'' But you can't normalize a traumatic experience in anyone's head, no matter how paranoid or normal the person may be. I simply did not want to accept smoking, in any form. At all. I'm not proud to say that I have tried cigarettes before, but I am definitely proud to say that it was not addicting, had no affect on me, and I am not going to ruin my health or my body like that, even out of spite. I'm becoming a doctor, it is the ultimate hypocriticism to smoke. But besides that, I truly don't want to. I had a curiosity, it's over, and I have much more important (and cleaner and safer and innocent) things to be going on in my life with.

We all have to grow up in life, become adults, become hardened and tough in this world. I want to stay as innocent as long as possible, you have no idea how much. I've already learned how to manipulate, how to deceive, if needed I will do it, because you just cannot act naive in a world like this, where everyone is literally out to get you and suck you for all it's worth. Smoking, drinking, going out late, wearing tight clothes, swearing, having bad friends, I try to avoid it as much as possible and keep my life uncomplicated. I don't have the time nor the capacity to allow things to ruin my life.

Well, when he told me that, I had to agree, didn't I? I did. It killed me every day for 3 weeks. And in the end, I really couldn't take it anymore. I told him I wanted him to quit. Now. I cried, and mentioned how horrible it was, and how I thought of him as a stranger when he smoked. It was just too weird, not him. It's like finding out that your mother has been wearing a mask this whole time, and has a completely different face underneath. Yes, it was that hard on me, it's a personal thing, I've explained it as best as I could above why it's so personally hurting to me. If you still think I'm overreacting, please do comment and tell me so. And even if you don't, please still comment, I'd really like to know your take.

He told me he would quit, and we should never talk about it again. He was, of course, angry that he had to quit, and I was satisfied...for awhile. Remember when I said that the trust never came back in full force? Yeah. I didn't believe him when he said he quit. In fact, I worried even more when he told me that he had quit. He just wasn't trustworthy in my eyes anymore, and I didn't know how to tell him that or even how to tell him how to make himself trustworthy again. It was a total lose-lose situation. It still is.

For the third time, on October 16 last year, he asked me, yet again, if he could smoke. Just a few days prior, I had a long chat at McDonald's with  really close cousin of mine, Ali bhai. He told me to just get on with it and let him. It hurt to do it, so badly, but I let him. I haven't asked him to quit yet, it's been 3 months already. Some days go by fine, really. I just think that it's better to know that he's doing than him doing it behind my back (that was actually the reason he gave me for wanting to start again...so that he wouldn't go behind my back and smoke and lie to me about it. He might've thought it was a very noble thing to do, but like all men, he missed the point completely.He was supposed to know why and how it affected me, and let go of the whole thing completely, which wouldn't have been hard if he wasn't addicted. But sadly, I think he is.) But then there are those days. The days where I see a cigarette in someone's mouth, and my mind is transported instantly to him. You know how you sometimes have dreams about things you desire, or things you have been thinking about too much but have been burying in your mind and not thinking about it? Dreams are like your subconscious speaking. Well, for the past week, I've been having dreams of him smoking, and me yelling at him for it, or something of that sort. It affects me, and I have no idea what to do with it. I have normally been a person who speaks her mind, if not with my mouth, then with my actions and tears and facial expressions. H, in his way of smoking, has taught me to bury things inside. I don't know if it's good or not. I can easily just push things out of my mind now, even if it is very real and very undeniable. I need to deal with something before I can move on, and unless it's been dealt with, I will always be stuck. This is still as issue for me.

I'm training to become a doctor, and even though we have not studied the topic of smoking as of yet, I know we will, and we will see damaged lungs, hearts and bodies of people who smoked, even casually. I don't know how I can accept him smoking, and us being together. It's a very alien thought.

What I'm doing right now is ignoring it completely. I don't know how much he smokes, when he does it, and if he has done it in recent days or not. He's very touchy and sensitive on the topic, and to try to make myself move on, I have told myself that in love you need to compromise. But he really hasn't given me any reason to strongly believe that he is trustworthy enough. And without trust, there can be no relationship, I am a firm believer on that.

A part of me also believes that H sent that ''I'm sorry, I promise it was my last'' text to keep me quiet for the meanwhile, and calm me down, and go back to smoking again sometime in the near future. My trust has been burned by him so deeply (not so much) that I even doubt his intentions, which is something that I shouldn't doubt, no matter what. I think that he always planned to return to smoking. I never asked him, and I'm afraid of the answer too.

I refuse to deal with the fact sometimes, because I don't want to be woken to reality. This is so not me. No matter how bad the truth is, no matter how hard or how much it hurts, I make myself face it until I can learn the whys, the hows, the reasons, and then find a solution suitable for me, establish it as a fact, and only then can I move on. You cannot run away from reality. If you're failing in a class, you can't play video games or go out with your friends and forget about it. It's something you have to deal with, in your own way, and make them improve. Reality is right in the face, you can't ignore it. And I've been going against my own principles just because I don't want to deal with this. I'm afraid of the fights, I'm afraid of him, I'm afraid of what I might end up doing. Everytime I get angry at him for something, it always ends up going back to the smoking thing. God, it truly never does leave my mind.And it's not just the action itself, it's the fact that I don't see him as someone secure in my mind. He's always unpredictable, always going to do something bad, there's no trust. I know it, and I can't do anything about it, it's a really horrible feeling.All I know is, at the end of the day, I want him, as a non-smoker, and I want myself to feel good.

