And a whole lot of faith.

Sports day, which was yesterday. The theme was pink and rockstars, and I think I fit into it quite nicely :D I really need a haircut though, my hair has become too long, and I can't manage it if it's longer than that. I need it to have a look and a proper haircut. So, I guess I'll have to start saving up money as I'm almost out.

There have been a lot of things which have been bringing me down recently. The main is of course the financial trouble we're having. I finally threw a bone and told my friends about it, it was by total accident though, they overheard me talking to my mom. They were really very supportive and told me things to read from the Quran, but most importantly, they told me that Allah sends down these times as a test, to see how much we really believe in Him. Every family goes through good and bad times, life wouldn't be life without the tests and struggles and challenges. But I never knew how down something could get me. And worst of all, I'm not praying. I prayed early in the morning, but when I came home I went with my brother to drop off some things at a friend's place, came back and I heard the Azaan, but went for my bed and slept for about an hour. Curse me. I need the willpower, but I don't know where to get it from.

It's quite ironic how you're supposed to turn to Allah in times of depression, and yet all you want to do is not so anything and dwell on your problems. At least, that's how it is with me.

Another thing is H. Of course, you must be sighing. I'm sighing myself. Whatever the reason we're not alright, I'm not going to share. Because frankly, I'm tired of my mood depending on him. I'm tired of me only being happy when he is sweet and nice to me, and my mood sucking when he's not. I don't think my mood should depend on a person alone, I think it should always remain positive and neutral, no matter what the circumstance. Today we were texting for awhile in class, and I could feel myself getting enclosed in this one mood, but I forced myself to focus on other things, friends, dissection, studies, and texting other people, and it worked. So all I need is a sufficiently strong distraction for any problem in my life, and college does provide me with that.

I love showers. I'm going t take one right after this blog post. Or after I get half of my studying done for today.

My stage is on Monday. The entire lower limb. My day consisted of studying for that one limb entirely. Lol. I skipped the first class of the day which was Biochemistry tutorial, just to go to the Dissection Hall early when nobody would be around, and identify the limb's muscles. I'm very happy to say that I've done it :D I've learned exactly where everything is, and especially the troubling 'sole of the foot' and the ankle area. Trust me, those areas are easy to learn in theory, and so crazy confusing when you see it live.

If anyone is wondering, no, I'm not afraid of dissection, nor of the bodies. They've been preserved, which basically removes one step of humanity right there. And it's all for scientific purpose, I can definitely train my mind to think that way and touch the limb just to go through the muscles and learn everything I've done it before. :) I'm still debating whether to go to college tomorrow or not for one more final ID. 

Then after that class, I met up with the rest of my friends in the Physiology lecture, where I didn't pay attention to anything and completed my Biochemistry practical. Then it was Histology, and I paid semi attention to that. Then it was Dissection, officially, and I did ID and the joints one more time. I feel satisfied that I'll be able to do my oral exam (which is on the 17th) well.

Things I want/need:

-Chunky bracelets

-Rings, big ones. (I only own one, really)

-A pair of black pumps.

-Two more pairs of skinny jeans.

-A new straightener.

-An entirely new make up wardrobe, especially mascara and eyeliner.

This is what I've been thinking about quite recently. You know when people say they have no clothes or have to redo their wardrobe? I actually mean it. It sucks that I'm remembering I need/want these things when we're having such monetary lows.

Be strong everyone, and always hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

Epiphany Two.

''Be yourself is an inaccurate statement, because sometimes,you can't define yourself, you don't know exactly who you are. What I would say is, do what you want. Whatever that may be. Strike a pose, kiss someone, build dreams, and live the way you want to live.''


-Randomhyper
8.3.2011

MayDay Parade.

I am totally in love with this new band called Mayday Parade. Their genre is punk/bubble gum rock. They make me feel like a teenager again, not that I'm THAT old ('m only 20). I heard one of their songs a few years ago called ''Jamie All Over'' and I liked it very much, but I believed then to be a one hit wonder. Yesterday, I had some time, so I decided to check out some of their other songs. Though they're not fantastic, they did get out some really good songs, like ''Miserable at Best'', ''The Last Something that Meant Anything'', and ''The Memory.'' Give it a listen!

''And I'll be fine, I'm just gone beyond repair.''

The last something that meant anything.

I'm better! :D

It was easy, I got better just by the pill I took yesterday afternoon. My headache cleared up, my sore throat disappeared, and best of all, I was able to study! It meant so much to me that I could complete exactly what I had planned to study for that day. :)

It's theme week in our college, and it's exciting, but I'm not so much into it. Yesterday (the day I missed) was odd day, and I had a whole plan about it. Today was traditional day, and I wore a ''chooridar'' pajama and ''khussa'' which is very traditional. It STILL made me feel under-dressed because everybody went all out for today, putting on makeup (I had none except eyeliner) and attachments to their hair called a ''paranda'', and it made me feel very insecure and inferior. Tomorrow is rock star, and I plan on going all out for this now. This is my element, this is when I can do whatever I want to,because it's who I am. I know how to dress for this. So I'm excited for tomorrow :) 

I should get some sleep now, I have to wake up, study, shower, plan for tomorrow, pick up things from a friend's place. Busy, busy. But in a way, it's good. It'll prevent me from thinking too much and overanalyzing things that I shouldn't.

