Right Angle.

I've made a split second decision: I'm not going to start the New Year without letting H know about how I really feel. I plan on simply showing him the post.
2012 should begin raw and open, with everything scattered, and everything known. With time to give, more decisions to make, and solutions to find. I'm getting so sick and tired of wasting my time just sitting on my bed, when I can just call him and tell him to drop what he's doing and listen to me.
If my voice is strong enough, I know he'd listen. I just haven't strengthened my voice yet. But I will now. No amount of force can make your voice reverberate. It only happens by ''feeling.''

Sometimes, I wish people would chuck all their fact-based logic and practicality out the window. There's nothing wrong with being realistic. But for God's sake, if you can't feel, what are you doing alive? Cry, scream, laugh, think, think so much that you can make ideas out of words, create memories out of buildings, plan meetings just by looking at a tablecloth, at a lamp. Make conversations endless, make 3 hour phone calls seem like 20 minutes, be enthusiastic, don't look back and regret that you spent too much time talking, be happy that you had more life in you than the person you were talking to.

You love someone, and you're tired? Drink a cup of coffee to stay up and talk to her. You haven't seen her in awhile? Plan something ahead, and make sure nothing clashes with that plan. You see her sad? Surprise her. This is not hard to do, this is not written in any book, because it's just KNOWN. Just like women know to have a hot meal ready for their men when they come home from work, and not to bother them about mundane things when they're tired. Where in the world did chivalry go?

No matter where mine and H's conversations lead after I let it all out, I'm not going to kill myself again and go back to just not caring. Something has got to give. And I've already given.

It is getting very cold, to the point where even the afternoons are chilly. But when I sit in front of a heater, my head starts to hurt. Good old blanket, then. A hot shower doesn't even feel enticing right now. I better start getting my act back up again, and focus on the more important things. First substage of 2nd year Anatomy is coming up on the 7th. Head and Neck. I skimmed through the books today, and made a few diagrams, but nothing concrete. InshAllah tomorrow.

Have a good night. :)

Inside.

"We do not talk anymore. And I've forgotten the way your back curves. How are we supposed to know each other, now?" 

-Another Way To Avoid Reality 

All night, I was thinking about whether I should share my personal life on here. To be frank, I have followers who know me personally, and I'm not sure how much I would like them to know about me, without them confronting me. But then again, I have a feeling they won't. That they'll read this blog, and act normal towards me. And if they are reading this, let it be known that that's how I want it to be. It's so different and a pleasant change when people aren't asking you what's wrong, what happened. I like sharing, but only to vent and to make sense of what I feel. Not for attention or for questions. Writing does that to you.

Being an emotional person does not mean that you cry at every sensitive thing.It could also mean that you feel too deeply and too strongly for something, but you don't spill tears for it. That's me. In recent months, I've tried to suppress it, tried to stamp it out of me. By not addressing how I feel about situations, and only analyzing what's in front of me. I stopped thinking too much about everything, stopped trying to find meaning in it all. Just talking about it is not enough to tell you what REALLY happened. Changing yourself is a really big deal. Changing the way you think is actually struggling. No matter which way you change, for better or for worse. I stopped being me, and even though it fixed a lot of matters, I wasn't me anymore. And I knew it. So I wanted out.

I've decided to share as much as I possible can, meaning that whatever I feel like I should, or whatever I want to.

I changed ever since H went back to America. Everytime he goes there, it's like a switch. He changes. Not going into details, I decided to pull a switch of my own. I didn't want to give too much anymore. In fact, I didn't want to give anything anymore. I didn't want to invest in something that I couldn't put a stamp on, to guarantee. The decision was a simple one, and I worked towards it. I told myself that I'd be that way- nonchalant, changing priorities, not giving it all- only until he realized it and wanted the old me back. This wasn't a game that I was playing; I was just sick of freeing up my own time at the expense of my family and friends, just to find out that he couldn't free up his own time for me like I could for him. It was a change that involved ego n my part as well. I didn't want to feel like I was losing dignity.

He noticed, he wanted the old me back. But I couldn't. I honestly tried, but some self-defence mechanism in me prevented me from opening up again. I can't explain it, but things were harder to say, meetings were harder to plan. There used to be a time where there was nothing I wouldn't do for him. And now I can barly think of a few things I can.

It's weird how people only assume that a relationship ends with a bang. With fights, screaming, she cheated on him, he did something she didn't like. It's more common in Pakistan, as far as I've seen (my own opinion). There are tears, tissues, memories, and lost love. And then you pick up the pieces and move on. I say it's weird, because 1. Me and H haven;t broken up yet, and 2. We haven;t done anything to make us break up.

It's the strangest thing. We don't fight, at all. Maybe because we don't have time for fighting. Ever since he came back from the States, I decided to reorganize my priorities. Spend more time with my friends, my college, my studies. Put my family first. Put him in the back seat, like he did to me when he had family and work to take care of. The relationship is still here, it's still working, we still talk at night- but we've drifted apart. I don't know who I'm talking to sometimes, because I don't remember him. I don't remember how he used to be, or the time we spent together.

We're both alive, healthy, and working. We have celebrations, we have deaths, we have schedules. And slowly, we've written ourselves out of each other's lives, without meaning to.

It feels strange, like I have a relationship with a phone. Relationships are built with love and maintained with time. And we both don't have time. Strange once again, because I know that if I tried, I could make time for him Call it a talent, but I can multi-task fairly well. Friends, family, religion, H, studies. My favorite thing to do is ponder on how I can balance all of this. I would love to. I just don't want to anymore. Why should I put so much effort into this when he can't/won't?

I don't know where this is all going to lead. Maybe we might not be together. I know one thing though. Not to sound like a completely hopeless romantic, but everytime I see him again, everything is pushed aside, and I remember US. Who we are, who we were. But that changes as soon as I remember that he could leave any second, because his family needs him day or night, or a friends needs him. And we have to stop the meeting. It would make me cry earlier, to think that he chose his friends over me. Now, I just think about what I'll do when he drops me home.

