Usually blogs are used to record a person's day, and that person does it at night because the day is complete. But ever since last night, I really needed this blog. I don't just need it for that one reason, to record everything. I need it to write down my feelings so I can make sense of the mess that I am. And usually, that mess only comes out when it has to do with H.
Last night's talk was...strict and frustrating, to say the least. Even I think that I'm sometimes the dumbest or the craziest person ever, because I say things or talk about things that make no point. And you know what, usually that would be okay. Usually, I would just completely be myself and tell people what I think or what I feel. But with H, everything has to have a point. ''What's the point?'' Love, just look at it from an understanding and ''point-to-ponder'' sort of way, maybe there isn't a point darling, maybe I just want you to hear me talk about what I feel. That's it. Can that be enough?
We just kept on going over and over about the smoking thing, and I found that I couldn't let go. God, I let him do it, why am I the one picking up the end of the tail again? Why am I expecting him to still feel a little guilty for what he's done to me? It doesn't hurt me talking about it. It hurts that I won't believe him even if he ever says that he quit. I know I won't believe him. So I'm really at fault, aren't I? Or is it his fault for making me lose that trust in him?
Smoking was among other things we discussed We discussed the things that we had to accept for each other. Normally, at the end of each phone call, I would lay in bed and think about everything that was said, and sort it out, and take my side. But there were so many things in what he said that even at the next morning (now) I'm confused. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. :/
Okay. Wait. Stop. Think a moment. You won't believe him if he says he'll quit. And you think it makes you feel better that atleast he's not lying to you. He loved you enough to tell you that he would do it before he was tempted to break the promise himself. That's gotta count for something right? He doesn't do it often. It's not a part of him, it's just a small little hobby, so to speak. You should have no problem with it.
Being honest here. Still not convincing enough. I think I just need this day to think about it more. Sometimes, it's worth it to move on than to stay and try to put the pieces together and risk hurting yourself. There is nothing I can do, nothing. In this case, I used to believe that I has a choice, but now I finally feel like I don't. Okay, so final decision? Move on. That's it. Just move on. I don't think about it like crazy in a day anyway, and it doesn't bother me that much, but that's probably because I haven't seen him do it yet. It's just who he is, I guess. The thing is, I could stop him if I wanted to, I could make him quit, but I know, simply, I won't believe it, and it will literally be only a matter of time before he would want to do it again.
So drop it.
This was the main thing in my mind. Besides that, he knows what else bothers me. I think that what we lack now, is the fact that I don't trust him, and he doesn't understand me. If we can't sort that out, then I don't know what we're supposed to do. Time won't bring trust, actions will bring trust, true guilt will bring trust. Because time, I've had alot of.
Today is Eid. Eid Mubarak! I've been awake since 8am, having slept at 4am, and I am in no mood to get dressed or to help anyone. But like lots of things in life, I don't have a choice. So I have to. I just thought I'd write in my blog to clear my mind of things before anything else. Though to be honest, I still feel like all my thoughts are like spaghetti, twisting all around, they can't be separated. Things still seem all jumbled in my head, in my life. And I know that if I talk to H on the phone tonight, about all these feelings that I'm having, I will feel better. But I can't, I can't. He just won't understand, he won't listen with the ear I want him to listen to, and if I crying out of overwhelming of emotion, he just won't understand, and won't know how to help me or guide me through this.
I feel so screwed. Let me think of things myself.
And I'm reading my blog post again and thinking I'm way too depressed. I'll try to be happy today, really. Just go on with my day and do what's needed for Eid. I hope I have a good day.
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