Leaving a chance for the end.

I hate today.

I make it a point to always start the week off well, by attending college on Mondays. Thats the start of everything, it's what gets you motivated. I was ill yesterday, but I didn't think much of it, because I normally just rest and I feel better. But it only got worse. I woke up this morning to find that I could barely talk, my throat was hurting so bad. And my head was spinning and feeling very heavy. I could've gone to college, but it would've been  a horrible day, I wouldn't have studied anything, so I decided to take the day off. I really, really REALLY don't like taking days off college. Attendance is a big deal in college, if you are below 75% regular in each subject, you're not allowed to sit for the final professional exams. :S But that's not the only reason I want to go to college. When I miss a day, it's like missing a week, because so much is covered during all the classes that day. When I come back, I'm already lost, it's really hard to catch up to everything. So far, I have been missing one day a week from college, and I hate it. I really need to start taking better care of myself, and focusing myself more on my studies. The stage is coming up, and I had a whole schedule planned out on how to study for it, but I'm already behind one day. I need, absolutely need to get started on that work today. Thankfully, the headache has subsided, and I had chicken soup and a paracetamol, and now only my nose feels weird and is runny. Not enough to confine me and not make me study, I've studied in much worse conditions. Today will be a productive day, inshAllah.

Besides that, my cousin gave birth to a baby girl today. I am an auntie! :D MashAllah, both mother and baby are fine, and they live in Islamabad, so I can't wait to take a break from all this and go to Islamabad to see the whole family. MBBS might be fun and interesting, but it consumes so much of my time that I actually like sitting around having nothing to do sometimes. My cousin is a doctor too, AND she married a Shia (though most of my family doesn't know that) so me and her have much more in common than she thinks, lol. I will see how she raises her family, and how things turn out for her. 

Well, I will go have some lunch, and then hopefully start study. I hope everyone's week began alright, and inspired.

Treacherous.

This is for real, and it's in my college. It is the spiral staircase leading to the ground floor, and its door is at the back of my usual lecture hall. I started going on here whenever I wanted to sneak out of class. It's really scay, because it's literally vertical,and the steps are so tiny. If you've read my previous posts, you'll know I'm terrified of heights, so at first I tried backing out, but my friend was behind me and she wouldn't let me go the normal way. So I clung onto the banister and took my wobbly legs downstairs. Needless to say, I survived.

Today was Sunday. I really love Sundays, there's something different about that day, I can feel it within me. Today started great. I woke up at 11:30am, which is quite early for me, and I went online, had breakfast, the usual. The night before, I attended the welcome party of my college, where the 2nd years welcomed the 1st years (us). It was fun, loads more fun than I expected, and when the night was over I felt a nagging pain in my throat, and I knew something would hurt in the morning. I woke up with a sore throat, and me barely being able to talk. The reason was because of hooting and screaming from last night, and drinking really cold Sprite. Lol. It's better now, ever since I had a Tylenol, but my eyes are red and burning and watery too, so I see a flu coming on :(

My substage was yesterday morning, my last one. It. sucked. Worse than any other. I was so tired, and I couldn't ID the leg properly, and I was confusing things, and the doctor actually told me she would fail me, so I went to the lecture hall, begrudgingly. When I came downstairs a while later, I found out she passed me- but barely. 50 out of 100. So what, I passed! That meant alot, it meant that I had passed every single substage of the lower limb...now comes the stage, on the 14th. which is the ENTIRE lower limb. :S that is scary to know, that you have to learn every little thing all together. I'm supposed to study today, and I did begin to, but I just couldn't do it, my heart is not into it. My mom told me to start tomorrow, when I have a proper routine and schedule, when I sleep properly. I guess she's right. 

I went to go see my sister today,Kt. She's in residence, and she will be till the 18th. I do miss her, the house kinda came together with her. It was fun, my parents and me went to go see her, she didn't cry (as many other girls did) but she didn't fail to emphasize how much she wanted to come home and how much she was hating it there. Her cellphone has been confiscated, she has no access to the internet- it's basically like living in a prison. 

Things are very strange at home. Even though I should not discuss it because this is a public blog, but it's bearing me down to such an extent that I think I should mention it, if not explain. We are going through sever household stress. My dad is a businessman, a contractor for houses, and like in every business, sometimes there are highs, and some lows. Right now, we are at a low. We are really tight on money, and it scares me because we have so many things to get done that involves money. My mom needs to have an operation on her foot, and she can't walk a lot either, or the infection will increase. So she only gets up to make food, and we've been living on store bought roti for 2 weeks. Normally, Khadija would take care of the house, but, she's in residence. It's really affecting me especially, because I need my house to be in a balance for myself to be in a balance. I need a million things, like new headphones, and a haircut, but I have no money. And I hate the way it feels, it's a really sucky feeling.

