Paperweight.

Maybe it's just me, but life is definitely getting tougher. Will get to that later.

I went to Kallar Kahar this Saturday on the trip! Okay, I know the trip was for Khewra Mines first, but there was a alot of hassle involved, our Class Rep (who is also in my group of friends) was running around back and forth, trying to arrange everything- fuel, guest house, food, timings. The trip ended up changing three venues, then cancelling (NO!) and then changing back to Kallar Kahar.

Kallar Kahar :)

A jungle in a mountain.

So, overall, it was fun. Even though the heat was sweltering (I don't know what April is playing at, I mean, the scorching heat begins in July, it's crazy for it to begin now! Global warming people...) we ignored it, drank loads and loads of water (we literally had a bottle collection on the way home) and had the time of our lives. On the way back, we all gathered up in the bus and talked about our lives, our families, and most scariest of all...scary stories. Lol. It was actually a perfect scene, because the lights in the bus were on, and since it was nighttime, it was pitch black outside. Scary :/

Besides the trip, you know what the best part was? I got to stay in the hostel with A and Sa and S! :D I planned that from the beginning, but on the way home, my mom stopped me and said I had to come home. But when I got to the hostel, I called her again and told her that they were all insisting that I should stay. Kind of dejectedly, she said ''Okayyy.'' Haha.

It's sad that I don't have any pictures of that, but it was ten times better than the trip. We stayed up and watched a movie called ''Dear John'', which was really nice. I'm a sucker for romantic films, seriously. And I was near tears at one part, but since A was watching the movie with me, I didn't want to cry. We had coffee, and we also had a slight adventure in which someone came knocking on the door to tell us that one of the girls who came on the trip went missing. The reason for why they came to our door was because Z is also A's roommate, and she's the CR. So there we are, in the middle of the night, in the hostel grounds, calling up people trying to find out where that girl was. Turns out she was sleeping in one her friend's rooms in the hostel. :/ After she told her parents to come pick her up. 

How she got into medical college, I'll never know.

Then I talked on the phone with H for a little while, and went to sleep. The next morning, Sunday, we had traditional halwa puri, and then just relaxed for awhile. Me and A finished watching the movie, which we couldn't the night before because the electricity went out. And then everyone started studying for the General Anatomy test (not me though) and I just watched them. I left at 5pm to go home.

I've been feeling really odd and out of place recently. To shed light on what I mean, today was the General Anatomy test...I didn't give it. I didn't even go to college. And I had it in my power to study the night before...but I didn't. My head was hurting, and I went to sleep at 11:30pm, something I haven't done since I was 13 years old. I feel a little reckless and confused...why am I doing this? I'm also really behind in a lot of my work for college, like my Histology practical, Biochemistry practical, and substage prep. Thinking about it a lot today, I vowed to myself to step it up, and get myself focused. I worked so hard to get here I'm not going to give it up THAT easily. I think I was still in the trip kinda mood, all carefree and having fun and not studying. 

I love Hugh Grant. I love him. I just watched ''Did You Hear About the Morgans?'' for the second time. He's just so...classy, and elegant, and cute and hot. 

Not to mention funny.

I've always had a crush on him, and since H speaks with a British accent, he sort of reminds me of him,the formal kind of a guy, a gentleman. :)

He just looks so badass here. Wow.

Load shedding has begun again in full force. Ugh. The light goes out for so long, and I don't mind as long as the UPS is working, but once THAT battery dies out...that's it, basically. Light's officially out for me. And like I mentioned before, the heat is CRAZY this year. It's way too early, and way too hot. I'm so hating this.

