Entree

I know I will feel more comfortable with this blog, because it's everything I've ever wanted in a blog. And yes, stupid me that I had to find out about it later, through a friend. Lol. Before this I was on Diaryland.

So, starting new. Hopefully I will be very regular with this blog and play around a little bit more so that I can change layouts because honestly, I hate mine, and I have now begun to stalk people who knew HTML. Lol. All about practice I guess. 

About today. I woke up at 1:00pm, late for you maybe, but early for me. I am currently free from academics, and waiting for the merit list of candidates selected for medical college to come out. After I woke up, I helped mom clean the fridge, went on and offline a few times, and randomly circled my house. I hate being this free all the time, but sadly, I have no choice. =l so, yeah.

Since I'm so idle, all I do is think all the time. I overanalyze and interpret too much, and this will go away once I start getting busy, but for now I must suffer with it. 

What's on my mind now is my feelings towards H. Last night, we were talking about things that he liked, and he was getting so in depth about them, and in the beginning I was really enthusiastic too, but something felt wrong. And I realized what it was: it was the fact that he was never this interested or this detailed or expressive about what I wanted him to be in. And not anything stupid, like girly stuff, but, more specifically, our relationship. Most of the time, it's just me talking about promises and trust and loyalty, and the different dynamics of a relationship, and how to keep one alive, and all that I've learnt, through practice and through experience. And all I hear is ''Mhm. Mhm.'' Are all guys like that? I'm not asking you to bawl over me, but take an interest in something you've committed yourself to. It's very offending to know that you're not expressive or knowledgable about your relationship. 

So I woke up this morning with an okay mood (a better mood than most mornings actually. For some reason,waking up gets me down) and didn't text him, because I didn't actually have anything to say. I hung up on him last night, and he didn't call me back, so I was in a very hardened self preserving mood, I guess. We just talked about it though, because he texted asking where I was. So I basically went all out and told him what I wrote in the paragraph above.

I want to know his opinions on things related to us, about him understanding how a girl works, but he doesn't have answers. Doesn't have an opinion. Hm. Okay.

So basically I've just been in a very neutral mood all day, wishing for money and for a car and for freedom to move all around this town. 

I've also had a few epiphanies, if you will. I was reading another blog, a friend's, and in there, she had written,

''Today I promised myself that I would be happy no matter what.''

When I read that, I realized that I never actually told myself to be happy or any other certain mood. I would just wake up every day, revel in the mood I'm in, and go with the flow. Feel that mood all day, and if something was to change the mood, so be it. I never actually held a control over my emotions. I just let them happen. 

So two mornings ago, I made that promise to myself the night before. That no matter what happened the next day, I would be happy. I would look at things in a positive light. And it worked. Yes, granted, unfortunate things happened too,but instead of dwelling on them, I brushed them aside and concentrated, literally focused only on the good things of the day. :) It was amazing. Did the same thing this morning too, and even though I was badly burned from last night, I didn't let it take over me today (which I normally do).

Maybe people can break promises that they've kept with me, but I will always keep my own promises. It's on the road to self love.