This ended up being quite a long rant, probably my longest blog post ever. Like I said, I have a lot to say on this topic, and it really affects me in ways that nobody can understand except the people closest to me. And if anyone reading out there can understand or relate, well, you may as well have just become my new best friend. Comment ''muffins'' if you read the whole thing. Cheers everyone xx

Too deep.

I love Fridays.

Firstly, because it's a half day. It's the best feeling to know that you're going to get off at 12:30 instead of 2pm. Even though I have college on Saturday as well, Friday is sort of like my catch up day, where I can go online without worrying about anything, and sleep leisurely as well.

A little recap of the previous days: On Wednesday, I stayed sick, so that night I went to the doctor, and got an antibiotic course, so that I could get this sinus over with. Unfortunately, I couldn't see my regular doctor, so I got my prescription from some quack (read on, you'll know why I'm abusing him). He prescribed me a bucketload of medicines, and one cough syrup. I am not a pill popper, I'm not used to taking pills. Hell, I still break really long pills into half before swallowing them. And I take 4 gulps of water just to get a pill down. It's good that I'm not used to it, I prefer to take the natural way to get better: rest plenty of fluid, covering myself up properly. But this time, I NEEDED to get better, because my sub stage was this Saturday, and I needed to prepare for it!

The antibiotic course was a complete fail. The next morning (Thursday) after having about 3 tablets, I started to feel nauseous at home, but thought it was just a feeling and would go away. It did...for awhile. In the bus, I started to feel nauseous again, and when I reached college, I felt like I was going to vomit, literally. I went to the bathroom to calm myself down, and I literally spent 20 minutes trying to take the feeling away. I drank water, sat down, walked around, sat in front of the heater in our class. Nothing. Finally, I decided to go home, just as my first class was starting. I caught a rickshaw and went home. My mother was furious, she was yelling things like ''It took you so long to get into med school, and now you're doing holidays!'' She did have a point, I worked really hard to get here, but I was ill! And the way I looked at it, it was better to take off today rather than to be too sick to give the substage on Saturday. Right?

So I rested, woke up, had rice (my stomach was upset too...what is happening to me?) and then tried to study. I was very proud of myself, because even with a flu, I got the right amount of studying done. I felt very accomplished and happy last night :) And I got to talk to H too. The substage is tomorrow, and I only have back of thigh left to study, and then revision. InshAllah, it will all be done, and I will ace tomorrow's exam. Pray for me.

Some sad news. The night that I went to the doctor, I got a text from one of my closest friends in FSc, Maha, telling me that her mother has a heart attack. God, why does it always happen to the good guys? She is honestly one of the best aunties in the world. She's sweet, and caring, even for me, and she treats me like her daughter, which I love. I've been over her house so many times, it's like my own. I began to cry when I read the text, and I told my mom that even though it was really late (11pm) I was going to go over Maha's place after the doctor. She understood, and let me go. I went, and they were all huddled around the heater, crying and reading the Quran. I hugged Maha, and I told her everything was going to be okay. I prayed so hard to Allah, you have no idea. To save her. Apparently, she only went to the hospital because she had the flu. She fainted there, and had a heart attack, and she was on ventilators for breathing. I couldn't believe it, it all happened so suddenly. I hate that about life, it doesn't give you any warning about anything, about losing someone, about something happening. Sometimes, things just happen, and you're left with shock. I have been receiving updates on her, and Alhamdulillah, she is off the ventilator and breathing on her own, but she hasn't gained consciousness. Anyone who reads this blog, please remember her in your prayers. It would mean alot to me, and to Maha.

I didn't take my pills today, the one that the stupid doctor prescribed. I took one of my own, Motilium, to fight nausea just in case it came. I had a small breakfast (though Mom made a lot) and half a cup of coffee. The day went brilliantly :D I didn't feel sick at all! On the contrary, I started feeling better. I was so happy, and still am. I don't need medication, lol. 

First class was Physiology practical, and it went well. Me and her got along, and she understood the same feelings I had for Haf, another girl in our class who's a little weird. :P She's creepy because she's trying to attach herself to somebody on purpose, and it's just weird. I like her, but as an acquaintance. Not as a close friend. Then, two lectures in the Lecture Hall, Biochemistry and Blood Physiology. My assumption was right, S was just in a bad mood that day. I don't know why her friendship is affecting me that badly, I can just as easily live without her. And to be very honest, I hate how I feel this way, like I want to talk to her and stuff. A new girl sat with us today, named A. She is going to be S's roommate, and she was nice. She came with S, and her and S doodled on pages all day long, lol. S was really friendly today, talking to me, laughing. I realized how much fun life really is with friends. The days I can't talk and laugh with my friends, I feel like it was a wasted day and a horrible one. I've been stuck in the anti social circle for so long because I took a gap year, that it is so fresh and amazing to have all these new people around me, and to talk to them, find out more about them. I am honestly enjoying life. Yes, I have those days too,where I don't want to go to college at all, but most of the time I do. And that's what counts. :)

Well, time to go take a nap,and the start the final prep for my substage. It's out of 50 marks, and I will jump for joy if I get past 27. Lol. Cheers everyone.

Blue vase.

I have had the flu for about two months now, but it wasn't serious. I mean yeah, my nose would shut every night and I became a mouth breather, and as long as I had tissues, everything was alright. But yesterday morning, I woke up with a massive sinus attack. My temples were hurting, the upper part of my throat began to feel sore, and my nose was runny like mad. I've already had two tablets, and still no effect. Now, after dinner, I'm going to have Joshanda, which is a kind of herbal tea. Pray I get better, being sick is such a bad thing when you have millions of things to do. It's fun when you're free, because then you get to feel everybody's care, but when you have a busy and tight schedule, even people that are caring about you being sick just pisses you off because you're so frustrated about the things you have to do. Sad but true. I hope I'm better soon though.