We're still having money problems. It's kinda like a slide. Sometimes we're good, sometimes we aren't. I'm even too afraid to ask my dad for money to buy solution for my contacts, which cost near nothing. Yes, we're that down in the dump. :( I have so much I need to buy (important things, mind you, not girly I-need-to-shop-no-matter-what things) like highlighters, and pay my bus fees, and new books for MBBS, but I can't ask for money. Dad is always worried all the time, and I don't want to worry him further, be it the fact that I'm only showing him reality. Because when you love someone, you want to take away anything that can hurt the other person, and prevent them from more hurt. I love my Daddy :)

Speaking of daddies...it's been a whole year since H's father's stroke. That. is. fuckin. amazing. He's still here, very much alive, and very much on the right track to getting completely better. I'm just so amazed and so thankful. Nobody except his family and me know what they have had to go through, it's been one hell of a year. A year that's changed everything about us. I told H to give him a hug from me. :)

I still do have a lot of problems,but to be honest, I'm sick of whining. I'll bring them up whenever they come up by themselves. Thanks for reading. If you've made it this far, leave a comment too :P

Death.

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon.

 My mom's chachoo (uncle) died today, the younger brother of my grandfather, so he was basically like my grandfather.

Even though he was old and everything (79 years old) the shock and surprise is always the same. The feeling of solemness is always the same, and the day can't be a good day no matter what.

For sudden deaths, for young deaths, old, diseased, or expected, no matter what, it is always a surprise. I was just telling my sister that, and she agreed with me. Death is such a mysterious thing that even when it's time for someone to go, we just want to hold on for that much longer because even though, as Muslims, we know what's going to happen, we just can't bear knowing they're gone and experiencing something that we haven't, and for the remainder of our lives here, we won't see them again.My mom, dad, and the two little siblings went to Faisalabad for the death. Me and my slightly younger sister are at home, because she has a project deadline coming up, and I have my Histology spotting and 2nd substage this week, I can't aford to go to another city. It might sound horrible, but it really is a necessity to stay here. I knew exactly what I was getting into when I came into MBBS, I knew I would have to miss functions and deaths and weddings and hang outs. It's a choice I made, so even though I feel guilty occasionally, it's kinda for the 'greater good'.

May Allah give Nana Iftikhar a place in Paradise, forgive his sins, and lessen his punishment in the grave. (Ameen)

I know it's been a long time since I've blogged, but life just took an extremely hectic turn. Once Spring break was over, we were besieged with tests, and if I came online, it was for small things. It takes me approximately a half hour to write a blog post, and frankly, I didn't have the time. Lol.

Life, overall, is okay, with the exception of the death that just happened. Deaths always makes a person very solemn and quiet. So that's kinda my mood right now. 

Me and H are doing pretty alright :) The play was a fiasco though, I swear to God. Not going into details, it caused a major major fight, almost to the point where everything seemed completely pointless to continue, and then, we just kinda talked it out (after about 10 minutes of screaming at each other) and talked about why we're being so snappy and what we could do to fix it. We found out some solutions, and we did make up in the end. Now, things are not as lovey dovey as I want them to be, but I've realized now, that it's not always about the 'lovey dovey'. Well, I knew that before too, but I just wish things would go back to the way they were, when we both had so much time for each other, where all I had to do was give him one missed call and he's call back and come meet me within a half hour. But let's face it, we both know, and it is a fact of life, that as you grow older, you get busier, with you life, your education, your career, your job. And it's happened to both of us. Now most couples break it off because of lack of communication and the usual statement: ''You don't have time for me anymore.'' And though that is the case with us too, we are truly trying to make this work, because we can be together.

One of the points that we touched upon when we were talking everything through is my negativity. I may have mentioned before that I was having some serious trust issues with him, I wouldn't trust him on anything. And as we talked about it, I realized that in a way, things are my fault. Why aren't I giving myself a chance to make me trust him? Why am I deliberately putting myself through a frenzy of hell worrying about every little thing, about why he didn't call, about whether he loves me or not, and then always concluding the worst? I always thought that being a bit negative is good for a human, because then it allows them to prepare for any unexpected thing that can come their way, but a lot of good it has done me. It's just made me a cynic.

