Exhale.

I love today.
I love today because the stage is finally over. 
And not just that...my viva is not till the 17th, so I literally have today to just relax and breathe, and it feels so good. :)
Okay, so today was the stage. The day itself was weird, but if there was one thing I liked, it's that I was really fresh when I woke up. I guess the three days at home really suited me. I woke up bright and alert, wore a random pair of jeans and a pink shirt, and for the first time since I began med college, I didn't wear a sweater. And good thing too, because in the afternoon, it became so hot, almost unbearable. We actually turned on the fans in the lecture hall.
So the first class was Physiology tutorial, in which I didn't study a single word, nobody did. We all just sat for 2 hours and prepared for our stage. I had already done everything, I was just revising it one more time. Then after that we had a Physio lecture in the lecture hall. I was the first one to enter the lecture hall today, and seeing it empty, I took a few pictures.

 

The girl sitting there is a friend, who came in with me. I have really mixed feelings towards her, she's a cool person to talk to occasionally, but I don't like hanging out with her because...well...she parties too much and doesn't care about her studies at all. I don't want to sound like a nerd, because even I am not crazy about studying all the time, but she literally doesn't even bring a bag to college. Now that is weird. She just brings her Blackberry and herself. And she has honestly told me that she doesn't pay attention in lectures and will pay attention at the end of the year when the Professionals come around. Well, okay, whatever suits her. 
I did not pay attention to the Physio lecture either, even though I should've because the teacher teaches it so well, and this chapter already seems very confusing; it's about muscular contraction. I'm so amazed to see that it's only been 2 months since we've been here and we're already done with one limb out of three parts of the body that we have to do for Anatomy.  At this rate, we'll be done with Anatomy in 6 months, and that is just in time for the Professionals. Physiology is also going really fast, we're getting through with the chapters in a blur. It's hard to believe that last month was Valentine's Day, as I can remember exactly what happened that day as if it was yesterday, thought that day sucked for me this year.
Then, the stage. I was really nervous, and I forgot to do Du'a for my paper,and it just began. The MCQ's were really tough, I am assuming that I only got 19 or 20 or 21 right out of 40, so that's barely passing. After that was the Short Essay Questions (SEQ's) which weren't tough, but there were some things I was getting confused at. My mind was not recalling things fast enough for me to write everything I could on one topic. There were two parts I didn't attempt, one I didn't know at all, and the other was a stupid silly mistake of my own. If I had studied better or paid more attention, I would've gotten better marks. But the thing is, in all honesty, I really did understand everything about this limb,it wasn't just rote or textbook learning, and inshAllah, it will stay in my head and help in learning the new limb, which is the Upper Limb, and that'll begin on Monday.
Academically, there are still tests coming up. My Biochem viva has been postponed because of it being on Pakistan Day (23rd March) so what I have after that is the Physiology test which is on the 26th of March. Then my first substage of the upper limb on 30th March,and then spring break from April 1-8th, and then Histology test on April 16th, and Histology spotting the week after that. I sort of like that they're keeping us busy with all these things, because it takes up my time. I'm definitely one of those people who gets unbidden thoughts in her head when she's left alone for too long. This point was proven when I had 9 months to myself when I was repeating the MCAT in 2010. My idle mind is the devil's home, not just the workshop. Lol.
So I'm really happy that the stage is out of the way, and today I will intentionally not study a single word so that I can just relax and not think too deeply or worry about anything. I am normally asleep around this time, in my nap, but today I am awake and blogging. Lol.
Financial situation hasn't improved at all. And it's taking a really severe toll on me. I don't think it's more about the money, but more about the fact that both my parents are so down when they tell us ''We can't buy it, because we're low on money.'' It's gotten so extreme that..we haven't paid our electricity bill, and the guy keeps coming to threaten us that he'll cut our meter. I feel so poor, and I know in reality, I am not. We have always been well off, this is just some unlucky timing, because there are a few clients of my dad's who aren't paying up, simply. Seeing my dad sit at home all the time, and smoke up so many cigarettes because he's tense, breaks my heart. Anyone reading this post, please do pray for me and my family, and pray that Dad gets more contracts and the men who owes him money will pay him back soon. From one Muslim to another :)
Me and H are basically alright now. I mean it when I say ''basically'', because internally I'm not satisfied totally, but hey, sometimes you gotta give. After I wrote the previous blog post, he texted me at 9:45pm, all nonchalant, saying ''I'm at Makro, what are you doing?'' and I didn't reply back. I didn't want to, I was still so furious by what he texted me, because none of what he wrote was true. I am NOT living in a fantasy world, and he doesn't know how hard I've tried to stay happy just for the sake of others. He's just assuming that I'm being a spoiled brat because I can and I have nothing hard to deal with in this life. I didn't plan on talking to him at night either, truly. I studied how much I was supposed to study, and by 2am, I was asleep. Then, out of nowhere at 2:20am, I was getting a call from him. I guess he understood that I wasn't ready to talk to him just yet, and even while the phone was ringing, I was debating whether to pick it up or not. I did. We talked. Rather, I yelled and raged, while he listened. The conversation stated out innocently enough, just talking about or days, when I broke through the silence and said ''You know, I can't pretend like everything is normal when it really isn't'', and he said ''Yeah, I know, let's talk about it'', and that fired me up immediately. So it didn't matter enough to him that he was going to mention it himself? Anyways, not going into messy details, I told him everything I was feeling, and he told me that right now he feels like his life is severely messed up, and when I asked him what he was thinking at one point, he said ''I'm thinking about what I should make as my priority. Because to tell you the truth, I don't have any priorities right now.'' So, we ended the call then. 
Then, the next call was last night. We talked for a little while, mainly because he was so tired, but it was a pretty successful conversation. Right after the ''fight'' mode, I kind of go back to being friends with him for awhile, because he seriously does hurt me at times, and I don't just jump back to being all lovey dovey again. It needs to build up to that, and starting at a friendship level is the best way. And it's a normal mechanism I use. I know it truly sounds like H is a horrible person, but you must remember, this is my blog and therefore, my side of the story. You haven't heard his. His life is pretty crazy too, and no matter what has happened, no matter how angry he's gotten, he's never once bailed out on me. And even in the angriest of fights, he doesn't fail to mention about ''our'' life. So, yeah. It's all good. Fights happen, drama is almost mandatory. But if you really want something, or really care about that person to a huge extent, you'll still find some way to end up staying with them.
I have become seriously addicted to Blogger after I found so many people from Pakistan who blog! I think it is so cool, and some of them are medical students just like me! That is awesome. Although, it is also making me feel a bit paranoid about how much information I choose to reveal on here. I still haven't decided on what to do. I am now actually starting to freak out that people I know, and I dislike or don't want to read this,  could be reading this blog. If someone from my relatives find this blog...I'm doomed. But I need this blog too, I need it to vent and to explain and to express. Any suggestions please on what I should do? 
Okay, I did a few things. I changed my country, and my name. This will allow people to ''randomly'' stumble upon my blog and choose to read it if they wish to, but it does not allow free access to every Pakistani who wants to read my blog. For all I know, one of those Pakistanis could know me through a mutual friend. It's a small world out there, and I share a lot of personal things on my blog. Thank you Furree Katt for making me realize that I need privacy! Lol.
Today is for relaxing. Yay :D