"We just let ourselves fall apart. We didn't try to hold it at the seams, we watched ourselves distance, emotionally, mentally. I don't know about you, but I had the stamina to make this better. To call you as much as I could, even while being in another city, or being busy with friends. I just didn't want to anymore. I saw that you let everything go, so why couldn't I? Just make other things a higher priority than you and my feelings for you. Make it so often that the line blurs and you think you still have each other on the highest priority, but you don't, not at all. It's denial and lying to yourself, because you don't have time to think about priorities, life just happens and you take it as it comes. We don't see it, because we don't want to see it. We want to believe everything is okay. Training. Even now, after things have settled into this groove, I still am not ready to give you everything all over again. I still double check on whether I should send you a text or not.

Meetings are not as important as they used to be. The terrace climbing is a memory. And we act like strangers together."

This matter should be addressed as soon as possible, I know. Call it cowardice that I'm not doing so, that I want to keep on holding on to this. I don't know. I'm not sure about it anymore. But I'll keep writing until I am.

Diamond placed.

I think it's funny how I haven't written a single blog post since I announced that I would get down to writing more about how I really felt instead of acting like a random airhead bimbo who thinks it's fun to write excessive letters at the end of already complete words. Thanksss.

That was a long sentence.

I just came back from attending a wedding. It was something I wasn't looking forward to, because it was in Bahalwalpur, and I really don't enjoy my paternal family's company. And the long drive. But it was fun! Thankfully. I think I liked it more because the house was big and pretty and less people were living in it.It was for three days, and the only regret I have is that W (fave cousin) reached Lahore the day I went to Bahawalpur, and wasn't waiting for me when I came back. So I basically missed a fun weekend with him. 

On the way from Lhr-Bwp.

Pretty nice house that I enjoyed living in. Because it was pretty.

It's like Christmas lights. 

Outside Fort Colony, Multan. Tankers are hot.

I'm home now, and I love having 4 more days off till college re-opens. I can tie up some loose ends, clean closets, watch movies, and talk. Alot. With my family. I'll only focus on studying in the last 2 days, since I don't know the next time I'll be this free and relaxed again.

Mom is feeling so much better. She's had her skin grafting, so her leg hurts a lot (the area where they took the skin off, to place it on the area where her toes used to be) but it's getting better day by day since the skin wound is healing. It's funny how some people don't know what skin grafting is. H didn't. He is not medical minded at all. Except for when it comes to his allergy medicine. He thought skin grafting was the formation of new toes, somehow.

I wonder how it must feel to NOT have a medical mind. I've always had one, since I was young. I just don't know layman terms. My family always ask me to simplify medical procedures and terminology, and I constantly struggle. Lol.

So, new task: help Mom as much as possible. It's amazing, Alhamdulillah, how better she is getting day by day. When you compare to what happened last month, it's like comparing the sky to the earth. I'm so happy for her and I hope she only continues to get better (Ameen).

I had a slice of Bitter chocolate cake and orange juice for brunch. Anyone had a random breakfast like that?

I will now go crazy and run around and enjoy my 4 days like they were 40 days. :)

The Difference.

I don't like the way my writing style on this blog has changed. It just proves how much I've changed. I don't know why I changed. I only realized it when I was going through some past entries from last year. I'm really starting to dislike how...random my posts are. How childish they seem.

I think...I was trying to follow somebody else's style of blogging. And though it might seem fun for awhile, and I might get comments, it's not really who I am. I'm a very deep person, who always has multiple things to say, discuss, and talk about. I like being interpretative and figuring out things through writing; it's who I am.

I've stopped talking about myself and my innermost thoughts on this blog for two reasons: One, this is the internet,and it is very uncomfortable to know that strangers know everything about your life, and two, because I think I've been trying to avoid myself. I hope that didn't come out weird. But now, in a split second, I've decided. I'm going to be more open on this blog, because that's who I am. Not open. Deep.

I know how to be cautious. I'll do it in a way where I talk about myself, but it doesn't reveal too much. And talking about your emotions or revealing your deepest thoughts doesn't mean you're sentimental and cry at every outburst. It doesn't mean you're emo either. It just means that you've learned some lessons in life, and you move on with every step and situation and hardship and celebration, take everything in stride, and always keep a smile. I know I'm emotional; but I'm definitely not sentimental.

So, second year ,MBBS begins with me going back to who I really am, and what I really feel.


I feel better already. :)

Twist of fate.

So, today was the first day of second year of MBBS. I loved it. Besides the fact that the twins didn't bring their camera. Because I wanted to take pictures to mark this day! Anyway. Things are easy right now. Eye in Physiology, the skull bones in Anatomy. Frontal and Occipital. They aren't hard :)
And to top it off, I went to Subway with a friend today, and enjoyed an awesome sub after so long. BBQ Chicken. We took so many pictures. I love this friend. I want to put one of the pictures we took up as a profile picture. If it's good enough.
But I have a really nasty flu. It's like the one where your nose is like a leaky faucet and it just never. Stops. Running. And your brain feels like it's melting, and your head hurts, and everything just feels weird. Stupid winter. I like your cold, just not your diseases. I had Panadol CF and Joshaanda, but it's still in that ''kacha, pakka'' stage. Lol.
I haven't had a nap when I came home today. I spent a few hours talking to Mom, and I've been online for the past 2 hours. This is so going to catch up to me when I fall dead on the bed tonight.
I'm in love with the song ''What Makes You Beautiful'' by One Direction. It's too...pop-py for my taste, it sounds pre-teen (like the Jonas Brothers) but it's got such a catchy beat to it!
A friend's wedding is underway, the ''mayun'' was yesterday. She keeps so many ''dholkis'' and ''mayuns'' that everyone started coming wearing casual clothing to them. I took it the same way, and came with a semi-formal suit. And everyone was wearing shaadi clothes! I felt massively out of place. I never want to experience that feeling again. Blegh. It just makes you sad and feeling unwanted and weird. Thankfully, it was over by the time some of my other friends were arriving.
Here is my gajra. Guess which one is my hand:

Nowdays, nothing is really on my mind. Except for getting money from Dad to pay for my practical copies. And to pay more attention in second year.
And to pray more.
And to download more music.
And to get a pink and black suit altered for said friend's wedding. Need money for that too.
And to watch Masterchef USA in 45 minutes.