So that night, I decided to be more positive about my life and about my relationship. To always know in the back of my head that things can wrong, but to trust myself and to trust Allah that things won't. And Alhamdulillah, it has been working like a charm. He is still not texting a lot, and we didn't talk for about 2 nights, but I didn't take it negatively. I reminded myself that he does love me, he's just tired, and we have tomorrow (even though I'm a strong believer of ''too late'', I always believe that tomorrow might never come, so do what you want and what you have to today)

So things are better. Yay :)

I'm in love love love with this song:

Avril Lavigne's always been a love! She's one of my favorite singers ever, she helped get me through my teen years. Whenever I think of the period between 13-19 years old, I think of Avril, her voice, and her music :)

Okay, so now I'm going to get something to eat, and then probably start study. Or lay down for awhile, because I've been up since 10am and I went to sleep at 5:30am after talking to him for awhile. I'll try to blog on regularly, whenever I can get some spare time. 

Have a great Sunday :)

The fear of falling.

We talked on the phone last night.

It was a productive talk, I have to say. He texted all day saying that we would talk at night no matter what, and throughout the call, I could hear him struggling with his voice, he was so tired, and after about an hour and a half, he just fell asleep. I felt so bad at that point, thinking that to some extent, I can't really blame him for everything. I can blame him for not apologizing for the way he's been treating me, but his life is as tough as it can get.

The main thing that I reminded myself of last night, was that even though I've begun MBBS and I'm studying a lot, and it's really hectic and hard, atleast I get a three hour nap when I get home. Without that nap, I can't even think about studying, my brain feels heavy, and I will be lazy and sluggish all day (er, night). 

And he goes through the entire day without a nap, and yet he still talks to me at night, at around 1am. I can't think about staying up that late if I didn't have a nap. And he does it almost every day. He wakes up at 9 in the morning, finishes work by 5, then comes home and deals with his family, his dad, who is still recovering from his stroke. And doesn't get to nap or rest for himself.

O_O

I think I can let him off now. I think I've been a little too hard.

I asked him if he honestly thought that he was putting an effort in this relationship. He said:

''No, I'm not. I know I'm not. But I can't. I'm sorry. This is supposed to be the hardest part of our lives, the part where we're supposed to work for getting married. And you know it's harder for us too, because I'm Shia and you're Sunni, and I'm also younger than you. I have to come to your family and show them that I'm established.''

He also used an example. He said ''When you're about to give me a surprise, and I'm guessing about it, saying ''Are you going to give me a surprise?'' you would lie to me to keep the suspense right? A small white lie, just to make me very happy with the surprise in the end. Well Wafi, that lie is our life right now, and that surprise is the life we'll have when we get married. Please understand that.''

I admit his point was valid. But then how does he expect to have that happy married life is he can't maintain his relationship now? That's what I always wonder. He's not making me happy now, then how can we be happy and maintain that same feeling of closeness in the future? Because if one thing is certainly gone, it's the feeling of closeness I've had with him.

Well, everything else aside, I guess you can tell that I didn't end things with him. And I might be viewed as a huge weakling in front of everyone who is reading this post right now. But I can honestly say, that you guys haven't gone through all of this. This relationship, every little thing. I wasn't even on Blogspot when the good times, fantastic times were here. I might not trust him to be there for me, but I do trust him to not cheat, and more importantly, not leave. He said he won't ever leave. And for the past 2 and a half years, I've been the one who might've tried to call quits, but he's never done it. Not once. 

That's gotta mean something, right?

Things are just alright now. I still feel some sense of loneliness, and I am definitely not getting my hopes up. There's a play tomorrow, at my friend's university, and I asked him if he would come. He said yes. To be frank, I'm not excited, but it's not because of him It's because I don't want to get happy, and then find out he can't come, and then get into a really depressive state. And it's been so long since I've actually planned a sneak out, so it was kinda weird planning it today with my sister. We'll tell Mom this, and we'll go like this, and be back by this. Lol. But I have to take this step, and hopefully by the end of tomorrow night, I will feel much better. :)

InshAllah.

I studied a lot yesterday! :D Even started on Histology, which wasn't as hard as I thought. I never actually thought it was hard, just long and boring. I love the colors of that subject though. Pink and purple. My all time favourite :)

Today is the last day of Spring break. I am sad, because this week has been very blissful in terms of relaxation, it is exactly what I needed. I'm telling you, if there's one thing I hate more than anything, it is waking up at 6am. The amount of willpower it takes is sheer staggering. I honestly think I deserve an award if people know the raging war that goes on in my head in the morning.

