Even though I should be the happiest girl in the universe for finally getting EXACTLY what I wanted, a place in the medial college most suited to my needs...I'm not. I'm not happy because I want things to be right between me and H again. No matter what anyone says, he is a part of my happiness. Call it habit, addiction, or for the romantics, call it love, but unless things are right with me and H, I can't ever be fully happy.
Ever since his father was hospitalized, and the months coming after that (April-December) I feel like we've definitely distanced. Maybe not on purpose, but the closeness I felt was gone. I guess I felt close to him only when I talked to him often, and I was also close to his mother, who I talked to on the phone, and he would talk to me about his life very often, about the different people in his family, and his friends, and their personalities. Or conversations at night were never dull. On the contrary, we would look up at the clock and be surprised that it was already 4am, and yet we still had multitudes to talk about.
Now, he's become a completely different person, in the sense that his personality hasn't changed, but his behavior and attitude has. He doesn't tell me more things, mainly because he forgets them himself. He doesn't talk about his family anymore, and mostly I do the talking. We now normally end the call after only an hour of talking. It's really hard to endure, even more harder to understand. To him, his life has become a whirlwind of errands and duties, and waking up early after only a couple of hours of sleep, and yet there's no pleasure because he knows that he won't be able to sink into his bed at night: he has to talk to me. When I remember all these things, my heart bursts with emotion. He wants to talk talk to me, because nowadays, that's the only form of communication we have, late night talking. He can't text often during the day, and life is not about feelings anymore, for him. It's about practical, in-your-face reality. If we do end up fighting one night, he can't sulk about it the next day, for he's woken with a list of things to do. He's become, in essence the ''man of the house''.
I really wished and hoped that things would slow down for him, get better for him, but when I hear of his future plans, it doesn't seem like they ever will. True, his dad's stroke was not expected, it was aliterally a blot out of the blue, but everything else that will follow (like him getting a job, joining his ACCA classes in January, and then going to the US for summers) was expected, we've talked about it millions of times. It makes me wonder, if I know things won't get better, why am I still with him? I have a choice to end this, to live this life for myself, because I am my own person, and I should be independent and strong. Why don't I just say ''it's over'' and let him deal with life, maybe me and him could stay friends. Why don't I take this step?
Bottom line: I love him. I've always loved him, but in the beginning I never knew it, nor did I ever let my feelings develop. I gave too much of myself to him, and though I'm having very severe trust issues with him at the moment, I believe him (or want to believe him) when he says that in the end, no matter what happens, he's marrying me.
I just ask for more, I want him to prove himself, try hard one day to show me that this love is real, it's pure, it's still there, and he will still do anything for me. Three nights ago, I talked to him about the trust issue that was having. That I didn't trust him to be there for me, didn't trust him to love me, didn't trust him to keep hs promises or be anything and everything that he said he would be. He listened, he said things would be different from the next day.
God. They weren't. And I didn't have the heart to tell him, I kept it to myself so I could decide what to do. He texted me a little bit more often, but how is he supposed to earn my trust back? Even I don't know. I need some guidelines, some rules.
I decided to give him a week, till the 10th, just to see if things would change. If they don't...then I don't know what step I should take. His life is already hard enough without his girlfriend telling him that she's breaking up with him. And like I said, I don't want to leave him.
We had a slight fight last night, where I said something like ''you didn't keep your promise of waking me up.. and he said ''Give me a break, for God's sake.'' He lost his patience because he had a rough day. And to be very honest, I lost my patience after hearing that too, but I kept my mouth shut and told him we were better off if we went to sleep. I have no idea what I'm doing, or what to do.
So, as usual, my relationship is on the rocks. I could just pretend that everything is alright and I'm happy, but it's not that easy, because I want and need to be truly happy inside than anything else.
Well, writing this blog post has certainly made me feel better. Lol. I hope he reads this post, it'll help him understand me better.
I miss him very much, and I hope he feels the same way too.
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