There's a holiday from college tomorrow! It was granted because of the death anniversary of some pir, which is a Muslim saint. I'm glad I have another holiday, I just took off on Saturday on my own, Sunday was off, today I went to college, and now tomorrow is off again :D very nice. Lol. It'll help me catch up on alot of non-academic things, and relax a little. I need it, especially now since I'm ill.

H had his first day of work today, and I'm dying to know all about it. We communicated through texts in the morning during classes, and he must be at gym right now. Both of our lives are finally settling into this niche, and I like it. I want things to settle down, his unpredictable life is really ticking me off. We can never plan anything because of it, and I don't know where he is most of the time. Unfortunately, he likes that. So, this job is a huge one in my favor, lol. I want things to clam down, not be so rushy and hurried all the time, then he'll get time to look at his present and see what he has in life. Because sometimes I feel like he can't see me.

Today at college, it was an okay day. I didn't have coffee in the morning for some reason(i had opportunities), which proved to be a bad one, since my mind was dull from the first class. The first class was two hours, and it was a Physiology tutorial, and it just dragged on like forever. Other 2 hour classes don't seem so long, I normally look up at the time and there's only 30 minutes left. But today, I must've checked my watch about 10 times, it was crazy. I was so glad to get out of there.

Next two classes were going to be held in the lecture hall. That was the part of my day which ticked me off the most. S...confuses me, most of the time. She really meant it when she said she was kind of bipolar, because one minute she's being all friendly and hugging me and telling me things, and texting me out of nowhere, and then she just closes up and acts weird. Today Sa and Z couldn't sit with us because Zara is the Class Representative and she needs to sit near the end of a bench so it would be easy for her to go out as much as it would be needed to give announcements. So Sa sat with her today, and me and S sat together. We barely talked. It was like that awkward silence where you're meeting someone for the first time. And then, she's not even bothering to hold up a conversation, concluding everything by saying ''Whatever'', and ''It's fine'', and ''I feel like crap today.'' And then she kept wanting to go to Sa, talk to Sa, and at the end of the class, she was like ''You can leave,'' and I was like ''No, I'll go the other way'', and the reason for why she wanted me to leave was because she was going to go meet up with Sa. It just ticked me off. After that, all three of us had Dissection Hall together, but I didn't bother staying with them, I stayed with my batchmates, especially Aneeqa, who is the sweetest person alive, I swear to God. This is a girl, who knows I go off with other people every other day, and yet she still acts like we're best friends, any assignments that our teacher gives us and I miss, she saves them for me, and has paid for alot of things that I couldn't at the moment. I honestly love her, she's so sweet and caring. I think I'm going to stick with Aneeqa for awhile. She doesn't know any of my secrets, doesn't know about H at all, but sometimes, it's better that way. We can focus on friendship and studies and fun stuff about life without getting boys into the picture. She's just not the kind of girl to have a boyfriend, so I would be a little afraid of mentioning it to her. Every new friend I meet, I make it a point of telling them about H, because I'm so proud of us and where we are. But with Aneeqa...I don't feel the need to be proud, she's a fun girl in itself. Life is literally fun with her. :)

Today in the bus, I met two new girls named F and Am, and sat with them. I had seen them before, of course, but today we actually got down to talking. They're very sweet, and I think Am's pretty (but that's the color contact lens talking, I think. lol) and we were just talking about our lives in general, like how many siblings we have, and what music we listened to, and where we wanted to go after we became a doctor. It was really fun. :)

So the sinus attack is here, and my dinner is ready. After this, I will try to study, though I doubt I'll get anything serious done. Maybe I'll draw some diagrams, lol. Cheers everyone, I hope you had a great 24th.

Too many thoughts.

The last time I needed this blog to rant was a long time ago. I haven't been ranting on here because mainly, I don't have time, but today is Saturday, tomorrow is Sunday, it's the afternoon, and I want to distract myself from all these things in my head. So I turn to you, blog.

Who else can it be about? I don't love or care about anyone more than him. Except for my family, of course.

The thing about me is, I can't be satisfied knowing that I feel something. I need to give it a name, I need to know exactly why or how I'm feeling this. I'm very analytical, I look too deep into words that have no meaning, and I think way too much for myself. In recent months, I have gotten alot of gray hair, it's scary. I only used to have three or four. Now I have about 10 or 12. I stress out too much, and I hate it too, but I just cannot be alright with life knowing that there is something wrong. I cannot let go of things easily unless I have the answer, especially when it's things or people that I care about.

Background story first, I think.

Anybody who has been reading this blog knows about the distance that has crept into mine and H's relationship. It's neither of our faults, but I just know that I'm always there for him if he needs me, and he can't be there for me because of his busy schedule. So, even though it's neither of our faults, the problem is because of him, and I always hope that he will realize that and think ''Things are distancing between us because I can't talk to her as much as I used to. Maybe I should try harder from tomorrow.''

He has guests over his place, from Islamabad,and even when he wakes up without a plan, plans just formulate as his day goes on. He is rarely ever home, and we are talking on the phone or even on text in a very dsconnected way. I wish he was there more often so I could rely on him.

