Today, and yesterday, and about two weeks before that as well, life has been really weird.
I probably have not been giving it so much importance in my blog, but I'm ill. And lately, it's been happening all the time. It started a few days before my stage. Everytime I sat down to study, my head would start feeling really heavy and dull- not exactly tired, but drowsy. I dismissed the thought and assumed it was because I was bored of studying so much all the time (lol).
Oh! Before I go further, let me just say that the stage result is here! :D And I passed! I got 117/200. It sounds bad, because it's only 60% but it really isn't. In med school, you have to maintain a passing grade, and if you get really good marks, that's great, but normally everybody gets average. Med school is kind of an equalizer in the whole GPA thing. Even the best of the best get average marks once in awhile, and that's kinda cool. There is still a whole competitive streak, but it's not fierce, it's more friendly. But I will still not use the ''average-marks-are-okay-in-med-school'' excuse to get away with how bad the result is. I know, okay? It was because of the whole drowsiness episode that was happening to me while preparing for the stage.
So, I have been eating like I normally do, sometimes a lot, sometimes not so much. It never affected me too much, unless I was super hungry, then my body would feel totally useless. If you've seen the pictures I've posted up in previous blog posts, you'll see that...I'm not exactly on the healthy side. In fact, I'm pretty thin. And I always have been, throughout all my teen years (no bulimic phase thank God) and even now. I've resigned to the fact that I'll probably always be this way, and I don't make any particular effort to gain weight.
Today, when I woke up I was already feeling dizzy, but I attributed that to waking up so early. By the time I was in the bus, without eating breakfast, my left arm and leg were starting to grow numb, which is my personal symptom of needing food, and badly. As I got to college, I bought some cookies and orange juice, and downed it. The first class, Biochemistry tutorial, went horrible. I was dazed and tired and out of mind and slow, and I was getting irritated at everything, the fan, my hair, my friends' stupid laughter. After that class, it was Physiology lecture, which started okay, but near the end, the same thing started to happen. Tiredness, dazing out.
Something was seriously wrong.
I decided not to attend the lecture after Physio (it was Histology) and I asked A if she would skip class with me and she said yes. As we were walking in the hall, and we stopped at the notice board, my legs started shaking. No, seriously. My leg muscles felt like Jell-O, they were shaking and wobbling. At first I thought it was an earthquake, but then I didn't see anyone else freaking out, and I knew it was me. Apparently, I had gotten so weak that my body was now reacting very negatively. By some superhuman strength, me and A went across the street to get food. I had two pizza slices, juice, and chocolate. I felt better after that, but that was a very scary moment, and something that made me realize that I really am putting my body through hell by not having breakfast in the morning.
When I came home, I told my mom what happened (with a few exaggerations lol). She started worrying like crazy and proceeded to stuff my face with food the whole day. After I woke up from my nap, I had a small lunch/dinner, and then began to study for my Physiology viva + written test on Saturday.
And there it started happening again. My head feeling heavy, drowsiness, even some pain, eyes closing.
What is wrong with me?
I had a glass of milk, cookies. Still the same. I started studying while laying down, and that seemed to make SOME difference, atleast. Then I took a break and went downstairs to interact with my family. That made all the difference in the world, my head instantly cleared up. When I came upstairs, I was able to complete the chapter I had to study today. But now as I'm writing this blog post, my head is beginning to hurt again. :/
I'm half afraid I'll die in my sleep tonight.
I must start eating properly, it's not even a choice anymore, it's a necessity. And the works, meaning a full breakfast, eggs, milk, lots of food during the day. Does anyone know what could be happening to me? Yes, I'm studying to be a doctor and I don't even know.
Besides that, my day has been really weird. I'm just so occupied with this affliction of mine that I'm not noticing. Today is one of my closest friend's birthday, and me and her friends from college are planning a surprise party for her. Normally, I would be excited and be planning on what to wear, but I'm not that excited. I'm still going though. Lol. There's gonna be cake.
I'm going to see a doctor tomorrow.
I hope everybody is doing better than me. Truly.
March 25, 2011
March 22, 2011
A good change.
So after a long time, I finally changed my layout. :) It's going to sound so bratty, but I'm still not satisfied with it. I need a weekend to look through headers, decide the color scheme, because orange isn't really my thing to be honest. Lol. But I couldn't stand seeing my previous layout any longer, it's been too long. :P
Also, I've decided to increase the font. I like the small cute font, but even my best friend Mehreen doesn't read my blog anymore because she has to strain herself. So,bigger and better. :)
I am so hungry. Very hungry, in fact. I'm waiting for my brother to bring me food. I'm so hungry, that I can't even talk, even though my khala (my mother's sister) is here as a guest to visit my mom and see how she is doing.
I literally can't speak.
I really want to eat something and then get some sleep.
This will be a picture post:
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| S sitting in front today. She didn't want to sit between us because she said she would be too hot. |
March 21, 2011
This too shall pass...but when?
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| 3 bowls of coffee ice cream with chocolate chips and chocolate sprinkles, and three glasses of Coke. Honestly the highlight of my Sunday. |
I normally love Sundays, but one big con is that I'm free and idle most of the time. And that gives way to very painful and hurting thoughts.
Mostly about him.
I remember everything. About how simpler life was back then, in the beginning of the whole commitment. About how he could easily, and willingly, come to meet me whenever he pleased, how he remembered simple dates and reminded me of them with gestures. My birthday. Our anniversary.
Now.
It's all really strange. When I voice it out to somebody (usually when they ask about him) it makes me sound like he's this lying, cheating, not-caring-about-me person.
Like what happened today, when my friend I was over (she and him were classmates back in school)
I: How's H?
Me: Oh, he's fine.
I: When did you guys meet last time?
Me: Um, it's been awhile.
I: Why?
Me: Because he works now, we can only meet when he gets off work.
I: Oh. What did he give you for Valentine's Day?
Me: Nothing, he wasn't here for Valentine's Day, so we didn't celebrate it (but this struck me hard. Why DIDN'T he give me anything? We could've celebrated it when he came back from Islamabad. He could've thought to make it up to me. Something, anything to prove that he wanted me to feel better or make me happy. A gift. A rose. A meeting.)
I: Hm. Are you going to sleep now?
Me: No, I'm going to study some more.
I: Isn't he going to call?
Me: *heart panging* Um, yeah. (No, he wasn't going to. Not likely anyway. But I didn't want her to know that)
I: Why isn't he calling then?