''It's okay, go to sleep, you're so tired...''

''No, but today is a practical class!''

''So what, your attendance is perfect in that class, one day won't mess it up...''

''But I'll regret it like crazy when I wake up later in the afternoon!''

Yes. That's my mind.

You know how much I love blogging? I came on here right after I brushed my teeth and prayed :D Yup. Haha. And now I'm really hungry, and it's time for the next prayer, Asr. And then I'll begin studying, I guess. I really don't want to go to college tomorrow, really really don't. I'll make my final decision tonight, lol.

Alhamdulillah, money is coming in :) And my home life is pretty stable. 

I have to remember that I'm not the only one going through a hard time because of him, he's also going through a hard time because of life. Time will fix everything, not because of time itself, but it'll make me realize things. It'll make me see that he either is doing all this for me, or he isn't. It'll make me see what is true and what is not. And till then, my defence mechanism have already been up, so I will be prepared for the worst.

I hope everyone is having a good day, and will have an even better weekend :)

 

When I'm lost.

I knew the smoking topic would come up again, and I also knew that when it did, that whole box of things I put away in the farthest corner of my mind would come back out again.

I can't blame myself. I knew it would happen. I deliberately found this ''self defense'' mechanism in me so that I wouldn't have to deal with it. I had way too much going on in my life, like studies, and my family, that I felt like it had to be dealt with later.

Then the whole thing with my brother happened. Which brought back memories of what happened with H.

And this time, I did not want to go back.

I did not want to go back to packaging all that up again and putting it at the back of my head.

For the sole reason that I was done lying to myself, telling myself everyday that everything is okay.

So when I embarked on these ''long, sensitive'' talks with him these past nights, it was with the intention of straightening everything out for me. After all, how long was I going to keep on telling myself that everything was fine when I really,truly felt like nothing was?

Was I supposed to pretend like everything was okay just because he was acting like it was? Wasn't it in my place to speak out when I felt like something was wrong?

After the night he told me that ''line'', we didn't talk again. He was probably tired from work and fell asleep early.

Not that I mind. But ever since that night, my mind has been a constant whirl of thoughts, and nothing more or less. I haven't talked to him since yesterday,not a single text. I need to think about this. I need to think about how to go about all of this.

How am I supposed to talk to this guy so that it doesn't make me feel like I'm talking to a brick wall?

''The only way a girl speaks out is if she knows she's going to be heard.''

How do I go about explaining the same goddamn things over and over again, in a way which makes him actually realize something, and it doesn't sound like he's heard it ten thousand times before?

I'm sick of having my texts ignored.

I'm sick of not being appreciated (note I said ''being'', not ''feeling''. This is an actual action that he is NOT doing).

I'm sick of no feedback.

I'm sick of being put third, fourth, tenth, whatever.

I'm sick of him not folllowing through to his promises.

I'm sick of him acting like trust comes with time, and with him not making an effort.

I'm sick of him blaming ME for not trusting HIM.

I'm sick of him acting like everything's alright all the time, when it's NOT.

I'm sick of my mind telling me over and over again not to believe him, because he'll just hurt me again.

I'm sick of getting sad just thinking about us and our (supposed) future.

I'm sick of everything.

I don't want to text him right now. And I haven't yet. I just need time to myself. Just to figure out exactly what I'm supposed to do or say.

Firstie!

I got my first blog award! :D

 Thank you Nas! You think I'm stylish! Or atleast, my blog is. :P If you haven't already checked out Closing Pandora's Box, you should. Doesn't the name itself just inspire you? :D

7 FACTS ABOUT MOI

1. I love kitties! I talk in an unknown language when I see them,haha.

2, I need to take charge of a project or a schedule. I'm bossy, yes. But I feel like nobody can do a better job than I can at leading.