So anyway. Two nights ago, he said that we would talk the next night, no matter what happens. Definitely.  Then yesterday, he had his first day of work, and that night, I went to sleep early, thinking that he would bell me to wake me up whenever he was free to talk. He didn't. I was very hurt. That's all I've been actually, very hurt. I know anyone reading this post will think I'm some sap who relies on him too much, and is too weak. But I don't know if anyone has ever felt this way about anybody. 

I didn't go to college today because I missed my bus, and I didn't even want to, still feeling the aftermath of Naomi's death. I woke up at noon, and texted and then called H. He woke up, and said that he went to sleep at 12:30 last night. He didn't apologize, nor did I expect it, but I've just been pulled taut these past few days with emotions and feelings that I really needed to be angry. I didn't want to be understanding. Thing is, he wanted the same thing too. We didn't exchange any harsh words (we never do, we're very civil towards each other) but he just said ''You didn't even ask about my first day of work, you just said we didn't talk last night. It's okay, I don't mind, I'm just saying it because I noticed.'' I wrote ''The whole point of talking to you last night was to ask how your first day went.'' He said ''Oh really. It was to make you feel better for the previous days. Anyway. Why didn't you go today?''

At this text I burst inside myself with anger. First of all, I did remember to ask about his first day of work. Second, isn't it also important that I feel better about our relationship? I've been going through this whirlwind of paranoia and insecurity, and apparently it's not important enough for him to remember and talk about. Goodness. This was totally enough to get me thinking about what to do.

I have so many options and so many thoughts in my head, not about how to justify myself, but how to make myself clear as crystal to him. Me and him are not thinking along the same wavelengths, I guess that's why it's hard for him to understand me, and me him. 

I just want to stop thinking, honestly. Just stop thinking, and not text him, and not build up this huge wave of anger and resentment and yelling and fights towards him, and just see what happens. But dammit, why can't he see how vague he's being about us, about me? Distant doesn't even cover what I feel for him anymore. I feel...galactically distant. Like I'm on Earth and he's on Mars. He's gotten a job, and though that sounds very normal and neutral, for some reason it makes me feel like he's more farther away than ever. Because we didn't even discuss it, it just happened. 

I'm so waiting for his guests to leave, so I can see if they were the reason of his lack of communication.

I have so much more to say, but I'm really not in the mood to bad mouth him. I was hoping that writing all of this out would make me feel better, but honestly, it didn't. 

I'm just going to distract myself, and just deal with it. Everybody's dealt with something similar at one point, so it's alright. I don't know if we'll even talk tonight, but if we do, I don't even know what to say. Should I just act normal, like nothing happened? Or should I talk to him about it, yell at him, express myself? A part of me is so sick of this tirade, you wouldn't believe it. Because I only feel like I'm repeating myself over and over again. H, you don't make time for me anymore, you only come to me after everything else has been done. You don't talk about us anymore, things have changed, we're different. God, I hate even how I sound.

I'm really hating today.

Just right.

Today was my substage :S It's an oral exam of the dissection of a certain part of the body. Mine was hip bone and front and medial part of thigh. It wasn't hard, and certainly not lengthy, but VERY confusing. After I think I would be done studying, I would go back to revise, and always mix a couple of things up. Due to this, I was very scared for today, afraid that the strictness of the examiner would scare me into going blank. 

This morning was a good and bad morning. I've been wanting to pray Fajr (morning prayer) for 2 weeks now, but I always feel like I won't have the time, so I just wake up and start getting ready for college. So last night, I set my alarm for 5:50am (it's normally 6) and I woke up, and got everything done, including prayer :) and I felt awesome. Everytime I would think that I did something bad, I would remember that I prayed, and that everything will be alright. Prayer gives you a subconscious kind of a hope, and you can never feel wrong doing it, it's just one of those holy and amazing things where you feel completely at peace and alone with Allah, and that inshAllah, everything will be alright. 

The bad part of this morning was that my left contact lens would not stop irritating me. :S I fixed it before I left home for the bus, but in the bus, it started irritating again. It felt like a grain of sand was stuck underneath my eyelid, it was so irritating and annoying, and I felt like my eye was going to be permanently scratched from the inside. It didn't get better when I went into Physiology class this morning. The first hour of it was spent of me taking my lens out, wetting it with solution, putting it back in. This was done about 3 times before, FINALLY, my lens was in place and wasn't bothering me at all. It still put me in a frustrated mood in the morning.

After physiology (in which I didn't study anything) there were two lecture hall classes, Physiology (yes, again) and Anatomy. I only paid attention the the last half hour of the latter class, as I spent the whole time revising. I was getting pretty good, and gaining confidence with every right answer. S and Sa are really warming up to me nowadays, and it feel great to know you're wanted, and some people would save a seat for you. I also became friends with two amazing girls, twins. I don't hang out with them on a daily basis, but I've talked to them, and they are really cool, and since they did O and A Levels, I totally know where their coolness comes from! Lol. Maybe we'll all warm up to each other and get together. Only time will tell. I know that I sound needy, but I know girls in my class who still don't have friends, and who change their seats every day, and have nothing fun to look forward to when they come here.  So I feel really lucky that not only do I have friends, I have the friends that I want. :) 

Then it was substage time :S I went to the dissection hall, and my normal teacher told me to go to room no.2, along with four other girls, we wold have our substage first. Two girls were missing, so I went to the dissection hall to find them. I was drinking a juice box, and a teacher saw me, and I got massively told off, being told that I had no respect for the dead, and when I attempted to put one hand in my pocket, the teacher screamed ''Get your hand out of your pocket!'' And she told me to get out. Gladly, I thought. I wasn't even supposed to be in there, lol. It was still pretty embarrassing.