I don't like Masterchef USA that much. It goes way too fast. They have team challenges and pressure tests in one episode. And the contestants are just plain rude, not to mention the judges. Even though Joe Bastianich is so cute. Italian. Why does America have to make everything so big and dramatized? Masterchef Australia was so nice and sweet, and neutral. I liked it. Does anyone else watch it?
I've fallen in love with Dexter. The same theme music that used to creep me out, now excites me.
I want to watch sooo many movies.
Everyone's getting new phones. I know someone who got a Blackberry. When will my turn come?! :(

Sexy. And out of reach. 23k. Somebody buy?

How was your Monday? I would rate mine...6 out of 10 :) Happy and thankful to still be alive.

Like a Bird.

I honestly feel like one. Profs are officially over.

That deserved a larger font. 3 weeks felt like 3 months. Sleepless nights, mugs of tea (I don't even like tea!)  huge courses, panic attacks, texting the geniuses for answers. Always, always, always worried. Damn. I thought getting INTO medical school would be hard. Maybe I don't remember exactly how hard it was, but 1st year prof seemed a lot harder.

Now I want to stop talking about it. It's over! I'm so glad, and now I have three days off till second year. I have a million things to do, a million people to call, a million places to visit. I honestly can't wait to get started :D And I don't even mind that it's only a three day holiday. I want to get started with second year as soon as possible, and focus on it fully. I want to do so much better than the ''lost, wandering'' person I was in first year. In fact, everybody's like that in first year. Except the ones who have doctors as family members. I don't. So yeah.

The point of this post, is to ask a question that came into my mind while I was coming home today in the Daewoo (seriously, the Daewoo has become a place for inspiration).
I wanted to ask you all, what does freedom mean to you?

It's different for different people, for different genders. Women and men, teenagers and adults, freedom is a versatile word and meaning.  I was just thinking about what it meant to me, and I found myself curious to know other answers.

To me, freedom means:
-To own my own car.
- To earn my own money. Or atleast HAVE my own money. Through Daddy :)
-To finish up with exams.
-To not have any stress on my head.
- Doughnuts. Doughnuts feels like freedom. Don't ask why. I don't know. I love doughnuts.
- To chill in a cafe with friends, having cake and coffee.
-To be with H out somewhere, just enjoying each other's company.
-Walking while it's snowing.
-The New York City skyline, and the Brooklyn bridge, and the Statue of Liberty makes me feel like I'm free.
- To be in a place where I have the choice to smoke, drink, get high...and I don't do any of those things (I most likely won't. I'm honestly very straitlaced.) That is real freedom.
-To be understood.
- To pray regularly and maintain contact with religion.

See, freedom can mean so many things, not just physical freedom. I wanted to know what freedom means to you :)

Rambling thoughts on the Daewoo.

9:15am, Monday morning. My mind just keeps going on and on.

- When I become a mother, I'm gonna show different styles to my daughter from an early age, around 3 years old. So that she can decide what she likes. So that she can find herself. So she won't have to soul search. Atleast for the next couple of years of her childhood.

-''Sarh na. Dua na kar.'' Written on the back of a coaster in front of this bus. I find that funny. Even funnier than the lame poetry some people write on the back of their trucks in Pakistan. Pehli baat, main sarh nahin rahi. Par chalo, dua bhi kar loon gi. If you insist.

-This lady next to me is like, freezing cold. I'm not kidding. And I'm warm, and she's transferring all her unwanted coldness to me. NO.

-Pakistan's seasons are awesome. You can get a tan both in summer and winter, cuz the sun never goes away! Awesome. I don't know why girls are so afraid of tans. Bronze is sexy yo. I love my complexion. You gorays are so sensitive.

-The Kalma flyover is so pretty! I could live on its peak. Seriously. If I was homeless, I'd come here. I love how they have cement boxes on the sides for the growing plants. Not something you see every day here. It looks so envrionment-ly and fresh.

-I think I look pretty today. With my matching sweater and kameez and trousers. I want to be a fashion designer now. Screw MBBS.

-I am totally covered right now. Islamically. It feels awesome. To be able to do this without having to wear a burka, and without having to look like a weird potato sack.

-I need winter boots. I want winter boots. So badly. This year. Everyone has them. It's not just that, they're so sexy. Boottsss.

-Can somebody explain to me the basis of 786 to mean ''Bismillah hirahmaa niraheem?'' Thought of the moment. I am intrigued and curious.

I fell asleep on the bus today.

I got new contact lenses! I'm in love with them. For the sole reason that I can see the world better. Seriously. For 8 months now, I didn't have glasses or contacts. It was weird, squinting at everything, and seeing everything past 10 feet, blurry. I like having a clear world. More confidence :)


I can see clearly now, the rain is gonee.... (I always think of this song when I think of my lenses.)

I'll write a more structured post when I have time. Right now. I don't. I should be napping. I will go now. In a bit. Let me talk first.

Today's Biochem practical went awesomeawesome. Best of all, seriously. ANATOMY LEFT AND THEN I'M FREE! For four days. And then I'm going to go on a movie marathon crazy spree. I plan on watching ''Bol'' and ''Missed''. Any other suggestions?

