Confessions.

I'm really, really really hating life right now. And in the beginning it used to be because of only just one problem that I would dwell and constantly analyze and basically hurt myself on purpose. This time, it's a whole host of problems, almost all of equal magnitude. I don't want to complain, and I really am trying my best to stay positive, but I remember something, or yet another problem is given to me, and I'm brought down again. I've been going through this emotional rollercoaster for about 5 days now, it's a wonder that I haven't broken down yet. I'm really trying to stay above the water, but everybody's trying to drown me.

The week already kicked off to a bad start with Maha's mother's death. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought of that family. Whenever I'm alone and quiet, I think about them, and my heart aches. I have a problem f getting too emotionally attached, and because I know that so well, I can only be close with people who are emotionally attached with me. I get in too deep, and I know it. If I love someone, I love them with all my heart, be it my family or friends. So this death has particularly affected me, and I spend all my free time thinking how Maha can be so strong to go through this. Because I know that I cannot live without my mother. If she...leaves, I can never be happy again. I don't know where I will get the strength from to bear life after her or Dad's demise. It's a topic so sensitive, that all I need to do is think about it, and I shake my head to take the thought out, while simultaneously start to cry. I expect all children are like that, especially those who have a good relationship with their parents. We never want them to go, even after we're married and have kids, and our own life is settled down. Our first loves are always our parents, never our spouses. And nothing can take away the pain of them passing away, even years after it has happened. 

Besides that, my little sister has her board exams from this Monday, and she hasn't even completed the course of her elective, Geography of Pakistan because she started it late (the elective is in place of Urdu, since she cannot read or write Urdu). So I'm always worried about that paper of hers, I really want her to do well, and we spent literally 8-9 hours every day looking up topics online, writing down points, compiling notes. It's crazy. Right now, she has gone to read the Quran, so I have a bit of free time. But because of me prepping her for her exam, I've had to give up my daily revision, and it makes me feel so weird. I'm so used to revising everything after I come home from college, and in medicine it's even more urgently required. But right now, it's all about priorities, and my sister's exams are a massive priority. It still feels weird though, granted. Lol.

Kt is going a little over the top with her boyfriend, in the sense that she's completely ignoring the family and making him the centre of her world. It hurts all of us, because we see her do things for him that she would never do for us, and she lives in her own little bubble, and doesn't bother to get involved with family activities anymore. She's either texting him, calling him, Skyping with him, and though I don't have a problem with him personally (not anymore, atleast...lol) I just wish she would balance her life out by giving all of us equal time and care and love. Mom knows about them two, and I can bet it realy hurts her inside to know that all Hamza has to do is give one phone call, and Kt will attend it, whereas Mom can call her downstairs 10 times and she still won't come. Sigh. This is more of a temporary problem, and it just lingers in my mind for most of the time.

I'm really behind in my studies, but that is due to prepping my sister. I've been obsessed with the fear of death for awhile now, my own death. I believe in the Day of Judgment, but I'm so afraid of the unknown, you have no idea. I'm so afraid of dying. I'm afraid that I haven't been good enough, I'm afraid of being alone in the grave, I'm afraid of the punishments I may receive. I'm afraid...of not being able to live anymore. I know that the human mind cannot even begin to comprehend how amazing Jannat is, and how terrifying Hell is, but sometimes, I wish I could. I don't do good deed only to earn a place in Paradise; I truly do it to make me feel better about myself, that I'm a good person, and because it's the right thing to do. In the end, Allah knows my intentions, He knows how I feel, so I should be content with not being judged wrongly. 

I haven't been a very good Muslim lately, and it's only begun to hit me recently. I'm not a regular prayer reader, and I haven't read the Quran in a long time. I do backbite, gossip, curse, get angry, fight, and sometimes don't help people. My faith in Allah is not as strong as I want it to be, I want to be less in this world and more with Allah and the Hereafter. I want to be more spiritual, and I want to connect deeply with Allah. So I have decided, in a way. I'm actually going to make an effort to be a better Muslim. 

First off, I'm going to start with lessening my backbiting. I might not actually gossip, as in spread untrue rumors, or tell a whole load of people one bad thing about a person, but with close friends who I know won't  spread anything, I do tell them how I feel about a certain person. I have to realize that it is not just my opinion that counts, everybody has their own opinion, and just because I dislike somebody's demeanor, doesn't mean everyone else will. So, I will keep my opinions to myself, and most importantly, I won't judge. I won't judge until I know everything about somebody. I have been judging Sarah in previous posts by being really mean and bipolar, but I shouldn't. Because she left her home and her family to travel 8000 miles to a Third World country to study...of course it's going to take some time for her to adjust. And I should be supportive instead of judgmental and sulky (which I have been recently regarding her).

Me and H met today, and it was not a good meeting, in my opinion. We had a slight argument, and I went to Maha's place after it, so my depressive mood just intensified. Maha and her family are alright, but the house is just so empty without her mother. Nobody cried,but everybody was just eerily quiet. I felt so sorry for my friend and her family. I stayed for an hour, had lunch at her place, talked to her, and told her I would come as often as possible. She needs a friend, and I can be that for her. I know that I would need her if anything even remotely close like that happened to me.

I found out something about H that isn't really too big, but for some reason I don't want to mention it here. Just know that it was something I heard, and when I asked him about it, he denied it and tried to make me believe that he was telling the truth. After awhile though, he just focused on driving, and it concerned me that he wasn't worried about me believing him. I didn't believe him, and stayed mostly quiet after that whole ride. When he got up to get the front part of the car wash, I was looking at him through the windshield, and he looked...different to me. Different as in I didn't feel any swell of love, I didn't feel any appreciation, I didn't feel anything. It's not scaring me, I'm just in a very deluded and frozen state right now, because of all the problems I mentioned above. It's probably just a phase. But I definitely know that I have trust issues with him, and I don't know how they can be solved. What I'm really waiting for, deep inside, is for him to prove to me that he can be trustworthy. That day hasn't come, because he's just focusing on the surface of life and not on deeper things like emotions and feeling. I've only been feeling like that for 5 days and I'm freaking out, I wonder how he is. 

This is my life at the moment. And now I have to go help my little sister study. I have no idea how we're going to get everything done. Allah help me.