2012 began with me eating peanuts at my cousin's place. And it continued on with talking to H all night. In fact, that was the last time we talked on the phone. Because despite the long discussion and me talking about everything I could possible remember, we both did have to go back to our lives the next day. Work for him, college for me.
It was horrifying. Every time you try to make someone understand about how you're feeling, you immediately assume that things are going to be better the next day. No matter how old you are, that expectation is always there. You expect an apology for the way you were being treated, you expect more attention, more appreciation. Just more notice, really. And I waited all day, and none of that came. I don't know. If I question it, in the end I'll turn out to be the demanding one. Apparently, he doesn't think it's necessary to do all those things. Bring it all back. So the first day of the New Year practically went by in a very anxious and crazed state.
I hated feeling that way, hated feeling like he had some sort of control over me. I am not comfortable with that feeling anymore, not since ''the switch''. I don't think anybody should be, I think everybody should feel comfortable with themselves,and if they don't get to talk to a certain person, or meet him/her, it should just be a bump in the road, not a full out bawling session that makes you freeze in time. A bump in the road, and then you move on. Because the only thing life guarantees is that you'll move on. Not love, or happiness, or money.
I'll write more about him + me later, when my mind is in that mode. It's not right now.
This winter, I am obsessed with boots. Slouch, heel, wedge, I love them all. I thought if I bought one pair of boots, I'd be satisfied, since they are...um...expensive. But I bought a pair, and now I want more. The American in our group, S, wore THE hottest knee length brown suede boots today. I was in love with them.
I can't wait until I actually feel like getting dressed up in the morning, and then wearing my new boots. My new sex-ay boots!
I'm turning more and more into a girly girl each day. I like it.
I don't have any New Year resolutions. I dislike the whole concept of it. Why do people wait till the beginning of each year to make promises? I do it all year round. If I find something wrong with me, or something I don't like, or if I make a mistake, be it February, March, or October, I make a resolution there and then. A New Year could be a good excuse to make MORE resolutions, but everyone should have a set of standards of principles which they live by, which is only made from making resolutions.
So yeah. No definite resolutions that I actually sat down and thought about. But I do want to study harder this year. And get much better grades. I'm working on that. Taking as many notes as possible, making sure that I have work completed for the next day. First substage is coming up, and I haven't prepared a word, but now that we've learned a huge chunk of the course, I feel pretty stable. I feel like I can get it done.
And, as usual, I want to feel content with my life. I want to feel like my life is under my control, not that other factors are controlling me.
I'm going to eat something, and then probably maybe not too sure might get a nap. And then study. Sleeping in winters is awesome. Hope everybody's having a great start to their year (:
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