"I don't know about you, but...I don't think I'll ever stop talking to you. You're my best friend. Even if we're not together, I think I'll still keep in contact with you. No. I will keep in contact with you."
In my head: It's crap, it's all crap, don't believe it, he waits till now to say things like this, it's crap crap crap.
May 30, 2013
May 26, 2013
Last of the first.
One memory that sticks like glue, all the time, every time.
Getting dropped off to Pizza Hut with my sister, and starting to order. Asking which toppings are halaal and which haraam. The Egyptian guy behind the counter, cautiously flirting, because he can see Dad standing behind me. "Where are you from? Pakistan or India?"
K and me in unison: "Pakistan." "Ohh, no wonder you both are so pretty." Nervous laughter.
"Well, in that case, you can have any topping. Everything is khalaal."
"I'd like to visit Pakistan one day. Islamabad."
Two large pizzas, don't remember the toppings. Salad, soda, bread. Picked up by friends and taken to Manzar Beach. Everything sounds normal,picnic-like.
Except that it is past midnight, and the desert night air is chilly to the bone. There's a surprise blanket in the trunk, which we spread out near the shore. The water is inky black, you can't see anything. But I can feel it. Everyone's already started opening up the boxes, and Mom is calling me to eat. But I can't, really I can't. The wind and the sand and the middle of the night is all too cliche and overrated and just perfect. I wouldn't have minded even if I ended up only with half a slice. Being there, walking along the wet sand with not a single worry. No college duties, no exams, nothing with H. Nothing. Lightheaded.
It's getting colder by the minute, and my cardigan isn't thick enough. So I end up sitting on the blanket and munching on pizza while staring straight ahead at the buoys bouncing on the water.
Across the "pseudobeach" are lights, glowing. Of the city. And the sound of lapping water is the only thing I hear. These moments fill me up. I let them fill me up. Nothing is comparable to this.
Oh, Dubai.
Getting dropped off to Pizza Hut with my sister, and starting to order. Asking which toppings are halaal and which haraam. The Egyptian guy behind the counter, cautiously flirting, because he can see Dad standing behind me. "Where are you from? Pakistan or India?"
K and me in unison: "Pakistan." "Ohh, no wonder you both are so pretty." Nervous laughter.
"Well, in that case, you can have any topping. Everything is khalaal."
"I'd like to visit Pakistan one day. Islamabad."
Two large pizzas, don't remember the toppings. Salad, soda, bread. Picked up by friends and taken to Manzar Beach. Everything sounds normal,picnic-like.
Except that it is past midnight, and the desert night air is chilly to the bone. There's a surprise blanket in the trunk, which we spread out near the shore. The water is inky black, you can't see anything. But I can feel it. Everyone's already started opening up the boxes, and Mom is calling me to eat. But I can't, really I can't. The wind and the sand and the middle of the night is all too cliche and overrated and just perfect. I wouldn't have minded even if I ended up only with half a slice. Being there, walking along the wet sand with not a single worry. No college duties, no exams, nothing with H. Nothing. Lightheaded.
It's getting colder by the minute, and my cardigan isn't thick enough. So I end up sitting on the blanket and munching on pizza while staring straight ahead at the buoys bouncing on the water.
Across the "pseudobeach" are lights, glowing. Of the city. And the sound of lapping water is the only thing I hear. These moments fill me up. I let them fill me up. Nothing is comparable to this.
Oh, Dubai.
May 25, 2013
Slip into rhythm.
Today I collided two of my worlds. My college life and my personal life regarding H. Merged them. With a few sentences about what's going on at the other side. I realised, I didn't like it at all. Before, I only separated everything because I felt it would be easier to deal with things that way. Now I realized I separated it because I didn't want the crisis/dilemma/problem of one part of my life, to affect the other. And now that my friends know things, it feels like it's a global issue.
It was something I had to do. Because we've been a group for 2 and a half years, after all. Regardless of all the superficial parhai/outings/clothes talk, we were still close in a way. So I decided to let them in a little. It wasn't awkward, and reactions were what I expected. But now, all that's going through my head is "They know."
College is a sort of an escape for me. No matter how tough or strange things are at home or with H, college is that one place, that outlet where I could shut all of it out. Turn it off for awhile, and make my mood better with friends and food and things to keep me busy. And then, when I leave all happy and satisfied, life's other problems seem easier to deal with.
I love compartmentalization. I'm going to do it as often as I can. It makes my head feel organized. Inner tranquility.
Blogging about the insane, boiling heat isn't going to make it go away. So I won't. But I will say that it is SO HOT that we Lahoris should be considered brave. Actual heroes. For bearing with this. (49 degrees. Forty. Nine)
Health issues are resolved, which is definitely a yay! moment. It was a kidney stone. All that pain, damn. I felt like dying those days. There was a point where I didn't even care about the diagnosis, I just wanted an injection to kill the pain. Everyone should make a special prayer that they never have to feel kidney stone pain. It is so horrendous, and everywhere, and deep, that it makes you think "Something is eating me from inside". And getting it massaged only makes it worse. Nauseating type pain.
I'm extremely behind on all my college work, and I have about 5% of prep for a Microbiology test on Monday. I should be studying for it right now, but I'm shoving ALL of the work for tomorrow, Sunday. Allah, please don't let guests come over tomorrow. They'll distract me. And let me pass the test too.
I'm going to go read other blogs now. And watch House.
It was something I had to do. Because we've been a group for 2 and a half years, after all. Regardless of all the superficial parhai/outings/clothes talk, we were still close in a way. So I decided to let them in a little. It wasn't awkward, and reactions were what I expected. But now, all that's going through my head is "They know."