Me: because he apparently doesn't have time for me anymore. Because we're growing apart. Because it's not midnight yet. He'll call after midnight.
I: Okay.
I know everyone reading this must be thinking that I should be hating on her, but I'm not. She was just asking innocently, she doesn't know if we have problems or not, in fact, she is the last person I'll ever tell.
It all hurts now. Everything. And I want to be so angry at him, but I won't, and I can't. Why should I, so he can berate me for not being understanding again?
He doesn't call me at night because he needs to sleep because he has work the next day. I have college the next day too. Okay no wait, I get more sleep than him because of my afternoon nap.
He doesn't meet me anymore. Because in th daytime, he has work till 5pm, and then when he gets home, he has to attend to his
He bluntly told me three days ago that we couldn't talk at night anymore. And no, I didn't throw a tantrum like everyone expected me to. I told him I understand, and I want him fresh and alert for work. I did feel that way at that moment. Really. Now I don't though.
Can I just ask, to this random realm of Blogspot, to anyone reading this, how he expects to maintain this relationship if he can't give me time? Yes, things get tough, yes, we all have to struggle, but...there's really nothing that you will do to keep this alive? Just allow life to flow with you flowing with it, and not make an effort to meet, or talk, or ANYTHING? Anything at all. Anything. Even a random call in the middle of the day, or something to prove to me that you want this as much as I do. I did.
I've already cemented myself to believe that this will last as long as it will last. And if it ends for one reason or the other, then it was bound to happen, and there's nothing either one of us could do about it. There's no need to get emotional. He does not supply the oxygen I need to breathe.
He's just the only man I've ever loved in my life. And he was my first everything.
He told me that he would come over to my place again while Kt was at residence, so that there would be no interefence. How can I explain to him how happy that statement made me, and further yet, how can I explain how killed inside I was when he never mentioned it again, especially after Kt came back? Not in a call, nor a text. Did he even remember? Did it even matter to him?
And then I remembered the whole Valentine Day fiasco.
And then I remembered that he told me we might be able to meet on Saturday.
Today is Sunday.
He sounds really non-loving/non-caring, doesn't he? I know.
Tomorrow is the start of a new week and the start of me being busy again. Then I will surround myself with the friends that make me laugh, and the teachers who teach us, and my family who is so supportive and strong, and will always be my strongest core.
Oh, by the way, Mom is out of surgery, at home, feeling much better. Alhamdulillah. :) She needs about 1-2 months bed rest, getting up only to go to the bathroom, and occasionally to the lounge to sit and stuff. I've explained to her that it's only 2 months of patience, after which she will start to walk again, which will be a huge blessing. :)
From tomorrow, I will make this the most productive week of my year so far (including all the other oncoming weeks too). I will pray, and study, and take care of my family. And busy myself.
I have so much more to my life that I need to focus on, because like I said before, there is always a bigger picture.
There's one thing that fixes everything in my life though: Knowing that I'll go back to America one day. :)
Also, I want to change my blog layout, but for that I need time, and suggestions. Any ideas? I like mine being simple, but now it's getting a little boring. I'm going to mix and match some colors and fonts, but not size. I love this size :)
Have a great week everybody!
March 19, 2011
Sieve.
I have good news, and bad news.
The good news is, our money situation is solved to a more or less extent. It felt really good, to know that we can afford some things now, because I seriously felt really...impoverished. And it's not a good feeling. I wonder how people below the Poverty line feel.
Also, Kt came back yesterday! :D That is definitely a cause for celebration, as the house felt empty without her (though I will never admit it to her). I assumed the role of older sister and basically unpacked her two suitcases. I knew she's never do it, being in residence wouldn't have taught her responsibility, lol.
The bad news is, now that we have money, we were definitely thinking of the first priority in our list: Mom's surgery. Mom left with Dad for the hospital this morning at 10am for the surgery. And by the time I came back home, I learned that the procedure is already underway. So as of this moment, my mother has taken the first step to getting better. After that will be a two week proper bed rest, and treatment, and inshAllah, hoping for the complete best, her wound will be gone and she will be as good as new. :) It's really impatient, waiting here at home for news. Even Dad said that he doesn't know how long the surgery will take, because he didn't meet the doctor, they just wheeled her in the Operation Room. Please pray for her well being and successful surgery and treatment. It would mean the world to me when this will be cured :)
This week was probably the first week in a long time where I've attended college for all 6 days. Lol. I normally skip a day, or for some reason or the other, a holiday is called, like next week on Wednesday, it's Pakistan Day. It felt good to attend college today, because Saturday is the day I miss the most, and when I woke up that morning, I was feeling that same Saturday dread again, but I literally forced myself to get up and go. And it worked, though I looked ridiculous in some outfit I concocted in 15 seconds.
I'm really tired, and hungry. I'm desperately waiting for my mother to come home, and I can't think of anything else besides that. I need to study as well, we began upper limb today, and even though it is tough, it is not as tough as the lower limb, the one I did before, so it's all good. I learned this new technique where I could record some of the important lectures that I want on my phone, which has really proved useful, as I have 60 minutes worth of recording time, and I recorded all of Physiology, which is a really tough subject that you cannot just learn by rote, you really need to understand it. Tonight, I'll play it back and re-learn everything I learned today.
This is A's drawing. She calls a baby ''bibby'', because that's how our blood Physio teacher pronounces it. I swear, I've been in this country for 8 years, and it STILL surprises me how people could get so many pronounciations wrong. Not funny. Like solubility is ''saalability'', with emphasis on ''t''. It's crazy, but yet a continuous source of laughter for us friends.
It's eyes are so huge!
I don't feel like writing anymore. When I do, I'll know where to come to.
The good news is, our money situation is solved to a more or less extent. It felt really good, to know that we can afford some things now, because I seriously felt really...impoverished. And it's not a good feeling. I wonder how people below the Poverty line feel.
Also, Kt came back yesterday! :D That is definitely a cause for celebration, as the house felt empty without her (though I will never admit it to her). I assumed the role of older sister and basically unpacked her two suitcases. I knew she's never do it, being in residence wouldn't have taught her responsibility, lol.
