Looking at it differently.

I finally realize how much this blog means to me. If something happens in my life that seems too hard to bear, or I have a lot of thoughts on it, I think of this. It has nothing to do with me showing off my emotions or anything like that. It's...I've recently realized that I express better when I write. My hands literally fly over the keys, and I feel such a flow of energy from it. I even start talking out loud about what I'm going to write, and sometimes I type so fast, and my mind cannot keep up with my typing and I skip a few words! I really have a mega fast thought process. But I like it that way.

This blog is for nobody but me. If you choose to read it, you're more than welcome, but the only posts that I post for the world are my ''opinion'' posts. Otherwise, I write in here to calm myself down, to release any paranoia, or anger, or just to see how I really fee. By writing things out, I begin to discover how I truly feel in certain situations and what I'd like to change and how it's important to me. I'm an extremely analytical person, I'll even analyze something that literally has no meaning at all, but I will find a meaning. I feel like everything in this world should have a meaning, a purpose. After all, what else are we here for if there was no Hereafter? Everything has a meaning, and it's up to us to find them. In the same way, every human has a meaning, but it's up to that person to define and enhance themselves to make them more meaningful and remembered, or to degrade and weather themselves until we don't know what we mean. It's up to you.

It might sound like something routine, but I have some really really sad news. In my post Too deep, I mentioned my friend's mother who had a heart attack and went into a coma. After the first inital shock, she was getting better and better each day, and I didn't let any bad thought cross my mind, because I didn't want to bear anything that might hurt me. Self defense. On Sunday, she even moved her right hand, but she still had not gained consciousness. To me, it was only a matter of time. 

She passed away Monday morning, at 6:15am.

I really cannot explain in words nor in amount what I was feeling. Death is something that has to happen, but just because you accept it doesn't mean you like it. And it wasn't just some routine friend's mom, this was one of my closest's friends mother. I knew Aunty like the back of my hand, and she knew me. She was literally like a second mother. I was sitting at home, about to leave for my bus stop when I got the news. I...was stunned. And in disbelief. And there was another feeling, but I really do not know what name to give it, but it just seemed unbelieving to me. I began to cry, and I told my mother. She told me that the funeral would be later in the day, so it made no sense for me to miss college (she already sensed that I would say that I would skip a day) and so I went. It was honestly one of the weirdest days ever. I heard of so many deaths all the time, but they're all distant relatives, I hear about it, pray Allah forgives them, and move on. I don't have any emotional attachment to them. But Maha's mother...I knew her. And she died so suddenly, and out of nowhere, it just didn't seem to fit, I couldn't digest it, I didn't want to digest it. That day in college was a haze. I don't remember who I texted (except for Maha) I don't remember what I learned. I don't remember who talked to me. I just wanted to go home and get to Maha.

At the funeral, when I entered and I saw the crowd of people, my heart filled with dread. My God, it was true. Maha's mother passed away. I broke through the crowd and saw Maha's older sister, who gestured me to where Maha was, which was right in front of...her mother's body. I never thought her death would affect me as badly as it did, I really didn't. But when I saw the scene, and I saw Maha barely crying, it broke me. I grabbed her, and buried my head in her shoulder, and started crying like a baby. So damn hard. I wanted to cry silently, I didn't want anyone to know, but everytime I drew to take breath, it was a loud shrill. It was too much to take in. Then Maha pulled me back, wiped away her tears, pointed at her mother and said ''Look, I gave her a kiss.'' I peered over, and saw her. And I couldn't imagine her lying there just like that, not moving. Death is so scary, it literally terrifies every bone in my body. All I could imagine was her wearing her glasses and kissing my cheek when I would come over her place. Her coming to sit next to me and Maha and us pushing her out jokingly, telling her we had private stuff to talk about. 

After about 15 minutes, I calmed down, and calmed everyone else down. The fact was beginning to set in all of our minds, and as long as Aunty was right in front of us, I knew everyone felt alright. But when the time came to pick her up and take her...to the grave, everyone went hysterical, as did I. I haven't cried that hard in a very long time. I exhausted myself from crying, I really did. I am going to miss her so much, and ask Allah to forgive her sins in any way I can. She was subconsciously a really big part of my life, and I know that because I am still not over her death. It's been three days, and I still see her face everywhere. I think about her, and my heart is so heavy with missing her. She's gone. And though it wasn't fair, it was written. Allah had to take her away. And to make all of us feel better, (and it's also probably true, since I don't know a single bad thing about her) the good always go first. Please pray for Allah to forgive her sins, for her to rest in peace, and for Allah to give Maha and her family courage, strength, and patience.

I really needed to get all this out, for some closure I believe. I really cannot find any time these days to come online and write a blog post, because I like to bide my time and think about what I'm going to write, and most of the time I also have a lot to write, lol. There is so much more that I want to write about, but I will save it for another day. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night, without taking a nap in the afternoon, I have assignments, tests coming up, notes to buy. Let me get my life in order and I'll get back to you.

Cheers, and always remember that death will come to everyone. So treat everyone respectfully, and make your life count. You never know when it'll be your turn.