The inertia I had to bring myself to type in the web domain, is hard to put into words. But I'm here. Disassociated, but here. Adults should be given how-to manuals. How to feel alive and continue to enjoy things while being inundated with the weekly groceries, the monthly bills, the annual car inspections that you swear you just did.
It's a merry go round and I want to get off.
Emotional self preservation became disassociation and of course, I didn't feel it happen. It was a slow day to day thing. The people I met in residency and fellowship always spoke about being "jaded" as something to be proud about; it sort of felt like high school again. Cliques, needing to feel like you belong somewhere. I've always been a people pleaser, and the moment I started setting boundaries, I felt everyone's anger; it was disconcerting and an uncomfortable feeling.
But anyway. Everything I'm talking about above, I've decided to get off the merry go round and also actively slow it down. I will call this era of my life "Reclaimance." I only learnt just now that this is not a word, but it sounds like one, so I will use it. It's a nice word and it has a heavy feeling of "hope is not lost on you."
Infertility is the test I always dreaded, and it's here, and it's everything I have feared. From tests, to very violating ultrasounds every week, to the rise of joy and anticipation and the deeeeeep fall of despair. And the question of: when? Will it even happen? Me and husband are starting our third round in 2 weeks, and I am afraid to be hopeful, but I should be. We're always told that we should protect our heart; but where did that get me? Back to disassociation. I need to let myself feel emotions. When A was pregnant, I would ask her when the due date was; she was protecting her heart too. We had both lost children. Oh my goodness, we miscarried within days of each other. Her husband said "now that's a true best friend." It sounds so morbid but will I be hated if I say...comforting? Because I wasn't alone. And now I feel alone.
I hate when my phone lights up with a useless notification from NextDoor. I need to go through the "Allow Notifications" part of my phone and switch 99% of them off.
I'm now a fully accredited physician with an outpatient practice 4.5 days a week...and I am feel like I am going nowhere fast. After 15 years, since 11- O Levels at LGS, through FSc and medical college, and residency and fellowship, I've attained the goal. I am here. Where do I go now? Do I somehow need to get permission to start living life?
In the thirsty acquisitions of experiences, careers, relationships, how often do you step back and simply ask "where exactly am I heading if I continue down this path? And to what extent does that align with my values and dreams?"
I cry to Noah Kahan and it is the release I need.
Mama and Baba are old and while I am truly so grateful to help take care of them, I still feel like a child inside and I want to be taken care of.
Husband always asks me where my favorite place is and at other times, when am I at my happiest, and my answer has always be the same: when I am around the people closest to my heart who feel the most genuine to me and who I can bleed fully in front of.
I think that's it for now. Pray the inertia goes away and I blog more often. I feel like I've chipped off one section of bark from the tree.
And anything you need, I will provide
A ride home or an alibi,
I know the traffic light you can speed right by
Cause the camera's down
And I follow New York plates to the county line
I ignore 'em when they wave on 89
The minute that September hits
I'm going off my medicine, oh
Late August angst and a pointless night,
Oh, and the feeling of being alive
For the first time in a long time