The bad news is, now that we have money, we were definitely thinking of the first priority in our list: Mom's surgery. Mom left with Dad for the hospital this morning at 10am for the surgery. And by the time I came back home, I learned that the procedure is already underway. So as of this moment, my mother has taken the first step to getting better. After that will be a two week proper bed rest, and treatment, and inshAllah, hoping for the complete best, her wound will be gone and she will be as good as new. :) It's really impatient, waiting here at home for news. Even Dad said that he doesn't know how long the surgery will take, because he didn't meet the doctor, they just wheeled her in the Operation Room. Please pray for her well being and successful surgery and treatment. It would mean the world to me when this will be cured :)
This week was probably the first week in a long time where I've attended college for all 6 days. Lol. I normally skip a day, or for some reason or the other, a holiday is called, like next week on Wednesday, it's Pakistan Day. It felt good to attend college today, because Saturday is the day I miss the most, and when I woke up that morning, I was feeling that same Saturday dread again, but I literally forced myself to get up and go. And it worked, though I looked ridiculous in some outfit I concocted in 15 seconds.
I'm really tired, and hungry. I'm desperately waiting for my mother to come home, and I can't think of anything else besides that. I need to study as well, we began upper limb today, and even though it is tough, it is not as tough as the lower limb, the one I did before, so it's all good. I learned this new technique where I could record some of the important lectures that I want on my phone, which has really proved useful, as I have 60 minutes worth of recording time, and I recorded all of Physiology, which is a really tough subject that you cannot just learn by rote, you really need to understand it. Tonight, I'll play it back and re-learn everything I learned today.
This is A's drawing. She calls a baby ''bibby'', because that's how our blood Physio teacher pronounces it. I swear, I've been in this country for 8 years, and it STILL surprises me how people could get so many pronounciations wrong. Not funny. Like solubility is ''saalability'', with emphasis on ''t''. It's crazy, but yet a continuous source of laughter for us friends.
I don't feel like writing anymore. When I do, I'll know where to come to.
March 15, 2011
Perfect weather.
This picture is likely to freak Kratz out:
This cat is sitting on the top of my cooler outside. The criss cross of the picture is because I took it through the net that's on my window. It just kept on...staring at me. I didn't mind though, I just flashed a camera in its face, lol.
So the weather is changing very drastically here, Spring has already arrived, but it's brought along it's own share of heat too, and soon before you know it, the summers will be driving us crazy. If there's one thing I truly dislike about this country of not mine, it's the summers. The are near unbearable. Every year upto a thousand people die from from heat stroke, from working out in the sun, or if you're old and weak, from just standing at the bus stop waiting for a bus. :/ And there's actually different kinds of hot: It can be sweltering, with the wind being hotter than the air, so it feels like there's no coolness at all, or it could've rained (the ''during rain'' part is the cool part...people all around dance and play in the rain) and after the rain it'll be the humid and sticky kind of hot, where you feel like your skin is always wet. I really don't like summers here. Really.
I got really ill in the morning today, because I had a boiled egg for breakfast. I KNOW my body, I know the things I can and cannot have. First things first,breakfast doesn't agree with me, it's really rare that I'll have it (on my days off, I usually wake up past noon, but lately I've been waking up earlier due to my college schedule) but when I do, there are only a few things which suit me. It's not like I don't eat eggs at all, I love omelettes, any kind, and can make some of the best ones. THAT, I can have. But not a fried egg or a hard boiled egg. That just makes my tummy feel all icky. So that's how it was feeling today on the bus stop, and I really, desperately wanted to run back home, but I decided to be strong, and to control myself, and to wait till I get to college to fix things. It worked. My stomach queased on and off in the bus, and when I got to college, I felt loads better. See, problem solved, and I didn't even have to whine about it. I was actually very proud of myself. :)
Today was Histology practical. And I did something today which I should've started doing since the beginning of college, and now I'm severely regretting it. In Histology, before the teacher comes in, there are 3-5 microscopes on each long table, and in each one there is a slide of what you are going to study and draw today. Normally, I just look through them to get an idea, but today, I decided to focus my camera into the lens (it was so hard, you have to keep moving around till you get the right picture, and sometimes it even goes blank) and take a picture of each slide. The reason why I'm regretting not doing this earlier is because there is a certain test called ''spotting'' in this subject (which is coming up in the week following the 16th of April) where you have to look at a slid and determine what type of tissue it is. If I had taken pictures of everything I would've been able to do that! How silly of me. I will take pictures from now on. And try to recover some past slides, from either someone, or to ask the teacher to put them back on the microscope again.
Here they are:
This cat is sitting on the top of my cooler outside. The criss cross of the picture is because I took it through the net that's on my window. It just kept on...staring at me. I didn't mind though, I just flashed a camera in its face, lol.
So the weather is changing very drastically here, Spring has already arrived, but it's brought along it's own share of heat too, and soon before you know it, the summers will be driving us crazy. If there's one thing I truly dislike about this country of not mine, it's the summers. The are near unbearable. Every year upto a thousand people die from from heat stroke, from working out in the sun, or if you're old and weak, from just standing at the bus stop waiting for a bus. :/ And there's actually different kinds of hot: It can be sweltering, with the wind being hotter than the air, so it feels like there's no coolness at all, or it could've rained (the ''during rain'' part is the cool part...people all around dance and play in the rain) and after the rain it'll be the humid and sticky kind of hot, where you feel like your skin is always wet. I really don't like summers here. Really.
I got really ill in the morning today, because I had a boiled egg for breakfast. I KNOW my body, I know the things I can and cannot have. First things first,breakfast doesn't agree with me, it's really rare that I'll have it (on my days off, I usually wake up past noon, but lately I've been waking up earlier due to my college schedule) but when I do, there are only a few things which suit me. It's not like I don't eat eggs at all, I love omelettes, any kind, and can make some of the best ones. THAT, I can have. But not a fried egg or a hard boiled egg. That just makes my tummy feel all icky. So that's how it was feeling today on the bus stop, and I really, desperately wanted to run back home, but I decided to be strong, and to control myself, and to wait till I get to college to fix things. It worked. My stomach queased on and off in the bus, and when I got to college, I felt loads better. See, problem solved, and I didn't even have to whine about it. I was actually very proud of myself. :)
Today was Histology practical. And I did something today which I should've started doing since the beginning of college, and now I'm severely regretting it. In Histology, before the teacher comes in, there are 3-5 microscopes on each long table, and in each one there is a slide of what you are going to study and draw today. Normally, I just look through them to get an idea, but today, I decided to focus my camera into the lens (it was so hard, you have to keep moving around till you get the right picture, and sometimes it even goes blank) and take a picture of each slide. The reason why I'm regretting not doing this earlier is because there is a certain test called ''spotting'' in this subject (which is coming up in the week following the 16th of April) where you have to look at a slid and determine what type of tissue it is. If I had taken pictures of everything I would've been able to do that! How silly of me. I will take pictures from now on. And try to recover some past slides, from either someone, or to ask the teacher to put them back on the microscope again.