I loved today. Honestly. Besides the Biochem practical, I had loads of fun with a fellow classmate. We talked about so many things, and found that we had so much more in common ground than I thought of before. And I love talking. And sharing my views AND listening to other people's opinions. But mostly talking. So it was fun. It made me get over the sadness of last night. No details there. I was just sad. But now I'm completely over it, and I'm happy :) Don't you just love people like that? That uplift your mood out of nowhere, and they don't even know it?

My sister's friend has this stupid dholki tomorrow. So much drama regarding that. This is like, her 8th dholki or something. In a row. She's saying dholki even though she really means 'dance practice.' And for some reason, I don't feel that comfortable dancing in Muharram. It feels wrong. And besides, I have to study.

I'm not eating roti salan nowadays. Just Knorr noodles and sandwiches. Exams does that to a person.
I want an outing with my friends as soon as possible. I need the possibility of blowing off money and having good food, good company, and good laughs. I like blowing off money. It's the only regret I can truly live with.

I found out something today. I'm one of those kinds of people that if I get something bad in life, I don't waste my time cursing my fate or ''kismat'' or ''naseeb'' or whatever it is. I learn to adapt around it and move on and work with it. Today, some people got certain experiments that they didn't know that well, and instead of focusing to remember as much as they could and make sure they could do a good enough job, they were basically getting depressed on purpose, saying bad stuff, making a fuss, and getting stuck in that bad moment on purpose. I don't know why they do that. But I don't. And I'm glad :) This way, you can make the bad things into the neutral things and make the good things seem huge :)
 
The bad part about being hyper is that if one day you just feel like being quiet, people think something's wrong.

I gotta go. I'm tired.

Snow Globe.

Winter is here!

I love/hate winter just like I love/hate every season. Except spring. Spring is unique in that it is awesome. Nothing bad about it.

Love about winter: 

1.Getting warmer feels better than getting colder during summer.

2. You get to snuggle and hold your loved ones (I can already hear the single people snorting)

3.Hot chocolate!

4.Dry fruit. Injeer. Mmmm. 

5. It only lasts for a short while here anyway.

6. Snow! In other places besides Lahore.

7. Fashion is sexier. Seriously. I find layering much more fashionable and stylish than shedding clothes off.

Hates:

1. Your hand freezes up and you can't even write.

2. When you can't sleep because your feet are too cold even with socks on. :/

3.You can get dengue, malaria, and heat stroke during the summer. And you get cold, cough, flu, pneumonia, chest infection, sinus, and just about every other type of virus in winter.

...Loves are more :)

It's Muharram, the first month of the Islamic year. My mom always says ''For Christians, their year begins with happiness and hope. And for Muslims, it begins with sadness.'' Whether you're a Sunni or a Shia, Imam Hussain's story is known worldwide, and believed by both sects. In a way, I really don't want to bring out a full scale political war on this blog, because it just isn't right. Islam is about unity. 

I only write on my blog, what's on my mind. My posts are almost never scheduled, neither are they always word vomit, without caring (or pretending to not care) about what I'm writing. I'm not that sort of a blogger. When I decide to write a post, I think about it throughout, and only hit ''Enter'' when I feel it's okay enough. Sometimes my posts are personal, sometimes they're random, sometimes they're updated, and sometimes they go deeper, and I decide to reveal some things about my relationship and personal life.

I get a lot of crap for being in a relationship with a Shia. And being Sunni myself. Especially in this time of the month. In fact, a girl who came over my house the other day, an old friend who has just joined 1st year MBBS and needed my books, found out about me and H. She looked at me incredulously and said ''But...wait...are you two going to get married?!'' She was a Shia herself. She found it unthinkable. I get that a lot, actually. The people who have known us for awhile now have stopped badgering us about it, but I know they still think it. I know because I asked a friend, and she started going on a furious tirade about how we're of different sects, how the marriage will never work, how we won't even know who our kids will be, what will happen.

I'm not going to write in details about my thoughts. But I will give some points.

First of all, I won't go into detail, because that will only end up me being judged by all of you. ''Oh, look, H has changed her, oh, she's already half a Shia, oh look, she's defending herself.'' I have nothing to defend. I know what I think, and I know what is right.

Second, my relationship is mine. Right? So I'll know what to do. Everybody really needs to focus on their futures, their careers, and their families. As you grow older, notice something: You really will not have time to judge. When you have to wake up early every day, be in a hassle till the afternoon, work really hard for whatever you're doing, come home to a family that you have to take care of, idle talk simply doesn't matter. Half of you have reached that stage; half of you still are. But you'll see what I mean when you get there.

Third, I don't need to feel like I have to prove anything to anyone. I love where I am, I'm enjoying my relationship. That also doesn't mean that if it ends tomorrow, you were right and I was wrong. To put one point across, in all the disagreements we've ever had during the 3 years we've been together, we've mostly had them about time, trust, honesty, and all those other relationship matters. Religion was always on agreeable terms. And it's not that we're both ignorant of religion. On the contrary, we're both knowledgable enough. I just feel that if a problem with religion HAS to arise, it doesn't have to affect anybody. Why should it? It's totally my life. I don't share it with anyone, not even H. I make decisions for myself, and I don't like feeling like somebody else, who I don't even know that well or at all, has a say in what I do in my life. Of course, my parents play a huge part, and what they say influences me. But that's about it. 

H is a Shia. There's his label. So now will he be treated like a creature, like somebody who's not human? I know people who have liked and respected H before they knew he was Shia. And when they knew, you could feel the tension in the air. Why? What happened? He's not going to hurt you. 

If there's one thing I like about my medical college friends, it's the fact that they NEVER ask about my relationship. In fact, half of them are not even interested, which suits me more than fine. I don't want nor have to brag, I like having two or three separate lives. One with my college, one with my family, and one with H. Merging them together would be disaster, really.

That was a huge rant back there, I apologize. This month especially gets me all riled up, because it reminds me how people are always going to judge you, no matter what. Always. If you're good, nobody knows. If you've done something bad, nobody forgets. 

