Too many thoughts.

The last time I needed this blog to rant was a long time ago. I haven't been ranting on here because mainly, I don't have time, but today is Saturday, tomorrow is Sunday, it's the afternoon, and I want to distract myself from all these things in my head. So I turn to you, blog.

Who else can it be about? I don't love or care about anyone more than him. Except for my family, of course.

The thing about me is, I can't be satisfied knowing that I feel something. I need to give it a name, I need to know exactly why or how I'm feeling this. I'm very analytical, I look too deep into words that have no meaning, and I think way too much for myself. In recent months, I have gotten alot of gray hair, it's scary. I only used to have three or four. Now I have about 10 or 12. I stress out too much, and I hate it too, but I just cannot be alright with life knowing that there is something wrong. I cannot let go of things easily unless I have the answer, especially when it's things or people that I care about.

Background story first, I think.

Anybody who has been reading this blog knows about the distance that has crept into mine and H's relationship. It's neither of our faults, but I just know that I'm always there for him if he needs me, and he can't be there for me because of his busy schedule. So, even though it's neither of our faults, the problem is because of him, and I always hope that he will realize that and think ''Things are distancing between us because I can't talk to her as much as I used to. Maybe I should try harder from tomorrow.''

He has guests over his place, from Islamabad,and even when he wakes up without a plan, plans just formulate as his day goes on. He is rarely ever home, and we are talking on the phone or even on text in a very dsconnected way. I wish he was there more often so I could rely on him.

So anyway. Two nights ago, he said that we would talk the next night, no matter what happens. Definitely.  Then yesterday, he had his first day of work, and that night, I went to sleep early, thinking that he would bell me to wake me up whenever he was free to talk. He didn't. I was very hurt. That's all I've been actually, very hurt. I know anyone reading this post will think I'm some sap who relies on him too much, and is too weak. But I don't know if anyone has ever felt this way about anybody. 

I didn't go to college today because I missed my bus, and I didn't even want to, still feeling the aftermath of Naomi's death. I woke up at noon, and texted and then called H. He woke up, and said that he went to sleep at 12:30 last night. He didn't apologize, nor did I expect it, but I've just been pulled taut these past few days with emotions and feelings that I really needed to be angry. I didn't want to be understanding. Thing is, he wanted the same thing too. We didn't exchange any harsh words (we never do, we're very civil towards each other) but he just said ''You didn't even ask about my first day of work, you just said we didn't talk last night. It's okay, I don't mind, I'm just saying it because I noticed.'' I wrote ''The whole point of talking to you last night was to ask how your first day went.'' He said ''Oh really. It was to make you feel better for the previous days. Anyway. Why didn't you go today?''

At this text I burst inside myself with anger. First of all, I did remember to ask about his first day of work. Second, isn't it also important that I feel better about our relationship? I've been going through this whirlwind of paranoia and insecurity, and apparently it's not important enough for him to remember and talk about. Goodness. This was totally enough to get me thinking about what to do.

I have so many options and so many thoughts in my head, not about how to justify myself, but how to make myself clear as crystal to him. Me and him are not thinking along the same wavelengths, I guess that's why it's hard for him to understand me, and me him. 

I just want to stop thinking, honestly. Just stop thinking, and not text him, and not build up this huge wave of anger and resentment and yelling and fights towards him, and just see what happens. But dammit, why can't he see how vague he's being about us, about me? Distant doesn't even cover what I feel for him anymore. I feel...galactically distant. Like I'm on Earth and he's on Mars. He's gotten a job, and though that sounds very normal and neutral, for some reason it makes me feel like he's more farther away than ever. Because we didn't even discuss it, it just happened. 

I'm so waiting for his guests to leave, so I can see if they were the reason of his lack of communication.

I have so much more to say, but I'm really not in the mood to bad mouth him. I was hoping that writing all of this out would make me feel better, but honestly, it didn't. 

I'm just going to distract myself, and just deal with it. Everybody's dealt with something similar at one point, so it's alright. I don't know if we'll even talk tonight, but if we do, I don't even know what to say. Should I just act normal, like nothing happened? Or should I talk to him about it, yell at him, express myself? A part of me is so sick of this tirade, you wouldn't believe it. Because I only feel like I'm repeating myself over and over again. H, you don't make time for me anymore, you only come to me after everything else has been done. You don't talk about us anymore, things have changed, we're different. God, I hate even how I sound.

I'm really hating today.