I absolutely love my new mattress. We bought it a few days ago from Makro, and it's so comfy, and I don't even feel like getting out of it when I'm awake. Which resulted in me getting out of bed at 4pm today :S Even though I was awake since 1pm. Even though I don't have much to do in a day, it still feels weird and groggy waking up this late, knowing that the sun will set only an hour later.
Me and H talked last night, and things ran a little deeper, because we mentioned that one thing that I had to forcefully accept: his smoking. He asked me if he could smoke exactly one month ago, and out of frustration, out of helplessness, out of knowing that me saying no will only result in him resenting me, I said yes. I said yes and told myself last night that I wouldn't let it affect me from now on. He had already asked twice before this, and I said no, and yes respectively, with the latter resulting a tearful change of mind three weeks later. He stopped doing it for my sake, and even though he insisted that it wasn't that important in his life, he still wanted to do it.
There are so many things wrong with the way he talks about smoking. He says he needs it only once or twice a week, and if he's in a really stressed out mood, maybe even up to 5 times a day. At first, it used to tear at me inside. Literally rip at my guts and my mind would be literally occupied with it all day, every day. I used to picture him smoking all the time, going crazy, getting addicted. No matter how much he's proven himself to be a much more maturer guy than all, or most, of his friends...he's still a guy. He's still a little immature. So even when he said that he wouldn't get addicted, I believed and still believe, that one day he will. And I bluntly told him last night that I could not live with his smoking habit after we get married-that is, if we get married. I'll be a doctor then and will have much more to say on the topic of smoking, and will know much more about it in detail, and there is no way I could live with someone contradicting what I do. In reply to that, he said ''Well, I'm glad you told me that.'' And the whole conversation last night was one of intense bitterness and resentment, because to me I feel that if smoking is not an addiction, it should be something that he can easily give up for me. And if he ever wanted to do it again, he would remind himself why he gave it up, for me, and it would be worth it. I'm not trying to change who he is, because smoking is not an addiction for him. I know that if it was an addiction, he wouldn't quit even if I threatened to leave him. Hell, even if I broke up with him, he wouldn't quit.
So last night was probably an eye opener for him, but it was basically a rant for me. You know how far I went for him to make him happy? I pre ordered a Zippo lighter with his name engraved in it, for his birthday. Because I knew it would make him happy. I knew that's what he wanted. I knew he'd like it. When was the last time he pushed away his personal opinion on something of mine, and supported me one hundred percent? Just talking about the present gave way to tears falling down my face. And he was in utter disbelief.
Why do I do all this? To prove that I love him? Why do I keep settling him in a foundation, proving time and time again that I will always be there for him, and that I love him enough to stand by him, when at the same time he's unsettling me? Why am I enduring all this? Even he asked the same question last night. And I told him that I would still endure. But why?
For a guy, a relationship is part of his life. And for a girl, it IS her life. She will do anything, not to keep the relationship together, but to keep it happy. And I do that, all the time, for no reason. He doesn't need reminding that I love him. But I definitely need reminding. I think that's what's happening. I think I keep on showing these little bursts of love to send a subliminal message that I want to be shown this too.
I've been asking him for weeks to meet. Weeks. And I ask it in so many different ways, thinking that he'll give in some way or the other. I spend so much time and effort and thoughts into this, to get about one percent back. And I don't.
I let it all out last night,and when the call ended after it's duly hour, I couldn't call back, because I had so much more to say, but for some reason, a part of me (the part that learns from experience) believed that there was no point in telling me how I felt. The next day, he'd go back to doing what he did, and I would have to go back to burying all those feelings again. While quiet, he sent this text.
''Baby, I've had it with my life. I've been pulled into such a stupid way of caring only about other people and I subconsciously avoid it whenever I can. I hate my life, I've been hating it for weeks now. I love you. Call me please.''
The fact that he gave me a reason to call back, was why I did. And we talked again, for a little while longer, until he fell asleep, and I shut the phone. Even then, I felt like there was no point, I told him that I felt underappreciated, underloved, and highly neglected, but tomorrow will be the same day.
I think I won't feel that there is a point until and unless he makes an effort. And I'm saying this now, I'm making this promise to myself now. I am in charge of my life and my feelings and my thoughts. And I shouldn't have to change that out of fear. If I find another reason to fight with him again, I will ask for a break. I will. I need time to deal with this on my own, and I think by that time, I would've endured enough.
Now, moving on with the rest of my day. Lol. Eid is tomorrow, and for the UK it's today. It's the Eid of sacrifice, and we have bought three goats and a cow. Tomorrow we're going the sacrifice the cow, and the day after the two goats, and the day after that, the last goat. Eid is normally a three day function. I don't particularly like Eid anymore, because I'm not a child, I'm an adult, and I have to be one of the early risers, helping everyone with manual labor. Ugh. I didn't get any new dress made for this Eid, because I just didn't have the time.I normally get new dresses made for the first Eid of the year, after Ramadan. THAT is a fun Eid. :) This Eid only means that I'll be eating goat meat and beef for the next four months. :/ I'm not particularly fond of both, I'm totally a chicken person (even though I should be eating more red meat, because I'm as thin as a stick). So, will be eating out more often for the next month. Haha.
I have to start paying more attention to my diet, and eating whenever I'm hungry, because I never seem to gain any weight, and that basically means that I'm not eating above my calorie intake. :( I've incorporated milk into my diet, something which is a big deal for me, since I don't like milk and haven't had it properly since my babyhood days, lol. So I have a glass of milk (or sometimes two) in a day, and to be honest I don't feel any difference. Then again, it's only been two weeks, let me give it another two weeks, lol.
I will be updating my layout soon, but for now, I have two bratty siblings who want to go online, and they can only do that through my laptop, because my brother's computer is at the computer shop. Hmph.
November 30th cannot come any sooner. I'm filled with suspense for that day.
No comments:
Post a Comment