Adequacy.

I feel like I'm struggling.

I don't know what's wrong. It's not H. It's not home life. Thankfully, both of these aspects are stable and okay. For the past week now, I've been feeling like everything is out of my hands, out of my control. I make a to-do list in my head every day, get most of the things done, and STILL don't feel accomplished. Or any sense of achievement. Like I used to. I feel like something's missing. I'm dying to make myself feel satisfied in some way, to bring my life under control, to eliminate uncertainty. I wish I could pinpoint and say "Yes, this is the problem, now let's think of a solution" but I can't.

Because I DON'T KNOW.

I learned something today though. You think you can trust someone, and in the end, you find out you can't. It's as simple as that. I want to stop feeling paranoid about everything, about watching my back, about wondering what other people think of me. I know I haven't done anything wrong, and most importantly, I'm not a bad person. So if people still want to talk, they can. I just need to learn to stop caring about that. Been texting Kt and H continuously about these matters. Even confided into another friend, someone I couldn't confide in before but now I think I can. And felt more than better. Relieved. I need to vent more than anything. And have somebody to talk to. And then it comes back to the same question: Who to trust?

This Spring break, I'm going to find out what is going on. I need to. One whole week off, to study properly, fully rest up, and get summer shopping and stuff started. Hopefully, everything else in my life remains normal and balanced enough for me to ponder on what this is all about, and what's going on.