Anyways, change of topic, shall we?

I found these really nice old boot-ish type shoes that I bought AGES ago. They're perfect for winter. I wore them to a Quran Khwaani today. I liked them...until my uncle told me I looked like a boy. I think I'll stick to wearing them with jeans now. Not chooridar pajamas. I sometimes pick comfort over fashion, and the result is disastrous. That made me realize that I have a lot of shoes, that are buried in the back of my closet. So, new mission: I'm going to go to my nearest shoe store and get loads of shoe boxes, and sort shoes out. I hope they don't make you pay for shoe boxes. This is Pakistan. Anything can happen. If they see a business out of it, they'll put a price on it.

Vivas and practicals are underway, till the 15th. Next one on the 9th, Biochem viva. I have plenty of time to study for it, thank God.  Today was supposed to be a day to study, but I went to the Quran Khwaani. Was bored out of my mind. Played on my dad's Samsung Galaxy, which I envy but would not want because it's too big.

Besides that, each of my three lives seem to be going okay :) And I'm glad. That's all an adult can hope for, really.

I like Ovaltine. Not Milo. You?

Split personality and Word Vomit. It's been too long.

I feel weird.

I started up Blogger today, opened up the blogs I follow to read their recent posts, and I went from reading their entire posts and commenting, to only reading the first and last line. This is so unlike me. Am I losing tolerance?

Anyways. Major profs are the ended. Today's prof was comparatively good, I liked it better than the other profs. It's a strange feeling though, that I don't feel satisfied by these papers AT ALL. Like, it hasn't even happened once that I've left the hall and felt ''Oh wow, that was awesome, let's do it again!!'' ( Yes, people like me feel like that when we give good papers. We call them nerds. What do you call them?) It just feels like ''It's over, I can go home and sleep, I had to stay up the entire night before.''

Somebody just sent over a whole bag of nimboos. Seriously? Lemonade season is over, whoever you are.

Prof season is just a channel for weird, lost, and confused feelings. 

I didn't mention it before on this blog, but my mother fell severely ill a few weeks ago. When we took her to the hospital, we found out she had blood poisoning and the wound in her foot was infected (while writing this a part of me is thinking 'Stop telling people your life story. Why am I losing heart halfway in everything?!)

We had to get her admitted, and Dad wasn't even here, he went to attend a wedding out of the city. Thankfully, he came back in time. After switching of hospitals and surgeons and postponements, Mom had her surgery two Fridays ago. Because the infection spread to the bone in her third toe...they had to do the worst, because there was nothing else to do, they couldn't save it anymore. The second and third toes were amputated, and though it might sound like a small amputation, it kind of hit my world with like...an equally sized rock. Everything became weird. Time honestly had no meaning. Staying in the hospital for a day felt like 4 days, and one hour felt agonizing. Couple that with having to wake up every day at 5am (and who gets sleep in a hospital anyway?) I'd say life has been throwing a lot of curve balls at me at the moment and they're all hitting my head.

But I'm no one to complain. This is the perfect opportunity to be positive. She is in recovery and doing much better :) She was put in observation in the hospital, to try and control her sugar level because it's been off the charts for a month or so. 200 and above, 250 being the minimum. They changed her insulin, helped her out, and everything has been balanced. She's like a whole new person, I see her so differently now. She's like...my mother. You really don't realize who your parents are until you see them go through pain like this and then come out of it. And you also realize at that moment that nothing could replace them and that you could do,would do, should do anything for them.

The reason all this came out right now is because Mom is at the hospital right now, for her routinely check up. So she's constantly on my mind. So you're supposed to write about what you're thinking and how you feel about it. So there you go.

And prof scene became so hectic, I couldn't actually sit down on the laptop without jumping up every few seconds thinking about the massive course left to study. So my nerves was basically frayed from both ends.

Besides that, I'm really getting annoyed/frustrated/sad/disappointed at a few people. There's a difference between thinking you're absolutely everything and that everybody will listen to you, but at the same time not going overboard (and giving other people a chance to talk or to share and to let them feel important), and then you turn into that person where you actually DO go overboard, and all you see is you and your family and your stories and your anecdotes and your day and your food and your jokes and your pictures and your plans for the night, and you're the one for entertainment and apparently, nobody else matters as much as you. It's strange because this person meant a lot to me uptil recently. And I didn't expect such a rapid change, and I don't know what caused it. I'm also making excuses for said person for changing, because that's just how much that person is a friend to me. But now...I don't know. Does anybody understand what I'm even saying? About how this person is now and how he/she was before? I'm not one of those people who puts up indirect facebook statuses, because...that feels cheap, in a way. But it doesn't feel cheap writing it on here.

But for every annoying friend I have, I have another awesome friend. So life's balanced out, and I'm not going to let anybody get to me that easily. Like A says, ''Just believe that you're awesome.'' Or maybe she said ''Just believe that I'm awesome.'' Um. Well, I'll take the former, because you can't let yourself get down by one friend, one person who ignored you, one bad test. The whole point of trick is to turn your mind around and look at the sun. And there's always a sun. For a bad break up, there are amazing friends. For a horrible paper, you have the concerned and loving parents. For a lonely night, there's the internet. You're not supposed to sulk about what DIDN'T happen. It's supposed to be ''Okay, what do I do now?'' 

I wonder how the Islamiat prof is going to go. We've never even given a single test on it. Every senior's saying it's easy, but it's easy because they've already given it. Duh. 

I have a senior friend, SR. She goes in my bus, and she's super sweet. Today she dropped me off home. I loved her generosity and character, and we didn't stop talking all on the way back home. I even talked with pizza in my mouth.

Oh, that reminds me. I love Cakes and Bake's ''pizza pieces.'' 25 rupees of pure yum. I bought two today. And they have so much variety now of other things, like burgers and stuff. I'm so gonna bring a lot of money and stuff my face with food.

