Sleepy.

I don't like sacrificing my sleep for anything, so being awake at this time right now even though I'm home by 3pm isn't comfortable. But I'm hungry. :/ So I'm waiting for food, after which I will only sleep for a little while. Mattar keema <3

Is it just me or do winters make a person really, really lazy? I can't even study without the blanket over me and the heater on. 

Today I wore my favorite oversized sweater to college today. It was funny, because I wear it only at home, and it's funny looking, and really big. But apparently, when you pair it up with jeans and sneakers, it doesn't look half bad. I plan on wearing it to college more often, on the days where I just don't feel like opening my closet.

A 3rd year of friend of mine said something today which lingered in my mind and made me think about it all the way home. She just began to study the procedures of autopsy, and postmortem. She was weirdly sullen in the bus today, and when I asked her what happened, she said ''We're nothing. Human beings are honestly nothing.'' She was really affected by seeing a fresh dead body. Contrary to what people believe, dissection class is not as scary as it looks. And the bodies aren't scary at all. A little gross maybe, especially when you accidentally touch it with ungloved hands, but the bodies are embalmed and preserved and drained and what not, so they look more fake than real. She told me that looking at a body who died just a day or two ago is much more depressing than dissection. And then we began a long winded talk about how yesterday we were something else, tomorrow we'll do something else, and then one day we die. And no matter how much it strikes you straight in the face, death never actually seems like a real possibility. Is it denial? Do we not want to believe that death is real, that we have to go to our graves too? Is it fear? Ignorance?

I get these doses of breath-stopping, heart-racing fear about death from time to time. And currently I'm in one now too. There's no point in any of us being proud about anything we own or have or can have. Because yesterday we were just a clot of blood, and tomorrow we'll be dust. And nobody knows it better than doctors, who learns exactly how the body works. There are days where I'm literally AMAZED at how stuff happens, it's like everything is so perfectly balance, like if even one thing goes wrong, we could die. Yet people live for years and years. 

So, prayer began again. The doses of fear are good for this. And I'm glad :) Remembering death does not make you a morbid person, nor are you suffering from depression. It's realization of the fact that you, like every other person in the world, have to go. Some people find true love; others acquire so much wealth; there are people who have never experienced true happiness. Our stories in this life are really different, but they all end the same. We all have to go. So instead of panicking about it, just accept it and prepare for it. My two cents on the matter.

I liked the day today in college. We have the Welcome Party coming up, and it'll be fun- I hope. And then a trip too. But before any of that, me and a few FSc friends will be going to another friend's university to surprise her for her birthday this Thursday. I love reunions :) And there aren't any tests in the near future in college, so life will be going pretty smoothly for awhile.

The ''death'' thoughts also made me think of H. I'm here, wasting all this time thinking about issues that we can solve, discussions we need to have. When I could just enjoy talking to him. True, those matters need to be discussed too, whatever problems we have. But now I'm feeling like they'll all sort themselves out in their own due time, that we don't have a deadline for it, then why am I forcing it? Last night's talk was arguably one of the best I've had in a long time. Sometimes, he's great just to have around as a friend. No ''I love you's'' and ''I'll do anything for you''. Just perverted jokes and talking about our days and laughing. I think, more than anything else, I was less afraid to lose him as my significant other, and more worried about losing a friend. Because if you strip it all down to it, I run to him as my best friend. So I'm only going to let the matters work out when they crop up in conversation. I'm going into every phone conversation with an unplanned agenda and an open mind and heart. I still have resentment and contempt inside me,about many things (least of all the fact that he has begun smoking again) but it's sort of tamed for now. For now.