Here they are:
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| Elastic artery. |
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| Arteriole. |
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| Muscular artery. |
I swear, I still can't tell the difference. The test is going to be tough. I don't even know why I put these up. Hopefully, all you reading find this slightly interesting. Because I do. But that's just me.
Then we had Biochemistry lecture in the LH (lecture hall). It was okay, I zoned in and out but atleast I knew what she was teaching, it's not like I was totally blanked. Then after that, we were supposed to have Embryology, but the Histo teacher came in and we had that instead. I really wanted to attend Enbryology, as this was going to be the second lecture, and I didn't get to attend the first one because I didn't come to college last Friday. This subject makes me feel like what I'm learning is actually making me be a doctor. Everyone has told me, including my cousins who are now doctors, that for the first two years of med school, it's all classroom work and you won't feel like you're becoming a doctor, it'll feel like any old regular college degree. Third year is when the fun begins, when you'r coming home late from the wards at the hospital every night, and applying everything you learned. So, I really can't wait for that, because the classroom stuff isn't exactly boring me, but it's making me feel limited. I didn't come here so I could feel like I am doing FSc again, or school. I came here to become a doctor. And inshAllah, I will be :) A good one.
I'm in F Batch, and today B and C batched had their Stage viva (mine is the day after tomorrow) so we had noon to 2 free, and I went home early. Napped, woke at 4:40pm, and now here I am, online. I am starving, my stomach is actually cramping from hunger, I'm not kidding. My parents aren't home, so I'm going to go scavenger the kitchen for food. There has to be SOMETHING.
My sister is coming home from residence on Friday! I'm really excited, 3 weeks has been long enough, seriously. The house feels so weird without her, I mean, it's like I've been living someone else's life for awhile. Hopefully, things in our house will return to some state of order once she comes back. Mainly because she can cook, and Mom can't walk, so that's a big plus point for the house. We've been living on milk and rusk and yogurt for 2 weeks.
Mom has to have her surgery by this week. It's not that she's in danger, but we all want her to get better. We're delaying it, because...no money. Seriously no money, and it makes me so angry that we can't get half the things we want because we're rally tight on cash. We go to Makro once, even twice a month for grocery shopping, and stock up like crazy. I haven't been to Makro in 3-4 months (with my family, atleast, and honestly, it's more fun with them) On the days Mom doesn't feel like cooking, we either go out to eat, or order food in, and we haven't done that in forever. It's even hard to ask my Dad for a hundred rupees, my ATM is empty, and I have no pocket money. Pray for us, people. :( The house is really disordered.
I have a Physiology practical to complete, I have to study for my viva, and I have to write a Physio assignment. Needed to list it all down so that I could know exactly how to divide my time. InshAllah it'll all be done by midnight or 1am tonight :)
I hope everybody had a great Tuesday! Comments are totally welcome, even if they're about whales.
March 14, 2011
Exhale.
I love today.
I love today because the stage is finally over.
And not just that...my viva is not till the 17th, so I literally have today to just relax and breathe, and it feels so good. :)
Okay, so today was the stage. The day itself was weird, but if there was one thing I liked, it's that I was really fresh when I woke up. I guess the three days at home really suited me. I woke up bright and alert, wore a random pair of jeans and a pink shirt, and for the first time since I began med college, I didn't wear a sweater. And good thing too, because in the afternoon, it became so hot, almost unbearable. We actually turned on the fans in the lecture hall.
So the first class was Physiology tutorial, in which I didn't study a single word, nobody did. We all just sat for 2 hours and prepared for our stage. I had already done everything, I was just revising it one more time. Then after that we had a Physio lecture in the lecture hall. I was the first one to enter the lecture hall today, and seeing it empty, I took a few pictures.
The girl sitting there is a friend, who came in with me. I have really mixed feelings towards her, she's a cool person to talk to occasionally, but I don't like hanging out with her because...well...she parties too much and doesn't care about her studies at all. I don't want to sound like a nerd, because even I am not crazy about studying all the time, but she literally doesn't even bring a bag to college. Now that is weird. She just brings her Blackberry and herself. And she has honestly told me that she doesn't pay attention in lectures and will pay attention at the end of the year when the Professionals come around. Well, okay, whatever suits her.
I did not pay attention to the Physio lecture either, even though I should've because the teacher teaches it so well, and this chapter already seems very confusing; it's about muscular contraction. I'm so amazed to see that it's only been 2 months since we've been here and we're already done with one limb out of three parts of the body that we have to do for Anatomy. At this rate, we'll be done with Anatomy in 6 months, and that is just in time for the Professionals. Physiology is also going really fast, we're getting through with the chapters in a blur. It's hard to believe that last month was Valentine's Day, as I can remember exactly what happened that day as if it was yesterday, thought that day sucked for me this year.
Then, the stage. I was really nervous, and I forgot to do Du'a for my paper,and it just began. The MCQ's were really tough, I am assuming that I only got 19 or 20 or 21 right out of 40, so that's barely passing. After that was the Short Essay Questions (SEQ's) which weren't tough, but there were some things I was getting confused at. My mind was not recalling things fast enough for me to write everything I could on one topic. There were two parts I didn't attempt, one I didn't know at all, and the other was a stupid silly mistake of my own. If I had studied better or paid more attention, I would've gotten better marks. But the thing is, in all honesty, I really did understand everything about this limb,it wasn't just rote or textbook learning, and inshAllah, it will stay in my head and help in learning the new limb, which is the Upper Limb, and that'll begin on Monday.
Academically, there are still tests coming up. My Biochem viva has been postponed because of it being on Pakistan Day (23rd March) so what I have after that is the Physiology test which is on the 26th of March. Then my first substage of the upper limb on 30th March,and then spring break from April 1-8th, and then Histology test on April 16th, and Histology spotting the week after that. I sort of like that they're keeping us busy with all these things, because it takes up my time. I'm definitely one of those people who gets unbidden thoughts in her head when she's left alone for too long. This point was proven when I had 9 months to myself when I was repeating the MCAT in 2010. My idle mind is the devil's home, not just the workshop. Lol.