I'm going to go have Knorr noodles. Two packets of it. Then study until 8:30, and watch the Masterchef season finale! Kate and Michael. I know who wins. I've known for months. But watching the battle is awesome. Do I sound sadistic? O.o

Upbeat song I listen to after successfully coming back home from a prof: All About Tonight by Pixie Lott. 

It was in my head DURING the prof today as well.

I want to write so much more, I could feel the incomplete-ness inside of me. But I have a strange negative feeling that most people wouldn't even get through this post! If you do, just comment saying that you did. It would make me feel fuzzy inside. :)

Randomhyper's philosophies:

''Going back home always feels like a shorter distance than leaving it. Because it's home.''

Smash.

2 profs down, 2 more to go.

They are going...strange. Definitely not as well as FSc papers used to go, where I knew every single question, and could answer clearly and as much as I could. So far, in each paper there has been atleast one question or a part of a question, that I didn't know the answer to. So, I had to break my honesty rule: I cheated. Not in mcq's though. Just in the short questions. I wasn't getting one question today AT ALL.

I love being able to go online upstairs, even though the Wifi is downstairs. Granted, things don't load as fast, but I get to enjoy privacy. And I am spared from the thand of the drawing room, where I usually sit.

I am currently online, when I should be studying. I just don't have it in me to study continuously, and all the time. My schedules are arranged so that I get plenty of free time to eat, talk on the phone, and watch TV. Lol. I need a pressure free environment.

Along with being online, I have taken it upon today to listen to my entire playlist- which isn't much, since I only recently rebooted my computer. But I've been downloading songs for the past hour, and belting at the top of my voice with my sister to random songs. Skyscraper. Story of Us. Sparks Fly. 

Great stress reliever.

I Wanna Go is on right now, and I'm surrounded by my sisters,and I'm pleasantly sleepy and weak. Cuz I slept for 4 hours straight when I came home today. I slept so heavily, I didn't hear my alarm ring, and THAT'S a first. Insomnia cured!

I'm hungry. I think my sister said we had daal chaawal. Not my preference, but...I'll eat it. Mostly because I have no money to buy myself a shawarma. 

This post had no real meaning, I just missed my blog. And I didn't feel like prof exams was a strong enough reason to stay away.

Oh. I've also been really philosophical nowadays, like the old times. It happens, when I use my brain too much. Some of my mind's conclusions and the end result of late night contemplations:

"With age, comes wisdom. With it also comes more choices and options. And so there's a greater risk of picking the wrong choice. Sometimes the simpler things in life- like being younger- are better."

"If you're good, there's someone better. You can't spend your entire life trying to find that better person, and then competing. So forget comparing yourself with other people. Live your life, and be happy with it. Happiness counts more than ability."

 "Athiests: It's easy to believe in something, it's harder to not believe.                         Muslims: It's easy to believe in something. It's harder to keep believing it. And to hold hope and faith."

Pictures that inspire me in numerous ways.

Have an awesome, amazing, positive weekend. Seriously. Last weekend of November! Not that it's significant. But. Okay, I'll go now.

Prof Mode.

Prep is not complete.
Course is way too big. 4 sub-subjects.
Things aren't staying in my head, I keep on forgetting things.
First professional exam on Tuesday.
Not scared. Terrified.
Not of failing. Of just not getting good enough.
That is all.

(Actually, I have to study. Story of my life.)

Can we bring yesterday back around?

This is a total random post to inform everyone that I was not sacrificed on Eid, I am alive, and I am bored out of my mind and have nothing useful to tell you. Even the blog post's title is a song. A cookie if you can tell me which song.

Celebration.

Have a blessed Eid, remember the sacrifice Hazrat Ibrahim was ready to make, and most importantly, remember Allah.

Diagonal.

I feel better now.

It happens to everyone, once in awhile. Where one day, bad things just keep on happening, one after another, and it doesn't seem like it's letting up. Or slowing down, at all. So, my last post was proof of those days. I was very tempted to delete it, but I think it serves as a nice reminder that I lost my cool, but I just as easily regained it back.

The Embassy appointment thing worked out. Turns out, I didn't even need one. Lol. There's been some rule changing regarding sponsorship, so I don't need to go to the Embassy. Thank goodness.

Eid is coming up! I don't prefer this Eid much, Eid u Fitr is so much more fun. With the Eidee and all. But this Eid gets me thinking about more religious things. Like the sacrifice Hazrat Ibrahim was ready to give for Allah. Could any of us do that? In this time and age, I definitely say no. We have a cow, like we do every year, and right now it's sitting my garage. Since my neighbors have a part in it too, they were helping out with tying it with a tree in the park during the day. And my neighbor was just petting it and loving it. It all felt so strong, while I was watching that. Log kehte hain k asal wali qurbaani woh hoti hai jo paaltu jaanwar ki hai. The goat/cow you've raised lovingly, because then you feel the pain of losing him. The cow's only been here 8 hours and I'm getting emotional. Jeez.

Hajj gets me emotional too. Especially when I hear ''Allahumma Labaik'' on TV. And see them throwing the stones, and going to Arafat. All in all, it was an emotional day.

Study wise, I'm going okay. It's going. Just going. Still keeping up with Masterchef though. Old, yummy, tasty habits die hard. And then don't die at all. That made no sense, I was just trying to sound cool.

It's like a crazy 5:23a.m. I was supposed to be asleep an hour ago, but my mom woke up and we just got to talking. Moms are cool like that. Hain na? And then we both ended up laughing about crazy people. Now, she's praying Fajar and I'm blogging.

This actually made me LOL.

Tomorrow will be a day of me waking up at 2pm, studying and cleaning closets. Wuhoo. -_-

Crap.

There's just a lot of crap right now. I've only been awake 45 minutes, and shit has bombarded me.

I'm normally not a person to rant about my stress on my blog, and I'm also the one to look at the positive side, and keep hope. But when there's things just hitting you, over and over again. Ugh.

