Drafts.

Whenever I get down, lonely, or a random thought regarding him pops into my head, I go directly to my messages in my phone, and I write a draft. I write it to keep the feeling there, and let go of it for the moment. I really need outlets, and that too inanimate ones, I never realized how much until I literally became dependent on Blogspot and my drafts folder. Lol. Sometimes, the message I write is what I actually want to text him,out of anger or hurt or sadness, but I don't have the courage to, so they just go to my Drafts. 

And I act totally normal around him.

Anyways, I thought that I would put them here. They're not too personal, they're associated with the usual emotions. Actually, I need to clear up space in my phone. For some reason, it can only hold 500 texts, which is absurd, since I have a memory card. But it doesn't include storage for texts, just for pictures and videos and music :/ Weird phone.

So, this is me in my most emotional, vulnerable, weakened state. I don't have any apprehension in sharing this, I think that you are only as strong as your weakest link. And this is mine.

''I don;t like that he smokes. I don't like that he can't call sometimes. I don't like that he's not emotional or compassionate anymore. I don't like that he doesn't make time for me, or doesn't apologize when my feelings are hurt, or doesn't think about my needs. I don't like that he's not expressive anymore. I don't like his newfound temper. I don't like his lack of support and love and patience. I don't like his neglect at making plans to meet or lack of efforts or trying I don't like that I can't trust him. God. That's alot.''

''What problem do you think you can arise from my side about marriage?''

''When they're not there for the important parts of your life, they may as well not be there at all.''

''My relationship with him isn't bad. We're not fighting. But it's not where I want it to be. I need to ask him if it's where he wants it to be.

And in response to that:

''He said it's not where he wants it to be. He wishes we would meet each other more. Interact, communicate with each other, meet every day.''

''It's one of three.

1.You think about what I say, and you give a response.

2.You're too tired.

3.You're thinking of something else (like what you're going to say next) and you don't respond.''

''No matter how long it's been,if we ever have to be apart, will you wait for me?

He said yes. Of course.

I asked, will you ever fall in love again?

He said no.''

''Do you believe in me? He says

No.

Then why are you still here, with me?

Just in case you do live up to your words, I want to be there when it happens.''

''Sometimes, being with you is like being with nobody.''

Honestly you haven't thought about it, have you? About making anything up to me. About how important our talks are. Do you even feel this overpowering urge to talk to me? About making me comfortable,about giving me more time,about picking me up from college. About giving me my birthday gift,remembering small things I say,living up to your promises and words. Placing my needs and wants on priority,getting ready to change anything about you to make me happy. Like your smoking. Like I did. I feel like I don't even know you anymore. You've added all these different elements in your life. You've made it more complicated yourself. I tried keeping it simple. My life still is simple if I want it to be. I made it complicated and tough so that I wouldn't feel sorry for myself for waiting all those hours for you. I would do anything for you.And I'm having a really hard time believing it's likewise.''  

''You were the one that asked about my sub stage 3 days after it happened. Only after you could find time. And you blame me for not asking about your first day of work? I'm here for you. I always was. It's not vice versa though. Even with college in the morning, I want to know how your life is. I want to eliminate your fears,because I know exactly how it feels to have doubts about the one you love.And you take that and feel happy, while I sit here and worry. I've decided I don't like being tense.At all. I'm getting gray hair because of it. You know what I want. If you can't make me happy,that's not my fault. I'll pay attention to the people and things that can.''

''I deserve somebody who can give me more time. Who is romantic and emotional and will know how I'm feeling for every situation. Who will text me if he can't call, and will always remember every day to try harder for his relationship to work. For his love to be happy. Otherwise I'll start to learn to be happy without you. I'll get used to you never being there.''

''If I was to leave you, because of your behavior, not because of someone else, would you fight to keep me?''

''You said that you would feel guilty your entire life if you didn't marry me. I'm just curious, but you would never forcibly marry me if you didn't want to right You don't feel bound or trapped by me do you?

He says he feels trapped by time,never by me. He willingly meets me and talks to me. And enjoys our relationship. :)''

''I don't know what happened last night, but I'm dead sure you don't remember half of what you said you would tell me. The plan on Friday? The secret from Sunday? I remember, you forget. This relationship is so one sided it's not even funny.''

''If we know we're going to lose the ones we love, why do we still love them so much?''

''And I'm sick and tired of remembering the past. Because that's not you anymore,and it will never be you again. You've been reassuring me for no reason,giving me hope with no purpose. You will never love like you did before. And I have to stop believing and get out of these dreams, even if it hurts. The past is only beautiful when you know it can come again. And I don't think it will, despite what you say. You've broken all your other promises. Give me one valid reason why I should believe this one.''

I wrote the last one about a half hour ago. See the conflict of emotions, the fight with me against me? It's crazy being me, the rage of thoughts never stops. So I've decided to just become immune to myself, regarding him.