So I'm really happy that the stage is out of the way, and today I will intentionally not study a single word so that I can just relax and not think too deeply or worry about anything. I am normally asleep around this time, in my nap, but today I am awake and blogging. Lol.
Financial situation hasn't improved at all. And it's taking a really severe toll on me. I don't think it's more about the money, but more about the fact that both my parents are so down when they tell us ''We can't buy it, because we're low on money.'' It's gotten so extreme that..we haven't paid our electricity bill, and the guy keeps coming to threaten us that he'll cut our meter. I feel so poor, and I know in reality, I am not. We have always been well off, this is just some unlucky timing, because there are a few clients of my dad's who aren't paying up, simply. Seeing my dad sit at home all the time, and smoke up so many cigarettes because he's tense, breaks my heart. Anyone reading this post, please do pray for me and my family, and pray that Dad gets more contracts and the men who owes him money will pay him back soon. From one Muslim to another :)
Me and H are basically alright now. I mean it when I say ''basically'', because internally I'm not satisfied totally, but hey, sometimes you gotta give. After I wrote the previous blog post, he texted me at 9:45pm, all nonchalant, saying ''I'm at Makro, what are you doing?'' and I didn't reply back. I didn't want to, I was still so furious by what he texted me, because none of what he wrote was true. I am NOT living in a fantasy world, and he doesn't know how hard I've tried to stay happy just for the sake of others. He's just assuming that I'm being a spoiled brat because I can and I have nothing hard to deal with in this life. I didn't plan on talking to him at night either, truly. I studied how much I was supposed to study, and by 2am, I was asleep. Then, out of nowhere at 2:20am, I was getting a call from him. I guess he understood that I wasn't ready to talk to him just yet, and even while the phone was ringing, I was debating whether to pick it up or not. I did. We talked. Rather, I yelled and raged, while he listened. The conversation stated out innocently enough, just talking about or days, when I broke through the silence and said ''You know, I can't pretend like everything is normal when it really isn't'', and he said ''Yeah, I know, let's talk about it'', and that fired me up immediately. So it didn't matter enough to him that he was going to mention it himself? Anyways, not going into messy details, I told him everything I was feeling, and he told me that right now he feels like his life is severely messed up, and when I asked him what he was thinking at one point, he said ''I'm thinking about what I should make as my priority. Because to tell you the truth, I don't have any priorities right now.'' So, we ended the call then.
Then, the next call was last night. We talked for a little while, mainly because he was so tired, but it was a pretty successful conversation. Right after the ''fight'' mode, I kind of go back to being friends with him for awhile, because he seriously does hurt me at times, and I don't just jump back to being all lovey dovey again. It needs to build up to that, and starting at a friendship level is the best way. And it's a normal mechanism I use. I know it truly sounds like H is a horrible person, but you must remember, this is my blog and therefore, my side of the story. You haven't heard his. His life is pretty crazy too, and no matter what has happened, no matter how angry he's gotten, he's never once bailed out on me. And even in the angriest of fights, he doesn't fail to mention about ''our'' life. So, yeah. It's all good. Fights happen, drama is almost mandatory. But if you really want something, or really care about that person to a huge extent, you'll still find some way to end up staying with them.
I have become seriously addicted to Blogger after I found so many people from Pakistan who blog! I think it is so cool, and some of them are medical students just like me! That is awesome. Although, it is also making me feel a bit paranoid about how much information I choose to reveal on here. I still haven't decided on what to do. I am now actually starting to freak out that people I know, and I dislike or don't want to read this, could be reading this blog. If someone from my relatives find this blog...I'm doomed. But I need this blog too, I need it to vent and to explain and to express. Any suggestions please on what I should do?
Okay, I did a few things. I changed my country, and my name. This will allow people to ''randomly'' stumble upon my blog and choose to read it if they wish to, but it does not allow free access to every Pakistani who wants to read my blog. For all I know, one of those Pakistanis could know me through a mutual friend. It's a small world out there, and I share a lot of personal things on my blog. Thank you Furree Katt for making me realize that I need privacy! Lol.
Today is for relaxing. Yay :D
I love today because the stage is finally over.
And not just that...my viva is not till the 17th, so I literally have today to just relax and breathe, and it feels so good. :)
Okay, so today was the stage. The day itself was weird, but if there was one thing I liked, it's that I was really fresh when I woke up. I guess the three days at home really suited me. I woke up bright and alert, wore a random pair of jeans and a pink shirt, and for the first time since I began med college, I didn't wear a sweater. And good thing too, because in the afternoon, it became so hot, almost unbearable. We actually turned on the fans in the lecture hall.
So the first class was Physiology tutorial, in which I didn't study a single word, nobody did. We all just sat for 2 hours and prepared for our stage. I had already done everything, I was just revising it one more time. Then after that we had a Physio lecture in the lecture hall. I was the first one to enter the lecture hall today, and seeing it empty, I took a few pictures.
I did not pay attention to the Physio lecture either, even though I should've because the teacher teaches it so well, and this chapter already seems very confusing; it's about muscular contraction. I'm so amazed to see that it's only been 2 months since we've been here and we're already done with one limb out of three parts of the body that we have to do for Anatomy. At this rate, we'll be done with Anatomy in 6 months, and that is just in time for the Professionals. Physiology is also going really fast, we're getting through with the chapters in a blur. It's hard to believe that last month was Valentine's Day, as I can remember exactly what happened that day as if it was yesterday, thought that day sucked for me this year.
Then, the stage. I was really nervous, and I forgot to do Du'a for my paper,and it just began. The MCQ's were really tough, I am assuming that I only got 19 or 20 or 21 right out of 40, so that's barely passing. After that was the Short Essay Questions (SEQ's) which weren't tough, but there were some things I was getting confused at. My mind was not recalling things fast enough for me to write everything I could on one topic. There were two parts I didn't attempt, one I didn't know at all, and the other was a stupid silly mistake of my own. If I had studied better or paid more attention, I would've gotten better marks. But the thing is, in all honesty, I really did understand everything about this limb,it wasn't just rote or textbook learning, and inshAllah, it will stay in my head and help in learning the new limb, which is the Upper Limb, and that'll begin on Monday.