The substage went pretty alright. I knew most of what she asked me, I was still pretty nervous though, kept on blanking out, but in the end I did okay. There were...two questions, I think, where I didn't know the answer, but I'm sure I did enough to pass. :) I was done pretty early, at 12:45pm, so I called Sarah up and asked where she was so we could hang out. Me and her then went across the street, to get some supplies for her (shampoo, planners) and while we were in the pharmacy, a lady comes up to me and says ''I've been watching you from across the street.'' Okay. Creepy. I asked, ''Why?'' She then proceeded to say ''Well, it's my mother, she's had this ear pain for awhile now, and every time she swallows it hurts...'' and I'm so lost, thinking why is she asking me. And then I remember. I'm still wearing my white coat! I say to her ''Do you think I'm a doctor?'' And she said yes! After this, I became tired, weary, and my head started hurting (I didn't have coffee today, no time) a smile was on my face knowing that somebody actually thought of me as a doctor. It was great.

Afterwards, me and S went to the hostel, because my bus normally parks there, so when it would be 2pm, I could just board y bus from the hostel. We had teh best hour, talking about things, sharing our lives, our secrets, our fears. I realize how much she misses home, and how she really wants to focus on her studies. I told her I would try to come over to her room after Friday college (it's a half day because of Juma'a prayer) and teacher her Biochem, because she's totally lost at it. Though I can't be in her situation, I'm soon going to be in 2012, when my parents leave for the US, and I felt for her. We had Snickers and a Sprite.

Oh yeah, I finally got time over the weekend to straighten my hair, and so I did so, and opened my hair for college. S opens it everyday. Everybody complimented on it, saying I looked great, and S told me I looked like a model and I had the perfect nose and perfect facial features :D That felt great to hear.

That was my day. I came home,napped, woke up, and now I wrote this blog post while eating some early dinner. I better go catch up on my work now, I've been online for over an hour!

I hope everyone is doing well. Be positive and keep smiling, even through the hardest of times. Cheers :)

Still on.

Okay, so since I haven't been updating for a while now, and everyday passes by in a blur, I'm going to only mention my day at the most, and maybe some background information too. There are so many pictures that I took to post up here, like the thickest fog of January 11th, but I honestly, sincerely could not find enough time. Internet sort of take 5th or 6th place after study, religion, family, H, and general cleanliness. Lol. So I apologize for the lack of news. Like anyone was reading anyway. :P

Here is the foggiest (and bitterly cold) morning of January the 11th. I walk to my bus stop which is about a 6 minute walk, and when I went out that morning, all I saw was white. And it so damn cold, the coldest day of the year I believe. I took a picture of it, but the fog does seem clearer in it for some reason, it was VERY thick.

On the left side, the white stuff, that's not snow. It doesn't snow in Pakistan. That's garbage. Yep. Don't ask.

So now today. I woke up with absolutely no intention of going to college, because today the first three batches of 1st year, A,B,C, had a sub stage, which was an oral exam of the dissection of the upper limb (mine is on Monday, of the lower limb). I thought that there wouldn't be any serious study done because of that, but I really couldn't take any chances, so I swung out of bed, and begrudgingly started to get ready. I don't get how people can actually wake up in the freezing cold every morning and get ready for uni/work. It's one of the toughest things for me to do. Honestly.

So, I went to college, and had a cup of coffee. I'm seriously beginning to get addicted to coffee. I used to only drink it in winters as a hot enjoyable drink, but now I honestly do it to keep myself awake. It's all purely psychological, back then I didn't stay awake by drinking it, but now I do, because I NEED coffee to stay awake. I was fully alert after that cup. Today was honestly one of the best days I've had at college so far, and I'll tell you why. First class was Anatomy lecture, but our teacher was busy getting the dissection hall prepared for the three batches, so she left early, and me and my friends decided to skip, lol. We went to the library where they picked up their cards (I didn't get one because I still don't have a roll number yet) and then we explored it, then we went to the back of the college that I've never seen before. I really liked it. It was the departments of Pathology and Forensic Medicine, I had never gone there because I don't study these subjects yet. At 10am, we went to the lecture hall, and at this point, my previous friends go off with their hostel mates, and I go with Sa and S. I only hang out with the former friends during batch classes, not in lecture classes where all the first years attend the same lecture. Since Sa and S had the sub stage today, they were studying throughout it, and  was focusing on the lectures. Today, I saw a much more caring side to S, I've been seeing it for a few days now. In the beginning, she was really cold, aloof, never asked more than we did, never answered more either. She kept to herself, and when I asked Sa, she said that it was probably because she was just getting adjusted to hostel life, and it would take her some time. I was not used to that, I was used to making friends and connecting with people immediately, so I just thought it best to leave her to her own. But recently she's been getting more sleep, eating properly, and beginning to learn studying techniques, so she's much friendly overall :) it's nice. She helped me through some issues today (will mention later) and I was surprised by the amount of support she gave me, I never would've expected it of her. Guess she's more than I thought she was.

After a 2 hour lecture of Physiology and Biochemistry, it was Dissection, but we wouldn't have it because of the Dissection Hall being completely occupied for the substage. So we went to the Anatomy Museum, where they had actual heads preserved in formalin, and...little babies too, that dies in childbirth. It was very sad to see, and I thought it highly disrespectful to take pictures of it, it just seemed wrong somehow.

