It's been a while since I updated here. There were so many problems, least of which was that I didn't have access to the internet. Lol. Besides that, even if I did, life is always handing me more and more things to do, and I really can't find any time. Also, I've realized that recently, I don't feel the need to write any more blog posts. I don't know what that means exactly, because I've also been going through a lot of emotional changes.
I've learned to pack my problems and put them in a box in the back of my head. I've learned to deal with more pressing matters first, and to realize the true meaning of priority. I've learned to look at life in a much bigger way, it is not only my life that I affect, it is my family, friends, parents, teachers, neighbors. The smallest bad thing should not be the end of the world, and the smallest good thing shouldn't make me want to die at that moment, happy. All moments are temporary, and life goes on, waiting for nobody.
Being this insightful and inquisitive is a little boring, I must admit. Life is really dull at times, and most of all I've become emotionally withdrawn with the one person I've shared my thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams to-H. Even if I feel the need to talk to him about something, I think that he either doesn't care, or he can't help me, or he won't understand. Things are better now, we were never fighting. In my head, everything is back to square one. I want to start things all over again, to make myself see what attracted me to him in the first place, if there is anything I still want to go to him for. I want to erase the habit/obsession/addiction, and see if I go to him just because I want to, or need to. Recently, it shows that I do.
If I say that I'm tired and I want to end the call,he's been asking me if I'm okay and if I'm really tired and if I'm sad about something. I always tell him I'm alright, but then when he says I love you I don't say it back. I haven't said it back properly in a while, and he says that he will make me comfortable enough to say it soon.
Okay, for some reason I don't want to talk about this anymore. I know how I feel about this situation, and for some reason I don't want to share it. Let's just end it with my saying that I like that he's worrying a little bit, and I hope he doesn't fall back into the general trend of thinking that I'm always alright. Because even now, there's a reason why I'm not saying that I love him back. Because internally, everything is NOT alright. But I don't know how to bring it up to him, and a part of me doesn't want to. I have forced myself to make it a small deal in my head (though it's quite a big one) so that I can go on with the rest of my day not worrying too much about it, and then at night when we talk I can make everything sound normal. But now that I've mentioned it here, the feeling is back in full force. I'll find some way to quell this.
Anyway, I didn't go to college today. I have a habit of getting lazy near the end of the week and always wanting to take Saturdays off. Today, I overslept, and woke up late, not late enough to miss the bus,but I didn't want to go, so I just rolled back into bed and fell asleep. Lol. It's also good in a way, because now I'm fresh and awake enough to study for the Physio test that I have on Monday. I'm really scared, but also confident that I'll do well. :)
Yesterday was my friend's A's birthday. Remember A from a previous blog post? Her. A week before, me and our friends made a plan to surprise her on her birthday. I was going to back a cake, and then we would just...well, surprise her. Lol. For the first time ever, the cake turned out P.E.R.F.E.C.T. I'm serious. It wasn't raw, it didn't break, it didn't burn. It was a perfect round shaped chocolate cake. Just my luck, I guess. I wrapped it in cling film and at the end of the day at college, we all went to the hostel, and me and S came later with the cake. It was a really nice time, we sang Happy Birthday and she was so happy, it made me happy. :)
It was overall, a nice Friday to begin with.
When I came home, I had to take my sister to her college, because she was about to start her 3 week residence course. In that, she has to stay over at small ''houses'' in her college, where she lives with ten other girls, and she has to decorate it and have duties regarding it, like cleaning and cooking and washing. It looked so weird, packing things up in the pick up truck, and two suitcases near the table. She's having fun though, and I'll see her in 3 weeks.
Yesterday I didn't get much studying done, and I plan on doing much more today. I only have today and tomorrow to study for the test. So, I must go. I hope everybody has a great weekend, and I'll try to blog as much as I can, because God knows that I can really need it sometimes.
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