Starry.

I feel lucky today. I missed a day of college, I was too tired to get up in the morning, and I was already hating myself for it, for having to miss so much work. But it turns out, barely anything happened today. Magazine meeting got cancelled. Behavioural Sciences class didn't begin. And a friend did my proxy in Biochem tutorial. So it was technically like I was there, whereas I was actually stocking up my sleep hours.

But still, I have a lot of work to do, I have a substage to prepare for. I feel like I'm semi-serious this year. I pay attention in class, but don't bother revising any of it when I get home. It's the weather, everybody just wants t get inside their warm comforters and do NOTHING else. Like me. After this post, I will go upstairs and study Scalp, Temple, and Face. 

And then go to the tailor's and give him some adjustments for my clothes.

I love new clothes. I also love how aware fashion has become here in Pakistan. How trends are being set. Me and my sister spent 3 hours scoping the bazaar, looking for the best steals and buying what we could. Walking for 3 hours takes its toll on you. Reason for why I was too tired to get up for college today. But still, I musn't get carried away, and start skipping college whenever I want. I may not be this lucky again.

I think I'm slowly going back to who I really am, with everyone. I'm not changing to suit different people's liking, I'm doing what I can to be truly me.

I've also had the realization that even though me and H both know how much we've distanced, and that there is a communication gap, there is honestly nothing we can do about it. It sounds like defeat, doesn't it? I know. Because, once again, we have to let it all go, we have to attend to the world, not to each other. Not right now. Letting go wouldn't hurt so much or be this big of a deal had I really known how H was feeling. If I really knew that he did want to spend time with me, but can't. But that's the thing. I don't know. I don't know how he feels about all this, about when plans get cancelled, or we can't talk on the phone. Is that loss of trust? Me not trusting him to feel what I feel? Or not trusting him to feel anything at all?

If I knew, if I was more secure in knowing that this had a future, that it was going to last, I'd be okay with letting go for awhile. And he never fails to reassure me that this DOES have a future. But it's kind of going into a doubt now, like our relationship is a shadow. There's nothing concrete or definite about it. But with telling our family, or getting something done, there will be some confirmation to it. I'm not afraid that he'll just leave out of nowhere, abandon me. I fear that we'll both act like strangers when it's finally time to build our life together. That when he's gotten what he's needed out of his job, when his family is ready, we won't be. We'll have forgotten what it's like to be around each other, to spend time together. This is the fear. I have given my fear a definition.

Writing this all down gives me more things to talk about with him. And so I shall, whenever we can talk.

Till then, I have to continue living my life and see what rewards I can make out of mundane things.