Aaaand, today was an even BETTER day than yesterday! (health wise). I love it when prescriptions and courses work out. It puts more faith in the profession I've adopted. And it's cool to know that I'll be knowing how to do all of this one day :)
Today is Sunday night, and the last night of peace I will have till the 1st of April (Spring break for a week!) Tomorrow is my Physio viva and written test, and I've revised half the course, and don't have the strength to do half more. But I feel satisfied that I'll be able to attempt the paper with confidence. :) Physiology isn't hard, but the book is really...weird. Guyton and Hall. It just starts a paragraph like it's talking to you, and then it gets to the point about halfway in. I don't like that for some reason. :/
I've been (as usual) death conscious nowadays. I won't even life my life properly because I'm afraid I'm going to snuff it any second. It's so hard to sleep at night sometimes, because I'm alone with my thoughts, and I'm always thinking ''the moment I drift off, I'm gone, Allah will take me.''
I'm so scared of death. And more than death, I've finally begun feeling like this life is not as permanent as it feels. I have a home, and a family, and college, and a proper life, but it can be taken away just like THAT. And that is really scary to know and feel. I've been a massive sinner, and I know it. One of the major sins that I've committed and I am committing is being with H. In the beginning it all felt so right, so proper. And I used to justify myself by saying that when we get married, the sin of being together before marriage would be forgiven.
But what about if I die, or he dies before we get married? We have to face our sins. We will be punished. And one more thing. No matter how much I justify myself, I shouldn't, and I can't. Because every rule that Allah has ordained on us has a reason. There is a reason for why women have to cover themselves (though I don't wear a burqa, I do normally cover myself with a dupatta on my head when I go outside) a reason for why men have some more rights over us (and me, being a feminist, still saying that ,means I really do have a strong defense. Trust me.) So of course, there must be a reason for why Allah has said that relationships before marriage aren't allowed.
We hear of all these people dying everyday, in blasts, or in accidents, or just recently, the Japan tsunami/earthquake. It never affects us until someone close to us dies. And then you realize how easy it is, that Allah can just take us, without warning, without preparation. Everyone has to go into the grave. The thought scares me so bad. I have all of my grandparents gone, my mother's two brothers, and just recently, my best friend's mother. They're gone, and their bodies are soon to be no more. They're covered in dirt, and their wordly affairs are unimportant now.
I shudder to think that one day I will join them.
I know why I'm scared. I'm scared because I don't think I've been a good enough Muslim to enjoy Paradise. And it's such a continuous depression in my head. If I die now, tomorrow, next week, next year, before I've had a chance to redeem and to understand and fully grasp the concept of Islam...I will be punished.
Any day could be too late. Any prayer could be your last.
I really needed to get all that out because that's all that I think about nowadays. And I want to be a better Muslim more than anything. But it's like the old adage goes. I don't want to change my lifestyle.
And then that REALLY makes me think:
I can't change my lifestyle for the same being who has created me, and given me everything I have ever needed?
Wow. I really need to get my bearings in perspective.
Also, another thing that's been bothering me. I strongly do believe in my religion , and believe Islam is right. But maybe because I've been looking into it too deeply, but sometimes there's one thought that scares me more than the rest:
What is there's nothing after death?
It sounds almost sacrilegous to even say it, I know. Islam clearly tells us that there is going to be a Judgment Day, and division of the people into Paradise or Hell. But...what if what we think, it doesn't really happen?
I'm a person who literally needs to know EVERYTHING. Not like, I need to know people's secrets, but I need background information on everything. I love history, to know what happened before, what's happening now. I need proof of everything, even love (just ask H lol) So I know where this thought is coming from. It's coming from my deep rooted insecurity that I do not know, nor does anyone else know, what happens after a person dies. And THAT,is where faith comes in. Blind faith, that what you've read, is what you believe.
I think I need to spend more time reading the Quran. Yeah.
I would really like to know your thoughts on this, especially if you're a Muslim. Clarity would mean a lot to me :)
Overall, my weekend has been pretty good. :) Alhamdulillah. Now the week begins, with no official holidays in between (last week had TWO...amazing) Have a great week everyone! May Allah bless all of you. :)
4 comments:
Salaam =)
Interesting thoughts. Well, in regard to belief in Islam and the concept of afterlife (an obligatory tenant in our religion), there's a few positions one could take.
a) Allah exists & Islam is 100% true.
b) God exists but I have doubts about which religion is true.