Academically, there are still tests coming up. My Biochem viva has been postponed because of it being on Pakistan Day (23rd March) so what I have after that is the Physiology test which is on the 26th of March. Then my first substage of the upper limb on 30th March,and then spring break from April 1-8th, and then Histology test on April 16th, and Histology spotting the week after that. I sort of like that they're keeping us busy with all these things, because it takes up my time. I'm definitely one of those people who gets unbidden thoughts in her head when she's left alone for too long. This point was proven when I had 9 months to myself when I was repeating the MCAT in 2010. My idle mind is the devil's home, not just the workshop. Lol.
So I'm really happy that the stage is out of the way, and today I will intentionally not study a single word so that I can just relax and not think too deeply or worry about anything. I am normally asleep around this time, in my nap, but today I am awake and blogging. Lol.
Financial situation hasn't improved at all. And it's taking a really severe toll on me. I don't think it's more about the money, but more about the fact that both my parents are so down when they tell us ''We can't buy it, because we're low on money.'' It's gotten so extreme that..we haven't paid our electricity bill, and the guy keeps coming to threaten us that he'll cut our meter. I feel so poor, and I know in reality, I am not. We have always been well off, this is just some unlucky timing, because there are a few clients of my dad's who aren't paying up, simply. Seeing my dad sit at home all the time, and smoke up so many cigarettes because he's tense, breaks my heart. Anyone reading this post, please do pray for me and my family, and pray that Dad gets more contracts and the men who owes him money will pay him back soon. From one Muslim to another :)
Me and H are basically alright now. I mean it when I say ''basically'', because internally I'm not satisfied totally, but hey, sometimes you gotta give. After I wrote the previous blog post, he texted me at 9:45pm, all nonchalant, saying ''I'm at Makro, what are you doing?'' and I didn't reply back. I didn't want to, I was still so furious by what he texted me, because none of what he wrote was true. I am NOT living in a fantasy world, and he doesn't know how hard I've tried to stay happy just for the sake of others. He's just assuming that I'm being a spoiled brat because I can and I have nothing hard to deal with in this life. I didn't plan on talking to him at night either, truly. I studied how much I was supposed to study, and by 2am, I was asleep. Then, out of nowhere at 2:20am, I was getting a call from him. I guess he understood that I wasn't ready to talk to him just yet, and even while the phone was ringing, I was debating whether to pick it up or not. I did. We talked. Rather, I yelled and raged, while he listened. The conversation stated out innocently enough, just talking about or days, when I broke through the silence and said ''You know, I can't pretend like everything is normal when it really isn't'', and he said ''Yeah, I know, let's talk about it'', and that fired me up immediately. So it didn't matter enough to him that he was going to mention it himself? Anyways, not going into messy details, I told him everything I was feeling, and he told me that right now he feels like his life is severely messed up, and when I asked him what he was thinking at one point, he said ''I'm thinking about what I should make as my priority. Because to tell you the truth, I don't have any priorities right now.'' So, we ended the call then.
Then, the next call was last night. We talked for a little while, mainly because he was so tired, but it was a pretty successful conversation. Right after the ''fight'' mode, I kind of go back to being friends with him for awhile, because he seriously does hurt me at times, and I don't just jump back to being all lovey dovey again. It needs to build up to that, and starting at a friendship level is the best way. And it's a normal mechanism I use. I know it truly sounds like H is a horrible person, but you must remember, this is my blog and therefore, my side of the story. You haven't heard his. His life is pretty crazy too, and no matter what has happened, no matter how angry he's gotten, he's never once bailed out on me. And even in the angriest of fights, he doesn't fail to mention about ''our'' life. So, yeah. It's all good. Fights happen, drama is almost mandatory. But if you really want something, or really care about that person to a huge extent, you'll still find some way to end up staying with them.
I have become seriously addicted to Blogger after I found so many people from Pakistan who blog! I think it is so cool, and some of them are medical students just like me! That is awesome. Although, it is also making me feel a bit paranoid about how much information I choose to reveal on here. I still haven't decided on what to do. I am now actually starting to freak out that people I know, and I dislike or don't want to read this, could be reading this blog. If someone from my relatives find this blog...I'm doomed. But I need this blog too, I need it to vent and to explain and to express. Any suggestions please on what I should do?
Okay, I did a few things. I changed my country, and my name. This will allow people to ''randomly'' stumble upon my blog and choose to read it if they wish to, but it does not allow free access to every Pakistani who wants to read my blog. For all I know, one of those Pakistanis could know me through a mutual friend. It's a small world out there, and I share a lot of personal things on my blog. Thank you Furree Katt for making me realize that I need privacy! Lol.
Today is for relaxing. Yay :D
March 12, 2011
In the window.
I really did not feel like writing a blog post. I feel like just staying quiet forever. But I'm dredging myself to do this so I can atleast know a semblance of what I'm feeling.
I have my stage on Monday, and today is Saturday. I'm up to date with my studying, I just hope that I don't forget everything, and it will go well inshAllah. :) I will start study after I finish up this post.
Me and H are fighting. But it is so valid from my side, that I am quiet and just waiting. If you've been keeping up with my blog, you'll know I went through a sort of ''detachment'' phase concerning him, and it ended when he asked me to come out of it, and start relying on him and depending on him again. After thinking about it really deeply, I decided to give it all-my old self and my old way of looking at the relationship- one more chance. I wanted to anyways. I went back to normal, everything did. I told him I wouldn't hide from him anymore, and I would discuss everything I could. Because before that I had been hiding how I felt, barely talking about it, trying to be strong, and I wanted to be a little dependent on him too. But on Monday night, we were talking about how he has to go to America this summer, and stay for awhile, and it just got me sad thinking about it, and when I told him I was sad, he started this semi lecture about how I should be strong and it'll be okay, I just don't have to think about it. His attitude towards it all shocked me, and I told him so. It was like he didn't even care about leaving his country and his family, and he was expecting me to be better in an instant by saying all that. How would I feel better by him saying ''It's not like we meet a lot anyways, so just don't think I'm in another country, just think that we're not meeting, as usual.'' We ended the call, and I was really angry, and that anger stemmed from hurt.
Tuesday: He texted me in the morning, asking me why I was hurt. I replied back exactly why I was...and he ignored that and later texted me saying something else. Okay.