So since we weren't having anatomy, I went to go check out the hostel in which so many of my friends live. It was truly great, much better than many other hostels I've seen. It had a swimming pool, gym, net cafe, tailor, cafeteria, mess halls, and 6 blocks filled with rooms. :) I enjoyed it thoroughly, went back to college, and then came back to hostel with Sa after her substage (she said it went great and so did S's, but S went to the bank) I realized that my college bus is normally parked in the hostel, so that made me really happy because that meant that I could walk to hostel with Sa and S every day, ad get picked up there :) So I had a small lunch at the mess, which was rice and a kebab, and then my bus was leaving, so I wet to say goodbye to Sarah, and I went home. It wasn't a studious day at all, but it was definitely fun filled and I enjoyed every minute.

The stressful things I was going through was basically about my sister being sick. She had food poisoning, and was vomiting out blood, and it scared the crap out of all of us, and when she went to the hospital yesterday, she gave a Liver Function Test, and the results were today, so I was really worried. Thankfully, Alhamdulillah, everything is clear, she does not have Hepatatis A (it was suggested) and the only thing is that she is anaemic and should take iron supplements. It's a major load off my chest, as I've been having the most horrible thoughts about her...dying...for the past two to three days. Everything is alright. :) That was what Sarah helped me through. She held my hand and rubbed my arm, and told me that everything was going to work out, and that I only had to believe in Allah and have faith.

So that was my day. I am extremely tired, and I still have my lenses on, so I'm gonna go take them off and nap peacefully. :) My substage is on Monday, so when I wake up, it'll be full study mode. Pray for me.

Terrible.

I am in the worst of moods right now.

My sister is in the hospital for food poisoning, and has an intravenous drip attached to her.

My mother's foot infection is still there.

I'm always feeling like I have no time at all, and I have to rush things, and thus I don't write any long or detailed or filled-with-feeling blog posts.

I'm hungry. Starving actually.

I'm cold. 

I have to take a nap, I'm tired, and then wake up and start immediate study, but I don't want to sleep until my sister comes home.

H  said he would come by today to give my some money (I'm broke) no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. Might sound very sweet to you, and in a sense it does sound sweet to me, but why didn't he say ''no matter what'', whenever I want him and me to meet? Why can't we meet one day ''no matter what?''

My favorite shampoo and conditioner is finished, and so I showered with a horrible shampoo that made my hair harsh and dry and icky.

Kill me.

Crazy.

I come online for only about an hour every day, and I have to check my things and get off because I have long, busy days of university ahead of me. Wow, it's so weird how fast an institution can change your life. Last week, I was online putting up 5 blog posts a day out out of boredom, and now I can't even put up one. It is, in every essence, crazy. I promise I remember though!

University is a bit overwhelming. I'm used to having things under my control, only then can I feel safe and peaceful, that's just how I am. Destiny and Allah are not under my control, and so I fear these two, and rightly so. In college, for my degree of FSc, the curriculum was totally understandable, easily manageable, and I could get everything done. In MBBS..things are so fast paced, it's like, upto 5 different assignments per day. On my second day, I was roaming around the college, wondering what I had forgotten, when I remembered that I had to go to the cafeteria to eat something. I am THAT overwhelmed, that I can't even remember that I'm hungry. But, all in all, I am enjoying it. I'm not giving MBBS the attention that I need to (I'm still breaking out of my old habits that have been formed since the last 4 months have been totally free for me) but hopefully soon, I will, and my entire day will be taken up with it. I have assignments to do, a sub stage to prepare for (sub stage is a test) and practical copies to fill out.

For those who are interested, I have 5 subjects: Anatomy, Histology, Physiology, Biochemistry, and Islamiat/Pak Studies. They're just five, but they seem like fifty sometimes. There's so much work to be done and so many things to be learned. 

Remember my two new friends Sa and S? Well, thankfully, they are more than acquaintances now. :) I thought, that first day, we all sat together by default, it was a fluke and it wouldn't happen again. But today was the fifth day of college, and we've been sitting together every day, and warming up to each other day by day, it's really cool :) We save each other seats to sit together. And I also have made many more new friends, just by passing by, or talking to them, so now I rarely feel alone. S does sound like she's taking an interest in me, and we talk more, so we're on a good level. She's very bold and daring, and I'm timid and shy. Maybe opposites attract. Sa is really cool, and I really like her :) She's sweet, and tall, and has such a model figure. Oh! I was elected batch representative for my batch in Anatomy, which is awesome :) it's not too much work, just helping the teacher when I have to.

I did this awesome thing that I am so proud of, seriously. I bought a pair of pumps from the United States two years back which were striped grey and white. It looked too bland to me, and they still fit me, so to spice it up, I took a black permanent marker and some pink poster paint, and spent an hour and a half of my life redoing my shoes. Lol. I don't know if you would call that a fashion crime, but look!

I haven't worn them yet, I want to wear them with something bold. And there are so many precautions I have to take with these shoes, such as not to wear them in the rain, or rough terrain. I love the design of the shoe, like a sneaker.

I haven't had a nap today, so I'll just see what to do, revise some subject, or sleep. I also have to go to the parlor, call some people, and start preparing for my sub stage. And I thought life was boring.

Quotes.

I found this really nice collection of quotes that I thought I'd share with you all. They are all originals of a friend of mine, and I love the openness and vulnerability that they give out. So here they are:

''Me? I wanted you to fight for me. And tell me that you would rather be alone than with anyone else.''

''God help you if you are an ugly girl, because too pretty is also your doom, 'cause everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room.''