We missed our Oct. 31st appointment to go to the US Embassy to submit the forms that I have to give to petition for my parents. Actually, we didn't miss it. We couldn't afford to submit the forms. Each form is about $420. And so, after setting the appointment and pestering my dad, no use. 

So then I decided to make another appointment today and then pester my dad again. I saw Dec. 7th, was available, so I clicked it to make an appointment. Apparently, because I didn't cancel the previous appointment, I can't make a new one. And to cancel the previous one, you need an appointment password. You enter that, and click cancel. Sound simple? The appointment password was on the appoinment sheet that I had to print out.

I deleted it a few weeks ago when I thought I didn't need it anymore.

So now I have no appointment password, an appointment I need to cancel, and an appointment I need to make. And let's not forget that I do have a time limit because people will be constantly making appointments online and booking slots. There were only 6 time slots open for Dec. 7th. By the time I get everything sorted out, what if all the time slots are booked? Then I'll have to wait for the New Year!    :/

So I decided to send an email to the embassy explaining the situation, and them emailing my appointment password to me. I open my email account...and find that I can't open it. Password incorrect. And then I remembered that I set the password to expire every 72 days. Because of some idiotic hacker that kept on hacking my account. Shit. So I sent a reset password link to H's account, and proceeded to open his email. Password incorrect again. I forgot his password. And he's busy at work right now, so I can't bother him about this. 

On top of that, I've been placed the responsibility of finding my brother a place to live in the States (long story, don't feel like telling you). And shit's going down from there as well. And my dad is going to be on my head about it when he comes home.

As if I already don't have profs and studying to worry about.

There's also some internal family stuff involved which is too personal to mention, but trust me, it's throwing me off very badly.

I feel disoriented, messy, and lost. And I absolutely hate this feeling. I hate days like this when everything is going wrong, nothing is going right at all. I better make the effort, go pray to Allah, and turn this day around myself.

Potterfreak.

POTTER OVER TWILIGHT ANY DAY.

This will now be a rant on why I love Harry Potter and why I dislike Twilight.

And how I will immediately lower my liking for you if you claim to like both. You just can't You're weird then.

Harry Potter...is amazing. (I'm more articulate when it comes to hating.) 7 amazing books, and even though the story might be a little cheesy and corny at times, it was a basic theme (good over evil) dazzled in magic. And it taught loads of things: bravery, courage, selflessness.

The first point I have to raise is HOW can anyone compare 3 Twilight books with 7 HP ones? That just isn't fair. More books, you're the winner. Because it's a much better explained story.

Before my laptop crashed this summer, I wrote a post saying that I was going to go see the last HP7 part in theatres. I did. It was frikkin awesome. You can't beat that. STEPHANIE MEYER, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

And what's Twilight about? Vampires. Hm. And about Bella being in love with one, and how she can't live without him. Well. Forgive me if this sounds like a normal soppy romance on the way. (Oh wait! It is.)

I tried watching Twilight once. First of all, everything was always either blue or black. The sky, the house, the environment. That turned me off. Secondly, Bella looked sleepy half the time. And it just seemed like a downer movie. Nothing was fun, or interesting. There was no humor. I was just gaping at the screen, and then turned it off. Never watched it again. I never even tried. 

Okay, I just realized that this is making me sound like a Twlight hater. Oops. 

Let me straighten this. Twilight is a series. A 3 part series. Just like millions of 3 part series out there. Maybe if I had given it a chance, I would've come to enjoy it. Reading the books, I mean. And to me, Twlight is like one of those series that you read, you like, you recommend, and move on. It doesn't seem like it should impact anybody (like it does).

What really drives me over the edge is when people compare Harry Potter with Twlight. Seriously?

IT IS INCOMPARABLE. You're comparing 7 series of books that began in 1993 and ended in 2010, with a 3 part series that was probably complete in 3 years max? 

You just can't. How can you? :/

Anyway.

I will always be the girl who, when she sees Robert Pattison, she'll scream ''Cedric!'' instead of Edward.

And will love Severus Snape with everything ever. He is so awesome. 

What about you? Potterhead or Twlightian? I won't judge. I love my followers. :)

Dream Diary.

I woke up about 50 minutes ago, and I had the weirdest dream.

It was like, the beginning of a horror movie. Mom, me, and my other two sisters were in it. We were going by walk to a bazaar to sell my mom's jewelry to pay for going to America. Surprisingly, she was happy about it. On the way, we came to H1's (my youngest sister) school, and the guard outside said to come in,Mrs. Bushra (her principal) was expecting us. We didn't wanna get late, so we said no. But they insisted, so then we said okay. The school had completely changed. The floor had nice, shiny granite tiles, and the bathrooms were made of pink marble, even the toilets. When we first saw the principal, she had her head down on the desk, which I found odd. But when we came, she woke up and talked to us about Haley's progress in school and stuff. She was saying stupid things like ''she couldn't even make a gulab jamun'', and ''she can count all the way to thirty now.'' :s Like, things that were way above and beyond or below her class standard. So anyway, after a while, Mom then said we had to go sell the gold. The principal looked at Mom and said ''It's dark now, the bazaar will be closed'', and she was smiling. Then my mom started yelling really loudly, and I could hear in her voice that she was about to cry. She was saying ''You knew I had to go to the jewellers before nightfall, you deliberately kept me here to waste my time,'' and the principal said ''Lower your voice'', and from somewhere, I even heard my dad saying it.  So we huffed out, and it was turning dark rapidly. We decided to go and check the bazaar anyway, just in case any jeweller shop was open. The road was a gorgeous, slightly winding wide road with spreading trees on either side. And on top of a small hill, I saw my dad, sitting cross legged, getting a chop massage from some man. I lagged behind Mom, and looked up to my Dad, and told him that all of us were going to the bazaar. He nodded. So I started walking to the bazaar. I was alone at this point, because everyone went ahead of me. 