We didn't talk that night. The next day, in the evening, I texted him two long texts telling him that I was atleast waiting for his reply to my text, because I wanted his take on things, what his response was.
He never replied to that either. And we didn't talk that night on the phone.
The next day, Thursday, he texted me in the morning asking me why I didn't call or text him last night, and the whole day, he STILL didn't mention the texts I sent him. It was like he was deliberately ignoring me.
Friday, we talked on chat for awhile while he was at work, and I mentioned the whole thing to him again, and he didn't reply to that. When I asked him if he was deliberately ignoring me, he wrote ''yup, we'll talk about it tonight.'' At this point, I was frustrated and annoyed beyond control. First you tell me to tell you everything, and then you back out like this? And so what if I'm a little emotional, so what if I take some things seriously and you don't? Does that mean that you have to treat me like it's wrong to be hurt or to want to discuss what was wrong? I sent him two further long texts telling him that what I thought he was doing was stupid, and just because it meant shit to him doesn't mean you're supposed to treat me like it too.
He didn't reply to it. And asked to call last night. And we didn't even talk about it.
So you can imagine my annoyance right now. More like irritation. I just can't BELIEVE him right now. It just...it's not just anger, it's extreme hurt, like how could he intentionally ignore something that I say? I know I'm coming off as a little bit emotional, but you have to remember that I didn't want to be, he told me that I could rely on him and come to him for these things. And one more thing. Even if I am a tad bit more emotional than other people, so what? With the world, fuck it you know, be whoever you want. Be the strongest toughest son of a bitch they've seen. But you shouldn't have to be that way with the ones you love. You're SUPPOSED to rely on them, and need them, and want them, and tell them your problems and show them your true feelings. At the end of the day, whether you're coming home to your parents or you're coming home to your husband/wife, you're coming home to family, and family should always be like a sanctuary after a hard day. And I thought that's how I was with him, or that's how we were with each other. I wanted it to be like that 8 months ago, but when I saw how drastically his life was changing for him, how he could barely find time for anything else, not even to think, and I didn't want to be left behind in that emotional pool of ''but this is how we used to be'', and things like that. I toughened myself up, not because I wanted to, but because I needed to. If I didn't, I would've been stuck with the same hopes and dreams that I had for each other.
I became more practical and realized that there were going to be those days or months where I couldn't see him, or meet him, or talk to him. But I am NOT going to change my nature. I like who I am, I like being sensitive and compassionate, and I don't want anyone telling me that I have to learn, or I have to understand. I know Haider's like isn't going great, he's still busy, but do you know what he makes me feel like? Like a child. Like I'm just some kid who doesn't understand anything.
Today is Saturday. We texted a little bit around 2pm, and his texts were very bland, and I basically asked why his mood was off. He told me it wasn't, he only had a slight flu. I then texted him saying.
''You're the one who created this distance by not addressing matters immediately and not thinking it's a big deal when something is wrong with me. You're the one who ignored what I was saying, for whatever reasons, and didn't reply. You didn't talk about it last night. Now finally when I'm telling you what to do, you won't. I'll keep on trying to bridge this gap you've made, but I can't if you keep trying to push away. I have no idea what you think you'll achieve by ignoring it. If anything, it's only making me angrier. That you really don't care. Or else what am I supposed to think?''
I then preceded to tell him that if he didn't reply to this text, so help me, I didn't know what I would do or think. He didn't reply for about 30 minutes, and I simply wrote ''Seriously? Okay. That's all.'' He replied 15 minutes after that saying:
I can't deal with you. Honestly. You have unbelievable mood swings. You're trapped in your own fantasy of a world. You've no idea how much people behave themselves and control and bear when you've to make someone happy.''
I did not reply after that. The message he sent was severe enough that I don't want to reply. He has no idea how much I've controlled and bore. He always emphasises on himself and his life and his difficulties, without stopping to think about me and my life and my difficulties.
I'm not replying. I'm not hurt. I'm furious. And now I don't want to talk about it anymore nor do I want to talk about him. I have a lot going on in my life already at the moment:
1. We are still in deep financial trouble, a lot of it. Dad did not have anything saved up, and it hurts me so much to come downstairs and see my dad still sitting there, because he has nowhere to go. He's a contractor, he doesn't have an office, he spends all day going to different sites and stores for sanitary, marble, etc. I want to get so much done, but I can't, I don't have the heart to ask my parents for money.
2. My mom is ill, her foot hurts her every day, and we are waiting for my sister to come back so that she ca have her surgery and be put on bed rest for about 2 weeks.
3. Kt's not back :( I miss her, the house seems so dull without her, seriously. She'll be here by this Friday inshAllah. I'm sure she's anxiously waiting for that day too.
A friend suggested this video to me, it's an amazing talk about Death in Islam, and even though my eyes were already open to the idea of death, this just cemented it:
4. I know exactly what to do to make myself a better Muslim, by praying, reading the Quran, changing my habits...but I won't. I wake up, and am depressed all day. I need to take an active part in making myself a better person. I'm going to go pray and then start study for my stage.
I keep on limiting my life to just H and the things that hurt me about him, and if we fight, I become depressed for myself the whole time. I need to snap out of that and realize that there is a bigger world out there, a bigger picture, bigger options, and that he is only a part. For now atleast, I need to be away from him, because I am not going to back down from this fight, and nor am I going to talk to him. He needs to see things from my view too, not just his own, and if we end up going back to the way things were by tomorrow, I will feel indubitably weak and vulnerable and used and abused, and I don't want that. I have a vice, and I'm going to use it. I'm going to tell him everything, exactly how it is, no exaggeration. This is my life, and as long as I'm in this world, I'm going to control it.
I have my stage on Monday, and today is Saturday. I'm up to date with my studying, I just hope that I don't forget everything, and it will go well inshAllah. :) I will start study after I finish up this post.
Me and H are fighting. But it is so valid from my side, that I am quiet and just waiting. If you've been keeping up with my blog, you'll know I went through a sort of ''detachment'' phase concerning him, and it ended when he asked me to come out of it, and start relying on him and depending on him again. After thinking about it really deeply, I decided to give it all-my old self and my old way of looking at the relationship- one more chance. I wanted to anyways. I went back to normal, everything did. I told him I wouldn't hide from him anymore, and I would discuss everything I could. Because before that I had been hiding how I felt, barely talking about it, trying to be strong, and I wanted to be a little dependent on him too. But on Monday night, we were talking about how he has to go to America this summer, and stay for awhile, and it just got me sad thinking about it, and when I told him I was sad, he started this semi lecture about how I should be strong and it'll be okay, I just don't have to think about it. His attitude towards it all shocked me, and I told him so. It was like he didn't even care about leaving his country and his family, and he was expecting me to be better in an instant by saying all that. How would I feel better by him saying ''It's not like we meet a lot anyways, so just don't think I'm in another country, just think that we're not meeting, as usual.'' We ended the call, and I was really angry, and that anger stemmed from hurt.
