Vulnerabililty.

Okay NO.

SHIT IS NOT WORKING OUT.

I slept for a full 12 hours last night. 3am to 3pm. And I woke up with a pounding headache and a body that just refused to unstiffen. I mean, what the hell? Whatever happened to fresh early mornings, where you feel all relaxed and awake?

And I don't want to take a shower, because the water heater's temperature needle is broken, so Dad is not turning it on, and winters have already begun, and it's cold. Not REALLY cold, but cold enough that I want hot water. I'm a huge nakhre wali. Fulfill my nakhre.

I cannot study until everything is just right. Until I've eaten, and I've showered, and most importantly, I've rested. 

I tried studying today. Physicochemical properties of Biochem. Easiest chapter of the whole subject. But I never got round to studying it before, so I figured I'd just give it a look through in these holidays. Biochem is totally the kind of subject that you can study for a few days before the exam, you don't need to go all ninja and study weeks in advance, like you need to do for Physio and Anatomy. Or is that just how I think? :/ I don't know. I've been in touch with the subject the whole year, so it seems really do-able. 

I AM NOT FREAKIN OUT AT ALL ABOUT PROFS. AND THAT IS FREAKIN ME OUT. 

I have a schedule and everything, I'm just not following it. I need to hit my head. I need motivation. I need an Oreo cupcake.

A part of me (the control freak part) keeps on telling myself that I will go into full panic-study-motivation mode when it's the proper time. But the other part is saying that I have all this time on my hands, WHAT DO I DO WITH IT?! The internet gets boring after awhile. And TV is very limited. I'm broke as hell. And all the friends I want to hang out with are busy. So do I keep on making stupid schedules and then not even following them? Ugh. I feel lost, confused, disoriented. It's a feeling I'm not used to, nor do I like. It makes me feel ew. 

First things first: I gotta get my sleeping schedule back on track. I have to sleep for about 9 hours a day, MAX. And sleep at the proper times too. Once that's settled, and I stop waking up with pounding headaches, then I can study properly again. So I'll just wait for that.

Ending this with an amazing quote I heard yesterday.

''When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.
~ Madeleine L'Engle