''I’m not afraid of heights, swimming, or love. Just falling, drowning, and rejection.''

''Because you're nothing until you're talked about.''

''One thing I truly knew - knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest - was how love gave someone the power to break you.
I’d been broken beyond repair.''


''I’ll tell you a secret. Something they don’t teach you in your temple. The Gods envy us. They envy us because we’re mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we’re doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again.''

''And maybe I found comfort in the words you said. Not from laying in your arms. They were the words i needed to hear, and it didn’t matter who from. It wasn’t puppy love or infatuation. Or love at first sight or anything that people always talk about and laugh. Maybe you don’t know just what I mean. I can’t really explain it, it’s so hard to put into words, but, well, it was just something I’d never felt before. Something I’d never even known. People can’t just tell you about things like that, you have to find them out for yourself. That’s why it is so important. It was something I’ll always remember because I just couldn’t forget.''

''Speak the truth. Even if your voice shakes.''

''Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life, and love shouldn’t be one of them.''

''& nothing's gonna change destiny, whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly.''

''At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes -- all you need is one.''

''This is to 4am phone calls and tears that can’t be wiped away by tissues.
This is to red wine and cigarettes on the bathroom floor, to the boy that didn’t love her back.
This is to valued letters and notes that got lost in the washer, torn into a million little pieces.
This is to believing every lie.
This is to being sick to my stomach just thinking about him loving someone else.
This is to the pain I hold in every day.
This is to the escape I thought I found in him.
This is to all the “What if?”s and the wishes that’ll never come true.
This is to everything you thought once meant something and never did.
This is to what didn't happen.
This is to how I wish I’d never come that close to loving you.
This is to knowing a relationship may or may not work out, but taking the leap anyway.
This is to sticking your finger down your throat, in hopes that they’ll accept you.
This is to every tear you’ve wasted on people who never cared.
This is to sitting and waiting for your phone to ring.
This is to finding him, and holding on tight.
This is to the girl behind that smile.
This is to True Love never ignited.
This is to that one person who you think is the kindest, sweetest, smartest, and most beautiful person ever.
This is to that one person who means everything.
This is to losing that one person.
This is to loving him, but having to say no to him.
This is to having him in your arms again, but knowing it won’t last.
This is to those nights where you just can’t sleep because every word they said to you replays, over and over.
This is to him telling your secrets that no one is supposed to know.
This is to the girl that puts on his jacket when she’s cold. And this is to the guy that catches her smelling in his scent.
This is to beautiful boys who are just beautiful friends.
This is to all the times I wish I had said no.
This is to that tingly butterfly feeling you get when they’re around.
This is to the very first kiss.
This is to the girl that never gives up; this is to the boy that lets her give up.
This is to eye contact, avoiding it, keeping it, trying to hide it.
This is to being so in love that it fucking scares you.
This is to the words never spoken.
This is for the children who cry themselves to sleep at night, wishing that their parent’s loved them.
This is to the girls who pretend to be super girl, just to hide their pain.
This is to the boys that made them hurt.''

Friends are important.

Today was my second day at Uni. I swear, it is so damn hard to get out of bed every morning. I shake so hard I can barely walk. And then splashing water on my face..my God. Even I don't know how I do it. I guess I'll get used to it, but now I'm wishing that summer would come back. The winters are worse for me than summers, really. That's why I love spring and autumn.

My first class was Histology practical. All the batches have a different class from 8-10am, then from 10am onwards all the first years have the same classes, in a huge lecture hall. The practical was okay, I really couldn't pay attention because I didn't have breakfast in the morning, and we had to stand, and I was feeling nauseous. Then, I didn't buy my practical books yet,and I didn't want to because it would be too much weight to carry throughout the day, so I did practically nothing for about 2 hours. After that, we had a biochemistry lecture from 10-11am. It was in the huge lecture hall, and I made it a point in my head to try to talk to S as much as possible. As I sat and waited for her to come, and saw her, I called her name out, and she came to sit with me :) truth be told, I know exactly who I want as good friends of mine, going on throughout the next 5 years. But I can only choose, not force. S is one of those friends I want. I thought that she would warm up to me because I was an American and nobody else would understand her. But no, she's treating me like an acquaintance. Can't say I mind, really,she lives in hostel and so she made alot of hostel friends, and she's always being called to sit with other people. When we sat together, I didn't pay attention to the lecture at all, my mind was tuning in and out (which is so unlike me) because I was wondering about what to talk about with S. Lol. I sound like a total lesbian. We talked randomly, about general things, she gave me gum. Then, the girl next to her on the other side started talking to her too. I looked over, and when I talked to Sarah in English again, the other girl said ''You're from the United States too?'' I said ''Yeah, but I've lived here for 8 years.'' I found out her name was Sa, and she was from Bahrain, also by the same program S was from. At this point, I was totally imagining us three to be friends for the next 5 years. I know I sound like some person who can't be alone, but I really can't. The friends I have right now...I'm really not happy. They don't have the same mental wavelength as me, they won't understand my jokes, or my fast talking, or get along with me. These two girls will. So anyways, after Biochem was Anatomy, which is my favorite lecture. And after that, from noon to2pm, was going to be dissection. I thought, by the encouraging talks that me and Sa and S had throughout the two hours, that we'd all go together. But as class ended, Sarah said ''See ya!'' and went with her batch mates. Made sense. But me and Sa went to the canteen to eat something. We talked about our backgrounds, and the kind of friends we wanted, and we would've totally hit it off, if she already didn't have Bahrainian friends of her own. Hm. So now I have no idea what's going to happen. It's affected me deeper than I thought, actually. I thought I would focus on my studies, and friends would come later. But I realized today how much friends really matter to me.