Tuesday: He texted me in the morning, asking me why I was hurt. I replied back exactly why I was...and he ignored that and later texted me saying something else. Okay.
We didn't talk that night. The next day, in the evening, I texted him two long texts telling him that I was atleast waiting for his reply to my text, because I wanted his take on things, what his response was.
He never replied to that either. And we didn't talk that night on the phone.
The next day, Thursday, he texted me in the morning asking me why I didn't call or text him last night, and the whole day, he STILL didn't mention the texts I sent him. It was like he was deliberately ignoring me.
Friday, we talked on chat for awhile while he was at work, and I mentioned the whole thing to him again, and he didn't reply to that. When I asked him if he was deliberately ignoring me, he wrote ''yup, we'll talk about it tonight.'' At this point, I was frustrated and annoyed beyond control. First you tell me to tell you everything, and then you back out like this? And so what if I'm a little emotional, so what if I take some things seriously and you don't? Does that mean that you have to treat me like it's wrong to be hurt or to want to discuss what was wrong? I sent him two further long texts telling him that what I thought he was doing was stupid, and just because it meant shit to him doesn't mean you're supposed to treat me like it too.
He didn't reply to it. And asked to call last night. And we didn't even talk about it.
So you can imagine my annoyance right now. More like irritation. I just can't BELIEVE him right now. It just...it's not just anger, it's extreme hurt, like how could he intentionally ignore something that I say? I know I'm coming off as a little bit emotional, but you have to remember that I didn't want to be, he told me that I could rely on him and come to him for these things. And one more thing. Even if I am a tad bit more emotional than other people, so what? With the world, fuck it you know, be whoever you want. Be the strongest toughest son of a bitch they've seen. But you shouldn't have to be that way with the ones you love. You're SUPPOSED to rely on them, and need them, and want them, and tell them your problems and show them your true feelings. At the end of the day, whether you're coming home to your parents or you're coming home to your husband/wife, you're coming home to family, and family should always be like a sanctuary after a hard day. And I thought that's how I was with him, or that's how we were with each other. I wanted it to be like that 8 months ago, but when I saw how drastically his life was changing for him, how he could barely find time for anything else, not even to think, and I didn't want to be left behind in that emotional pool of ''but this is how we used to be'', and things like that. I toughened myself up, not because I wanted to, but because I needed to. If I didn't, I would've been stuck with the same hopes and dreams that I had for each other.
I became more practical and realized that there were going to be those days or months where I couldn't see him, or meet him, or talk to him. But I am NOT going to change my nature. I like who I am, I like being sensitive and compassionate, and I don't want anyone telling me that I have to learn, or I have to understand. I know Haider's like isn't going great, he's still busy, but do you know what he makes me feel like? Like a child. Like I'm just some kid who doesn't understand anything.
Today is Saturday. We texted a little bit around 2pm, and his texts were very bland, and I basically asked why his mood was off. He told me it wasn't, he only had a slight flu. I then texted him saying.
''You're the one who created this distance by not addressing matters immediately and not thinking it's a big deal when something is wrong with me. You're the one who ignored what I was saying, for whatever reasons, and didn't reply. You didn't talk about it last night. Now finally when I'm telling you what to do, you won't. I'll keep on trying to bridge this gap you've made, but I can't if you keep trying to push away. I have no idea what you think you'll achieve by ignoring it. If anything, it's only making me angrier. That you really don't care. Or else what am I supposed to think?''
I then preceded to tell him that if he didn't reply to this text, so help me, I didn't know what I would do or think. He didn't reply for about 30 minutes, and I simply wrote ''Seriously? Okay. That's all.'' He replied 15 minutes after that saying:
I can't deal with you. Honestly. You have unbelievable mood swings. You're trapped in your own fantasy of a world. You've no idea how much people behave themselves and control and bear when you've to make someone happy.''
I did not reply after that. The message he sent was severe enough that I don't want to reply. He has no idea how much I've controlled and bore. He always emphasises on himself and his life and his difficulties, without stopping to think about me and my life and my difficulties.
I'm not replying. I'm not hurt. I'm furious. And now I don't want to talk about it anymore nor do I want to talk about him. I have a lot going on in my life already at the moment:
1. We are still in deep financial trouble, a lot of it. Dad did not have anything saved up, and it hurts me so much to come downstairs and see my dad still sitting there, because he has nowhere to go. He's a contractor, he doesn't have an office, he spends all day going to different sites and stores for sanitary, marble, etc. I want to get so much done, but I can't, I don't have the heart to ask my parents for money.
2. My mom is ill, her foot hurts her every day, and we are waiting for my sister to come back so that she ca have her surgery and be put on bed rest for about 2 weeks.
3. Kt's not back :( I miss her, the house seems so dull without her, seriously. She'll be here by this Friday inshAllah. I'm sure she's anxiously waiting for that day too.
A friend suggested this video to me, it's an amazing talk about Death in Islam, and even though my eyes were already open to the idea of death, this just cemented it:
Oh, and
4. I know exactly what to do to make myself a better Muslim, by praying, reading the Quran, changing my habits...but I won't. I wake up, and am depressed all day. I need to take an active part in making myself a better person. I'm going to go pray and then start study for my stage.
I keep on limiting my life to just H and the things that hurt me about him, and if we fight, I become depressed for myself the whole time. I need to snap out of that and realize that there is a bigger world out there, a bigger picture, bigger options, and that he is only a part. For now atleast, I need to be away from him, because I am not going to back down from this fight, and nor am I going to talk to him. He needs to see things from my view too, not just his own, and if we end up going back to the way things were by tomorrow, I will feel indubitably weak and vulnerable and used and abused, and I don't want that. I have a vice, and I'm going to use it. I'm going to tell him everything, exactly how it is, no exaggeration. This is my life, and as long as I'm in this world, I'm going to control it.
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