H has to go back to the US this year. I can't even tell you how much I'll miss him. t's like, the moment that thought comes in my head, my heart drops to my stomach. He's going for so long, for 6 months. He told me he didn't want to go, he would miss his family, Pakistan, me. I don't want him to go either. But it's something that has to be done, to get his official blue passport. I don't want to think about it much, because it'll make me sad.

Tomorrow is the start of a new week,and it's going to be odd day. Since my sister snatched most of my clothes, I'm thinking of just wearing a lot of jewelry. That's odd enough. Lol. I'm going to make the most out of this week, socially, religiously, and academically. I want to be active in my life and I want to make myself feel better and be a better person.

Cheers. I hope everyone is doing better than I am. :)

Random.

Today has honestly been one of the weirdest days of my life. Start from the beginning,let's?

I slept at 3am, to wake at 6am feeling extremely groggy and not in the mood at all to attend college. I almost always feel that way, so I just selected clothes at random and threw them on. I look ridiculous, to say the least. 

First class was Histology practical. I waited outside the Histology lab till 8:05am, wondering why they weren't opening the doors, to find out that there was going to be an exam there, and I was due in another classroom. I do NOT like being this disoriented so early in the morning. So I attended that class, which was horrible, because I didn't know the answers to any of the teacher's questions, and the practical was so hard to draw that I must've erased it atleast 10 times before I got it right. Even then, I didn't complete it, and I needed to borrow someone else's journal to finish it.

Now, I'm carrying a bag which has my laptop in it, and two Histology journals. I go to the lecture hall, and it's a Biochemistry lecture. This went fairly alright, it really made me angry that I couldn't see the projector screen. The reason behind that is because I didn't put my contacts on today. The reason behind THAT is because on of the lenses is severely irritating me,and I came home to a fully bloodshot eye. It's still not clear, and it burn occasionally. I need a new left lens. Then, after Biochemistry was General Anatomy, which I almost always never attend nowadays, because it is an easy lecture, all you have to do is read from the textbook. So me and A cut class, and sat in the lawn to finish up our work. She was doing Biochemistry, and I was doing Histology. Thankfully, I got it done, and then me and her went across the street to get some 'real' food to eat (I say real because the canteen food is rubbish). Oh, and before sitting in the lawn, I got really sick and had to go to the bathroom. Feeling much better, I joined A.

After we came back from getting our things, we enter our college, and there is some sort of a riot going on, people shouting, and a crowd around this guy. Apparently, there was a strike for increasing the pay of the residents working in the hospital. Freaked me out, to say the least.

After that, we had a 2 hour dissection class. The first thing that put me off was the smell of the Dissection Hall. It was actually really bad today, and I don't know why. I've been here two months, and I've always been able to tolerate the smell, but not today. To add fuel to the fire, I wanted to go through identification of the course for my next substage,which was the back of the leg and the sole of the foot. But damn it, everyone crowded around that one leg, it was impossible to get around it. When I finally decided to assert myself and tell everybody to move, I only got my id done within 5 minutes, not enough time to absorb and remember. Then I had to move on. I tried to look for something else I could do, because I want to do well in this substage, and I saw a teacher doing the ankle and the tibiofibular joint. But the moment I reached there, once again, it crowded up, and I was in no mood to push people physically. I was holding a 4 pound bag for Christ's sake. Not to self: Bring a lighter bag tomorrow.

So, I didn't learn as much as I wanted to in that class. S met up with me about ten minutes later and we went across the street because she wanted to get chocolate. When we came back and sat on the lawn, the topic slowly steered towards H, and she began to ask me very personal questions about him. I did not feel comfortable, and answered as vaguely as I could. That made me feel really weird, you can't imagine.

She left, and it was almost time for my bus to come. At that moment, Haf called me up to tell me that I had to pick up my pot and spoons from the canteen, the ones that I brought for the funfair. Oh shit. I literally had to take all of this home, through the bus (in which I fell asleep with my head lolling by the way) in a rickshaw, and now, mercifully, I am home.

I don't know why I wrote a whole blog post about it, I just needed to feel some semblance of ''better'', because I feel like the day just whooshed by and I didn't even do anything, and if things go too fast like that I feel like I have no hold over it and I lose control and feel extremely insecure, and overwhelmed.

I have loads of studying to do, and I plan on sticking to it tonight. Last night I planned on studying, but...the Oscars was on. :P It was great this year. 

I will go take a well deserved nap, and try to regain control over the night of March 1st. I hope everybody ad a better day than I did!