Then out of nowhere, I heard my mom scream, questioningly. ''This isn't the bazaar. This is a strange kind of jewellers. We shouldn't have come. We made a mistake.'' And my sisters were screaming in the background. From the moment my mom had begun talking, I begun to run. Really fast. It was pitch black now, and suddenly a swithcblade appeared in my hand. And then I turned the corner that led to the bazaar, where I heard their voices were coming from, and the entire half circle entryway was ablaze. And I was staring at it. And then, in font, it said in the centre of the blaze, ''The Evil C''. Like this was a horror movie. 

I woke up then. At 2:38pm. This dream (er..nightmare) was so perfectly coordinated, it's not even a joke. What does this mean?!

It was weird waking up from a pitch black nightmare, to stare into sunlight through your window. Very, very comforting though.

I'm gonna go have these things called ''ladoo pithian'' (that's a random hazard guess at spelling) and maybe omelet, and then start study. Cuz I have to. For some reason, I'm excited about study today. In my heart. It's weird. Ab koi nazar naa lagaa dein, khuda k waste.

P.S I ended up watching both Masterchef and Criminal Minds again yesterday. It's impossible to study when I know the shows are on. I'll struggle again today.

P.P.S  I have too much of an overanalytical mind and I wish it wasn't so. Cuz I think I'm not on top anymore. So I don't feel amazing.

Break the Habit.

God, TV shows are way too addicting. I'm starting to feel extremely pathetic for watching them. I mean, I know who wins in Masterchef Australia, and yet I still watch? Why? Why?

I know why.

Cuz of the food.

It looks so delicious. And I hate it when the judges are tasting it.

And Criminal Minds...I wanted to watch it until Emily Prentiss met up with Ian Doyle and to see the final confrontation. So I did, yesterday. And yet, I almost STILL watched today's episode, before catching myself after 20 minutes and forcing myself to study.

I've had a chocolate craving for a week now. I need something chocolatey after dinner. Yesterday was a Cadbury bar. The few days before that was Feast ice cream. Today I had to settle with halwa. Desi. :/

Whimsical resolution: I will not watch Masterchef tomorrow, or Criminal Minds, or any other show. Done.

Studying is just...going. It's not where I want it to be. I want to focus my whole day on it. But I'm barely putting in more than 4 or 5 hours. It's cuz of the curse of the TV shows. 

I want a new phone so bad. But then A told me that it's better not to have it for now, since profs are coming up.And with a new phone, I'll just be manically taking pictures and putting in music and what-not.

(Nobody will understand this. But I need to write it down.) I've gained control. I'm back on top. And honestly? It feels amazing.

Randomie (s) #2

• I put words in other people's mouths. All the time. I have to stop that habit.

• FSc was a huge transition in my life. Not just a stepping stone, like it is for most people. My college experience made me who I am today. Those 2 years were the point where I changed myself. Actively and passively. Some I made an effort, some just happened. Different friends, different ideology, different people. I tarted focusing more on study, I started solidifying a career for myself. So, it wasn't just 2 years of education. It was an actual transition.

• I wonder how deep my words affect him. I wonder how often he remembers me and thinks of me. I wish I knew. I really do.

• Even though I talk a lot (and I'm an introvert for the most part, so that's really weird), I start to dislike it when I've talked for about 80% of the entire conversation, and the person is just calmly listening to me. Bless them. I have to learn to listen more and stop competing for air time.

• A friend of mine told me to read Durud Shareef a hundred times before sleeping to sleep peacefully. And for me to stop having panic attacks. It worked like a charm. Planning on incorporating that into my life. :)

•  My brother wants an ear piercing. He's serious. :/ In the process of convincing him out of it.

•  I just had a cutlet and cheddar cheese grilled sandwich with ketchup. I feel ALIVE! Good food = happy mood. Always. 

• I'm going to write about my interesting moments as much as I can. My life is not as boring and study filled as it seems. 

My favorite bro-tip.

Stretching Like a Cat.

My sleeping schedule has been cured (I think) in the weirdest way.

I sleep for 12 hours (for about a month now)and wake up tired and dredgy and groggy, and it stays that way the entire day.

But I sleep for 5 hours, and I'm as fresh as a coffee bean? 

Weird. So anyway. Yeah, slept at 4, woke at 9, been awake ever since. I had to go the get my past papers and gives some money to the bank for my sister's fees, but then I realized that today the bank is closed. I'm not stupid or anything, they ONLY just announced that Saurday is an official holiday here. For banks. Great. So I had a really nice and quiet breakfast of French toast and orange juice. It felt nice. To eat breakfast after what seems like an eternity. And in peace and quiet.

Yesterday me and my mom went to do some small scale grocery shopping. I bought my most awaited item: CHEESE. Cuz I'm gonna make lasagna today! :D

I've never made it before, but I know all the elements. This is gonna be exciting!

Italian food is love. I'm serious.

And yes, I still plan on getting some studying done after the making of the Italian dish. Geez.

Besides that, nothing to look forward to in my day, I'm not really supposed to look forward to anything except my professionals. And the fact that I have to start studying extra seriously. So far I'm only studying about 3 hours a day, because I wanna watch Masterchef Australia and Criminal Minds. So that just ruins my whole day right there.

I wanna be in 2nd year M.B.B.S sooo bad.

Launch Code.

Made a new schedule today that incorporates as much of study as possible.

It begins tomorrow.

Tummy feels better. Health is more or less, back on track.

I plan on sleeping early tonight.

Doomsday is Nov.22nd.

THE PREP BEGINS.

(P.S Wish me luck!)

Mystifying.

It's that time of the year again.

I was just rapt while watching Live Hajj on TV. Just now.

Those lucky people.

This is an experience I am dying to live. Religion all around you, people just as dedicated and devoted. The Ahram, the Kaabah, the two cities. The forty days.

Lucky Mehreen!

I wanna go. My heart is yearning.