3. I suck under pressure. Seriously. I panic, and hyperventilate, and freak out, and drop anything I'm holding. DON'T tell me to make a right when we've already passed it...while I'm driving. I will crash the car. :P

4. I have phobias. (: I am afraid of closed spaces (I still cannot go into elevators, and when I do, I keep on praying under my breath) I am afraid of heights (DEATHLY afraid. My heart feels like a frog, jumping everywhere. Which ultimately means I am afraid of rollercoasters and rides too) I am afraid of death (who isn't?) I am afraid of failing a major exam (You are free to call me a nerd.) And my fears basically rule my life. :(

5. I'm very materialistic, though I hate admitting it. Lol. My inevitable dream is to have a huge room closet like Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City. HELL YEAH.

6. I am very emotional, sensitive, and most of all..paranoid. I over anaylse and over think too many things, and I never leave things simple.

7. The first thing I ever wanted to be was a teacher. Then a lawyer. Then a psychologist. Then I thought, if I'm going to be a psychologist, why not get a medical degree and make it more official sounding? Lol, just kidding. Then, I wanted to be a doctor. But throughout all these career changes, doctor always stayed in my mind. It was the most consistent.

Tagging time! I'll tag:

Furva S. from Insights of the head beneath the cover

Drama Personified from It Ain't That Simple, Baby

Mehreen from The Perfect Line

Jeweliot from Crazy Diamond

Fatima Rana from Piece of Cake

Okay, that's enough already!

I REALLY REALLY have to go back to my household now, lol. Need to make a cup of tea for Dad, pray, and then sit down and study. Lol. Today is Monday, so I really hope everyone has a productive week! 

Insights.

Me and him are having ALOT of in depth talks nowadays. Lol.

We talked a lot about deep, sensitive stuff last night too. It was slightly better, because I feel like for the past two months, we've kinda been stuffing things under the rug, and just talking about the shallow surface stuff. ''How was your day? What did you do? Oh wow, that's nice.''

I always promised myself I would never fall in that litany, and I did. 

So we talked. And talked and talked. About feelings, and things that have changed, we laughed, we were put in shock, we...no, we didn't cry. Lol. I think we're too old for that now. :)

One thing that completely COMPLETELY caught me off guard was when I asked him 

Me: So, what was the sentence that I could've said that would've made you quit smoking? Not that I'll say it now, I want you to quit by yourself, without any help.

Him: It's simple. It was ''If you love me, you'll quit.''

O_O

Are you serious?

I'VE SAID THAT BEFORE! The first time I ever caught him, I said that! ''If you love me, you'll quit. If you care about my happiness, you will stop doing it.'' And even though he did, he got back on it a year later, and then after that it was a series of on and offs. 

And then when I tell him that I've said it before, he says ''No, I made it a rule to quit when you would say that. And you never did.''

But I did!! IdidIdidIdidIdid! I know I did! :( I didn't know HOW I felt at this point. I was just...stunned. That's all it had to take. Something that I have been feeling in my heart for the past 2 years, that if he loved me and cared about me, he would quit by himself, and I never voiced it out because I was afraid his answer would be no.

Hold on. I wasn't afraid his answer would be no. I KNEW his answer would've been no. Because I remember, when I did tell him to quit because it hurt me, he would say

''I've never been selfish about anything in my life. Let me have this.''

And also

''I began this before we were committed. It seems unfair that you have the right to stop me now, doesn't it?''

I did say it. :(

I know I did. I must sound like some robot on repeat, but nobody knows what's going through me. I have ALWAYS felt that way, that he should quit, because he loves me. It might sound unreasonable, but he claims that he's not addicted, so if he's not addicted, he should be able to give it up easily.

And I always kept that feeling in my heart ''He's doing it, but if he loves me, he'll quit.'' I know I must've voiced it out too.

And he never did. 

So I automatically assumed that he didn't love me as much as I thought he did, as strongly enough.

And THAT was the breaking point in our relationship.

See where all the distrust comes from now?

Inside of me, it feels like this crazy kid running inside. I have so much to say, and I need all this to be justified. Only time will stop this haywire feeling. My mind keeps on saying ''But you've said it before, why didn't he stop then? Oh shit, that's all it had to take? I thought it was pretty obvious that that's what all my crying sessions meant!''

