Detachment.

So last night was horrible. Seriously.

I went to  bed right after writing my last blog post, and had the worst sleep ever. What happened to me...I don't know what you would call it. I was very tired, but everytime I would begin to drift off, my heart would start beating more rapidly and I would be jolted awake. I kinda felt like I was cheating death. This happened 6 times. I am not saying all this for attention. This is real.

It was the most terrifying night of my life. And I wish somebody was there to talk to me, but even H had fallen asleep and we couldn't talk that night. I desperately wanted to talk to him, talk to anybody, and not sleep.

I'm not ready to die yet. I know I'm not. I haven't been a good Muslim, and the part that depresses me the most is that I'm not even trying to be a better one anyway. I'm very embarrassed about that whole situation, so let's just leave it at that.

I went to sleep at around 4am, and when I woke at 6am, even though I was wide awake, I was in no mood to attend college. Fortunately, my mom agreed, and let me sleep the morning in. I thought that I would study for the Physio test better this way, because it was supposed to be the next day. I got the very great news that tomorrow is a holiday! Yay! Which means that the Physiology test and viva have been postponed till Monday :D That gives me two whole days to get everything done and revised, when I really only needed one more day. Wow. Alhamdulillah. Seriously. It is like everything I needed, because whenever a test is coming up, it is always at the forefront of my worries.

I got out of bed at at 2pm, wondering if I should even go to the party or not. In the end, I decided to go because I was feeling really limited and bound at home, and I needed to get out. Unfortunately, the whole party plan was a complete

FAIL.

I was supposed to be there by 3:30 max. I reached at 4. They had all finished eating by then and were getting ready to leave. Even the surprise I was supposed to give Ra (the friend whose birthday it was, and the surprise was of course, my presence) was lukewarm. I didn't eat anything, there was no cake (worst part) and I just walked around and talked to random people. I met R again, second meeting. He's still a cool guy :D I also met a friend of Ra's who is only 20 and she got married. With a guy who is only 22. And they're both in the middle of finishing their degrees.

Though it sounds completely unorthodox and slightly crazy, I admire them for it. Because I know that privately, everybody in a relationship wants the same thing. A marriage as soon as possible. It's the ultimate dream for couples.

Yes, for me too. 

I've always thought about it, even more ever since I heard of that friend getting married. And you know what, the main reason they got married was because they were fighting like mad. He loved her so much that he didn't want her to leave him, so he just said ''Let's get married.''

A nice way to make up after making a mistake no? This proposal should replace sorrys, flowers,cards, and surprise dates. Just ''Let's get married.'' They're happily married now, and her husband came to pick her up. One thing that really caught me off guard about her is the fact that she...smokes. I found out because of the cigarette in her hand, and only noticed when Ali took it out and asked ''What is this?'' Later I asked Ra if Ali minded and he said ''No, he actually likes that about her.'' 

:/

You know me, if you've read my previous blog posts. I'm really against smoking. I always knew it was common among men, but now women too. Whoa. Later when me and my brother were going home, we saw a girl in a car on the passenger seat, and she was puffing away too. Seriously, was this a coincidence or was Allah trying to tell me something? Lol.

After the whole party scene, I called H up, totally randomly, and asked him if he would come pick me and my brother up from MM Alam. Surprisingly, he said yes (I am completely trained to expect a no, and I was already thinking of other options to go home by). Strangely, I wasn't super happy by his coming. I've been like that nowadays, ever since I've been ill. Very...non-living. I'm breathing, but I'm not living my life to the fullest, to the way I should be. I hope dearly to God that this is just a phase, and I'll go back to my crazy-about-everything self. I used to get so excited for all these small things, like meeting H, and planning what to wear at a party. For me, time stood still and millions of scenarios would run through my mind about how things would start, be and end. Especially the meeting with H, those were really special. :) Planning every little thing to every little detail. And now we were in the car and we barely talked. It could aslo be due to the fact that my brother was there, in the back street, hawking us down. Or also because I was slightly annoyed at him for not worrying about the 3am text I sent him telling him I was having panic attacks (he didn't once reply to those texts, or mention them :l) 

Yeah, it was definitely a combination of both. It wasn't me. 

So when I came home, I started to feel tired again, and I remembered that I absolutely HAD to go to the doctor today. So I told my dad, and we went. We waited in the waiting rom for about 40 minutes. While we were waiting, I went to go get my blood pressure measured. This was the result:

This is low. Normal is 120/80, and I had 80/60. And this is after eating something. When I told the doctor everything, his verdict was that I had an iron deficiency. Not blood deficiency, my blood count was normal. But my body lacked iron. Oh, and vitamin D. He suggested I get two tests done, an iron test and a 25 Dihdydroxy D3 test. So I did. The results will be here tomorrow night. Only after that the doctor will prescribe the proper medicine. 

A boo boo from the injection :(

And of course, he also gave me instructions. Three meals a day (which I am definitely not used to. I just eat whenever I can) and food rich in protein. I really need to start organizing my life. I am a major believer in schedules being everything, because time means a lot to me. It is extremely precious, and one of the things that can freak me out is running out of time. And yet...I have no schedule for prayer, or eating. :S I feel very weird now. Believe me, I want to pray. I want my life to be back in order. And I know that besides anything else, prayer can do that. So I have to start focusing on that. Any suggestions on a schedule?

Now, I'm at home, and relaxed. After this, I'm going to go around the house and clean up a little bit. I like to clean randomly, it makes me feel good inside. Lol. And I truly do feel better, thanks for all your wishes! Pray that the tests come out alright, and I will be completed cured inshAllah.

The weekend begins!