I learned about the pelvis bone today, and later near the end of the class I was picked to give a demonstration of the pubis bone tomorrow. Unfortunately, the Governor of Punjab Salman Taseer was murdered this afternoon, at 5pm, by his own guard. :/ The political situation in Pakistan can never be stable, it never calms down. So now tomorrow is a holiday, and I just looked through my anatomy books to have an idea about the different parts and names of the sides of the pelvis. I still have to pay 300 rupees to get a bone bag from Dissection, complete Histology practicals, get my library card, and get more reference books. I also have to go to every department the day after tomorrow and copy down all important notices from the notice board. I've learned not to take a heavy bag, or any of the textbooks to college. It gives you mean shoulder pain. 

Well, I must go and sleep now. Tomorrow's a holiday, yay! (The reason isn't yay though).

First day of university.

Oh wow. Was today one of the best days of my life or what?? It was amazing, absolutely amazing. A recount from the start:

I woke up at 6:30am, all ready to start the day. I dressed. Since I was upgraded, my roll number and allotment of batch wasn't here yet, so I just joined classes on a preliminary basis. I missed my first two classes, I was with my dad in the office sorting out the admission issue. At 11:00, Aneeqa came to get me to attend Anatomy tutorial with her (Aneeqa is a friend I made in my academy last year. Just our luck we ended up at the same Uni). It was basically an introductory lecture to the degree of MBBS and the subject of Anatomy. It was in a lecture hall, a huge one. I sat all the way in the back because I didn't have a seat reserved. After that, at noon, we had..anatomy dissection. :S It was really freaky at first, and the stench was unbearable. There were covers over the cadavers, and only their hands were visible. :S I went over to one cadaver and saw that the top of his head...wasn't there. His brain wasn't there either. I didn't actually feel sick, I just felt like I needed to stop looking at that, like it was something personal. Lol. Later, the teacher came and revealed the cadaver. It was partially decomposed, from the head to the neck, then below it was a normal human body. It honestly looked like a mummy, its nose was gone, and eyes too. The decomposed part was yellowish, and the teacher was teaching where to run the scalpel, around the chest area. It wasn't that scary, it seemed unreal. Me and my friend left after 5 minutes, since it wasn't our demonstration. Then me and Aneeqa went out to eat something and wait for classes to end. 

When I was posing for the camera, a group of 4th years swooped in. Oh crap. They were going to rag us. I tried to make it light hearted, and in the end it did turn out to be fun. They were asking our names, where we were from, how much money we had on us. Then, they said that because I had a model figure, I should model for them. I was so completely bewildered at this point, but then I thought ''This is a girl's college. And this is my chance to prove that I'm not some timid person. They don't know who I am. I'll show them.'' And so basically I modeled. Lol. I wish I had pictures, but I was atleast shy enough that I told them not to take any. I catwalked, spun, showed off my overall. I didn't want them bothering Aneeqa, she is a painfully shy person, and she would probably cry if they made her do anything. It didn't matter anyway, since they focused on me. They then proceeded to make me give a full detail on what make up I would use on my cheeks if I was going out to a party. Lol. Then, they made me sing. I used to be so embarrassed of singing before, but today I was singing with full gusto, two songs. My Heart Will Go On, and ''Bin Tere'' in the movie Aggar. It was good,clean fun. In the end, they asked me to buy them corn, haha, which I did. Then, it was off time, and I grabbed a rickshaw and came home.

Another highlight of the day was meeting an American girl in the college. She will be called S. She had only been in Pakistan for 20 days due to an exchange program, called TEPAK or something like that, I don't remember. She was aloof, but that was probably because of the fact that she lived in hostel and was kinda down today. I hope we have a better interaction in the future.

I'm worried about making friends,because I'm a very picky friend chooser I don't like people who aren't funny, who don't make me laugh, who are too serious, too emotional. I'm afraid that I'll be stuck with the wrong group for 5 years. The girl I'm with now, she's too simple and sweet, and I don't think we have much in common. I'm not sure if I have much in common with the American either, but atleast we share a background. Hopefully, the entire class (yes, all 350 of us) will get acquainted soon, and people of all kinds will get together on their own, based on interests. I know exactly which kind of friends I want, let's see how things turn out to be.

Well, I will go make some roti for myself,and then maybe go through my anatomy book, just to revise what I learned today. This is going to be so much fun and exciting!

Obsession.

I am currently in love with, and addicted to this song. It is literally stuck in my head.

''You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine. Just own the night, like the Fourth of July.''

''Cuz baby, you're a firework, come and show them what you're worth.''

Picture Update.

I finally got down to taking pictures of some things that I said I would in previous blog posts. So here they are:

1. A picture of the Melon Delight Bath Set my friend sent me from the United States (I have yet to use it, it's just so much fun seeing it all wrapped up)

2. The fabulous find I bought the other day,the grey for-fitting huge buttoned sweater. I took it with different lighting so you can know it through every angle. I love it! I would love to hear some comments, so do tell me what you think!

Today, me and my sister made carrot cake, since carrot is the dominant vegetable of the winter season here in Pakistan. It turned out AMAZING. I had to take pictures and gloat about our baking skills, lol. Here you go:

Tell me what you guys think, and if I should continue posting up pictures, lol. I'm starting to get used to whipping out my camera for every little thing. Comments are more than welcome :)