In the window.

I really did not feel like writing a blog post. I feel like just staying quiet forever. But I'm dredging myself to do this so I can atleast know a semblance of what I'm feeling.
I have my stage on Monday, and today is Saturday. I'm up to date with my studying, I just hope that I don't forget everything, and it will go well inshAllah. :) I will start study after I finish up this post.
Me and H are fighting. But it is so valid from my side, that I am quiet and just waiting. If you've been keeping up with my blog, you'll know I went through a sort of ''detachment'' phase concerning him, and it ended when he asked me to come out of it, and start relying on him and depending on him again. After thinking about it really deeply, I decided to give it all-my old self and my old way of looking at the relationship- one more chance. I wanted to anyways. I went back to normal, everything did. I told him I wouldn't hide from him anymore, and I would discuss everything I could. Because before that I had been hiding how I felt, barely talking about it, trying to be strong, and I wanted to be a little dependent on him too. But on Monday night, we were talking about how he has to go to America this summer, and stay for awhile, and it just got me sad thinking about it, and when I told him I was sad, he started this semi lecture about how I should be strong and it'll be okay, I just don't have to think about it. His attitude towards it all shocked me, and I told him so. It was like he didn't even care about leaving his country and his family, and he was expecting me to be better in an instant by saying all that. How would I feel better by him saying ''It's not like we meet a lot anyways, so just don't think I'm in another country, just think that we're not meeting, as usual.'' We ended the call, and I was really angry, and that anger stemmed from hurt. 
Tuesday: He texted me in the morning, asking me why I was hurt. I replied back exactly why I was...and he ignored that and later texted me saying something else. Okay.
We didn't talk that night. The next day, in the evening, I texted him two long texts telling him that I was atleast waiting for his reply to my text, because I wanted his take on things, what his response was. 
He never replied to that either. And we didn't talk that night on the phone.
The next day, Thursday, he texted me in the morning asking me why I didn't call or text him last night, and the whole day, he STILL didn't mention the texts I sent him. It was like he was deliberately ignoring me. 
Friday, we talked on chat for awhile while he was at work, and I mentioned the whole thing to him again, and he didn't reply to that. When I asked him if he was deliberately ignoring me, he wrote ''yup, we'll talk about it tonight.'' At this point, I was frustrated and annoyed beyond control. First you tell me to tell you everything, and then you back out like this? And so what if I'm a little emotional, so what if I take some things seriously and you don't? Does that mean that you have to treat me like it's wrong to be hurt or to want to discuss what was wrong? I sent him two further long texts telling him that what I thought he was doing was stupid, and just because it meant shit to him doesn't mean you're supposed to treat me like it too.
He didn't reply to it. And asked to call last night. And we didn't even talk about it.
So you can imagine my annoyance right now. More like irritation. I just can't BELIEVE him right now. It just...it's not just anger, it's extreme hurt, like how could he intentionally ignore something that I say? I know I'm coming off as a little bit emotional, but you have to remember that I didn't want to be, he told me that I could rely on him and come to him for these things. And one more thing. Even if I am a tad bit more emotional than other people, so what? With the world, fuck it you know, be whoever you want. Be the strongest toughest son of a bitch they've seen. But you shouldn't have to be that way with the ones you love. You're SUPPOSED to rely on them, and need them, and want them, and tell them your problems and show them your true feelings. At the end of the day, whether you're coming home to your parents or you're coming home to your husband/wife, you're coming home to family, and family should always be like a sanctuary after a hard day. And I thought that's how I was with him, or that's how we were with each other. I wanted it to be like that 8 months ago, but when I saw how drastically his life was changing for him, how he could barely find time for anything else, not even to think, and I didn't want to be left behind in that emotional pool of ''but this is how we used to be'', and things like that. I toughened myself up, not because I wanted to, but because I needed to. If I didn't, I would've been stuck with the same hopes and dreams that I had for each other.
I became more practical and realized that there were going to be those days or months where I couldn't see him, or meet him, or talk to him. But I am NOT going to change my nature. I like who I am, I like being sensitive and compassionate, and I don't want anyone telling me that I have to learn, or I have to understand. I know Haider's like isn't going great, he's still busy, but do you know what he makes me feel like? Like a child. Like I'm just some kid who doesn't understand anything. 
Today is Saturday. We texted a little bit around 2pm, and his texts were very bland, and I basically asked why his mood was off. He told me it wasn't, he only had a slight flu. I then texted him saying.


''You're the one who created this distance by not addressing matters immediately and not thinking it's a big deal when something is wrong with me. You're the one who ignored what I was saying, for whatever reasons, and didn't reply. You didn't talk about it last night. Now finally when I'm telling you what to do, you won't. I'll keep on trying  to bridge this gap you've made, but I can't if you keep trying to push away. I have no idea what you think you'll achieve by ignoring it. If anything, it's only making me angrier. That you really don't care. Or else what am I supposed to think?''


I then preceded to tell him that if he didn't reply to this text, so help me, I didn't know what I would do or think. He didn't reply for about 30 minutes, and I simply wrote ''Seriously? Okay. That's all.'' He replied 15 minutes after that saying:


I can't deal with you. Honestly. You have unbelievable mood swings. You're trapped in your own fantasy of a world. You've no idea how much people behave themselves and control and bear when you've to make someone happy.''


I did not reply after that. The message he sent was severe enough that I don't want to reply. He has no idea how much I've controlled and bore. He always emphasises on himself and his life and his difficulties, without stopping to think about me and my life and my difficulties.
I'm not replying. I'm not hurt. I'm furious. And now I don't want to talk about it anymore nor do I want to talk about him. I have a lot going on in my life already at the moment:


1. We are still in deep financial trouble, a lot of it. Dad did not have anything saved up, and it hurts me so much to come downstairs and see my dad still sitting there, because he has nowhere to go. He's a contractor, he doesn't have an office, he spends all day going to different sites and stores for sanitary, marble, etc. I want to get so much done, but I can't, I don't have the heart to ask my parents for money. 


2. My mom is ill, her foot hurts her every day, and we are waiting for my sister to come back so that she ca have her surgery and be put on bed rest for about 2 weeks. 


3. Kt's not back :( I miss her, the house seems so dull without her, seriously. She'll be here by this Friday inshAllah. I'm sure she's anxiously waiting for that day too.


A friend suggested this video to me, it's an amazing talk about Death in Islam, and even though my eyes were already open to the idea of death, this just cemented it:

Oh, and


4. I know exactly what to do to make myself a better Muslim, by praying, reading the Quran, changing my habits...but I won't. I wake up, and am depressed all day. I need to take an active part in making myself a better person. I'm going to go pray and then start study for my stage. 


I keep on limiting my life to just H and the things that hurt me about him, and if we fight, I become depressed for myself the whole time. I need to snap out of that and realize that there is a bigger world out there, a bigger picture, bigger options, and that he is only a part. For now atleast, I need to be away from him, because I am not going to back down from this fight, and nor am I going to talk to him. He needs to see things from my view too, not just his own, and if we end up going back to the way things were by tomorrow, I will feel indubitably weak and vulnerable and used and abused, and I don't want that. I have a vice, and I'm going to use it. I'm going to tell him everything, exactly how it is, no exaggeration. This is my life, and as long as I'm in this world, I'm going to control it.