On the bright side, he has decided to quit :) That's good, right? I'm not letting my heart swell up too much, it's learned enough now, to not expect quickly. I will believe it when he finally has quit. He told me he's on something lighter now, and he doesn't smoke as much anymore, and he's really trying. Well, I hope for his sake as much as mine, that he really does pull through this time.

It's still in my head. That's all I had to say. I'm sure I've said it before too, but that's seriously all I had to say, and he would've quit. I wouldn't have to go through this desensitizing, emotional detachment phase, I wouldn't have t hate every person who smoked and walked past me. I could've been saved heartache and heartbreak and pain. I could've. I know I've said it, for Christ's sake. He just didn't hear it, he must've had his thoughts elsewhere.

So,yeah.

Today marks the third day of my week long vacation.

And I've already begun studying,lol.

I have to! The Biochem test is gonna be huge. :O Like, a lot of chapters, a lot of reading a lot of memorizing.

I've been feeling kind of cranky about H not being there when I need him.

When the whole ''brother breaking my trust'' thing happened, I texted him about it, and apparently he couldn't find time to call me that night or talk to me about it. The next day when I was acting semi neutral, he said to me ''It's not only you who has problems all the time. I have serious issues going on myself.''

He's been telling me that for the past year and a half. Whenever I bring up MY problems, MY emotions, MY feelings, he brings up his problems too, as if they're bigger than mine. As if they're always bigger than mine.

I raged. And told him exactly what happened with my brother. And he didn't reply. Not that I expected him to. I understood that he either got busy, or simply didn't know what to say.

He texted last night saying ''Can we talk tonight darling? I'm sorry about earlier today.''

It made me feel a bit better, but dammit, how many times is this going to happen? I'm serious. I'm just so sick and tired of it all, I don't want to put it effort, I don't want to work at it, it just seems too hard now.

We talked. And we came around the topic of smoking. And right now, I really don't know how to go about this. As we were talking about it the night before, my mind sort of dulled it out, but now as I'm writing it, the pain is sharp. It's just too hard to believe him when he says he'll quit. Or when he says anything for that matter. It's not that I don't trust him to be faithful to me, I do. The distrust I have in him is a completely different kind of trust.

I don't trust him to be there. I don't trust him to make an effort in this relationship. I don't trust him to care for me when I cry, or hold me and say everything is going to be okay.

He's like a friend that I'm pretending to be in a relationship with. Could life really change him that much, where he doesn't know how to handle this anymore? How come I still know how to, after gong through a whole yer and a half preparing to get into medicine, one of the toughest career paths out there? How come I still find time for him? I still don't understand.

He told me last night that he swears to God that he is smoking something lighter now, and that he will eventually quit.

I swear, there is no hope blooming in my heart, and no hopes rising either. I just listened. And that's it.

I told him before there were two ways I was going to let him smoke again.

1)I would do it too.

2) I wouldn't care anymore.

I still let him smoke again, and unconsciously, I think the second option happened. I've made myself become indifferent to it so that I wouldn't put myself through all that pain. I actually started to believe that he didn't do it, because we never talked about it. Complete denial, I know. He's saying that if I tell him to stop now, he would. But what good would it do? Knowing I forced him into it. No. He'll stop when he wants to, when he can. And if he doesn't...well, I don't know how I'll live with that.

''If you want to make it up to me, bring it back. The surprises, the meetings, the gifts, the love, the tears, the passion...most of all, the time. Because you took all this away. And this is all that I loved. And you replaced it with work, logic, college, no time, different priorities, lack of tolerance, anger. This will bring my trust back in you. I didn't want to tell you, because I wanted you to figure it out.''

Let's move on, to some other aspects. I don't like getting drudged down by one topic.

Desperate Housewives Season 7! :D I've been watching this show religiously since Season 2, hehe. I love t, seriously. And today I watched it's second episode, and it hasn't failed to disappoint :D very glad about that.

It's kinda late, and I wanna get an early start on tomorrow :) Bye bye.