In regard to the above two, in reading the Qur'an and comparing Islam with other world religions, there's no doubt that Islam is the beautiful way of life we were commanded by Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to follow. Out of the three major and similar monotheistic religions, Islam makes the most sense. Judaism does not believe that Isa (peace be upon him) was a messenger of Allah, which is again, a tenant of faith in Islam, and upon the reading of the Torah you will find has a a number distorted views that are a result of its change over time. Christianity doesn't make sense. The Bible is extremely contradictory (for example the story of creation in both chapters Genesis has different accounts), not to mention in reality it isn't a monotheistic religion due to the concept of Trinity, stating that Allah (na'othobillah) has a son in the form of Jesus (peace be upon him). The most confusing part being that Jesus (peace be upon him) is supposed to be God too. I remember a convert remarking that he once asked himself, if I'm praying to Jesus, then who was Jesus praying to?
Then of course you're left with Hinduism, Buddhism, Confucianism, and other "spiritual" religions but none that really explain our life on this earth.
Let's move onto the third possibility:
c) There is no God (na'othubillah), and therefore no Hereafter.
This is rationally just not true for a number of reasons, and since you're a science person (I'm not but ironically I love how science and Islam are so compatible, lol), I can explain the scientific perspective on this briefly. I'll add that in another comment since I think Blogger is going to ask me to cut my comment short.
I'm so very sorry for this unbelievably lengthy comment by the way!
The last concept, is Atheism, and Atheism is based on the belief that there's no Creator and life on earth came into being due to the theory of evolution/Darwinism.
This means there's no accountability for any of our actions, except for those that take place in this world. All punishments are man made laws (i.e. if you murder someone you go to jail). This also means that there's little or no external consequence for actions such as smoking, drinking, pornography, fornication (zina), and various other social ills that plague society.
But the science that this theory depends upon demonstrates that in reality it has no merit. Over the course of time a number lab experiments and calculations have determined that amino acids, the components from which all life arises, can't be formed by chance under primitive and uncontrolled circumstances. The cell, which according to evolution emerged by chance, hasn't even been able to be synthesized in the most sophisticated or high tech laboratories! And it's not only the cell, but even the thousands of complex protein molecules that make up the cell.
Example: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/4702336.stm
The simplest protein, as you probably know is composed of 50 amino acids, but there are some that are composed of thousands. The absence of even a single addition or replacement causes the structure of a protein to become useless. Here's a quote from a self-proclaimed evolutionist Professor Ali Demirsoy who said,
"...the probability of the random formation of a protein and nucleic acid (DNA-RNA) is inconceivably small. The chances against this emergence of even a particular protein chain are astronomic."
(Source: The book Inheritance and Evolution)
Another point against the theory of evolution is the lack of evidence in the fossil record. According to evolution, all living things descended from various "ancestral" forms, a living species that existed before gradually turned into another species, this transition supposedly took place slowly over hundreds of millions of years. This being the case, there should be countless numbers of "intermediate forms" (for example something like a half-fish/half-bird like creature) that emerged and lived over the process of transition, and they must have been fossilized, right? If these species really did exist then they should number in the millions, or billions and copious traces of them should be found in the fossil record.
The question is, where are they? They haven't been found because they don't exist.
All in all, there's too much evidence that works against Atheism. This is why we know that for all the negative that happened on earth and wasn't dealt with, there will be consequences.
I actually wrote a post on all this a while back:
http://serenityinislam.blogspot.com/2010/05/watching-sunset.html
Sara i must say i am very impressed.
Wafa, as far as what to do about this situation, i know you realize the importance of getting back on track when it comes to practicing our religion and since you're going through this unstable phase im sure religion is on your mind a lot or atleast it should be. just like you did reading namaaz when you saw the time and got up right away to read it do it every time right then and there without being like ill do it after this or that cuz theres a huge possibility of forgetting which might as well be attributed to shataan taking over so dont let it happen.
switching gears now... the death thoughts are creepy. its something everybody thinks about but waves away cuz its frightening to get into detail about it. and i dont like the fact that usually when you think too much about it, it leads to questioning afterlife... been there done that n i dont like it when i question something so deeply entrenched in me.
im loving the fact that this topic make way such great discussions
WOW Sara I am extremely grateful to you for sharing all that. I can honestly tell you it eased my mind.
I think the reason for why it all scares me is that it's so overwhelming. To me, the idea of hw scary death sounds, terrifies me. But recently, I've been able to think about it and not freak out. I don't know if I shared this in my blog, but my thoughts became so strong that I couldn't sleep at night. Everytime I would drift off, something in my mind would tell me that this was my last night, and my heart would start beating rapidly, and I would wake up again. It was half like I was trying to cheat death.
I don't want to die. I know it makes me sound materialistic, but I'm so afraid of what's after death. The punishment. A part of me is glad I'm afraid, because that does not only mean that I'll work harder to be a better Muslim, but it also means that I do believe that there is an afterlife.
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