College is a sort of an escape for me. No matter how tough or strange things are at home or with H, college is that one place, that outlet where I could shut all of it out. Turn it off for awhile, and make my mood better with friends and food and things to keep me busy. And then, when I leave all happy and satisfied, life's other problems seem easier to deal with.
I love compartmentalization. I'm going to do it as often as I can. It makes my head feel organized. Inner tranquility.
Blogging about the insane, boiling heat isn't going to make it go away. So I won't. But I will say that it is SO HOT that we Lahoris should be considered brave. Actual heroes. For bearing with this. (49 degrees. Forty. Nine)
Health issues are resolved, which is definitely a yay! moment. It was a kidney stone. All that pain, damn. I felt like dying those days. There was a point where I didn't even care about the diagnosis, I just wanted an injection to kill the pain. Everyone should make a special prayer that they never have to feel kidney stone pain. It is so horrendous, and everywhere, and deep, that it makes you think "Something is eating me from inside". And getting it massaged only makes it worse. Nauseating type pain.
I'm extremely behind on all my college work, and I have about 5% of prep for a Microbiology test on Monday. I should be studying for it right now, but I'm shoving ALL of the work for tomorrow, Sunday. Allah, please don't let guests come over tomorrow. They'll distract me. And let me pass the test too.
I'm going to go read other blogs now. And watch House.
May 18, 2013
I need a stranger I can disengage.
I wish I could say that I was lost, or my mind was jumbled up, but it wasn't. And it's not even the extremely-busy thing either (though I have had multitudes of things piling up). I just...backed off. Anti-social for awhile. Wouldn't even reply to people's audio whatsapps or maintain friendships that I really do treasure alot. The satisfying part of it all was that I was okay with all of this. Not beating myself up about retreating, focusing on things in FRONT of me rather than in my head.
Learning to be okay with most of what happens to you in life is one more step to everything else.
Our Pharmacology head had fifteen minutes to spare today. So she gave us a cute heart-to-heart about Islam and souls. Deep, overwhelming talks that leave me feeling like some different person, not the 22 year old I am. Making me feel absolutely miniscule. We grow up to know that toys break, seasons end, night turns to day, food finishes. Everything is finite. The idea of an infinite soul is scary, to say the least. And it makes my insides squirm. Since I am one for denial, I think I'll keep on pushing this to the back of my head until I need to sort it out. Trouble is, I don't exactly know when that'll be.
This summer is grueling, and my iron will to ignore the heat and push on is gone. Health issues, people. Muscle spasms, insomnia, and fatigue. I don't know where it came from, and I don't know when it will leave. I'm doing everything I can to make 'what I eat and what I drink' my top priority. So I'm pumping myself with juices and chips and roti and food every 3 hours. It's all I think about nowadays. Ab kya khaana hai.
Trust is never what it is until it is SUPREMELY tested. Remember that.
Stethoscopes, reflex hammers, pen torches, inch tapes, and assessments. Wards aren't as inviting as they look. Annoyed, I am. Of the hospital. I need outings again. Gorging on Subway sandwiches and making pointless, funny conversation. Maybe McDonald's too this time, since they open at breakfast hours now. I love their Limited Edition "international" burger thing they're doing. Haven't tried a single one, but the idea is good.
My brother says I like the "hipster" DSLR photos. The ones of hair flips at 5:30pm with the light being just perfect. Pre-sunset light. I keep on delaying photoshoots with him, because this stupid degree is getting in the way. This is one thing I'm really excited about. Photography shoots. Jilani Park, Raiwind Road, the mouth of the Motorway, haaaye, I want to doooo thisss. Screw MBBS for one day. I will go.
More later. Enjoy yourselves people. Your souls are infinite!
Learning to be okay with most of what happens to you in life is one more step to everything else.
Our Pharmacology head had fifteen minutes to spare today. So she gave us a cute heart-to-heart about Islam and souls. Deep, overwhelming talks that leave me feeling like some different person, not the 22 year old I am. Making me feel absolutely miniscule. We grow up to know that toys break, seasons end, night turns to day, food finishes. Everything is finite. The idea of an infinite soul is scary, to say the least. And it makes my insides squirm. Since I am one for denial, I think I'll keep on pushing this to the back of my head until I need to sort it out. Trouble is, I don't exactly know when that'll be.
This summer is grueling, and my iron will to ignore the heat and push on is gone. Health issues, people. Muscle spasms, insomnia, and fatigue. I don't know where it came from, and I don't know when it will leave. I'm doing everything I can to make 'what I eat and what I drink' my top priority. So I'm pumping myself with juices and chips and roti and food every 3 hours. It's all I think about nowadays. Ab kya khaana hai.
Trust is never what it is until it is SUPREMELY tested. Remember that.
Stethoscopes, reflex hammers, pen torches, inch tapes, and assessments. Wards aren't as inviting as they look. Annoyed, I am. Of the hospital. I need outings again. Gorging on Subway sandwiches and making pointless, funny conversation. Maybe McDonald's too this time, since they open at breakfast hours now. I love their Limited Edition "international" burger thing they're doing. Haven't tried a single one, but the idea is good.
My brother says I like the "hipster" DSLR photos. The ones of hair flips at 5:30pm with the light being just perfect. Pre-sunset light. I keep on delaying photoshoots with him, because this stupid degree is getting in the way. This is one thing I'm really excited about. Photography shoots. Jilani Park, Raiwind Road, the mouth of the Motorway, haaaye, I want to doooo thisss. Screw MBBS for one day. I will go.
More later. Enjoy yourselves people. Your souls are infinite!
Cable cars.
Indulging my whims.
Unmatched comfort.
Stolen peace.
Nights that felt like they would never,ever end.
Unmatched comfort.
Stolen peace.
Nights that felt like they would never,ever end.
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