Unexpected

So it's 12:47 am, the end of the day, and I'm going to write my first ever proper blog post. Lol. Last night, me and H did not get along well, at all. I didn't text him all day, because I was really depressed and down. I told him that, in general, but I didn't tell him the real reason, which is that I was missing him like crazy and yet I was so hurt by his current behavior. He texted me at night asking if everything was okay, I said I was down, and he called me and we talked, but nothing was making me feel better, I was expecting so much more for him to say, for him to do, but nothing was getting through to me. And I admit, that part was my fault, I was just rejecting everything I didn't like, and waiting for something that I did like, but it never came. And I got even more depressed, and I couldn't talk to him properly, I mean, non-argument voice-ish, and then in the end he said that he couldn't say anything useful, he thought that nothing he could say would make a difference to me, I wanted to be unhappy, and so there was no point in talking, and he was going to sleep.

How could he just give up that easily?? I wouldn't. I don't know whose wrong here. 

I called him again and texted him to pick up. He did, and for a few seconds, I couldn't even speak because I was in utter shock. But when I started to talk, I couldn't stop. I told him how I thought that he was giving up so easily, he wasn't even willing to fight for it, and stuff related to that. He said that he couldn't think of words to say, and that he couldn't do his best right now, and that everyone has a choice, to be happy or not to be, and that was my choice.

Yeah, it's a choice for heartless people. For robots. To me, it's not a choice. 

I want to scream at him, scream saying ''Don't you get it already?? I want YOU to make me happy! I want you to worry about it, you to fix this, you to help me!'' but he's acting like this is not his problem. And it hurts me very badly.

This afternoon, I woke up today, and texted him telling him I was awake. But last night, and for awhile now, I already made it in my mind that I needed some time off. Less for me, more for him. More so I can see if he could do anything for me, like he said. So I wrote this text to him.

''I don't have the capacity in me to be happy when I'm actually not. Or to ignore my sadness. Especially in these days I know how I'm feeling, and I also know that it can't be helped. In addition to that I know that, as it has been for months, life is difficult for you, and it's made you bitter and impatient. I need some space. There's no point in talking tonight about understanding. You're not willing to make an effort, this isn't as important to you as it is to me. We both know that you won't understand me the way I want you to, and that I won't let go of the hopes and wants that I have for you. It's a losing battle. We've discussed this numerous times. Maybe we just need time away from each other.''

I sent this, hoping he would get the message, hoping that he would understand that this is serious to me, I want him to prove himself, to prove that he really does love me. I know I must understand, must realize that his life is not as easy as it used to be, but right now. I just don't have it in me to understand. This text was basically me asking for a break. 

I wanted to see if he would do what he told me he would do. He said that he would never let me take a break if he wasn't having his exams. And yet he hasn't texted or called back once.

In a way, this is good. Yes, I miss him, and think of him more than usual, but this will prove everything. This will reveal it all. If I really mean anything to him. 

After this emotional rollercoaster, I helped Mom with work, and then my sister has guests come over because her friend's sister was getting married, and Kt was the one to put henna on her. She does very excellent henna, my sister. Now that friend that came knew about me and H, and she was asking me about him. I nearly started crying, right in front of her, a girl I don't know well. I just told her that me and him were fighting, and she looked at me sympathetically. It took me an enormous amount of strength to control myself, and not cry, I could hear my voice about to crack. There. I can be strong. I can be strong.

The girl and her family just left about an hour ago, and I would write down more details, but it's late, and my silbings are having exams, and they need to be listened to, so I'll go now. No, he hasn't texted or called, and I'm sure he won't either. He either didn't get what I meant by the break, or he wants to give me the break, or he doesn't care about me. I just know that if it was me, I couldn't be able to stand it, and I would've called him back immediately. 

Some life this is. Only 5 more days to go. But even then I feel like life will be pointless unless I get the old understanding H back.