Today is Saturday. Lol. I've had a very hectic, confusing two days. Of course,most of it involves H and the whole detachment I'm doing. It's been feeling very weird, I can't explain it in any other way. A part of me is feeling like I should never return back to normal with him, because then he'll start taking me for granted again and then things will go back to normal or barely calling, texting, or making time. But because I gave my blood test yesterday and I got the reports back (I am clear MashAllah, I don't even have anemia, which I was completely expecting) I realized, in my heart, whether out of love or habit, that I really wanted to call him up and tell him. So, fighting my ego, I called him. He was sleeping, but later in the afternoon I called him again at 5:30, and he called back and we talked for about 10 minutes. I told him that even though things are a little rough with me at the moment, I still thought of him as one of my closest friends, and I wanted to share things with him.
This entire thing made me very vulnerable and weak feeling all day, because I did not want things to go back to the horrible way they were, of me not being heard out or appreciated. Because I don't know about anybody reading this, but it hurts like hell. It hurts a lot, very much, to know that you are ready to give this one person your all, your everything, and you do go that extra mile for them occasionally, once in a while, but they either don't notie it or don't care or don't appreciate. There was a quote I heard a while back ''I'm taking my heart back. I hope you notice.'' and I felt that that quote defined me. H is not a cheater, the farthest from it. But sometimes, I feel like he doesn't really notice any difference in the way I act with him. He can't tell if I'm crying over the phone. And I have long since stopped telling him or hinting at him that I am.
So we had an extraordinarily long talk last night, a talk that has left me with a multitude of choices to make. I finally gathered up the courage to tell him that his smoking thing has changed my image of him almost entirely, and made him typical in my eyes. He said that to him, typical meant that a person his age would be enjoying his life, like always going out with friends, and he is taking care of his family and going to work and minimizing outgoings as much as possible. I agreed that while that was true, I felt that he was being typical towards me. Prove your love in the beginning, as hard as you can, then when you think you've made them secure, drop it and do whatever you want. That there is no need to talk every night, no need to share. Even though H says he doesn't think that way at all, he wants to talk at night, I'm sorry to say that that is how I feel. He doesn't share his feelings anymore, so I don't know what he's thinking, and I assume. And naturally, I assume the worst. So all in all, it was a talk that did lighten me a bit, we did clear out some concepts. I told him that I will never tell him to quit smoking, because I don't want to know that I was the reason behind it, and he said he was planning to quit anyway. I told him we'll see, and to tell me as a surprise when you really dod ecide to do it. First choice: Should I expect him to quit just because he said he would? No, definitely not. I should just forget about it and keep on moving on and just hope that he does one day. I know that when I have to dissect a body of a man whose lungs have been battered with nicotine, I will completely freak out and tell him that he must quit now. He knows I will not be able to live with it, there are just too many things associated with it.
Reason why I hate H smoking:
1.I have many traumatic associations with it, and my mind has assumed that smoking=bad people, or evil, no matter how good they are.
2. It's deadly! I don't care how often or less you smoke, it still kills you, it still harms you, and though H will not want to admit it, his coughing is all due to his smoking.
3.It sets a bad example for yourself and for your family. If we end up getting married, I DO NOT want my children to go through the same thing I went through, seeing their father smoke, and wanting earnestly to stop it.
4. It causes infertility. And deformation of babies. And stunted growth and retardation. Enough said. Even though he said he won't smoke inside the house, his smoking may still affect his future.
5.He only started it because it's the norm here, in Pakistan. Every guy smokes, it's not even funny. You walk on the street and there's 50 men, and I can guarantee that 49 are smoking. Men are smoking while they're driving, while they're riding their motorbike, while they're waiting in line, while they're talking on the phone, while they're buying something from the store. It's like they never even heard of anything regarding the harmful effects of smoking. Why don't people just get it? Hello?! It ruins your lungs, it makes you breath shorter, it weakens your heart, it clogs your arteries, it can cause infertility, it causes bad breath, yellows your teeth, stains your fingers, causes mucus to jam in your throat, takes away 6 minutes of your life. And even if you end up on of the miracle people who live a long life (like my grandfather who died at 82) you live horribly. My grandfather has half a lung, an iron lung, one kidney, and diabetes. After his lung was surgically removed, the doctor told him there was no way he could smoke again. So he quit when he was 75. Is that really the life these people want to lead? A life where their internal organs look gross and nasty and are being ruined?
Okay, yeah, that was a major rant right there. Lol.
Moving on...today was the fun fair in our college. :) I planned on taking my sister with me, and her friend came along too. We had...limited fun, mostly because I was really tired (I stayed up till 4:30am talking to him on the phone) and so I wasn't really in the mood to get so dressed up, but I did. I think I could've honestly looked better though. I had a few things to eat,like pizza, and I introduced all my friends to my sister (that was the main part actually...no matter how many things come between me and my sister, we're still close and we still want to involve ourselves in each other's lives as much as possible) and then we just hung around and took pictures. I reached there by 10am and left by 1pm, even though it ended at 4, I was way too tired. But overall it was a fun day. :) My batch had a stall which was macaroni salad, but it really wasn't selling as great as everything else. Lol.
Oh Christ, I have 4 pages of Anatomy to learn, and it's 11pm, and I have to revise things too. I have my third substage this Monday. :S Pray for me. I hope everybody is having a good weekend!
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